Hey guys. 24F here. I ask that you kindly not judge me or give me shit for what I’ve done. I need advice. My SO of 4 years (28M) and I had a tough week, which ended up with us impulsively calling it quits, after I had tried ceaselessly to figure out a solution for the both of us. (We’re back together now but that’s not the point). I really believed it was the end and my brain, carrying on the impulse, decided the best thing to do was tried to get with someone the very night we broke up. Mind you, my SO was the first and only person I’ve ever been with. I don’t think I was trying to avenge myself or take my anger out on him, as much as I was so worried that I wouldn’t recover from the breakup, or that I would focus on the fact that no one compares, so I thought if I initiated this for myself then it would help me kickstart moving on. So I texted an old internship boss (mid 30s M) and almost directly asked him to be my FWB until further notice, I said that I would meet with him in 2 weeks time (so I can be more sure of whether or not I was ready to do this). He instead completely went for it and started aggressively sexting me, and mind you, the exchange was brief by that point. I was completely turned off by how eager and thirsty he was, and my gut was screaming not to participate by that point, but ofc, I ignored my gut and continued. He got on the phone with me and we had phone sex, which I didn’t enjoy either cause both the sexting and the phone sex was reminding me of how much better my SO is at it, how smooth he was, etc. Anywho the guy came and I was so grossed out with myself, but decided maybe it’ll be different in real life so I decided to try to meet with him sooner, since I managed to take it this far already, I wanted to see his vibe in real life to judge if this was for me (I had my period and I was definitely using that to my advantage so as not to actually sleep with him). We spoke and he was starting to be a bit iffy because I was going back on forth on whether or not I felt like this approach was for me. He even started getting impatient and called me a yo yo, which I honestly had been yo-yo-ing because I wasn’t fully comfortable, because apparently I was forcing myself to make this thing work, even though my gut wasn't keen in the least bit. So when I kept reiterating my lack of comfort, he tried to persuade me to which I kept saying no and I asked him to maintain my privacy, which knowing him, won't happen, but idc. A day later, my SO comes back and we have a long, communicative talk about everything we disagreed on leading up to impulsively calling it quits. So yes, I did not cheat. I really thought it was over, because I take breakups seriously, and I knew I would hope for it to get fixed, and that would've kept me waiting. I was previously made to wait for someone, who never came back, and that experience perhaps had a bit to do with my impulsive decision to kickstart moving on in probably the worst, most self-destructive way. I don't want to tell my SO and I feel guilty, but I'm trying to justify it.