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Is anyone else frustrated by their female friendships - or lack thereof - lately?

June 28, 2020

edit: There's been a lot of great discussion in this thread- thanks so much to everyone for their input!

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Post Information
Title Is anyone else frustrated by their female friendships - or lack thereof - lately?
Author plaguebl00m
Upvotes 162
Comments 46
Date June 28, 2020 12:39 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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Original Link

[–]Throwaway23030628 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I always had trouble making female friends, not really because of political differences, but because I was extremely shy and socially awkward most of my life. It bothered me a lot until I got married and had kids.

Family keeps me so busy that I don't really think about making new friends or investing time into maintaining awkward friendships.

When I do meet up with female acquaintances, they all have young kids, so that's a natural topic of conversation that rarely becomes political.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) family and kids was my only way to break out of the friendship rut.

[–]merebearpig19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes it’s tiring walking on eggshells constantly. Whether it’s politics or just random stuff, everything I say has been misconstrued as offensive in some way or fashion. It’s so draining and not worth it. I’ve even been explicitly told to not say what I really think to some of my friends because it hurts their feelings. I’ve also been explicitly told they just want someone to agree with them. I don’t care for people who don’t care about my thoughts; I’m not a soundboard! Luckily I have friends who are liberal but also enjoy debates and are willing to talk me through their viewpoints and listen to mine. I try to give those people more time 💕

[–]stay_rad2336 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I understand this completely. I don't have very many close friends and my sister is so political and if you dare to not share the same views as her on everything you are considered a heretic. My sister gets very intense. I try to be polite during her rants and not cause waves. My husband and I moved away from my family about three years ago. Since then I have befriended his cousin. While we don't share a lot of the same views we aren't very political with each other, and if we are its usually finding common ground where we think people (on both sides) have gone too far. I've never come out and told her I'm more right-ish leaning but I'm sure she knows. She is a vegetarian but has never once been self-righteous about it, and I don't give her a hard time for it. we treat our relationships differently and have different political beliefs she is not an in your face kind of person like my sister. We both love makeup, fashion, and I think I'm sharing my love of decorating with her. While it does feel like people are from the same mold there are people out there that want friendship based off of shared interests that aren't solely political they just might be hard to find.

[–]Mewster18181 Star14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I only have 2 female friends, and they're very, very good friends. But lately one of them has started to drift more and more into social justice and has begun making statements that sum up to "if you don't agree with me you're racist and I will cut off contact with you"

She's well aware of my political views, and has gone out of her way to say "don't worry you're fine in DMs" but it's deeply uncomfortable to me. I don't care if she believes in social justice or if we're opposite ends of the political spectrum, but I do care that she's starting to display a public persona that's honestly toxic and nothing like how she's behaved for years.

The worst part is that I know that she genuinely does not know anything about politics or the topics she's harping on others about. Her friendship means a lot to me, and knowing that I'm probably on the chopping block soon when she doesn't have the slightest idea what my views actually are hurts.

Edit to add: I will always be honest about my views, but I seldom post about them on social media.

[–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

To avoid being shamed or worse for wrongthink, I pretend to be someone else around them, which makes for unbelievably shallow (and emotionally draining) friendships.

Ugh. I went through this in my 20s, with my best gal troupe. My best friend had grown increasingly difficult, consumed by movements like veganism and minimalism and feminism and environmentalism. She wouldn't even go shopping with me, because it was materialistic. She'd constantly talk about the cruelty of the meat industry, knowing my husband's family is in cattle and I disagree. She'd criticize my traditional relationship, while emasculating her fiance. It was so hard to admit that we just had nothing in common anymore.

My other friends were just.... tacky. They never had anything nice to say and they both put their own desires before their kids all the time. The problem wasn't their views, though. It was that they weren't very good people. It sounds like you're in a similar situation with these friends and like you'd need new ones eventually anyway.

I'd love to make more friends with similar values - or even just women that don't talk about their opposing values constantly, and relentlessly pile on anyone who falls outside their bubble - but it's kinda tough where I am.

I work in one of the most liberal fields I could and most of my colleagues are really far left... but it doesn't define their lives. We have civil political and social debate sometimes, but it's not the only thing we can possibly discuss. Keep your mind and heart open to those people, because it's healthy to expose yourself to multiple viewpoints. If you'd like to meet women who are less consumed by their worldviews, try to go to a Meet Up for hiking or disc golf or take a sewing class. Find people who are passionate about something else and share that interest.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The problem wasn't their views, though.

Exactly this. I'm fine with someone having different politics, but if someone's identity becomes 90% about their politics and our fundamental values are also drifting apart, that's when the friendship becomes strained. It's pretty sobering to realize your friends of 10 years would probably despise you if they knew the real you.

If you'd like to meet women who are less consumed by their worldviews, try to go to a Meet Up for hiking or disc golf or take a sewing class.

Ooh, good suggestion. I'd thought about meeting new people through the hobby route, but I hadn't actually considered going for something outside my usual interests.

[–]kindheartednessno232 points33 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes but, and forgive me for saying this, it does sound like you're placing yourself on some sort of pedestal. Most people are going to be easily guided by what is the standard culturally as opposed to taking a more traditional view of things, especially in regards to young people. When I was younger I thought that my lack of fulfilling female friendships meant that I should turn to men as a sufficient alternative, but I warn you guys that this can have hugely negative consequences relating to the way we see them ultimately, and that instead we should stick to trying to uplift each other as women and pull one another out of patterns pertaining to the encouragement of degeneracy meant to satisfy the male gaze.

I'd suggest joining a church youth group or something similar to meet people sincere about their morality.

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I see your point, and I really didn't mean to come across as one of those, "I'm not like those OTHER girls" type. I agree with you 100% about solidarity and the importance of lifting each other up; that's why female friendship is so important to me.

To clarify, the reason why I disagree with my friends on psomiscuity, for example, isn't because I'm judging them as bad people, but because I fundamentally disagree with them with the idea that it's "empowering" to sleep around with a ton of mediocre guys. It's mediocre guys that benefit the most from libfemmy sex positivity, not women.

Oh, man... I'm probably just digging the hole deeper on the putting myself on a pedestal thing.

[–]Raebrained12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I fundamentally disagree with them with the idea that it's "empowering" to sleep around with a ton of mediocre guys. It's mediocre guys that benefit the most from libfemmy sex positivity, not women

Please shout this from the rooftops!

[–]kindheartednessno26 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha don't worry, I definitely get you. It's pretty lonely sometimes and it can feel impossible to make genuine connections with people. I guess the only thing we can do is look within for some of it and hope our example attracts others with the same heart. I wish you well girl x.

[–]deepwildviolet5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As I moved from public school to a college run by my religious denomination, my friends from high school and I kind of slowly mutually drifted apart. Im now about 10 years out of high school and I dont think I've had a close friend who doesnt mostly think along the same lines as I do religiously and politically since high school. Truth be told, I didnt have a lot of female friends in high school, and now the majority of my friends are female. Almost all of my friends were met either through church, college, or family connections.

I did work outside the home until about 6 months ago, so I have some "close acquaintance" type friends who were my coworkers. Some were of a similar lifestyle to me and some werent as much; I connected with all of them based on personality and strong family values (subconsciously, not like I was vetting people haha) so that automatically eliminates certain groups of people, such as people who tend to go out clubbing vs having a beach day with kids or something. I do have some single friends and that hasnt been a problem because they also have strong family values. I actually have one friend who was a lot more left-leaning than my husband and I (but again, the family values and religious connection, plus a personality that we all meshed with carried the relationship), but she ended up somehow marrying a guy who is probably more conservative and right-wing than we are, so she's been drifting more into conservativeland. So people do change their opinions, you never know. But we didnt have a problem like you mentioned, where we had mostly shallow conversations. Always had high quality convos even if we didnt always agree.

It is hard to find friends as an adult. Its almost like dating--put yourself out there, and fish where the fish are.

[–]Astronomy_6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just graduated high school and I didn’t really have friends. I wasn’t hated; everyone liked me, so I’m not really sure why. Nobody wanted to hang out with me or take pictures with me or do anything with me, but they would talk to me during the day. All the times I’ve been out with people outside of school is countable on my hands. Every time I would try to make plans people would never confirm or say that we’d plan something and never hold up to it. This could all be the fact that I guess my personality doesn’t mesh with other girls. The vast majority are fake, and the girls who are somewhat similar to me are modern day feminists and they’re so political. They all bring so much drama. Even my friend since elementary has done very mean things to me and rarely wants to hang out nowadays. She always had to put me down, then when I got a boyfriend (who is honestly my only true friend and I’m pretty fine with that) she got extremely upset. All the girls my age seem to do is be fake, post their little instagram pictures, and the like.

I hope I find my people in college but I get scared because I always hear things about women still not having friends after college. I enjoy hiking and wish I had a bike so I could bike. I also like to lift weights and play video games. Maybe I will find my friends in college but if not I guess it’s fine since my boyfriend and I are pretty set in stone.

[–]MotznRoth2 points3 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

My situation is a bit similar, though it is further complicated by my residing in a different country than the majority of my friends (I emigrated 3 years ago to marry the Love of my Life).

What are your criteria for friendship? Would you be open to friendship with someone who's incredibly kind to all, decently talented in a few areas, quite bright, and incredibly devoted to her husband, but is..."unconventional-looking" and post-wall (36)?

If those factors are not dealbreakers, I would absolutely love to be your friend. <3

[–]learningtomom2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

This is so sweet! What does post-wall mean? That your now in the category of Advanced maternal age?

[–]MotznRoth4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much. <3

"Post-wall" is an expression for the point at which a woman is no longer considered desirable as a marriage partner to the majority of men, or something similar. This point generally ranges from age 25-35, depending on whom you speak with. Seeing as I am happily married, this is not a problem for me. However, in case there is a strict upper age limit on your friendships, I figured it was best to let you know.

[–]learningtomom2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I'm also post-wall then! Also married. Just turned 38, we have a toddler and are trying for a second (fingers crossed)!

[–]HappilyMrs2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Post-wall here too, great to see some similar age women here :) I'm nearly 37

[–]MotznRoth0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I turned 36 in March, when is your birthday? Hooray for Early Millennials! :)

[–]HappilyMrs0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

September :D I like the term Xennials for those of us on the cusp hehe. Analogue childhood, digital adulthood!

[–]MotznRoth1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very cool! Happy almost birthday; I hope the crisis has abated by then.

I like that term too. Millennials span 1981-1996, so it's a really large range!

Haha much of my childhood was digital (we got the internet when I was 10), and I quickly became an addict! However, my mum is a NASA scientist, so this experience may not be a typical one for a child in the mid-90s. Also, of course, the internet back then was not what it is today. And I did not receive my first cell phone until I was 17 (and it was certainly not "smart")!

Haha how the world has changed.

[–]MotznRoth1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oh my goodness, I wish you the best of luck in your quest! My husband and I are trying for our first. I know I started late, but we did not meet until I was 29. It takes some people a little while longer to find their destined love, I suppose. <3

I really love your username, btw. You could start a vlog with that title. Your toddler and you could document your many new adventures. I'm sure it would find quite a fanbase! <3

Oh, and happy birthday. <3

[–]learningtomom0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you'll have a little one join you soon! We started late, too, obviously. :)

[–]MotznRoth1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much! <3

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Haha, of course those wouldn't be dealbreakers! I can't imagine why they would be for anyone.

Out of curiosity, if you don't mind answering, just how far did you end up moving? Was there any culture shock?

[–]MotznRoth1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oh my goodness, it's such a relief to hear that. Believe it or not, some people are only willing to make conventionally attractive friends. I suppose the rationale behind that is not wanting to be seen/associated with someone others deem to be lacking due to physical appearance. The fact that you have not succumbed to this mindset, and welcome friends of all appearances, warms my heart. <3

I moved 3500 miles, from Cleveland, Ohio to Lancaster, UK. There's been a bit of culture shock, but at least the language is more or less the same. In addition to relocating to a different country, I now live in what might be considered a relatively "small town" environment -- which was a sort of culture shock of its own.

Where are you from? :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Believe it or not, some people are only willing to make conventionally attractive friends. I suppose the rationale behind that is not wanting to be seen/associated with someone others deem to be lacking due to physical appearance.

Lmao that sounds like exactly the kind of superficiality that I hate about my generation. I can just hear it now: "Sorry, you can't be friends with us, we need someone better suited to get likes for my insta"

I moved 3500 miles, from Cleveland, Ohio to Lancaster, UK. There's been a bit of culture shock, but at least the language is more or less the same.

Wow. That's a huge move, even if it is to a country with the same language and a similar culture. You're definitely brave; I don't know if I'd be willing to do the same. It'd take a hell of a man, anyway, haha.

As for me, I live in Austin, Texas. It has its good and its bad. If/when I end up on a relationship worth settling in, I'd rather live in the suburbs or a more rural area.

[–]MotznRoth0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

::Lmao that sounds like exactly the kind of superficiality that I hate about ::my generation. I can just hear it now: ::"Sorry, you can't be friends with us, we need someone better suited to get likes for my insta"

Haha, how old are you? Because as an 80s-born/early Millennial, this is sadly common in my generation too. Only since social media was not a thing 'till we were in our mid-late teens, so many of us still know on some level it's wrong, and deny it. I think people who were raised with social media are more open about their shallowness -- which I guess has positive elements (honesty is always a good thing), but is still, I feel, pretty immoral.

::Wow. That's a huge move, even if it is to a country with the same ::language and a similar culture. You're ::definitely brave; I don't know if I'd be willing to do the same. It'd take a hell of a man, anyway, haha.

My husband is an absolutely wonderful man. He is kind, intelligent, moral, funny, talented, and maintains gainful employment...and to me, he is the most handsome man on the planet. Additionally, believe it or not, his name is Ross and mine is Rachel, so I suppose it was meant to be. <3

::As for me, I live in Austin, Texas. It has its good and its bad. If/when I end up on a relationship worth settling in, ::I'd rather live in the suburbs or a more rural area.

I have heard many positive things about Austin. Do you enjoy living there? Ross and I were panning on visiting Texas for our 3rd anniversary (looks like that will be postponed until our fourth due to the lockdown), and Austin was certainly on our "must-visit" list.

I don't blame you for wanting to live in the suburbs or farther afield to raise a family. There is more space, and quality of life can be higher outside of a major city. :)

[–]boiiihowdy3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I totally know what you mean! Growing up, I've mostly been raised around guys and in school (middle school through college), I haven't seemed to make many female friends. And the ones I have made have either been through church, or a club, where I know we have at least some shared values. For awhile I just thought it was maybe because I didn't know how to be friends with women, but now I'm slowly starting to realize that maybe I just have a hard time finding ones with which I have some shared values. And girls can be downright vicious sometimes, so again, knowing when and how to talk around them about things that may show an insight into shared values (or a lack thereof) can be difficult for sure. But I would encourage you to keep looking for female friendship, since maybe you just haven't been looking in the right places.

[–]lostgirly6664 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes I feel the same way. Especially living in a very liberal city, it’s hard, even though I’m not crazy outspoken about my views or anything. Not to mention once you get past like, college age or so, making friends gets harder and harder. :( I would do anything to have just a group of female friends to hang out with and talk to.

[–]lavachequirie6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, absolutely. The promiscuity and other behaviours don’t bother me all too much. I empathize that it’s the cultural norm and I was headed down that path before I became red pilled.

For me, it’s the fact that I can’t talk to them anymore about much. Everything involves politics or social norms that I have the polar opposite views on. If I were to tell them my opinions, they’d probably either be worried about me or be outraged. There would be no discourse, no trying to understand one another... they would just get upset. I’ve seen this happen with others. So I keep my mouth shut and slowly drift from them.

As far as finding friends goes, I live in a very liberal place. Even when I find girls who agree with more of my politics, they often smoke weed 24/7 or their only hobby is clubbing. Each to their own. We just have nothing in common.

[–]Animalcrossing4eva2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

See if you can find a local LOLA group or some republican women's group. Or church!

[–]melitele36 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

When it comes to me, 99% of my friends, people I talk to or spend time with are men.

I don’t struggle with that and in fact I don’t plan on changing that, unless it happens naturally - which it probably won’t.

I definitely don’t harbor any negative views or feelings towards women in general. The lack of female friendships in my life is not a choice I made basing on my perception on them.

I invested a lot of time in learning about my personality, temperament, interests and goals - and what I learnt is that I simply have higher chance making friends with men. For example I love computer games, I immensely enjoy anything that has to do with topics of war, knights, medieval times or weapons. I am fascinated with fantasy/science fiction literature and movies. I like political debates, philosophical conversations and abstract talk. I have very dark humor and I don’t take offense easily if not at all. I like when conversations are built on pragmatic foundations, quick points and short to-the-point statements, I dislike when they are focused solely on feelings or when they rely heavily on emotions.

When you look at the circle of my interests it is easy to notice that people who also enjoy same themes are in majority men and it is just statistically way more probable for me to find common grounds with guys.

Now if I met a woman with similar hobbies and personality then I would be more than happy to be friends with her but it just rarely happens.

I personally think it all depends on your personality and interests. Believe me there are many Facebook groups with women that have traditional, conservative views. Women like that certainly exist and are indeed quite friendly, so if it is the political views that make you feel lack of friendship and you do like female companion I strongly recommend you Facebook groups and internet in general where you will find plenty women with similar outlook on life. You don’t need to surround yourself with friends you don’t relate to.

If you are similar to me and in general it is hard for you to make female friends because of above reasons then there is no universal need for everyone to have friends of same sex :)

[–]sandstonexray2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Have you been in / are you in a LTR? Does being friends with exclusively men cause you any issues?

[–]melitele34 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am married, my husband is my first partner and we have been together for 6 years.

No, it doesn’t really. My husband isn’t a jealous type and we trust each other a lot. What helps is that I usually talk with my friends on group chats, which do include my husband as a member. He does know many of them too. I am careful when choosing my male friends. Most of them are in marriages too. I make sure to surround myself with men who do know how to keep healthy distance. Since I have been this way forever, even as a small child, I do have experience that helps me recognize which guys are honest and friend worthy and which ones have ulterior motives.

[–][deleted]  (8 children) | Copy Link


[–]Mewster18181 Star7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have experienced bullying and ostracizing behavior for about a decade now, starting with being the only libertarian in my college courses when every single other person was hard-left.

It doesn't hurt so much when you were never friends in the first place as you see people's character flaws from the get go. But when your friend's start following intolerant rhetoric, and knowing in my case that it's probably only a short time before I get cut from the group, is still very painful. What hurts the most is that you know they're putting ideology ahead of lived experiences, and no effort made at all to try and understand why others think differently.

I could argue the social justice, hard-left's points as well as they can, yet I know they haven't the slightest idea what my points are nor will they listen or try to find out. At the end of the day if they'd rather be ignorant and cut you out, then you have to just realize that they were never good enough to be your friends(at least not now, I will still give them all a second chance if they ever wanted to reach out and try to be friends again).

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]Mewster18181 Star6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am a politics and economy major, so needless to say I've probably done more reading/research on these topics than the average-joe. I make a point never to speak as an authority or point out that I'm "more educated" or any other ridiculous tactic to try and undermine others, but it's exhausting that people will completely discount me as racist when for 10 years they would never have thought that, and now suddenly I don't jive with their new-found hobby it's me who is the ignorant one?

I don't ask them to convert to my viewpoint, but a least a modicum of respect for the fact that maybe I actually have reasons that are more profound than something you can just dismiss as racism and ignorance.

[–]merebearpig10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This whole movement has made me very much question my own beliefs. I’m not as liberal as I thought I was. I do believe that racism should go die, but I can’t get onboard with Marxism and violence.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Us on the other side of the aisle have been seeing it coming for awhile now. The left loves its purity spirals. Adhere to the new cause of the week or be expunged.

[–]Agentchow1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My GF has this problem. She lost a lot of her friends when she distanced herself from her college sorority. Honestly, you aren't alone.

She has told me that her career and me keep her busy enough as is, and so she doesn't miss it as much anymore, but I can tell it still sometimes bothers her. If you find a solution, please let me know as well!

[–]lawyercatgirl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You know, I feel the same and it’s comforting to see others here have been through it... honestly I thought I was alone. I lost two of my best friends because I became more religious. When I became pro-life after being staunchly pro choice (even going to protests and such), friends distanced themselves. And what’s worse is I wasn’t even shoving my opinions in everyone’s face like I was before, it would just come up every now and then because you will eventually talk about what’s going on in the world. I mean I still continued to show immense compassion to one of my friends who had an abortion and regretted it (but was still pro choice). The two friends I lost were bridesmaids in my wedding. It hurt for a long time. But that’s no true friend, especially one who is angry at you for loving God and living according to his ways. No. I don’t need that in my life. And I might have ended up with ruined wedding photos, but at least my faith is not compromised. When I feel lonely, I find rest and peace in that.

Also, on the promiscuity thing: I encourage you to be a good friend anyways. Be there to catch them when it eventually fails and breaks their hearts. Mature women aren’t promiscuous, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have patience for friends who haven’t gotten there yet.

[–]aerobicyeti1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Are you me? I lost my best friend due to miscommunication about our widely different political views. I am 28 and most of the girls I were close to have very different views than me, and it's really hard to find girlfriends that I can have open conversation with about sensitive topics. It's as if some of them are out of touch with what's going on with around them. I listen to feminism views and I am peaceful and accepting of their opinions, but it's like we're biologically the same living in completely different realities. I just stay hopeful that I will find girlfriends that are like me and be open to everyone, because they are out there :)

[–]mystique_marvel0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]NicoleInBlue0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm curious, what do you do with your friends when you go out together? Sit down and analyze the current events? Go to a cafe and talk politics? Organize a party where you discuss culture norms and your values?

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. You don't need to be 100% on the same page politically or in any other way to be friends with someone. Nor are you required to share your views on any stance if you think it might cause more harm than good. What you need though is to like them for who they are.

Most of my friends are (somewhat) left-leaning. I've learned to keep my mouth shut about controversial topics if I know it will lead to an argument. There's just no point in arguing about politics, social issues, etc. and trying to change people's minds. Friendships are about having fun, being a listening ear to each other, helping each other. Not about pleasing your ego by proving your point on the latest political issue.

The most important thing is that you respect your friends and what they bring to the table. If you don't, then it doesn't matter what side on the political spectrum they are on.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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