Living together before marriage

missaudreyhorne · 2017-03-23T00:19:04+00:00

Me and my husband waited until we were married to live together and everything else ;) He proposed on our year anniversary.

I feel like if we had sex or moved in together when we were dating, the proposal would have taken longer. When two people are busy with their lives and getting everything they want out of a relationship, there often isn't any rush to make things official. Often, after awhile though this causes some concern for (usually) the female who figured they would be married after a year or two and not 5 or 6. I have had this happen to 3 of my female friends & all 3 got an engagement ring after strongly hinting it was important to them. Only one of them has been married and she had to wait another 2 years after the engagement although they both claimed to be 'married' in God's eyes beforehand whatever that means. The other relationship dissolved after 2 years when she cheated & the 3rd no longer thinks a 'piece of paper' is as important as she once did and changed her last name on facebook to his name and calls him her husband. I know not ALL relationships are the same, but I wasn't willing to take the risk after seeing how those turned out.

I am happy with our choice & it made everything so magical and exciting & the honeymoon period hasn't gone away yet and it's been over a year. In my last relationships that phase ended around 3-4 months.

It's also reassuring knowing that he has such control of his sexual urges (it was his idea to wait for marriage he is deeply religious) and shows strong moral character and his love for me and not just my body.

ThatStepfordGal · 2017-03-23T00:54:42+00:00

I definitely think living together before marriage is a no-no. I wouldn't force this on others but honestly you can practice 'living together' while being out on holidays, camping and etc. By living together before getting married, I can't help but think that saps away some of the excitement of getting married in order to bring two lives together. What's the big difference between your lives now and when you're married? You change titles, but one of the main benefits, getting to live together, is already used up. Though that's just me, I'm not actually religious either.

asteadyheart · 2017-03-22T21:17:24+00:00

A lot of studies say that living together before marriage results in a higher probability of divorce.

But what it's leaving out are some key details. Like, those who tend not to live together before marriage tend to share a similar strong cultural or religious identity. Sharing an identity like this will add strength to a relationship.

For example, a Christian couple who share a view that you should not live together before marriage also share a view that they must submit themselves and entrust their lives to God. So any compromises like which side of the bed to sleep on, what TV show to watch after dinner, etc are all easy to solve. They are already used to submitting themselves to something bigger than them, so a potential household dispute needs to be a bit more than how to fold the laundry.

But this isn't an advertisement for Christianity. Any couple that enters cohabitation with the mindset that they are making a new life together, and not trying to have the other's life fit their current life, will probably be successful. It just so happens that many of the modern mindsets (especially with women who are older and have more established lives and careers) it is a lot harder to accept that view.

I used to have the view that I should not live with my future husband before we get married, due to my cultural and religious upbringing. But, after I met my non-religious future husband and moved in with him, I am very glad we did. While we didn't have too many things that caused struggle, we did have a lot of compromising to do.

We also looked at our friends and family around us, who lived with their SO or future spouse before marriage. One of them were engaged when they moved in, and a year later (they are now married) they have come to realize "oh this wasn't as easy as we thought."

I think you need to do what you feel is right. But no matter where you come from, what kind of cultural background, religion, or anything else. You should enter cohabitation with the mindset of compromise. You are not here to win everything, and it's not a life that is just comfortable for you, but for your partner as well.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2017-03-22T21:15:46+00:00

I've never lived with a boyfriend (currently on my third LTR) at age 28. The first two I didn't have an urge to live together, but my current relationship is more serious, however I can't live with him before marriage for family reasons. It's against my family rules. My brother and his wife didn't live together before marriage, however they had taken several vacations together and also was long distance for a few years so stayed at each other's places, but they never officially shared a house together until marriage.

For me I'm slightly nervous because virtually every one of my friends lived with their boyfriends unmarried, some ended up in marriage and some ended up breaking up. Some ended up just continuing to live together with no plans of marriage. But for me it's extremely strange and borderline offensive to live with a man without him being my husband. I think I have an idea of how a home life should be with a man and if he's not my husband, I'm unable to fulfill that.

RadioactiveTentacles · 2017-03-23T04:00:10+00:00

I personally live with my non husband- live in boyfriend. We have every intention of getting married, but lack the means to do it as of yet. And to be honest, I'm one of the "try it out" women. Things change in every way when you live together. This works for us.

We live together because we want to be married, but have some financed and debts to take care of first. It's just a priority thing. If I could have married him first, I would have. I have no doubts, however, I have to be careful to check my pride. It's my hamartia.

However, if you're not comfortable with that, you hold your ground, and yell people that your lifestyle is none of their business if they're disrespectful about it. They don't need to accept it. Their loss. If he's happy, and you're happy, what's the problem?

I personally think we see a lot of validation seeking around here (not a problem, it's sometimes necessary) but the thing is, we don't necessarily have to agree, and I think that's an important part of the equation. I, personally, am okay assuming a married lifestyle with my captain who I am not yet married to, given our circumstances. If you aren't comfortable with that under any circumstances, there's no wrong in it. As long as you're both getting what you need from the relationship, whether you live together doesn't have to be important.

babymuffy · 2017-03-22T21:06:45+00:00

My husband and I lived together for a few years before getting married. He proposed about six months after I moved in so we were cohabiting and engaged for quite a long time... looking back we definitely would have gotten married sooner had we been living separately; it took a while to get the wedding scheduled because it felt like we were married already.

I think living together a good thing, honestly, though that may be a very modern opinion on my part. You get past the honeymoon period more quickly under the same roof and know if the relationship is going to last before the wedding.

My sibling and their spouse didn't live together before marriage for religious reasons and the first few months were a little strained but they're still very happy years later (I have a cute little nibling and another on the way!) so it can work either way! I think you should use your own compass on this one, or follow your heart as it were.

loneliness-inc · 2017-03-22T21:40:59+00:00

Nothing wrong with not living together before marriage. However, if that's your choice, you ought to have a much shorter engagement period. You can wait a few months before having sex, you can't really wait a year or three. Technically, you can, but it's not healthy for several reasons.

I know many people who waited until marriage and they have very strong marriages. While it sounds logical to want to try it out first, here's a counter logic to that. Think of it this way, do you want to marry someone who needs to try you on for size the way you try on clothing or the way you try out a new car? I sure wouldn't. I'm a person, not an item to be tried on.

More important than trying out actual sex is to ensure common core values and life goals and a deep emotional connection. The emotional connection will be in its infancy because it's something that (hopefully) continues to grow over time. But the basis for it is something that can be established within a month or two. The details of sex can always be worked out later.

In other words - if value of sex is primarily the physical activity, you'd need to try out the physical activity for size. But if the primary value is the deep intimate bond, you ought to not have sex until somewhat of bond is established and nurtured.

YoungYogiMama · 2017-03-22T23:27:19+00:00

My boyfriend moved in together our junior year of college (after 2 years of dating) mainly because it was our cheapest option since we could share a room and we had been having sleepovers every night anyway. It worked for us and our parents supported it. We still live together now (after 7.5 years dating) and even have a 16-month old daughter! We learned so much about each other from living together and never regretted it for a second! It boggles my mind that people get married never having lived together. I overheard a women the other day complaining to her friend that she didnt know what an avid sports fan her hubby was until they married and moved in together. It is so weird to me! But to each their own. Personally i am so glad we moved in together and we still arent even married and don't plan to marry for a while either.

It is worth mentioning that when we lived together in college his family was only 15 minutes away so it would be an easy transition if we broke up. I think having a back up plan is ALWAYS a good idea!

RubyWooToo · 2017-03-23T01:57:44+00:00

My fiancé and I have only moved in together in the last couple of months. We chose not to live together for a few reasons.

We weren't making a financial commitment before an actual commitment. No matter what anyone says, putting your name on a lease with someone else is a financial gamble.
We weren't going to risk feeling obligated to one another, before actively making a commitment. It's a lot harder to break up with someone when you live with them.
This was our last chance to be single. We weren't going to pass up the opportunity to enjoy our time alone, doing what we wanted. In five years, we'll never have a moment alone.
Quite frankly, we weren't going to play marriage and have all the perks with none of the responsibility. If he'd asked, that's how I'd have seen it and I'd have been anything but flattered. I don't want to be my best friend who's lived with her fiance for five years, engaged for one, with no wedding date in mind.

We've heard over and over again, for the last year, how you can't truly know each other, until you've lived together. I'm sorry, but if that's true, then both people involved need to grow up and be more honest with each other. We spent up to two weeks together at a time, including many weekends and a trip away. We knew each other's quirks and there have been no surprises over the last two months. We're good and this was what was right for us.

RubyWooToo · 2017-03-23T10:24:43+00:00

I chose to wait until I was engaged and our wedding date set to move in with my husband.

I wasn't going to give up my apartment and essentially take on the role of a wife unless I was sure I was going to become his wife. Also, the idea of moving in with a guy, breaking up, and then moving in with someone else eventually just never sat right with me. My family was a factor, too, I admit. They didn't like the idea of cohabitation before marriage at all, but since we were engaged, they felt better about the idea.

Lastly, I simply knew too many women who moved in with their boyfriends, and after a few years of cohabitation, they pressed for marriage and got the "But marriage is just a piece of paper" and "Everything is just fine as it is; why do you want to change it" argument.

He asked me to move in with him about 6 months into dating, and I told him that I wouldn't move in with him unless we were engaged. He proposed on our year anniversary. Who knows if he would've proposed anyway at a year if I moved in, but I suspect that my decision was a powerful incentive.

tempintheeastbay · 2017-03-23T06:27:14+00:00

I had always thought I'd never move in with a man I wasn't at least engaged to. My reasoning was similar to some of y'all in this thread:

-it lessens the weight of the decision to marry -even though I've been sexually active with all my long-term boyfriends, the symbolic representation of purity mattered to me -I wanted to indulge my gross single behaviors some more! ;P (i.e. drinking milk out of the box, etc.)

I moved in with my current BF after only 6 mo's of dating - not the plan! Did so because:

-We fully plan to get married (discuss it a lot, are waiting until debts paid off and we have enough saved up for wedding; I also have a lot of anxiety around getting married before I've built a full adult life for myself) -I just felt so in love that the idea of waiting an extra year or two to get engaged and move in together...and at the end of the day, giving up those years, those hours, those minutes of time together, was intolerable! I plan to be with this man forever but even 80 years sounds far too short, so I didn't want to give up even 30 days of those 80 years if I could help it.

It's been working out wonderfully for us.

Willow-girl · 2017-03-23T21:51:45+00:00

I don't think it will wreck a good relationship or salvage a bad one!

I do see some danger in moving in with someone casually, then winding up with so much invested -- like sharing a lease or a mortgage or pets or even children(!) -- that the 'sunk cost fallacy' comes into play and you end up making a suboptimal commitment, because you feel you have too much to lose otherwise. Marriage should be a clear-headed choice, not something that you sort of stumble into.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2017-04-02T06:42:34+00:00

I know many disagree with me, but I just don't like the idea of living together before marriage. Maybe when it becomes more mainstream I'll warm up to it.

For one thing, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Why would a guy want to propose if he's already getting all the benefits of marriage? Guys need to chase. You make yourself less desirable IMO if you live with him before marriage and certainly if you do so before becoming engaged.

A friend of mine lived with her husband for a bit before marriage and she says it almost ruined their relationship. She doesn't advise anyone to do it and told me that statistics show people who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

I just don't like it, plain and simple. I understand that it often makes sense financially, but I still just don't like it. It gives me a bad gut feeling.

Landry86 · 2017-03-22T21:08:34+00:00

There's a lot of pros... saves money, can spend more time together, provides as a good "test" (you know, to see if ya'll can actually live together in peace or not)

I think the problem is people move in way too soon. Separate places are better until you really think you trust the person enough to get married. That could take years... so usually moving in together is a bad idea

allhailthebitch · 2017-03-23T02:07:57+00:00

As someone who does live with my SO before marriage, I think it's great. I have no doubts in my mind that we will always be together, and our relationship is extremely healthy. We originally didn't want to live together before marriage, because of our religious beliefs, but circumstances forced us into it. It did nothing but bring us closer together and give each other a better understanding of who the other person was.

[deleted] · 2017-03-23T13:22:56+00:00

My SO and I live together. We're both not very marriage minded. Moving in together was the big commitment for us.

Starletblonde · 2017-03-23T21:03:49+00:00

New to lurking in TRP, MRP & RPW. There is many aspects that appeal to me and we're surprised that my hubby displays several (not all) of the Alpha characteristics without reading this stuff.

Figured this would be an easy question to dip my toe in the pool so to speak.

Met my husband and dated him for 1.5 years with occasional sleepovers at his place.

After that we went monogamous with me sleeping at his place every night for 2 years with me returning home every AM to shower change and head to work.

Then we moved into a new place together and live together for 2.5 years before he proposed.

Started to plan a traditional wedding but 4 months into planning I realized how psycho the whole business of it is and said fuck it lets run to Vegas and secretly elope. Two weeks later we were married in Las Vegas.

Fast forward 7 years and we are still married and loving life and each other more than day 1 (sans kids bc we don't want them).

If you can't make it to the 7 year itch without each loving the other more than when you started (and 100x more mature with lots of personal growth) than divorce is most likely in your future.

I can't resonate with women who would say they would demand an engagement sooner or would leave if it didn't happen. Get better intuition - you either know it's the real deal or your in lala land and don't really know your own relationship. Also, straight forward direct communication styles on both ends are essential to a healthy, reality-based relationship. I never once questioned whether he would propose. I knew he would from the day we moved in together because we had clear communication.

[deleted] · 2017-03-24T17:50:01+00:00

Mr. Dunham and I lived together before marriage, it was rushed because of financial reasons (neither of us could afford to live on our own). It worked out fine but I remember after we got married, nothing felt different or new, because it wasn't. That was a little disappointing.

Spazzy19 · 2017-03-27T18:15:00+00:00

I actually wrote my senior thesis paper on this topic back in 2006. The stats have changed, but the concepts I'm sure are about the same.

Honestly, there are a ton of factors, but the main thing I walked away with was that it's all about attitude. In the US there seems to be more of an attitude of "well let's live together for at least 6 months and then we'll see about getting married." It's a conscious test and creates a barrier between the couple. You already know things about your partner that are of concern... You're not going to change him/her...So why bother? It's the test attitude that had the highest probability of divorce later on. Other times people just moved in too soon, jumped into marriage before the honeymoon phase ended, and then realized they really weren't all that compatible.

My ex husband and I didn't cohabitate. And the things I learned that ultimately ended our marriage (addiction) weren't uncovered until after 4 years of marriage and 6 years together. There's never a guarantee either way, but I do not regret not cohabitating, nor do I feel it would have shown me anything 4 years of living together married did.

At the end of June I'm going to move in with my bf. It is not my ideal preference as I would like to be engaged at least, but I'm actually getting excited about it. It works out because my landlord had to sell my condo, but he'd been thinking about asking me for a little bit already. I wouldn't want to just move in haphazardly because I was going to be homeless and force it. If I felt that way I'd just keep looking for another place to buy or rent.

[deleted] · 2017-03-30T01:52:48+00:00

No opinion, just experience here. We lived together for 4 years, then married for 13 more years. That ended 2 years ago in divorce.

Title	Living together before marriage
Author	vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes	13
Comments	45
Date	March 22, 2017 8:49 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/living-together-before-marriage.87106 https://theredarchive.com/post/87106
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/60xc0x/living_together_before_marriage/