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Is No One Monogamous Anymore?

September 16, 2019

Hi ladies this a discussion but also partially a rant. I ended my first/longest relationship because my ex developed a “hot wife” fetish which I refused to participate in—when he realized I was never going to sleep with other people we finally split he’s now dating a girl with a premium Snapchat. I’ve been vetting another guy and things have been progressing wonderfully and today I told him I wanted to talk about his goals for our relationship, where he saw himself in 5 years etc everything sounded great until he brought up being polyamorous.

Honestly I’m gutted, I told him that wasn’t a lifestyle that would work for me and despite already really liking him had to cut off contact. Obviously it’s something I now have to say upfront but when did so many people decide they wanted to live this lifestyle? Is one partner not enough for anyone? Have you guys encountered this a lot while dating?

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Post Information
Title Is No One Monogamous Anymore?
Author SabirahNova
Upvotes 129
Comments 75
Date September 16, 2019 5:40 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
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[–]Emilystar82123 points124 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I’ve never had a man suggest polygamy to me and I’ve never been interested in it myself either. I think you just got unlucky?

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor78 points79 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This. N=2 is too few to draw conclusions. Most people are monogamous.

[–]thundrthy8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not the people on reddit lol

[–]SabirahNova[S] 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

....great, SIGH

[–]ajaa12351 points52 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My ex wanted me to sleep around.. it got draining but my current bf wants me all to himself. You will meet the right guy for you - just hang in there.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, I appreciate it!

[–]linkinway 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

like what....?! he particularly wanted you to sleep around or so that he could sleep with other women too?

what's going on with the world??

[–]ajaa1231 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think he may have watched too much porn. As you know too much of anything is bad. He honestly wanted me to fuck other men and his ultimate fantasy was for someone to cum inside me and he could lick it out. I wasn't ok with it because if I was going to sleep with a stranger I wanted him to use protection and wouldn't want a randoms cum dripping out of me. I felt like my ex was thinking with dick instead of my health. I wasn't willing to catch an STD from a creep.

He wasn't too concerned with sleeping with another female it was more so about him experimenting with men. Maybe he was bisexual. He basically wanted me to be a 'slut'. Fuck randoms I meet etc.

[–]Dreamingmarzipan48 points49 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think you've just been unlucky, I've never experienced anyone suggesting polygamy!

[–]monster_of_chiberia12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ehhh, I’ve came across two or three men who have shared with me that they’d like to be non-monogamous at some point during their marriage...either desiring an open marriage or swinging. Two mentioned that they’d only open their relationships if “it was strong enough.” I definitely share my monogamy preferences upfront now.

[–]TheAngieOakley28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've never experienced that but I rarely socialize outside of Christian circles. People accuse me of living in a bubble but it's really quite nice in here.

[–]Dancersep3825 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm an atheist in a heavily blue state and have never encountered this either. I don't think this is normal in most people's bubbles.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I generally think this is just trendy, right now, the way BDSM was for awhile. That's not to say that no one genuinely appreciates this lifestyle, just that I'd guess it's fewer than claim to, today. Your newest guy likely isn't polyamorous. He just likes sleeping with multiple women. Polyamory implies a true relationship with multiple people, a group relationship even, and most people find the one commitment exhausting enough.

That being said, no, this is not the norm. Most people, at a point in life where they're interested in commiting, want monogamy. It sound to me like your first guy was letting a porn addiction take over his real life. Good for you for moving on.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Youre absolutely right about the porn addiction.

[–]vintagegirlgame60 points61 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

As polyamory becomes more mainstream, more and more alpha men of “high value” or high attraction are able to spin many plates and call it “polyamory” in a socially acceptable dignified way. Most are just really “non-monogamous” (aka sleeping around, but not having real relationships). Very few of these are actually maintaining in-depth long term relationships with multiple women, it’s takes an exhaustive amount of work, time, communication and money. But it sounds more socially evolved to be polyamorous than to be a fuckboi.

This cultural dynamic makes it harder and harder for women to tie down a high status man into traditional monogamy and marriage, especially w the increases in divorce rape that men at TRP discuss. Note that this is for high “status” men (usually some combo of wealth/fame/looks/career not exactly the high “quality” husband material that RPW aims for). Status men get all sorts of pussy thrown at them and they would have to be either deeply religious or from a very culturally conservative background to not sample all that sexual variety that men love. These men may eventually choose marriage (more status, want kids, family expectations...) but they are often the cheaters who can never fully give up the smorgasbord of flavors once sampled. Today these men can just be “polyamorous” and not have to cheat or compromise. If they are high status enough, they can find a woman who is ok with him sampling side plates as long as she gets to be his main dish.

The RPW truths ring true... a woman would rather share an alpha than commit to a beta. And if men won’t commit to you, you’re reaching too far up the ladder than your SMV can afford.

Source: Bisexual monogamous partner to my polyamorous fiancé (together 10 years, and happy to be in a triad with our girlfriend for over a year). I study and practice both sides of the spectrum. RPW is one extreme and Polyamory is the other, but both are more true and useful than anything Blue Pill. They deal with the same truths but in different ways.

P.s. Women, If a man claims to be “polyamorous,” feel free to grill him on what that really is to him (for the sake of science!) Just ask (in a curious tone) how many partners he has, how long he’s been with them, how do his partners (metamores) get along, and how does he deal with his women being with other men (jealousy)? If he is actually poly he will be delighted to share how it works for him. If he’s a fuckboi using the poly mask, a little digging should make this clear if he has a history of broken plates. Then at least you’ll be able to diagnose whether your man picker is way off or if it at least it was able to find an honest man who has advanced communication skills (just his lifestyle doesn’t line up with yours so don’t pursue any further).

[–]SabirahNova[S] 23 points24 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

That’s what gets me I’m aware of my SMV I don’t even deal with men I know can do better this guy seemed really equal to me, a little chunky but working out daily, I’ve been doing yoga for over a year and have a very fit body he’s 31 I’m 24 I have a full time salaried job, he’s a bartender, he doesn’t drive (but neither do I) it’s just wild because it wasnt a stretch SMV wise he even said that it’d been months since he landed a date idk I felt I was doing everything right. I’m a little defeated right now honestly.

[–]NationalMouse30 points31 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Here’s some advice: Stay far away from bartenders, musicians, and personal trainers. I have yet to meet one that is relationship material, they’re mostly just fuckbois who let their job become who they are. You’re better off just staying away from them.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You might be right on this one—he told it was “part of his job” to flirt with people. Ugh.

[–]vintagegirlgame8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hmm if it’s not SMV related... curious if he really is poly? Does he have or has he ever had 2 or more real relationships at once (not just FWB)? Also, for him is this a choice or an identity? Poly ppl tend to fall into two categories...those who feel like poly is a part of their DNA and they would be absolutely miserable in a monogamous relationship...and those that feel like this is their current lifestyle choice, but they may or may not be fully committed to it long term.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I didn’t both to ask I kind’ve immediately ducked out once I heard it but he said he’s not seeing anyone else besides me at the moment so I dont know how that fits into this but I appreciate all the information and feedback.

[–]janeaustenfan997 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've noticed more men saying they're poly or non-monogamous. But I also live in a big city where there are way more women than men. This wasn't a thing five years ago. What they really mean, is that they just want to sleep around, not that they want a primary partner along with other partners they actually date.

[–]my_chopin_liszt5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I honestly believe people (men and women) are just using the word polygamy/polyamory to mask the fact they just want to sleep around without commitment. The massive amount of responsibilities to ensure the success of poly relationship is so, SO HARD!

If a person claims to be poly, I would ask questions to see what type of poly they are. Or they really don’t even want relationships in the first place.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You had some bad luck. I’d try asking some probing questions about their attitude towards polyamory earlier on so you don’t get too into a guy before discovering you have incompatible wants and needs. There are plenty of monogamous guys out there—you’ll find one!

[–]Tiktakchu4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know somebody that has two wives. He juggled between the two like hell. He has kids from both wives. He has two different houses. He goes to visit the two houses orderly like every few weeks is here, and other same few weeks is in the other house.

In summary it is a hell lot of work, and commitments. And this is in Asia. Eventho this is controversial but it considered common in here.

So i don't think men in the west would actually mean polygamy, as "commitment polygamy" because no commitment relationship is a thing there? (amirite? Or am i just assuming from the movies i have watched)

I just assume men in the west wouldn't want such big responsibility and commitment.

Maybe they are just a fuckbois.

[–]Nessunolosa33 points34 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This might be controversial, but oh well.

I'm attracted to women as well as men and also able to have a relationship with consenting multiple partners at once ("polyamorous"). However, I choose to have been in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with my husband for seven years. I will always be with him and always be faithful to him.

I take my marriage vows seriously and I knew full well what I was choosing when I made them. I don' know what dating is like anymore, because I have not been dating for nearly a decade. But this:

> Obviously it’s something I now have to say upfront but when did so many people decide they wanted to live this lifestyle? Is one partner not enough for anyone? Have you guys encountered this a lot while dating?

That's not something I encountered much even when I was dating. I don't think you have to ask up front about it, but if you are vetting someone and considering something serious, you could bring it up. It's not like you should be casually dating or sleeping around anyway if you are into the RPW headspace. Maybe change which type of man you are vetting as well? Men from traditional backgrounds (religious, conservative, or otherwise traditional) tend not to be interested in these things.

If other people want to live that lifestyle, it doesn't have to affect you and your choices. I'm not a fan of the current ideas about "you can't change what you are attracted to" implying that you have no choice in the matter of who, when, how, and under what circumstances you should pursue a relationship. If you want to be married and have a nuclear family (as I do), then even a polyamorous person can choose to be in a relationship which is more "traditional" or in line with hetereosexuality even if it isn't the only parts of your innate sexuality. People do have agency to make binding decisions about who they spend their lives with.

Speaking from experience, I also don't think polyamory works for most people. Even though a lot of people may be like me and *capable* of having more than one relationship at a time, honestly our ancestors knew better and laid down traditions and taboos in this area of life for good reason. The thing that most people don't understand is that it isn't sleeping with other people, it's a whole series of relationship interactions and SO MUCH COMMUNICATION all the time. It's exhausting to do it truly well, and frankly most people are not good enough at communicating or expressing themselves or conflict resolution. Of course, marriage involves all these things, too. It's just so much easier and more fulfilling (to me) with a single partner to whom you are utterly committed.

All that said, this guy sounds like a dud anyway. I bet he said that just to be shocking and has never had a polyamorous relationship. Or worse, he was trying hard to look "woke" for your benefit. Most people wouldn't be willing to actually experiment with polyamory in real life, but I imagine it is tossed around a fair bit by those in the dating scene due to it being more in the spotlight lately.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I really appreciate this perspective I’m a little upset right now so this very rational response was helpful. Yeah there were truthfully probably other red flags I was overlooking before this one, regardless I’m trying not to dwell on it too much.

[–]Nessunolosa2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Identitarianism can be a hell of a drug. Watch out for people who throw around labels.

[–]Shanguerrilla0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I see what you did there...

[–]allmycatsaregay4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m 30, been monogamous for 7 years, married for 3 years. I think it’s possible, you just have to be very clear with your “vibes” that you are a high quality woman looking for a husband.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Polyamory is trendy right now, mostly because it’s a convenient way for people to try to recast their inability to commit to one person and desire to fuck around as a sexual orientation and call anyone who disagrees a bigot or a prude.

Monogamy still exists and survives. I can’t really give you advice on how to avoid the types you seem to be attracted to or attracting because I’m not observing what you are or aren’t doing in your interactions.

[–]MsGiaJolie3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dating is not what it was when I was growing up. I was single for 5 years and kept dating the wrong men. I met my bf and we have had “the talk” and all I have to say is that I am thankful everyday for him. You will meet the right one when it’s time. For now just enjoy yourself.

[–]Sayeesa133 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I went through this stage as well! After my previous relationship ended, I moved to back to my hometown where most of my family and friends are.

As I assimilated back into the social circles, it seemed like everyone was poly. I'm not exaggerating; the peripheral groups of people I know are now all very obviously poly and swingers, and after I found that out, I was venting to one of my best friends (I've known her almost 20 years and she's been married for 8) told me she and her husband had been for a while, as well as her circle of friends I've known... then I found out my oldest sister was! I practically had anxiety attacks about it, thinking I was too "old fashioned" and that no one seemed to be into monogamy any more. Don't get me wrong- I don't want to tell anyone how to live their life, but I am not interested in anything but monogamy personally.

I started online dating regardless, and made it very clear on my profile I only wanted a monogamous relationship. Some men challenged me, but I quickly stopped talking to them- I had communicated a very clear boundary and wasn't interested in changing it. But I also easily found nice men who I enjoyed chatting with, and went on first dates with, were also interested in monogamy.

Then I found my Captain-quality man who is just amazing, and haven't looked back. He is also very empathetically into monogamy as well, and seemed to be relieved when I brought it up in our initial chats.

You'll be able to find others who want whatever it is you want, but the sooner you communicate your wants and needs, the more chance you'll find someone who meshes with you. Good luck!

[–]SabirahNova[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes for sure going to start bringing it up earlier on in the vetting process, thanks!

[–]thundrthy 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy Link

So how about I've been married less than a year and I told my husband we can have that open relationship he wants so bad because I caught him cheating.

Little does he know I'm fixing my credit and saving money because this isn't what i signed up for.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is my biggest fear, I’m wishing you the best.

[–]my_chopin_liszt2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sadly, people can bait & switch. I don’t blame you for what you’re doing.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Plenty of people are monogamous. But poly is coming out of the closet, and you'll run into some people who are into it. Even some people here. Even some people in this thread.

That said, plenty of people (often, but by no means only men) who use being or "becoming" poly as an excuse to simply sleep around. This is MUCH more common than actual poly.

[–]my_chopin_liszt2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is what I was about to say. People (men and women) often throw the word polygamous around, but what they mean to say is they want to sleep around without commitment.

A real, polygamous relationship has commitment and consideration of another person’s wellbeing. It’s not an one-sided negotiation.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A real, polygamous relationship has commitment and consideration of another person’s wellbeing. It’s not an one-sided negotiation.

Exactly so. The whole root concept of poly is consent. Consent can't be forced or demanded; it can only be agreed upon.

Too many damn manipulative, sexually adventurous scumbags out there trying to use "poly" as an excuse. Or as cover.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah the more I’m reading comments it just seems like an excuse to spin plates.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think anyone who is genuinely poly, is probably pretty upfront about it.

[–]FwoGiZ2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When I look around me, I'd say I mostly see guys that are lying as in they don't want/can't be monogamous. I'd say 75%. Then I see about 5-10% that are honest in the fact that they can't be monogamous. 15-20% at most are ok with monogamy and usually there is a trend in that 15-20%... hard working middle class, not in very good physical shape, not much free time. They make great dads but get divorced even more.

Just my opinion, obviously. But hey, it could explain why you feel like this! Good luck finding what you need!

[–]AngelFire_3_141562 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just out of curiosity, where did you meet these guys? The reason I'm asking is that could be part of the problem.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I met one in college and the other online completely different coasts.

[–]AngelFire_3_141561 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. Good men are out there, you just have to know where to look. I met my ex in college (who cheated on me, so I sympathize with you), and my husband at a church picnic.

My advice is to look in a church community.

Or maybe stop looking altogether - that's when I found my husband.

[–]wispo-wills2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've never before met any polyamorous folk in the wild. They've all been monogamous. This is a problem for me because I'm poly lol. We have the opposite problem! 😂

[–]coodimaka1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It seems to be very “in” now but I find it selfish. I just started dating a man who is 1000% not into it and he told me first as he was nervous I was into it as it’s a very “in” thing. He’s out there! The guy you dated was just a complete dick. You will find your match just don’t give in to demands you’re not comfy with and don’t settle.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As others have said, polyamory is a big thing right now. I live in a very liberal European city (so liberal it's a flagship for green politics and tolerance for drugs and sex clubs). Polyamory is everwhere, to the point where people not-so-jokingly joke about monogamy being dead in this city. The title of your post is a very common lament around here. Other posters here are right, though that it's a convenient, socially-acceptable identity to wear for people with committment issues of all varieties.

Anyway... I do have some friends who are in actual poly relationships, where it's actually about multiple, overlapping relationships and not just sex. It's a valid relationship model, but in this true form, I don't think polyamory will ever be able to rival monogamy in practical popularity terms. My friends who are truly poly are as busy with their love life as other people are with a high-profile career. For me, and many other people, one of the points of a relationship is to have support so I can better focus on my work and hobbies, not make my relationships my job. Few people have the time and resources, nor the will to dedicate such a huge amount of both to managing their romantic relationships.

Back when I was single, I'd bring my views on monogamy pretty early on, and I suggest you do the same. To the right man, this is refreshing and very welcome. I even put it in my dating profile and said something like "only interested in single and monogamously-minded men." I got many messages and a few of them mentioned how much they appreciated a monogamous woman as well and were tired of committment-phobic women themselves. I met an utterly amazing and monogamous man who adores me at 31 carrying a few extra pounds, so I don't think you have anything to worry about long-term being young and slim. It will happen. Knowing what you want will be immensely attractive to those who want the same.

[–]ApuAllAlone1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Screen for guys who watch porn and don't date them. Porn perverts the male mind. Very sad to see.

[–]hiraethdawn4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Try vetting men for political views early on - men who are alt right/traditionalist are very unlikely to be poly.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Im vegan and live in LA lol I’m pretty moderate but an alt right person would never mesh with me.

[–]party_dragon4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You can be "alt right" (like Jordan Peterson, oppose feminism (we're on RPW right?), think that unlimited immigration doesn't work long-term, ...) without being the evil monster that the media portrays as "alt right".

[–]Selrisitai0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Most people don't consider "alt right" to be like Jordan Peterson, but rather to be radical right-wingers.

[–]cassandrarose390 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you are unlucky. My husband nor any of the men I dated before marriage wanted this.

[–]sadomasochrist0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men who want this (hotwire) are outliers.

[–]RudeLandscape6 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

You should take him up on his offer, start sleeping with as many attractive men as possible and make sure he knows and you would definitely get more sex than him as a woman, then dump him after he gets all butthurt and upset

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sleeping with as many men as possible is rarely good life advice and it's certainly not RPW advice. Comment removed

[–]TXPolyDaddy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

U/sabirahnova He does not likely understand the realities of "poly" for men. If you guys are really well aligned in personal and life interests, he has zero to gain from Poly.

I am poly minded but my current relationship is so strong and compatible that we are functionally monogamous. We are both open to deep connections but I can not imagine leaving her at home while I go on a date.

Many inexperienced guys think poly translates to getting to chase hot girls while you are married.. bollocks.

The women almost always get all of the attention and the man whom suggested it sits there bitter that the fantasy fizzled.

You are right to stand on your convictions and clearly communicate both your expectations and what you are open to exploring.

May your search be fruitful.

[–]throwaway_FConsult0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot of people with extreme views like to gaslight others as “it’s a trend”. It isn’t though.

[–]countrylemon0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Nope, just your taste in men it seems - reevaluate.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My taste is incredibly varied I’ve dating different races, ages, education levels, in different coasts etc. This blanket statement is really not helpful to the conversation.

[–]Mrswizardwizard-2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My boyfriend is absolutely good enough for me and I’d be happy with him alone, but dating other girls together makes our relationship stronger and has really helped us to grow together. We communicate better, have better sex, I’m more confident with myself, and we just have fun. We plan to stop once we get married in a few years.

That being said, it isn’t for everybody. The majority of people are monogamous, it just seems you’ve run into a few poly people in a row and mistakenly painted them as a much larger population than they actually are. There are plenty of men who will be more than willing to only sleep with you and have a very committed relationship. You just need to seek them out and ask what they’re looking for pretty early on.

[–]ApuAllAlone3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's sounds like a very risky arrangement since you aren't married. Your boyfriend gets to live the playboy lifestyle without being actually tied to you. This just seems like an arrangement that benefits him mostly and puts you in a risky position.

[–]Mrswizardwizard2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m bisexual. It benefits both of us, and he only goes on dates with me, he doesn’t go alone ever. It’s just what works for us. I’m not worried about it because at the end of the day he’s coming home with me.

[–]Copypastable 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy Link

You've been dealing with poly-type men, and seems those potential type of guys are what you're mainly attracted to. Mono men are plenty, but you may not be attracted to them because you'd have to lower your standards a bit.

You not submitting to that last guy just means you think you can still find better. If you can't, you may need to eventually lower the bar before your sexual market value runs dry.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My standard is monogamous, kind, wants kids in the future. Everything else you’re saying is just bs I didn’t submit because I didn’t want to passed around for his entertainment.

[–]Nrmn906 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There are plenty of good, dateable, smart and kind men that have absolutely no issue with being monogamous.

[–]SabirahNova[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know that, I don’t date very often this guy was my like 4th date in two years but even that being said that’s still 25% of my dates in two years not including my long term ex it’s weird and it’s not something i thought to be wary of when dating in general.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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