~ archived since 2018 ~

Married when he had nothing

June 7, 2017

Kind of curious, many women who are looking to marry will look at the man's job first, because financial success is a huge factor for attraction.

However I feel like in real life I've seen a lot more couples marry when he wasn't established yet or still in the beginnings of his career. It seems like these actually make for good relationships because it's more apparent the woman is with him for him, stayed with him through uncertainty, rather than judging based just on his job/salary from the beginning. Plus when people marry in their mid/late 20's, most are at the beginning of their careers anyway.

Married RPW, how many of you married when your husband wasn't established, or maybe even struggling (for instance trying to finish a degree or an entrepreneur)? Did you see an effect of your love and loyalty on his success later in life? Did his lack of financial success (at least at the time of marriage) affect your attraction to him?

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/RedPillWomen.

/r/RedPillWomen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Title Married when he had nothing
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 34
Comments 34
Date June 7, 2017 8:35 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars24 points25 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I married mine when he was about to quit his job to start a business. I never saw it as a 'lack of success', I have always been so proud of his drive & initiative & entrepreneurial spirit. I think women are attracted to passion & skill, no matter the employment situation.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I never saw it as a 'lack of success', I have always been so proud of his drive & initiative & entrepreneurial spirit.

Beautiful point!

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. Re-reading it, though, I feel at pains to point out that I would have been less okay with it had he a) been in a less-lucrative field (he's in a corporate + solid field, not a quirky/artistic/etc field), b) not had a strong work ethic that was shown through years of employment, and c) not had a solid business/financial plan, as well as some savings for this purpose.

A friend of mine's partner has recently tried to start a business. In stark contrast, a) it's in a field that's already saturated, because he's not interested in anything more lucrative/less artistic, b) he hasn't ever held a job for that long, especially not in this field, and c) he hasn't worked/sacrificed/saved to allow himself a good financial cushion while he starts up. His partner was supporting him up until recently, despite being a poor graduate herself. He's now moved back in with his mother. I don't see it working well.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When getting to know a guy, it's not about if he's successful yet, it's about is he reasonably ambitious with a good work ethic and providing instinct. If he works hard to make his way it's fine. If he sits on couch refusing to seek employment it's not fine.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor18 points19 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think that if you marry a man when he is poor, he'll have a lot more confidence in your commitment to him.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Depends on the circumstances. If the guy is poor because he's young and just starting out, but has a fantastic work ethic and goals for himself, that's fine.

But many women fall into the trap of investing in a guy who is poor because he's lazy and aimless, because they think he has "potential" (even though he's all talk and no action) or because they think that with enough love and encouragement he will change.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very good point.

Most of the time you can actually see these things if you aren't blinded by love.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars20 points21 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

My husband and I were friends for a few years before we started dating. At the time we first met, he was couch surfing and working an entry-level job that he hated. He decided to quit, bury himself in learning the skills for the field he wanted to break into-- which was completely unrelated to his degree or his current job-- and then got a mid-level job in that field. I was really impressed by his drive and ambition.

A few years later, he received an offer on the job that would eventually become the catapult to his current lucrative career. He called me to brag about the offer he received, which he was going to accept without negotiation. I told him he should ask for $15K more than what they offered. He thought I was crazy at first, but decided to give it a try, just for the hell of it. They accepted his counter-offer.

He then asked me to dinner to thank me, which turned into our first proper date. :-)

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What a fantastic story! I love that you had the chance to show him not only your faith in him and his professional worth...but also your street smarts :)

[–]mydogisfabulous1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I respect your goals, and I learn a lot from this sub, but I can't find it in me to develop gold digger traits...I was never taught that at home...

I wouldn't date an alcoholic out of a job woman beater that's for sure. It's just that focusing on the wallet too much sounds too cold, but as I said earlier, I respect women who choose to value men based on money, to each their own.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'm not a gold digger in any stretch of the word. I have my own degrees and my own successful career. My parents (who came to the USA as poor immigrants) raised me to be able to support myself without need of a man.

If you actually read my post, my husband's intelligence and drive to succeed is one of the many things I appreciate about him. And he loved that I motivated him to obtain the very best for himself, hence why he asked me out.

But I will say that if you think that money doesn't (or shouldn't) impact a relationship, then you're incredibly naive. Financial problems are among the top reasons people get divorced. The constant anxiety of not having enough to pay your bills puts a lot of strain on a relationship.

[–]mydogisfabulous0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm not saying it shouldn't matter at all, as I said I wouldn't have a long term relationship with an alcoholic deadbeat for example.

But the amount of importance some women place on the salary of the potential husband is a bit astounding to me since I come from a family and context when they both married without much economic success or having a comfortable life standard from the very beginning, however, they did achieve that a few years into the marriage through hard work and more especially together. I don't come from a family or context of gold diggers..they have always motivated us to be hardworking, giving and appreciating kindness and integrity.

If all women were fixated on the man's wallet, I wouldn't even have been born, neither some of my friends...I think that's what makes me a bit sad. And as much as male red pillers say AWALT, I'm glad ladies like you are just a percentage (although a big one) in the huge pool of women. I would find it hard to instill that kind of values in a daughter, to be honest.

So yeah, I come from a context where husband and wife build their economic success together. I think that's why I find it hard to accept that some ladies do value purchasing power in men way too much. But nobody should shame anyone, and I respect that. That was not my intention. We all have different priorities.

As I said earlier, we are here to learn and respect other ladies' opinions/choices in the process, so I hope you get what you want in the end and find your happiness!

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think you're choosing to interpret my comments in a deliberately negative way, and frankly, I'm insulted that you think that because I admire hard work and ambition in a man that I am gold digger and wholly lacking in kindness and integrity.

Again, if you read my comment and didn't try to immediately put a nasty spin on it, you will know that I met and started dating my husband when he was just on the road to establishing himself. When I advised him to ask for more money than what he was being offered, it was advice based on my experience with corporate salary negotiations, which at the time was more extensive than his. As we were just friends at the time, and I had no idea he was even romantically interested in me, I had no personal incentive in whatever he ended up making.

And again, it's not "purchasing power" that I admire in a man so much as it is a work ethic and a drive to excel. Those are qualities that translate not only to success in employment but in relationships as well.

[–]mydogisfabulous0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

You're free to value wallet as much as you want. I just said I found it a bit unsettling and that I wouldn't like to pass on that kind of values to a future daughter, because honestly that's what I truly feel/think. I never meant to offend or shame anyone. You can build your life with whoever you want seeking whatever you want too, kindness, loyalty, physical beauty, money, whatever..really...

I come here because I take in plenty of useful stuff, that's for sure.

Let's not make this thread go off topic. I learn a lot from this sub, and I take much more positive insights and values than negative ones.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I said I value hard work and drive... Not the wallet. And where did I say that's the only thing value? Why are you deliberately twisting my words?

My husband came from nothing, worked hard for everything he has (as have I), and I am proud of him for it.

If you think that's gold digging, then you have a really dysfunctional view of the world.

[–]RedPillWonder13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's difficult to overstate the power and effect of a great wife on her husband's success.

And the misery and struggle of a husband with a bad wife.

[–]anothergoodbook8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

We got married at 21. He wasn't established :) he had an amazing work ethic though.

[–]GratefulWifeandMama17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes on the work ethic. We got married in our mid 20's and he had a pretty solid job doing physical labor. Through his intelligence and incredible work ethic he has moved up within the same company many payscales. He has no upper education and his peers have masters. He has said many times my support has been integral to his success. I could not be more proud of him!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I met my husband in high school, he proposed to me when we were in college when neither of us were "established" yet. Throughout our entire relationship, he had very strong work ethic and always set goals for himself, it set him apart from the other guys in our age range/peer group who only seemed to be interested in partying. It was one of the things about him that caught my interest immediately. He has accomplished a lot since then and has made major headway in his career, I am always impressed by how ambitious he is. :)

[–]Landry865 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have mixed feelings on this topic. I'm 31 now and tend to date older, meaning the men I date are usually 35-40. I have to admit that it would be a little difficult for me to respect someone who doesn't have a career at the age of 40.

I have never been on a date with someone who is not established in their career, not because I've purposely avoided it, but because most men who aren't stable realize they shouldn't be dating.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah that is the one caveat. A lot of guys who aren't established at all often feel like they can't be in a relationship and have all these issues around it.

[–]Landry861 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes ma'am!

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes I definitely think the practicality of "investing" in a man early tends to get complicated as you get older :) A hopeful, wide-eyed young man with big dreams and not so much as a used Honda to his name is a romantic image I've had in my mind since I'm in my 20's, but I agree that if I was dating men in their 40's... it'd be much more unusual that they'd be in that position! You'd sort of have to have a good reason.

[–]Arcade426 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think work ethic is what is attractive. Or drive. Or ambition.

A good job can be an indicator of this because he had to get it and keep it somehow.

But a lot of young couples are in the process of working towards that good job. College, moving up in the company, job hunting, starting businesses, etc. So its proabable that these couples are just seeing the potential and ambition for greatness and recognize that their 20 year old boyfriend isn't going to be making six figures just quite yet.

[–]unruffledlake3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for bringing up this common component in the traditional ideal of marrying sooner than later. Though not always necessary or possible, a usual key to success in the beginning is family economic support. Often the young married couple will live with his parents (called a joint family) until he is financially established enough to get a separate place. Or they may even continue living in the same compound if it's large enough and has somewhat separate living spaces. There are many benefits to multiple generations living in the same compound.

[–]Ariel1255 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

we got married at 29, he was unemployed on our wedding day, fresh out of the Army, and with $120k in art school debt.

I didn't care.

He's my everything... I can't even explain how he is my everything. 6 years later we've bought 2 houses, live in a middle-upper class neighborhood, and he has a great professional management career. I work as well but we both make above average salaries. I knew he wasn't lazy and the art school thing had set him back.

But we actually met in art school, so if not for that major we'd never have met.

[–]mydogisfabulous0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

you're definitely not the average lady!

[–]Spazzy193 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I married my ex husband when we were 22 and he was getting out of the Marine Corps. We moved cross country for him to go to college. He worked as a Produce and Dairy manager in the meantime at a grocery store he used to work at in high school while I worked full time as well. He didn't get "established" in his teaching career until 5 years later, but he always made decent money, had a great work ethic, and had plans.

I recently opted to not date a guy who was compatible on a time and emotional level as me, and part of the factor was his job. He works at UPS as a loader/unloader, and while I have no problem with the job itself, it was more a lack of drive that put me off. He had a dual degree in literature and Spanish, and liked the fact he didn't have to think in warehouse jobs. Because he lacks a car currently (also a factor), he got up at 1:30am some days in order to bike 1.5 hrs to work! He had a good ethic in that regard, but I prefer more drive in a guy... Not complacency.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We met at school and married at twenty so yes, he was not successful at that time but twenty five years later he's still not successful. I would advise my daughter to think long and hard about the practical, financial aspects of life before marrying - not marry for money, but definitely not marry purely for romantic ideas of love.

[–]APatriotsWomyn1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My Husband thought he was where he needed to be when we married at 23. We fell in Love and married young, I had finished my vocational and went on to get my Mastery. He worked some pretty whacky hours with income to match. We made do. Now that we are about 30 years old we have a good Life. Three wonderful children and a stable marriage. Now he looks forward to getting his university admission by doing 3 years of evening classes. It will be tough - but he knows I will have his back.

[–]HisHumbleDarling0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I married my husband during the last recession. He lost his job right after he proposed to me because the company he worked for shut down. We were broke for about 4 years and then life improved dramatically nearly 2 years ago.

He bought a house for us and I no longer have to work. We're taking a trip to Europe in October and I will be starting horseback riding lessons when we return from our trip. We will never be rich but we are quite comfortable.

I was always attracted to my husband but I won't lie and say that the lean years were not frustrating. It was not enjoyable to live in crappy apartments and have no money for anything fun. Looking back, we agree that we should have waited until he was working again to get married. I took a leap of faith because I felt that our financial situation would improve. I'm glad that I was right.

Our relationship was strengthened by those hard times and we learned to rely on each other even more. It's wonderful to look back on how far we've come.

I don't think it's wrong for a woman to look for financial stability. However, focusing purely on income is a mistake because nobody can have a relationship with material possessions. If a man is poor, he needs to have a strong work ethic and ambition.

[–]jeanbroady0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband started his business the year we were married. We were pretty poor compared to most of our peers. We also were both hard working and frugal. I had just graduated from college six months before we married and was unable to find a job in my field in the town where we lived so I took on a low paying retail job. I also went back to school for two years (part time) to earn an education degree in my field while I continued working full time. Back then college tuition was not the astronomical price it is today. The cost of attending a state school branch was affordable and flexible for working students. Meanwhile my husband worked his ass off and gave his all to his company. He ran estimates, and worked on the site, and did the bookkeeping, and made the repairs on the equipment. He was young and driven and he built his company over the years with his sweat, his determination, and most important his common sense. I cannot stress the importance of common sense in a marriage. I had enough sense to go back to school to find job that was realistic and ended up working as a teacher. It is a great job which I love and I am grateful for the health insurance it provided and the fact that the hours were perfect for a mother who needed to be off work when her 3 kids were home. My husband worked a lot of long days, but he managed to find the time to coach little league, and take his family camping, and take his family on vacations. He never tried to get rich fast. He was honest, trustworthy, kept a cool head and always weighed the situation. He has been in business for 37 years and he has built a very successful company. I am writing this post because he recently reminded me (when I was worrying about one of my children being a little financially strapped) of how little we had when we started out. I told him I never felt like we were lacking for anything and I meant it. You don't miss what you don't have. What you will regret is missing what you do have because you are too busy to recognize it. I love my husband for his wisdom in recognizing that his family was the most precious and fleeting part of his life. He works very hard, he is a good provider, and most important he understands that happiness is the memories you make.

[–]jenna_r0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, we married in our mid-twenties, while he was between jobs because of an injury. He had been working since his teens, though, so, as many have pointed out, he had already established himself as a hard worker.

[–]ohlookitsdd0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think when someone is younger especially, one can look at their potential to be successful rather than established success. If he has actual, obtainable goals for the future and drive to match, I see that as a positive.

A man with established success has proven that he has the qualities to be successful, and he probably still has potential to do even better as life goes on. even if he fails at something now, he has proven that he can establish himself once again. The problem lies when men (or women) of really any age have these humongous, unrealistic dreams and expect someone to see that as "potential". This is more common among young people I think, but I kind of see it as a red flag if he is still like that in his 30s.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter