~ archived since 2018 ~


July 17, 2019

I miscarried my third baby last Monday. It was one of the most horrific, gruesome, gory, just absolutely awful experiences of my life. I woke up the morning it happened with a feeling of dread in my stomach. I felt panicked and like I couldn’t deal with anything. Felt like a such a loser wimp but went ahead and called my mom and asked her to get the kids and keep them for a few days. I’m so glad I did. It would have been awful if my kids had been home.

I’m shocked by how horrible it was. I don’t mean any disrespect to people who have seen violent crime, but I do feel like I had to watch someone get beheaded. It seemed like more than watching a beheading. I had to watch and be part of it and then deal with the broken pieces of the dismembered person. It was just... horrible. My kids would have been scared out of their minds, because I was screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. The blood and gore, plus the knowledge that I was looking at pieces of my child was just too much to handle quietly.

My mind is blown that this is a “common medical issue.” I know so many women who have lost two, three, even seven children, and some of them were technically stillborns, and not miscarriages. It’s such a grim thing. My husband had been very supportive, but he did make one comment late one night that I should stop talking about it and move on. I don’t know if he really gets it. The thought’s been sticking in my throat. I’m scared of the thought of ever having sex again, since my lady parts seem like a death tomb and it’s hard to imagine them being a source if intimacy or pleasure, or even of new life.

Is this a first world problem? I’m so sad. I feel like a hungry thief snatching at all the signs that the pregnancy exisited. I wanted my baby. I’m so sad that the relationship with this baby is over so soon. I don’t blame myself - I really believe that my body acted as an impartial Mother Nature and rejected the baby because it had a bad abnormality. I’m still so sad though. Am I unreasonable for feeling so deeply lonely? All my food adversions have just disappeared. No pregnancy nausea or tiredness or anything. Some water weight is still floating around. I’m still bleeding from the miscarriage. I’m happy to have my two sons, but I miss the other baby that didn’t make it. I feel even more strongly that life is worth all the grim and blood and death.

But I am just so so sad about my little baby. I wanted him.

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Post Information
Title Miscarriage
Author mrssmithhh
Upvotes 148
Comments 46
Date July 17, 2019 10:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
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[–]dangernoodle8841 points42 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This breaks my heart. Thank you for sharing your experience on a topic that is not discussed enough for how commonly it happens to people.

[–]alexthegeologist13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed. The more women who share their stories, the more we can all heal if it affects us or a lover in.

[–][deleted] 73 points74 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’ve experienced a real trauma. It’s fresh and raw. Everything you are feeling is normal and OK. You can’t just “move on.” That baby was real, was part of you, and there was already an emotional bond. It will take time to process and to grief. Take as long as you need.

[–]coffee_lover_77722 points23 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru.

As someone who has had several miscarriages and wanted children with every cell in my body, I can say I understand on my level to what you are going through.

There are no words in the English language that I can give you to convey how badly I feel for you or to describe what you are going through.

Know that there are people out here who know how absolutely devastating this is and how this is not a small thing.

There will always be a part of you who thinks of this every single day of your life and I give you all the hugs and support I have and validate the absolute horrible-ness of this.

I am so sorry for your loss. :(

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

How do you cope with it? I’m torn between extremes of torrential emotions of just ungodly sadness, and then feeling stone cold and business-like about it. I also have this really heavy feeling that I’m being selfish by making such a big deal about how I feel about it, and that I’m being unreasonable.

[–]coffee_lover_77716 points17 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry. You need time to grieve. YOU ARE NOT MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS. I'm telling you this. You need to grieve your loss. Just because "nothing" has changed outwardly to anyone else's life does not mean there is not a loss. You lost a child. Please also consider this: you have physical changes in your body right now due to hormones. This ADDS to the horrible emotional loss you have experienced. Please give your grief what it needs to get through this. I know you still have to function, etc etc etc. But give yourself some extra moments where you give yourself time to just wallow in your sorrow. I know you said that this just happened. If you are still under your doctor's care, please communicate this to them and ask for help. I'm here if you want to talk. I have long given up on having children and time helps. It doesn't change things, but it helps. I won't give you platitudes about "just be grateful for what you have." because I know right now, that means nothing. You have suffered a loss. A devastating loss. And I know that people like me, and a lot of other people out there know this same pain and know that you need to go through your own process. Again. I am so sorry for your loss and I'm keeping you in my prayers. I'm here if you need me. You are not selfish. Never think that. You are not unreasonable. Never think that. Honestly I coped with this by showering all the other children in my life with my love, time and resources. I try to listen to other parents when they tell me about their joys and trials and tribulations with their children. I go through people thinking I am selfish because they assume I didn't want children. Which hurts but I owe them no explanation. A recent conversation with a friend of m my husband's was "you guys are so awesome, why didn't you have kids?" And I said, "We wanted kids. It's not like we didn't try. But in the mean time, we'll do anything we can for the kids in our lives." thats how I cope. I do what I can for all the amazing children in our lives.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Oh my goodness. You sound like such a beautiful woman.

I’m actually quite struck by how much more good and valuable life seems to me after this. And it’s odd - my body expelled my baby, and yet I don’t resent my body. I feel oddly defensive of it. Like... I personally would have done anything to keep the baby, but my body was operating on a very ancient wisdom and was doing its best to protect me and to protect the species. Is that a weird way of looking at it?

I’m so sorry about your struggles. We can all grow through our struggles, but sometimes, I just wish we could not go through that pain and just be happy in the way we dreamed.

[–]alexthegeologist8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are completely right about your body knowing what's best. The baby that you miscarried, though incredibly wanted, was not the baby meant for you - most likely due to incompatibilities with life. You will be blessed with the baby that is intended for you (spiritual and physically). Hopefully this is just a terrible bump in the road toward adding another member to your family.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. Your kind words are so sweet.

[–]coffee_lover_7771 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh sweetheart! I cannot say I feel what you feel. I can only say that in my lifetime I have felt similar things. When I was young and could not afford children and thought I was pregnant I would PRAY not to be pregnant. Then when I wanted children and had miscarriages or could not get pregnant I would be super sensitive to life overall. I KNOW you would have done anything to keep your precious, precious baby. I'm a stranger and I know this.
I have also heard that "if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be." which offers no solace but is not a weird way to look at this. I'm so sorry for the pain and grief you are going through. Again, there are no actual words I can offer to make sense of this for you. Know you are in my prayers daily as well as your baby. Please take care. Know that your grief is something you need to give value to. Hugs, my friend.

[–]snackysnackeeesnacki14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My first baby was stillborn last year, I’m now expecting my second in September. This loss is very real and what you are feeling is very real and valid. It’s also very common for the people around the mother (including the father) to not have the same feelings and to have difficulty truly empathizing. It’s such an intensely personal experience to go through. Your husband feels helpless because he couldn’t do anything to prevent this and he can’t do anything to take away your pain now.

Since you’re on reddit, I strongly recommend r/babyloss and r/ttcafterloss. And feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I truly cannot imagine the pain of a stillborn. Oh my, what a blow, so so sad. I sincerely hope all goes well with your second child. It is such a lovely thing when all goes well. I hope you get to enjoy a thriving child in your arms.

I also wondered if my husband felt the way you described. He has been very attentive to me, showering me with concern and care and doing anything I hint at, but that comment was seemed so... so cold. I don’t even think he had any mean or cruel intentions. It seemed innocent. Just totally unempathetic.

[–]renegade7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Strongly advise you and your husband seek some counseling. There are couples who specialize in this and other places you can look. It is real trauma, it does benefit from talking it out.

[–]powderedtoastface11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m so sorry you went through something so devastating. I’m not I’m your situation, but if I was I would consider finding a recovery plan. Group therapy, support groups, one on one therapy, and potentially couples therapy. I hope you and your family can heal.

[–]Theendisnearornot5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you. There is no “right “ way to feel at a moment like this. You sound like an incredibly strong woman (even if you don’t feel like you are). I don’t know what you believe, but I hope you don’t mind if I pray for you.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I never mind the prayers of strangers. I think I feel too strong. Everyone assures me that it’s normal to feel so sad, and not selfish or guilty, but I feel largely unable to open up in my non-internet life. I want to. I think it would be a relief.

[–]Theendisnearornot1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can understand feeling that way. Above and beyond the grieving process there are crazy hormones at play. I think everyone processes things differently also. If you really feel like it is too much, perhaps a counselor would help? I wonder if this may be of some help. I’ve not done this myself, but I’ve heard very positive things about it.

[–]alexthegeologist4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My mom miscarried seven times before my youngest sister was born. I was too young at the time to remember, but I do know she found support in other women who were or had been going through similar situations. She also now offers her story and a shoulder to cry on to other women. You may want to talk to those people you know who have miscarried or had stillborns, as they can really emphasize with what you're going through now.

Also, when my sister was born, she felt so special to my mok and like a miracle, and my mom has said she would do it all over again if she had to, despite how much pain she went through. It is going to be tough, and you might want to get something in your life that will serve as a reminder to your loss (like a little glass sculpture thing, or something else), so you can always honor the life you lost.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just adding another chorus to the 'no, it's not unreasonable to be sad' sea of voices. I'm so sorry that this has happened. I hope, with time, you will heal and your grief will become manageable.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not a first world problem It’s a personal tragedy. Heart breaking. Devastating. It’s different for men I guess. The baby’s not real to them til it’s born. And they don’t have to watch pieces of their baby fall out of them. Sending love xxx

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you! That has really been striking to me - how differently my husband and I are dealing with it. I haven’t detected a trace of meanness in him, but he has told me to stop stalking about it and just move on, and once he even interrupted me crying to do something on a video game. Then he asked me if I needed therapy, and he was sincere, not sarcastic. The amount of him just not understanding how I feel is really profound. I think in his head it’s really just over and done, and he doesn’t understand why I’m still upset and still being emotive about it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’ve got all those crazy hormones coursing round you too. Might be a good idea to talk about it with a female friend instead and have a good wail where he can’t see it. Cars are great for that.. Do try and distract yourself with something positive too though. In between the waves of grief xxx

[–]AnarchoNAP15 points16 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m sorry. No, grieving your child’s death is not a first world problem.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s just that women in the past would lose multiple children, and live children would die. Like they would birth 14 children and have only 8 survive, and who knows how many miscarriages would happen in between births. I wonder if they just had to make themselves hard, because I don’t want to try for more children after this, and yet they did, they kept going.

[–]AnarchoNAP1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

1) “Trying” in the past meant something very different. They didn’t have any non-abstinence ways to prevent pregnancy.

2) If you look at how children were treated it does seem that everyone desensitized themselves.

[–]missiesmithy4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I miscarried my third pregnancy, last summer (I have also two kids). I too was a little overwhelmed by the gross factor of it. Every day it went on felt like death was coming out of me instead of the life that should have. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Take time for you, grieve, but know that it will pass and you'll feel like yourself again.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Seriously. I have have two children and been hunting and am not usually easily grossed out. This was just a whole different level. No one ever mentioned, ever breathed about how utterly violent and macabre a miscarriage is. Death indeed.

I just wish I could let the baby know that I loved him so. I thought about burying him, but the gruesome truth is there were so many pieces and so much blood that it just wasn’t possible. Such an unfitting end to a little baby who I wanted so badly.

[–]jitterybrat4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I read some of your replies in this thread and I just wanted to say PLEASE don’t think you’re being overdramatic, selfish or anything like that. What you described sounds like a nightmare. You have every right to grieve. You have every right to be broken right now. Let yourself heal. take care of yourself. I hoped you feel better soon ❤️

[–]Hannelore0101 Star4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I know couples who have named their miscarried (such a weird word...) babies (and if possible had a funeral and burial)

I have had three miscarriages, but only one like you’ve described, and if it happens again I’ll definitely bury whatever comes out, even if it’s not an intact body. A woman I know was comforted by her dad that her baby had sort of a burial at sea, a burial by water; I told that to my sister-in-law who was so upset everything flushed down the toilet.

We have not named our miscarried babies, but I did “retire” an intended name for one.

My husband was sad, but not in the same way, and I don’t really hold it against him. Our immediate families all know, but I don’t talk a lot with others unless I hear they have had a miscarriage or stillborn. But all of our children know, even the 4 year old.

I know some people get little charm bracelets or Christmas ornaments or other symbolic material thing (rose bush?) to represent their children who have died, whether before or after birth. Others have framed ultrasound pictures. This isn’t my style—I more remember at certain seasons of the year—but it helps some mothers

Think about what you would like to do on the baby’s due date, too (be alone or with family, special outing or stay at home/take off work, etc)

I had a few people bring me over a meal or flowers immediately when they found out, which is something I do now for others

You’re right that life is worth it for all the suffering!! God keep you, and please maybe see a counselor or clergy to work through your grief

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m not sure what other miscarriages are like. I only know how mine was.

Thank you so much for everything your wrote. Lots of things to consider.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Miscarriage is hard. Some women have many, some none. My wife and I are trying, and she's lost three so far. It... doesn't get easier.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m so sorry for all your loss.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m so sorry for all your losses. I hope you get the baby you’re hoping for!

[–]organicsunshine2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I had one ay 11 weeks and it broke my heart so much I stopped trying for children. I feel you and I am so sorry.

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I understand. I already have two and always wanted five. Now I feel that I don’t want anymore.

Sorry for your loss as well.

[–]missylizzy2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I had an ectopic pregnancy in April and it is absolutely devastating.

I do not have much to say, but I feel you...

[–]mrssmithhh[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh my. I’m so so sorry.

[–]missylizzy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It has been tough! Thanks for your reply though!

[–]milkcatdog2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not sure about the afterlife, but I'm sure your baby is resting in a good place. Your baby's love is still with you, and will always be with you. I think you should join a group for mothers who have lost children. It will do you good to talk. Please take care.

[–]thatbadlarry1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I want to hug you so hard right now. I’m so sorry for your loss and trauma. Your feelings are valid and you’re not being selfish. I wish you peace in the coming days and months.

[–]Cemoi1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. No, it's not a first world problem. It's a real pain and a tragic situation that many women suffer silently. None of your feelings are unreasonable. Take the time you need to mourn and grieve, and don't be hard on yourself.

[–]InfoWarriorsNH0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Im so sorry.

[–]ripand-tear0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]Nessunolosa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

In some cultures it is traditional to mourn a lost child (miscarriage or stillborn) with a statue or a birthday ritual. Look into these and take care of yourself.

[–]slynn20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry. Again as every wise person here has said you're not overreacting, you have a reason to be sad. Take care of yourself and grieve. This too shall pass

[–]PinkyGiraffe0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is heartbreaking! I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family and your baby.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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