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Making sense of my boyfriend's behavior: "Men want to be alone, but not by ourselves"

January 18, 2022

Some of you may have seen Patrice O'Neal's hilarious bit about men and women before. If you haven't, stop reading right now and watch it before reading the rest of this post. I watched it for the first time last night, and suddenly my boyfriend's behavior made more sense.

For context, my boyfriend and I usually spend the weekends together at his place since (1) he lives alone and I don't, and (2) Sunday nights we have dinner with his grandparents, and he lives closer to them than I do. This past weekend, I found myself getting annoyed with the fact that for most of the day, he wanted to do the same things he usually does when nobody's around (i.e. work on personal projects and build stuff). I had my own things to occupy myself, so it's not like I had nothing to do, but I found my hamster going crazy: "Is he mad at me? Why won't he talk to me about stuff today? How can he sit there for 2 hours doing his own thing without saying anything to me? Why is he being so quiet? Did I do something wrong? Do I look ugly/fat today? Are we going to end up not having sex tonight later? Is he preparing to break up with me?"

Instead of letting my hamster do the talking, I reminded myself that my boyfriend has always been very direct when there's an issue with us, and that he probably is just getting lost in a project in the same way that I do sometimes. So I just STFU and did my own thing while he did his, and trusted that he would come over to me when he wanted to.

And.....everything ended up being totally fine. We talked and spent time together later on with his friends, sex happened that night (and the following morning oh yum), he couldn't stop cuddling me til we fell asleep....he and I were both our usual selves. So I asked myself, "Why was I so convinced something was wrong?"

Well, part of this is my own neurosis because I was raised to walk on eggshells around people thanks to an abusive Cluster B mother. Since going completely no-contact with her, I've been teaching myself not to assume that something was wrong when there were other more logical explanations. But the bigger reason is that sometimes we forget that men and women operate differently. Unless he's effeminate or abusive (which mine definitely isn't), your boyfriend is not going to passive aggressively ignore you or give you the silent treatment. That is how women express anger or resentment. Men will be much more direct, especially if you don't compete with him for dominance in the relationship.

After watching Patrice O'Neal's bit, I realized that nothing was wrong and my boyfriend did want me around; he just wanted to have his own space to do his stuff while I was there, as we've been dating long enough to have entered that more comfortable phase. If I had nagged him and repeatedly asked if he was upset with me, he would've *become* annoyed because he hates unnecessary drama.

So ladies, just remember that your man is not one of your girlfriends. He wants you in his space, content with his company, even if you're both focused on doing other things for a few hours and not talking to each other. It's part of being a peaceful, soft landing place for him. During those times, find something to do/read/listen to/create in order to shut up that hamster and keep yourself from becoming idle!

Feel free to discuss, add on, or disagree in the comments.

(Disclaimer: I'm not talking about the man you've run out of things to say to after the honeymoon phase is over, or the man who withdraws from you because you're being domineering. I'm talking about when you've dated long enough to be comfortable with each other (or married), and he just wants to do his own thing sometimes while you're over.)

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Post Information
Title Making sense of my boyfriend's behavior: "Men want to be alone, but not by ourselves"
Author amadexodus
Upvotes 97
Comments 11
Date January 18, 2022 9:31 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]Conscious_Way444 35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Healthy relationships naturally progress to a point where both parties can just exist comfortably together, without necessarily interacting. As an introvert, I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I couldn’t do my own thing without being interrogated about it 😅

[–]mbniceguy 25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good take.

[–]SunshineSundressEndorsed Contributor 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There just aren’t stand ups like Patrice anymore! He was a legend.

This reminds me of this RPW sidebar post: Be a Cat. I followed this when my relationship got more serious. I get excited when we come home and see each other, and shower him in kisses and hugs and cuddles. But I consciously hold off on the “How was your day? What did you do?” questions, so he can decompress (and so can I) and we can just relax a bit after a long day.

It works! My man verbally told me how much he likes and cherishes those moments of quiet bliss on many occasions. We can save all of those fun questions for dinner time, after we’ve both had a chance to settle in :P

[–]SilentDawnn 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My boyfriend and I naturally have this dynamic in our apartment together. He’ll go into the bedroom to play video games and go on his phone, and I’ll stay in the living room to do the same, or cook/clean. We can go 2-3 hours only saying a handful of words, or none at all. Gives us both a chance to recharge and focus on our own activities while knowing the other is right around the corner. It’s really peaceful.

[–]dadudenines 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We've barely advanced beyond the ancient Greeks:

Yes, Zeus made this the greatest pain of all:

If she seems to want to help

that's when she does her keeper the most harm.

A man who's with a woman can't get through

a single day without a troubled mind.

He'll never banish Hunger from his house:

unwelcome, hateful lodger, hostile god.

Just when a man seems most content at home

and ready for enjoyment, by the grace

of god or man, that's when she'll pick a fight,

her battle-helmet flashing, full of blame.

A household with a woman is at a loss

STFU is some advanced technology.

[–]denverwind1 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love Patrice. He tells it like it is. Most people can't handle the truth.

[–]TheBunk_TB 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Polite warning: His life isn’t always about “you”. A healthy man has himself in his life, too

[–]squideye62 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This gave me a little peace of mind. Thank you:) <3

[–]btt069 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This girl gets it.

[–]Sea_Bookkeeper_15331 Star 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes it's very true. We regularly sit together while he plays a video game and I read / watch terrible TV. It's nice. :)

[–]aussiedollface2 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is my husband!!!! If I go to leave the house though he’s all like “oh, where are you going without me?” Lololol. He def wants me around but just not as into talking as much as I am xo

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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