~ archived since 2018 ~

Men are not made of porcelain

May 8, 2021

I will start by saying that in today's climate, us women are encouraged to criticise or even "train" our men. Women brag about making their man cook and clean, everybody is outraged if some woman asks for her husband's permission to do something, and so on. It is emasculating and toxic to relationships. Most men are hard-working individuals who stomach shitty bosses and histerical clients all day and the last thing they need is for their SO to scold them for leaving a dirty plate on the desk.

The feminine way to solve issues is to be non-confrontational and diplomatic. Kindness and sweetness de-escalates problems and makes peace. In her book, "The Surrendered Wife", Laura Doyle points out that constant criticism for irrelevant issues drives away romance and initimacy in a relatioinship. We can do the laundry ourselves and pick up the dirty socks from the floor without complaining about it, for our SO's who remembers to bring us flowers after their 10/12 hour work day. A positive, calm and loving attitude will make our men want to please us even more, while complaining and demanding will make them bitter and leave us unsatisfied.

But ...

I see a lot of women here asking for advice who seem straight-up afraid of tellig their men they have made a mistake! I see women hiding how upset their are, shielding their SOs from their emotions, dancing around the subject and raking their brains to find a way to speak their mind. We talk to our friends or to internet strangers, trying to find the best possible wording so that we do not seem critical, mean, emotional, ungrateful, etc. Stop.

Men are not these brittle creatures who crack when faced with simple and honest criticism. Men do not spend an entire day going back over their words when they receive a snarky comment. That's us, women. Men don't get offended and they don't pout. They're not like ourselves, our mothers or our girlfriends., their frame of mind is not like our frame of mind. They have a special type of honor and dignity that makes them want to be responsable and own up their mistakes. They hate being told what to do, but them apologising now and then to their wife or girlfriend does not chip away at their self worth.

Men love and want agreeable women, but that doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything all the time. They can handle being told when they are disrespectful or hurtful. Men want and love emotionally stable women, but they accept if we cry once a year and they expect us to be more emotional than them. You don't have to shield them from the negative feelings they gave you like you do with children. You don't have to carefully craft your words because they will interpret them like your female colleagues do. They won't cry in their room after a confrontation, listening to sad music.

By no means do I endorse bossing your man around, forcing him to apologise or lashing out at him. Be simple and honest, but speak your mind, say what your issue is and hold your head up straight. Your man won't fall off the shelf and shatter.

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Post Information
Title Men are not made of porcelain
Author MirriMazDuur
Upvotes 196
Comments 36
Date May 8, 2021 8:05 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–]tvapoangnoll 55 points56 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you! I've been struggling a bit with this, started to feel like men have these fragile egos you have to tiptoe around. Helps a lot to realize they generally do react differently than women. And if they can't handle a little criticism or female emotion, that might not be a womens problem to solve but his.

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup. We tend to treat people like we want ourselves to be treated, which leads to misundrestandings between the sexes.

[–]kneesofthetrees 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Excellent post.

When we started dating, the topic of grudges came up in conversation, and I remember my boyfriend telling me that he’s never been one to hold a grudge. I, on the other hand, make an effort to let go, and I often can, but it’s harder for me. As you write, I absolutely do reflect over all the ways he might misinterpret what I say, or what he might have secretly meant, and I wear myself out doing that.

In him, on the other hand, I see clear as day when I watch his reactions that he really doesn’t hold on to things the way I do. He doesn’t stay upset, and he doesn’t mull over the covert meaning of something that someone said, even in regards to ongoing points of tension with extended family, for example. He is naturally forgiving because he simply moves on from things after they happen. I admire this characteristic greatly.

[–]Phantom_Spark 19 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Add to this the fact that if you have a complaint about your man... approach it with constructive criticism... Don’t complain.

What does this mean? If there’s an issue, you should come with approaches and solutions. The issue many men have is when women just complain... or the fact that women can complain about an issue and just want to vent their emotions rather than seek solutions.

Men are solution oriented. If you come to us with a problem... use constructive criticism...

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've noticed this with my boss. When I tell him of a problem he just asks for a solution. Turns out that he says "yes" for whatever I propose, I guess he likes that I save him a headache

[–]Phantom_Spark 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s not even about that. If you’ve been dealing with it... you likely have a solution or input. We’re more than happy to take that feedback. No reason for you not to pap pose a solution unless your interactions are such that he’s not interested.

Again... we’re solution oriented. Let’s get it done!

[–]HappilyMrs 18 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I would say this is an area where you need to know your actual spouse. It's good general advice, but YMMV. For me, I know that criticism does need to be delivered in a gentle way

[–]lavenderhoneywoods 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It also depends what it’s about. Everyone has touchy areas that require extra sensitivity, so you also have to know your partner. My husband and I are both ADHD so we don’t take offense at all when we point out something we did that’s forgetful. But we give each other a lot of grace in those areas too.

[–]HappilyMrs 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep :)

[–]loungegirl 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

More posts like this please!! This was helpful

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!

[–]blackandlavender 33 points34 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is fit for women who laze around in their couches all day while their men are out grilling themselves. But for women who have a career and work just as hard as their men, no. Though I definitely don't support being a bitch about everything.

I personally do most of the housework along with a full time job, but not because I think it's my obligation as a wife. It's because I know my man hates doing this stuff and I love him enough to just let him do what he want. However the minute he starts to act entitled and like I'm obligated to do these things, I'm also quick to put him in his place by reminding him that I'm doing him a favor by doing his share of things, and it's not my duty. He's not a terrible person or anything - he always acknowledges that I do a lot for him and he's lucky - but we all tend to start taking things for granted at some point and need to be reminded of our privileges.

If your man always leaves his dirty plate on the table, tell him that you understand that he's tired and so, you don't mind doing what he's supposed to. Don't be a bitch, but also don't be a doormat.

But this is for marriages where the women contribute economically. If you've chosen the home-maker life and left all financial stress to your husband, all house work is essentially your responsibility. I do roll my eyes when women stay home all day (and they've made that choice) also expect their husbands to contribute in the house work.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I see many women here almost infantilizing their partners as if they were spoiled children and it bugs me a lot.

[–]SunshineSundress2 Star 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great post. My man and I always feel more connected and in love than ever after a necessary heart-to-heart. If I hid my true feelings from him in an attempt to become some blindly agreeable Stepford Wife, I’d be depriving us of these powerful moments in our relationship.

That doesn’t mean I get free rein to act like a bitch or an asshole. It means that if something he did hurt me, I tell him why it hurt me and how it makes me feel. I bring him my problem, and not my solution. The right man will do what it takes to solve these problems with both of us in mind.

[–]Aidenkell 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't know who you are, where you are but please spread what you are preaching here, mam you have my respect.

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hahah thank you!!!

[–]blushingoleander 12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I disagree that this post belongs on RPW. Not because direct communication is inappropriate and not because men are going to break if you say the wrong thing.

But one of the bigger lessons in the For Women Only posts is that lots of men have imposter syndrome and fear being inadequate. A woman who is constantly telling her guy that he's not doing x, y, z or is doing it wrong will chip away at him.

I'm watching this with friends right now. They are going to end up divorced soon. It's been years where she had told him he can't do anything. And you know, at this point he does look totally incompetent from the outside. But 5 years ago a little more care with her words would have put them in a different position.

It's ok for women to come here and ask how to phrase things. A lot of times the right words (with anyone) make the difference between an easy resolution and a protracted battle. Sometimes someone comes looking for the right words and gets a new perspective. That's worth a lot imo.

It's true that you can't RPW your way out of all problems but I don't get this rant.

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 19 points20 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I wrote this post after browsing "new" for a while and seeing women asking for help in very clear cut situations. I think I made it very clear that constant criticism is bad and unproductive, if not, then I need to polish my writing skills. I didn't want to sound like I'm ranting, I just feel like we are falling into the other extreme. If this post does not belong here, the mods can take it down anyway

[–]blushingoleander 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

And rant may have been the wrong word to use so I apologize for that. It was well written and I think I get to your point. To my mind, everyone comes from different places. What looks overly cautious to some might be a correction for long time "bad" behavior. And there are people that take things to an excess no doubt. I just worry that women will take these ideas as an excuse to continue overly critical behavior. Not that you encourage that, but you can see the tilt towards 'anti man' in some of the comments already. We look for the right words to talk to other people in our lives. Books are written for how to communicate with children. Posts asking how to talk to an employer or what to say at interviews... It's just that as soon as we have to communicate with our partner with care or his feelings, so many jump to "he's a big boy he can handle what I say"

Now I'm on a rambling rant so I'll end it here.

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get you, this is why I didn't post on other dating or womens' subs, because EVERYTHING there is about how horrible men are, how abusive everything is, etc. It's just that some women here completely disregard themselves. The shrews knows how forgiving and thick skinned men are without me telling them hahah

[–]tvapoangnoll 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For some of us, it's a good thing to realize that he's a big boy. I was finding myself thinking I could not say anything remotely critical without hurting his feelings. I think it's about the ratio, the positive interactions need to weigh out the negative by far. And a lot of women need to learn how to stay much more on the positive side and think about how (and when) to say the things they are not happy about. But it's also important to not take all responsability for the other persons feelings if you already try to communicate with care for his feelings. It's great this sub gives advice on how to interact with your husband, that includes the advice to not start seeing your man as porcelein. That's not really an attractive view of manhood anyway.

[–]Buckley92 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ok... except what about women who work with demanding bosses and deal with hYsterical clients too? Why should we have to come home to a lazy, unappreciative husband when we are just as tired?

Why should I be expected to pick up after him when he KNOWS EXACTLY what he is doing and is perfectly capable of picking up after himself?

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

People in this sub will all say that it's a bad idea for the wife to work a demanding job in the first place. Then, I am not saying to do all the chores for your so if you are both working the same hours; I am saying we should forgive our men's little flaws because we also have litte flaws, because their qualities compensate for them and because harmony in the relationship is better than fixing something that mildly inconveniences us for 10 minutes

[–]Tyrannical_Turret 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

very based ma'am, I do approve of this messaging. We aren't fragile, we just don't want 24/7 nagging about menial things, we get enough of that at work. When both parties are in sync a relationship is a beautiful thing. For men, in the words of Kevin Samuels, if you keep his belly full, his balls empty, and his house at peace then you will never find a more loyal, loving, and willing to please man, who genuinely wants to do everything to make you as happy as possible. We can absolutely take some correction here and there because chances are we want to make you feel happy and loved and we will gladly do almost anything needed to accomplish that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Damn, this is a great, well balanced, thoughtful post. I love it!

[–]RP_Bear9 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Excellent comments!

[–]Lord-Headazz 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well said, don’t nag, it’s annoying and we hear it all day. Constructive criticism if given right is the best thing for a dude. Straight to the point, problem then solution and you’ll get what you want done. If his needs are met then most men will fight a dragon for you.

[–]mostafa1022 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

brilliant post

[–]MattNagyisBAD 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Porcelain is very hard and does not easily fracture.

It isn't a brittle material. Glass would be more appropriate. Or you could say men "are" made of porcelain.

[–]MirriMazDuur[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Then I guess my porcelain at home is some sort of fake lmao, I remember handling our statuettes with care so they don't fall

[–]MattNagyisBAD 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not necessarily. It's just a common misconception that porcelain (and ceramics in general) are fragile.

That being said, shape and geometry have as much to do with fragility as material does. I can cut steel with scissors if it is drawn thin enough.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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