So I'll see if I can remember the rules and include them in this post, apologies if I forget anything.

I found this subreddit through a friend who mentioned TRP. I didn't really like the mens version and didn't understand the womens until I took some time to read today. When I did, it made so much sense to me and it was like I'd finally found somewhere that fitted my values.

I've never understood feminism to be honest, it never fitted with my belief or need to feel like the submissive. I'm really exploring this side of myself lately having had therapy with my SO... and that's kind of where we get to the problem.

I have been with my SO for 3 years, and in short I've fought with him for the entire time.
I am unsatisfied in my relationship and I do not respect my SO.

My mother is a "men are pigs" feminist, my father is a bully. I grew up with their arguments and rows, got hit by him (my dad that is) and many times let down by him. I've had a string of failed relationships and my current one is my longest yet at 3 yrs.

I am 30, so I am at the point where this shit has frankly just got to stop, and I am part of it. I know I am. I am sulky, argumentative, over sensitive and demanding. I expect to be treated with respect and in my own defense, I get why. I want to be shown that I matter because I never was by my father, he didn't even want to come to hospital when I got hit by a car years ago. I think to myself "Ok fine, I get it... but you're grown up now so you have to get over this". I just never found anywhere that could provide support despite seeing therapists who just identified my issues... I just never really worked hard enough on fixing them because I'm stubborn as hell and want to be broken to an extent but not entirely.

This sub is so no BS and I agree wholeheartedly, but I am struggling. I am in a relationship where we have therapy once a week, I understand my issues but we still fight, I still disrespect him and he is incredibly mean to me. Part of me feels that he should set the example and I should follow, he isn't doing that, he's insulting me and so I am just arguing back and being petulant because I give up.

EG - I was in a sulky not talking mood with him. I turned something off that belonged to him when I was cleaning up the house. He came down and called me a prick - fight starts.

How petty!

This isn't good enough for me. I am not this person. I'm not looking after myself or presenting myself the way I should do. I withold myself from him, my presence, my thoughts and obviously, sex. We do still sometimes have sex but not often now.

It is ripping us apart, and I can do better if not for him then for myself (and I don't mean by getting another man).

But I guess I wonder, do I do that with him, or alone, or seek a new man (I feel like 30 means i should want to settle)?
I feel that things have eroded a long way in the time we've spent knocking 10 bells out of eachother verbally, and he's been violent with me as well which is a huge issue for me given what I've been through in the past. Things like throwing my things at me and calling me names/insults - just making me feel unsafe and not cherished or loved. It sends me off on a downward spiral of "i'm bad and i'm going to behave badly".

I am not saying I have no part in this, I 100% do, but now I've found you guys and I agree with TRP... how do I proceed to get myself out of this mess and onto solid ground. I know I need to stop answering back like a child and be respectful, but do I not have any rights to demand that in return? Happy to be told here if I am wrong.

Advice appreciated.