~ archived since 2018 ~

Let’s talk about the reality of being a stay at home wife and mother.

April 6, 2019

I have been reading here for years and I always shake my head at the affirmations of young women who insist that all they want is to be a SAHM and it is so unfair that feminists have ruined it for them. The interesting thing is that many of the women who often posted about their idyllic plans for the future disappeared when the babies arrived. There was one woman, whom I respect greatly for her honesty, who came back to say how unrealistic her vision was and gave an accurate account of her new lifestyle.

I am not discouraging any woman from staying at home. I just want you to understand some truths.

It is harder than you realize.

You will need to make sacrifices in terms of your social life, finances, and yes, sometimes your personal needs.

Your husband will not be there because he will be off working to support you and if he isn’t then your life will be shit.

You may find yourself alone with no adult company for long periods of time. Your husband on the other hand will be off interacting with other people all day and when he comes home will need time to decompress and spend time with his kids. You will come last and your may begin to resent it when you are dying to go out and be with other people.

Because you spend so much of your time at home it will be easy to let your appearance slide. Your self confidence may take a hit.

And last, you may find that your financial situation has changed and you need to contribute some income to keep your ship afloat. Your options as to employment are greatly reduced.

Now that I have pointed out the detriments, I want to give some advice on how to work around them.

If you are bored and miserable staying at home full time, recognize it and do something about it. Volunteer if you don’t want to work and can afford child care. Otherwise find a job that gives you some satisfaction and works around your children’s schedule.

If money is tight, find free fun activities to get you and your kids out of the house.

Keep yourself up to date on what is going on in the world around you. It is very easy to become so distracted in your day to day that you become out of touch with the times.

Find something you are passionate about that you can own, just for yourself. Not as a wife or a mother, but just for yourself. This is essential.

Find a reason every day to put on some make-up, do your hair, and change out of your sweats even if it is just going to the grocery store.

And last, remember there are going to be some rough days when you have accomplished nothing except clean up vomit and your husband will come home and ask what is for dinner. He will have no clue why you lose your mind.

I hope this post is taken in the context that I intended. I wish those of you who decide to take this path success. I have been both a stay at home mom and a mom who worked full time.

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Post Information
Title Let’s talk about the reality of being a stay at home wife and mother.
Author stevierose789
Upvotes 158
Comments 55
Date April 6, 2019 3:39 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/lets-talk-about-the-reality-of-being-a-stay-at.224470
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ba0con/lets_talk_about_the_reality_of_being_a_stay_at/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]Krumtralla127 points128 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

And for goodness sake, don't get suckered into an MLM.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hahahahaha, cuts too close to home. Caught my wife trying to sell people organic soap or some such nonsense a couple of months ago.

[–]Jesus-slaves12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Caught is the exact right word.

[–]Krumtralla5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Unfortunately you can see exactly how MLMs prey on exactly the issues that SAHMs face as OP describes so well.

Craving social contact? Your upline is encouraging you every day!

Need to earn some money? You can sell these amazing hair products from home!

Getting jealous of your friend's perfect lives on social media? You're starting your own business!

Getting bored at home? Get dressed up and go to the annual conference in Vegas with your new family!

And a year later you're $20k in debt with closets full of inventory.

[–]snackysnackeeesnacki12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha! Most important advice on here.

[–]newbrict6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Holy shit lol

[–]Suck-Less69 points70 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Older generations of women would pool their resources. They didn’t try and do this all on their own. Women, friends cousins, sisters, mothers, grandmothers,would bring all the kids together at the park, or over one of their houses. Women would socialize, with one keeping the kids in check. Many had part time jobs to get out of the house and they would manage baby sitting the same way. None of those “greatest generation” women or older was crazy enough to do this on their own.

My wife’s from Vietnam and they still do things that way - multi generational family, not locked in the house with the kids (nuclear family).

[–]lord-denning37 points38 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The real issue is not that being a SAHM is tougher than it used to be (which it is), or that young women are not being given the right tools, training and advice in advance (also true), it is that there is no group dynamic at play where some of the parenting resources could be spread amongst relatives that could be trusted. The western trend towards atomization of the individual above all else has brought great rewards, but also the loss of a healthy group parental support dynamic that used to keep everyone sane (mom and kids alike).

[–]goldensurrender19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes I agree with this. I think this is also part of younger women saying these feminist generations have "ruined" things, because there is not a vast network of sahm's banning together, sharing the load, and naturally knowing how to do it, and being very much supported to be full time moms. I think now it's more isolating because not as many women are doing this anymore. They're still getting other help though (TV, electronics, nannies, daycares) I would just argue it's not as wholesome and healthy for the kids overall.

[–]mayoayox2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah Desperate Housewives kinda fucked that up

[–]stevierose789[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I believe that this would definitely make the stay at home experience a great deal more fun. A woman who has never experienced the feeling of isolation from other women who are her age and living in her community, would not understand how important this socialization is. Even now, there are times I travel two hours just to see my sister for a few hours because I need to interact with another woman who understands my life and my circumstances. When I was a stay at home mom, there were very few stay at home moms. I volunteered at PTA and school functions for a few years until I went back to work, but there really weren't many moms who were available for friendships during the day when I needed them. I hope things are changing and more opportunities are opening up for stay at home moms to meet other women like themselves. I know there is a network among women who home school and attend some churches, but that has never really been something I felt comfortable with. I recognize that there may be a lot of drama in the situation you describe, but I feel like it would manageable and would add a sense of camaraderie and security that many women crave.

[–]Suck-Less0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Have any of you considered tapping into the home schooling network? I understand they have a whole setup for socializing children in a homeschool environment. Those are also networks to support the mothers doing the schooling. There may be some overlap, that SAHM might be able to leverage.

[–]Nursingnursw27 points28 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I find this to be partly true. I think being a SAHM is harder for 1) extroverts and 2) women who worked for years before having children. As someone who’s both worked out of the home full-time out of financial necessity and been a SAHM at different times, I’d pick being a SAHM ten times over.

Everyone experiences stress. Yes, being a SAHM can be isolating at times and stressful almost always. However, often times when you’re working outside of the home you are dealing with work stress and coming home to chores and cooking and daily life just as SAHMs deal with. Most of the time you feel like you’re failing your kids and/or sucking at your job. Also, I get so much more rewarding social interaction from church, the mothers of preschoolers group I am a part of, random people at the grocery store/library/on the phone with family than I ever did from bored coworkers or customers and patients in need.

[–]Hannelore0101 Star3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have thought a lot about this, and I agree and try to orient my thoughts accordingly—I’m not especially suffering more than others

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I imagine extroversion doesn't help! I'm currently in an LDR with my husband, so it's just me and my dog at home. Everyone is so worried I will get lonely - but honestly, I love it! I miss him, of course, but I don't miss 'people' in general. I have my network of people I care about, but I can go for days without talking to another human (in person) and not feel bad at all! But I know a lot of people who would go mad living by themselves, and I imagine it is quite similar for people staying at home with a little baby.

[–]dangernoodle8820 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I dunno, I feel like no matter how you spin it, it's still harder to be a working mother unless you're wealthy. At least in today's society, women still take on most of the housework and childcare despite also working. You have to be separated from your babies all day. And it's not like small talk with coworkers is the pinnacle of social fulfillment. Most working mothers are in a situation where they don't really have a choice otherwise. Whereas SAHM are probably financially capable of doing fun, fulfilling activities outside of the house once the kids are in school.

[–]Hannelore0101 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think that’s the media/popular version of a stay at home wife. A lot of families sacrifice financially to have a parent stay at home, and aren’t wealthy at all. If they have 4 kids in 9 years, that’s 14 years at home before the youngest starts school. And then usually the at-home wife goes back to school or gets a part time job

[–]artemis28634 points35 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I never, ever thought that being a SAHM would be easy. And I've never met a woman who thought that motherhood would be easy. Surely I've met many who were excited, who loved children, and felt fulfilled by nurturing them. That doesn't negate the stress, or mean that they expected to live in some fantasy world. Perhaps enthusiasm and feeling called to motherhood is being misunderstood? Because I was so thrilled to get pregnant, and I am so happy to be pregnant, but that doesn't change the fact that it's also incredibly difficult. I can be excited about it, without being blind to how challenging it's been.

Every woman I've met who aspires to be a SAHM has said something along the lines of, "I know it will be so hard, but it's worth it to me!"

I've also have yet to meet a SAHM who was just "at home all day". Pretty much everyone single one I know is either in school, does something on the side part time, has a business or helps with a family business, volunteers, homeschools, reads, exercises, makes meals from scratch, many garden as well... It's anything but just staying in the house all day. Almost all of the ones I'm in contact with are college educated, and have worked professional jobs. They made the choice to be home because it was important to them.

There are so many paths to fulfiment, so many options, and not everyone needs a paycheck to feel validated. I've met many mothers who feel totally fulfilled and happy being home, and their lives are full of hobbies and interests, and fulfilling and validating work in their homes. Again, that doesn't mean it's not hard. Nothing in life worth doing is easy.

[–]goldensurrender2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, this.

[–]Theendisnearornot14 points15 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have 4 kids. Up until two years ago I stayed at home entirely (I work as a massage therapist a few days a week). If anyone were to ask me for advice on being a stay at home mom it would be this:

1 go through Dave Ramsey’s financial class. Yes, I know it’s religious and he’s very against debt - so it rubs some people the wrong way. But getting your financial house in order is so important.

2 self care...self care.... self care.... what brings you energy and joy and what depletes you? Do as much of the first as you can. Obviously there needs to be a balance because of you hate cleaning you still have to do it. But make sure you are replenishing your stores. And you can’t rely on your spouse at the end of the day to “fill you up” he is also depleted and will probably be looking to his loving wife to help out.

3 go outside as often as possible. As for a very practical piece of advice - as soon as you are able to after baby is born go outside. Go for walks, go to the library for story time, sit outside an read while baby sleeps in a stroller - anything to get yourself outside the house daily.

4 read dr Laura’s book In Praise I’d Stay at Home Moms. Inspiring and helps you remember why you do what you do.

5 avoid social media like the plague - or at least seriously cut down on who you interact with online... everyone has an opinion of how to raise your children- don’t give them extra fodder by posting pictures online of your kids (or block those people from seeing your pictures). Also everyone posts their perfect moments. It’s so easy to compare and get jealous when that’s all you see. Look up something like “the reality behind Pinterest pictures” to get an idea of why I am saying this.

6 treat it like a job... this is one I struggle with the most. It is easy to become complacent because you are home all day. But if you get dressed, put on make up - like you would if you were going out to a job it makes it easier to take it seriously. Obviously there are differences- with a job I get breaks, an ending time, a routine... I try to work that in at home. You can sit down and just enjoy your kids or if they are playing independently- take a break (read a book, put your feet up, etc). And having a definite bedtime (early as possible - seriously) gives you your stopping point. Build as many routines into your day as possible. That makes it easier for you and the kids.

7 join some sort of local mom groups- yes they can be a pain in the butt (because really we never outgrew high school) but you CAN find some mom friends which are vitally important. MOPs is Christian based, but they offer childcare and a chance to hang out with other moms. frequent places other moms would hang out (park, library around Storytime, etc). I did not do this for a very long time - and it was soooo hard to go through all this alone. I have a moms night out group where we go out monthly and during the rest of the time we usually have a group text going. They get me and I get them - it’s soooo important!!

Anyway - I think being a SAHM is important. I think a mom should do everything she can to try and make it work. It isn’t forever (I homeschool so some days it feels like it) - but once your kids are school age you can go get a job again. But you don’t get the time back once it’s gone.

[–]learningtomom1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What does MOP stand for? I might look into whether there is a group in my area. Thank you!

[–]Theendisnearornot1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

MOPs is mothers of preschoolers. It is a Christian program so it is usually held in a church.

[–]learningtomom0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much!

[–]alien_eater28910 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I appreciate this post. I’m a young woman who expects to get married to my long-term boyfriend within the next 2-3 years and have kids a year or two after that. I didn’t have a very traditional family growing up (broken home, messed up mom) and I feel like I can’t even wrap my head around what it’s really like to be a SAHM. My boyfriend knows me better than I know myself and he says I’d be bored to tears without a job, even though personally, I think it sounds amazing.

[–]stevierose789[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would listen to your boyfriend. Talk to him about some options about that would allow you to work and find some personal growth and still allow for the majority of your focus to be on your family.

[–]Cola997721 points22 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I feel as though it’s different for person to person. I’ve found staying at home to be bliss and the thought of a full time job is daunting to me.

I’ve been introverted my entire life and even before I met my husband, I spent a lot of time indoors and away from people.

My husband is the most challenging part of my life as he has a very strong personality and can be thoughtless at times. My personality is strong too which is why I need someone like him to “reign me in” but that’s a conversation for another time.

I’ve been able to do graphic design, web design and social media management from home so I suggest to women to find a talent they can profit off of. I also don’t want to be a stay at home mom forever so I’m giving it a shot at being a high school teacher one day.

[–]stevierose789[S] 11 points12 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You are wise to cultivate the opportunity for economic advancement. You may never want to work at anything that entails leaving your home, but you are keeping your options open. The important thing is use your mind and your talents so you don't become complacent and continue to grow. It is easy to become stagnant when you are home all day.

[–]Cola99774 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I also want to add that other nice career choices mothers can strive for is:

  • Lactation consultant

  • Doula

I always found those career paths appealing. Think it’s very good options for anyone that might feel inspired by reading this thread.

[–]Cola99772 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree wholeheartedly. I also cultivated most of these skills while being a stay at home mom. I’ve got my options open:

  • I finished my business degree and doing a PGCE for teaching. (Full time job)

  • I have my graphic design, etc that I mentioned. (Stay at home)

  • Selling artwork (stay at home)

  • Being a daycare provider (part time)

  • Make up artistry (freelance)

I’ve made sure I have options. It’s so important to have options. I urge every stay at home mother to do what I’ve done and list possible careers and slowly cultivate every avenue. Your husband will also have more respect for you for it so it shows you have drive, want to contribute, growing skills, etc.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Damn my karma to heck but I feel like this is preaching to the choir. I mean the only way you wouldn't know that being a SAHM is hard is if you are litterally living in lala land.

Like the rpw who arent mothers arent exactly hiding from children in general. We're (mostly) adults with expectations grounded in reality.

Yeah. It's hard to raise children but millions of women have done it over thousands of years and so will those of us who choose to and we'll overcome what ever challenges await us like all mothers before us.

[–]stevierose789[S] 10 points11 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It's hard to raise children but millions of women have done it over thousands of years and so will those of us who choose to and we'll overcome what ever challenges await us like all mothers before us.

For much of history, women did not have any choice but to stay at home. They had no options. They had no other route in life. Things are different today. All I am trying to suggest is that women chose the path that is best for them and their family based on looking at the reality of the choices in front of them.

[–]snackysnackeeesnacki15 points16 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I somewhat disagree with this. Women have always worked. The “SAHM” as we think of it is a relatively new phenomenon, 20th century. Before that, it was only wealthy women who had no choice but to stay home - most women had no choice but to work, in some capacity.

In the distant past, when we were more agrarian, women worked alongside their men (and children) on farms and family businesses. During the industrial revolution and after, women worked as seamstresses, nannies, bakers, cooks. My great great grandmother was a nurse. My great grandmother was a schoolteacher. My grandmother was a bookkeeper. There was a great article about her when she retired from her job as business manager after 40 years. It said something like “she initially agreed to work there only because it was near her children’s school and she was promised the hours would not interfere with their care.”

What’s pretty new is the full-time career woman, as well as the industries that have been opened to us. And with that comes the tougher choices.

I wish to work part time after my maternity leave, but I don’t know if it’s feasible. We can swing it financially (my boyfriends an electrician and I’m an attorney, so even part time hours would bring in enough income). But part time legal jobs are almost unheard of in my area, and solo practice would be more trouble than its worth. I will likely have to choose between going back to work full time and taking a job with less hours that is significantly below my skill level (and corresponding pay). My boyfriend may get a new job before the baby arrives, and if he does we will revisit the idea of me being a SAHM for a year or two.

[–]valleycupcake2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m an attorney who’s been a SAHW/M for several years and I’m brushing up to start estate planning part time. I can take as many or as few clients as I want, and will rarely or never have to go to court.

[–]snackysnackeeesnacki1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’d love to hear more about your plans. Are you going to have a separate phone line? Malpractice insurance? Where do you plan to meet with clients?

[–]stevierose789[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes you are right about this and I ashamed because I forgot about the fact that my grandmother took over running a coal yard when her husband passed away. This was after raising ten children.

[–]thatbadlarry6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Good post OP. One challenge I was surprised by was how difficult I found the lack of structure to be. I had to make my own structure and I found that very difficult. It was so easy to let all the hours, days and weeks kind of run together and that wasn’t good for my mental health. Setting up structure for the children and then adhering to it myself really saved my sanity.

[–]stevierose789[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is an excellent point that I forgot to mention. I find that even now, working part time and my children out of the house, it is easy to let a lack of structure destroy my work ethic and a healthy work ethic is essential to feeling good about myself and getting my ass moving.

[–]learningtomom0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

How did you develop structure with an infant? I’m a new mom and now that my baby is almost 8 weeks, I can imagine and feel eager for some routine. :)

[–]thatbadlarry2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

For us it was daily walks in the stroller. After she woke up from the noon nap I would feed and change her diaper and then we would go for long walks in the stroller. I made sure to do that every single days in the afternoons. I made sure that we (adults) had dinner every evening at a certain time and that evenings were as quiet as possible. I would do housework and chores during the mornings. It was a pretty flexible daily routine but it saved my sanity!

[–]learningtomom0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wonderful! Thank you!

[–]MissNietzsche14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Working is hard. SAHM is hard. We know this. Life is hard.

This might be useful in a different community, but you'd have to be blind not to know this as a RPW. That's the whole point.

[–]stevierose789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Perhaps you know this, but I believe there are many young women who read here and my advice is directed toward them. Many have no idea what being a stay at home mom entails because they have no examples to compare and make judgments.

[–]freyalifestyle 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

I thought in the past other women would get together at the park or one ladies house and alternate?

[–]stevierose789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

When I was a stay at home mom there was only a handful of other stay at home moms in my neighborhood and community and none among my girlfriends. I took my kids to the park on a regular basis, but there were many days we were the only ones there. I hope things have changed for today's stay at home moms.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So, when I was a nanny and household manager for millionaires I got respect and admiration from people for my position. When I switched to doing the exact same demanding job for my own husband, all of the respect I got from people for being a productive member of society vanished. The idea was that my husband was undeserving of that kind of support person in his life and I was throwing away my freedom even though I was doing exactly the same stuff in both positions. And I will tell you, being a SAHM for my own husband and children is far easier and fulfilling than doing it for someone else and then still having to come home and give the leftovers to my own home and family. My complaints with the typical feminist approach to SAHMs is that it feeds the mentality that I was a more valuable person when I served my boss than when I served my husband and that my husband doesn't deserve the same support in his life and career as my former boss did. The hardest part of staying home is not the stuff you mention but rather going from someone society esteemed (raising the children of the 1% is important and influential work) to someone society often looks down on...that's it. The rest of it has been a piece of cake and an overall improvement in lifestyle. I still do my hair and makeup daily because I want to look beautiful for my husband. I have hobbies and friends. I don't stay in the house all alone all day long. The only thing about this that has been difficult for me has been feeling like I was viewed as someone important to being viewed by those outside our home as a woman throwing away my potential and wasting my life. My husband cherishes me though and loves the ways in which I support him and my children love having me home. I genuinely believe that prior to the feminist movement this one difficulty I have with this position would not even exist quite like it does now. Managing a home and caring for babies is a job with challenges like any other job. It's harder to have to do another job and then still manage a home. Being a working mother was way harder by far but gave a better superficial ego boost. Women easily conflate the ego boost with meaning it is easier. It is more work to be a working mother and someone else will still need to be paid to stay with the children since the reality society won't admit is that SAHMs are indispensable. We just outsource to teachers, nannies, and daycare workers and give them cash to do those jobs and therefore are seen as more empowered and valued than SAHMs. But, realistically, they only have that position because homemaking and homeschooling are frowned upon so much by American society at large.

My kids are homeschooled (as per my husband's request) and are both entering their teens. So, at this point my company during the day is capable of some pretty mature and adult conversations. We have home school groups and community service and field trips to do that erase the antsy feeling of being trapped in the house. I have not struggled with any of the issues you suggest here because I am creative and open to branching out to try new things. I just wish people saw me serving my own family as having the same kind of value as serving other people's families.

[–]sywonsmumu8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It mostly comes down to keeping yourself by taking care of you, your child, and raising him. If you are absolutely bored in the house, being a sahm, then there may not be enough being done. If that's your standard, then by all means find work that makes you feel fulfilled.

There are hardships of being a sahm. Regardless, sahms should busy themselves in their child, husband, and household. That is the job anyway... There's no fault if one can't handle or isn't cut out for it. The job may be harder, in regards to our well being, if it's not for us.

[–]collectijism9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Maybe you stay home too much. Maybe you should volunteer in your community or pta or take vacations alone to hawaii or stay in italy for a summer with the kids. Learn a new language. Women or people defined by their corporate role in life and what scrap of power or ego fullfillment they get from a corporation have nothing to do with being red pilled. Your in the wrong sub your indoctrinated by school to fullfill your ego as an employee for a corporation. Think outside of the box define yourself by your own terms. Growth has zero to do with making money or climbing a social or career ladder

[–]stevierose789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have no idea how you came to the conclusion that I work in the corporate world or the fact that I was wealthy enough to

take vacations alone to hawaii or stay in italy for a summer with the kids.

I was a teacher in a public school in the US. I am still a teacher for a private nonprofit institution. The difference is the first covered my family's healthcare ( a definite benefit when I had kids at home) and the second does not.

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Julie Bogart says it better, and I quote:

"Being your mom meant I got to cuddle someone non-stop for 12 years..."

"There is nothing more divine than a baby who falls asleep on your chest while you fall asleep and the whole world stops while mother and tiny child become fused as one content, quiet, shared being. No meditation, yoga, prayer circle, private retreat has ever come close to providing me with the depth of peace, pleasure and abiding hope that sleeping with a baby (you!) has given me. "

"Board games and hopscotch, dress-ups, face paint, finger paint, walks in the wood, trips to the zoo, picking up bugs, rolling down hills, blowing bubbles, eating too many cookies, watching Arthur on PBS, rewatching Disney movies, cards, chasing a dog in the backyard, trampoline jumping, creek splashing, snowman building, skiing, middle of the night slumber parties, bike rides, soccer in the backyard, soccer on the official fields, ultimate Frisbee. What adult gets to do this on his or her 9-5 job? Talk about luxury!"

"Mothering is the job that means taking the dog and kids for a walk in the woods is on task. It's the one where teatimes and picnics are considered achievments worth trumpeting to friends and family. It's the job where even on bad days, someone tells you "Hey, I love you, Mom" and then hugs you so tightly, you believe it.

"Sure, affirmation and personal achievment are nice - but they are nothing like that bond that comes from the devotion of loving people who live every day looking for you to see them for who they are. "

All citations from her lovely book A Gracious Space (highly reccommend it to other homeschool moms!)

The cooking and cleaning is only slightly more work with kids in this age of technology. Laundry increases a lot, but we have machines. Just run them more often. Folding takes time, and I like pretty closets, but some women who don't just dump pants in the pants basket, shirts in the shirt basket, no folding. There are non-iron shirts for your husband. Dry them on a hanger and you're done.

If you want to go out without kids, hiring a babysitter or asking grandparental help is often an option. Or sending kids to all kinds of sports, clubs and camps.

What makes it so hard, is when women want to be doing other stuff. When kids and home are the chores they want to rush through to get on with what really matters. I don't rush through the diaper change unless something is about to burn in the kitchen. Because I get to tickle and cuddle and coo and baby loves it. If you rush it to get rid of the poop so you can get back to Facebook, I'm sure it's a drag.

Yes, it is exhausting. By the end of the day, I am utterly spent. Aching and sore. But satisified! What else is my life and time for, but spending it?

The warriors in Valhalla feast and battle every day. And get resurrected the next. Until Ragnarok. Where they will lose, but they relish the fight and give it their all.

I cook and clean and play every day. And do it all again the next day. And if I should die tomorrow, I hope I am not behind on any of the chores, and leave me family as well taken care of as possible. I wouldn't go out with the girls one last time. I would want one last family dinner. And make sure I didn't leave them with the dirty dishes.

(And sure, I get grumpy sometimes. I'm only human, and I prefer the victorious days over the ones where I get defeated - ie. The days where my energy/time is less than my ambitions. It is hard work. But this life is exactly what I live for, and I wouldn't trade it for the world).

Late to the party, busy busy but I wanted to say this.

[–]sunflowergirls850 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve been a Stay at Home mom for 10 years and have 3 kids. My youngest is 3 years old. I am a very protective mom, I only have a couple of people I’ve trusted to watch my kids for a date night with my husband here and there. I have no family around other than my husband and kids. I’ve had almost no help ever. My in-laws live nearby but have always acted burdened when we’ve asked if they could babysit sometimes. I have been lucky enough to have a husband that works hard and has agreed that I should be home with our kids. When I had my first baby, I got a lot of questions about when I was going back to work and if I had found a daycare for my baby yet. I remember feeling as though people thought of me as lazy because I didn’t have a job. There were a couple of times I thought about working so we could afford more things. I even applied for a job about a year ago because I wanted to move because we are basically neighbors with my in-laws and I get tired of it sometimes. I got called for an interview but I didn’t go because I knew in my heart I could never leave my child at a day care. I started listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the radio a few months later and she made me feel so good about my being a full time mom all these years. One thing that makes me happy is that my kids(older ones) tell me they are happy I am always here at home for them, they say they wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I know I will have time to get a job when my youngest is in school full time or maybe I will decide to take some time to do other things I’ve wanted to do. Being a full time mom is hard but it’s something I am glad I’ve had the chance to do.

[–]lizzyb1870 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you really want to see just how bad it can get you should check out a subreddit called breaking mom. Don't write the actual link here or it will alert their mods.

[–]slovakdirector0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

this is all a big exaggeration, besides after you spend a few years at home the kids start going to school at which point it makes sense for you to go out and get a job if you want one

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel that half and half is good, like maybe take a couple of years off to stay with the kids and take up a new hobby. But for sure, SAHM definitely get put down a lot and are portrayed as leeches or lazy which can be true.

[–]ThisIsJustATr1bute0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok but part of why they are annoyed is that in the past there were entire communities of SAHMs who hung out and helped with the kids. The isolation is a modern thing.

[–]JeenyusJane0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Clap clap clap

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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