I found this page in my early 20s. It completely radicalized me, I read all books, my political beliefs flipped. I felt so relieved to be able to admit my desires were to be deeply cherished in a relationship with a masculine man, and become a young stay a home mother rather than flounder in some career as a slave to a corporate boss. I completed my BA, resolved some health issues, and explored my passions. I trained to be a yoga teacher, and traveled. I met a man when I was 25 who checked every box. He was looking for a wife and future mother of his children and pursued me intentionally with this purpose. Bought a home and proposed to me.
Fast forward to 29, turns out he had been cheating on me, and the early course of our relationship was mirroring my desires to hook me. He tried to baby trap me and financially abused me by guilting me into paying half the bills in a home I would never own. I worked twice the hours he did and made less than 1/4 of his salary.
Looking back I’m stunned how cruel to me he became. He constantly told me I was worthless and without him would have nothing, he was afraid I’d leave him otherwise. He’d leverage my financial dependence on him, which confused me bc he expressly didn’t want a woman with a career.
So now I’m at the end of my 20s with a dead end day job, (I love teaching yoga but it doesn’t pay the bills.) debt, and am a cliche traumatized single almost 30 year old. I work 7 days a week sometimes 12 hour days and don’t feel like I’m even making a dent to support myself. I don’t know how to be in a breezy effortless sensual feminine energy while supporting myself and trying to heal. I feel like life’s been cruel, and I feel like I’ve been stupid.
I’m kind hearted, adore children, have lots of talents and hobbies, love to cook, and joyful and bubbly and loving, I stay in shape and look younger than I am but haven’t slept properly in ages, I know I can’t evade time forever.
I’m off dating apps and don’t drink or go out because I work every day. I live in a suburb without seemingly anyone who shares my values.
The only real light at the end of the tunnel has been finding god and nurturing friendships with other women. Though I love them, I’ve fallen in with a friendgroup of women who are older and single and have been similarly harmed by toxic male relationships.
What advice would you give to me moving forward? Any encouragement hope tough love or just regular old love love would be appreciated.