Approximately 2 years I found reddit and the dead bedrooms sub. I’d been with my Husband for 20 years, married for 14 of those. For about the last 7 years we’d barely had sex. I had nothing for him. No drive at all. I used to provide duty sex when pushed initially and for the last two years had agreed to give myself to my Husband weekly whether I was in the mood or not. He was entitled to sex with his wife, it upset him I didn’t want it and he insisted that I should initiate once a week. So I did. Sometimes I’d go to the bathroom afterwards and cry.

I didn’t understand it, thought there was something wrong with me and my libido. I liked my Husband, in fact I thought I loved him. I certainly cared for him. He had a great body and wasn’t entirely unattractive. He was kind and loving and supportive of me. He was funny too and a fabulous Father to our two children. What was wrong with me?

Dead bedrooms led me to the married red pill sub. A mans world for sure, but there I found the answers to the questions about why I didn’t want him in that way and what was wrong with me. Everything made sense immediately.

What was 'wrong' with me was hypergamy. My female programming. My psychology was screaming at me that it didn’t matter how nice and loving and kind and funny my Husband was. He couldn’t keep a job, emotionally handle the stresses of life, lead the family, support himself or us financially and was lazy and unmotivated around the house and with his goals in life. He had become my teenage child and I’d lost attraction and a great deal of respect for him. I began to refeminise myself in an effort to encourage more masculine behaviours from him. Loved the way it began to change the way the world responded to me. Rediscovered parts of myself I’d buried a long time ago. Read fascinating womanhood and the Laura Doyle books. Tried to get him to read mrp sidebar literature but he wouldn’t take an interest. I also discovered I did have a sex drive. Just not for him.

Where that led me next ultimately led to the end of my marriage. I never physically so much as kissed another guy but I began to explore my sexuality online. This gave me some sexual fire to take home to my Husband and we began to enjoy the best sex we’d ever had. Ultimately he found out about my online activity and one particular relationship he saw as an emotional affair. Two days later he announced he was divorcing me.

Initially I was shocked and sick to my stomach. I hadn’t wanted my marriage to end, didn’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home and I was just trying to rekindle desire and feel like a woman again. Just in a way that was a huge betrayal of my Husband.

I moved out a few months later. As soon as I did, I noticed life was so much easier and I didn’t actually miss my Husband. Life was stress free without him. I realized I had in fact already long checked out of the marriage. I’d withdrawn so much over the years due to feeling unsupported, unheard, frustrated and disappointed that I no longer needed or wanted his presence. I felt relieved and liberated and began to throw myself into enjoying my freedom. (I’ll just add in here that Husband and I were amicably getting along; co-parenting and sharing custody very nicely. The only frustration I had was that I was still paying his household expenses as well as my own, while he worked part time low value work. I still am now but we have a court order underway to stop this from January.

Shortly after I began to enjoy my freedom, the UK was locked down. I focused on my personal map and my goals, which were inspired by what I’d seen on M.R.P. I didn’t want another relationship, I felt very strongly about that, but I did want to explore my neglected sexuality and found a great guy to do that with. After a few months his work took him away for a long period and I realized I was lonely. I did want a relationship. Not with this guy though, so I let him go. And approached online dating, just as the world was starting to open up again. I’d a section on my MAP where I’d defined over time the qualities I valued in a man and identified clearly what my own needs and wants were. I vetted like a bitch. Had some mediocre first dates and a couple of shit ones. Then I found my my guy.

Literally, MY guy. He had everything on my list. All of it. Our first date was amazing. Three hours never went so quickly and half way through we were disabling our dating profiles together. He just picked up his phone, opened the app we’d met on and said right, I don’t need this any more. Do you? I took his lead and did the same.

A week later I had his house keys, his credit card and was driving round in his car. That’s how quickly we moved. He walked out of his last 9 year relationship because his ex became an aggressive and mean drunk and at one point, jealous he’d been speaking to another lady on a night out, pushed him down the stairs. He’s been as thrilled to find me as I have him.

A hard working man who has done well for himself. A kind, loving and very generous man. A fit, strong sexy man that drives me wild. A dominant, masculine man that takes the lead. A man with goals and dreams and a plan for us that I want in on. A man that inspires me and pushes me to be my best self. A man that hears out my problems and woes and just makes them go away. Takes his own challenges on the chin. Problem solver extraordinaire! He spent 10 years as a Marine, nothing phases him, he takes all of life in his stride. Stoic as they come. Finally a man that can match up my Dad in the being my hero and safe place stakes. A man who is fun and sociable and makes me smile. A man with his shit properly together. No he’s not perfect, he’s a grumpy fucker at times who had grown used to a nagging harpy ranting woman who used all his resources. I said the other night that his expenses must have gone up since he met me as he refused to let me spend any of my own money and keeps treating me. He laughed and said I was cheap and was saving him money on his old life. Cheap and cheerful he said. Yup, that’s me.

When my marriage ended I swore blind I didn’t ever want to live with another guy, let alone marry or have any more kids. He’s changed all that. He’s a grown up son he didn’t know about until the boy was seven. He’s two young adult step children from his ex girlfriends first marriage, he met when they were primary school age. He 's told me it makes him sad he never changed a nappy or gave a baby a bottle or experienced pregnancy or child birth. He asked if I’d consider trying for a baby with him in time. I had always laughed off the idea of more kids (My children often tell me they’d love a new brother or sister) but found myself agreeing without skipping a beat. I’ve surprised myself since with how excited the idea makes me. And how much I’d love to give him what he’s missed out on. Like he is doing for me. He's asked me if I'd say yes if he proposed to me and he's told me that's where he sees this going as soon as my divorce is final. I told him that I will if he gets the blessing of my children. He gets to meet them in the new year (I've kept them out of things until now so we could just get to know each other properly)

So there you go. Real life red pill journey from an ex Strong Independent Woman who found out being a SIW is not all that!! I’m so grateful for all the change in my life. I have a completely new life and an exciting future in the place of a dull, depressing grind. I have MRP to thank really but I’m banned from the page so I’m sharing here with you ladies.