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My BF wants me to move in with him - HELP?

June 24, 2018
25 upvotes

Hi, I really need some advice from RPW, thanks in advance!

Relationship 8 months, man is 27, I'm 25). I moved back to my home town 9 months ago and moved in with parents to get it together, and I'm finally thinking of renting my own place. This topic came up, and BF was like "so you don't want to move in with me?" Apparently he has been hinting that, but I didn't pick up on it. (But he's super direct with everything else!)

The problem is:

  • 3 other ppl besides him live in that house, and I always imagined just the 2 of us living together? That's a normal expectation, right?

  • I kind of imagined being engaged before living together...

  • People on this forum usually but not always say you should be engaged

  • But, if I say no to living together, what if he then thinks I'm not serious, or ready to be serious (I'm ready!)

  • We never talked about getting married in the future, or future of having no roommates. We just sometimes insinuate that we're going to love each other forever, etc.

  • I feel like it's tricky in current society where the norm is just to live together and see how it goes, then get engaged. Also is 8 months seem to early, by today's standards, to discuss the future? I'm afraid of it not seeming natural... or just not going well.

What's the best way of navigating this conversation? Thanks.

EDIT: Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read and respond! I think the overall consensus is that roommates are a no-go, and I was probably already feeling that in my gut. It doesn't look great on paper, AND practically, I don't exactly like the idea of living with 4 other people. Ranking from most ideal to least, it'd be just the 2 of us, me renting an apartment with zero roommates, me moving in, me staying with parents. I think I'll just say that I'd love to live with him, but would rather it'd be just the 2 of us. I think his actions thereafter will say a lot about his attitude towards me and this relationship. If he finds a way for it to be just us, it'll say a lot because in his situation, it's a bit more complicated then roommates, he has a lot tied into that place (that I won't get into now, but I mean financially not emotionally). Depending on his reaction and actions, I can then decide how to go about the conversation.

Thanks ladies! It doesn't sound like it from how I write, but my mind's usually all over the place, and I'm very emotional, about him. I really needed the different perspectives.

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Post Information
Title My BF wants me to move in with him - HELP?
Author LeilaintheDark
Upvotes 25
Comments 15
Date June 24, 2018 12:22 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-bf-wants-me-to-move-in-with-him-help.67414
https://theredarchive.com/post/67414
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8te4rt/my_bf_wants_me_to_move_in_with_him_help/
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Comments

[–]stacysmom4028 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think 8 months is too soon for your situation.

I’m not 100% on feeling that you need to be engaged first, but I wouldn’t move in with a man who has roommates. It’s just an extra layer of complications that no couple needs as they are navigating cohabitation.

Talk to him. If you aren’t able to openly and honestly convey your desires and expectations, he can’t read your mind and meet them.

At 8 months (and considering your ages) you are still vetting. Take it seriously. Can this man provide? Is he living with roommates because that’s all he can afford? Is there something else going on? (I’ve dated guys who were kind of stuck in frat boy life - living with buddies and partying all the time. You don’t want to be the chick that moves into that. Those guys aren’t ready to grow up yet. The mates could resent your presence.)

Talk to him. Try to be objective.

Good luck.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for your feedback! This is why I ask because it's hard to be objective haha.

I guess I know about most of his financial situation. It's not the best because he has a low-paying job. He's responsible, and fairly good with money. He has been actively looking for a better job, and I trust that he can pull it off. Is that objective? Maybe not. His personality (and actions) are of the provider type.

One of the roommates is his sister which I think further complicates things. He's not friends with the other 2 male roommates though, and it's not a frat boy thing. Though I can still see resentment as an issue, which has certainly crossed my mind! It doesn't sound like anyone's moving out, so 1 extra person makes a huge difference.

I do want to live with him eventually and be his wife! The current circumstances seem not ideal though, and I was wondering if that's me being nitpicky or if they're "normal" concerns so thanks for your perspective!

[–]Abara42 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You should either tell him that you do want to live together but make your position clear to him.

Either that you want to live together but without roommates and looking for a place together could bring you close and prepare you to build your future together.

You have to make sure that he wants to spend the rest of your life with you. You want to marry him but does he want to marry you ?

That can be solved indirectly by saying that you don't want to live with him/someone without being engaged. That is a risk that could put pressure on him and feel like an ultimatum. Or with a discussion about what you both see for your future together and discussing marriage.

[–]subgirl1824 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I can't really advise you on this, I can only talk about my story.

I started dating and he practically moved in with me on the same week. I lived in a houseshare so he moved in with me and my roommates. We didn't sleep with each other for 4 months as I don't sleep with a guy unless I know I'm in love with him. We lived there for two years before we got our own place together. It all depends on where you're both at in your lives. We were both at the stage of looking for long term serious relationships. We've been married now 11yrs and together 18yrs x

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for sharing your perspective. It sounds like things worked out for the best for you, congrats! It's weird, I feel like just a couple years ago I was more "carefree" like that but now it seems like leaving too many things uncertain.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I mean it depends on what you're ok with. When we moved in together, we both didn't have great jobs and we googled "Cheapest apartments in Austin", we signed a lease on a $625/mo one bedroom apartment. We didn't do a 50/50 split on rent, but rent worked out effectively to $312/person. We lived in the GHETTO for $625/mo. Our car got broken into multiple times, my laundry got stolen out of the community laundrymat, we had roaches. It was nasty. After a year of living in the ghetto, roommates didn't seem like such a bad idea. We moved into a 3 br apartment that was MUCH nicer for $1100/mo and split rent 4 ways between us and two of his buddies. Rent effectively worked out to $275/ea for both of us and we got to live somewhere where I felt MUCH safer when I stepped outside my front door. The tradeoff was having to deal with roommates in exchange for being in a better living situation than we could afford on our own for two years.

When we got married, I was over having roommates, but in 3 years of having cheap rent, we had been able to save money, improve our financial situations and then we could AFFORD to get a decent place on our own at that point. We also knew when we moved in together that we were going to be married one day. We weren't "engaged", I knew he was my future husband. He knew I was future wife. If that had not been explicit, I wouldn't have moved in with him and weathered a year in the ghetto, two years living with his buddies. Now I kinda miss them sometimes. My husband is a super picky eater, his buddies would eat anything I made and tell me it was amazing. It was like having human garbage disposals to eat up all my leftovers. Haha.

[–]mb785672 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I once lived with my boyfriend when he still had roommates and the living situation didn’t last long at all because the roommates weren’t ok with me living there. My presence broke up the whole all-guy culture that was going on there (once you add even one girl into an all-guy group, the whole dynamic gets awkward), and then the roommates felt like they were third-wheeling. He’d always feel guilty on whether he should be spending more time with them or with me, though he usually chose me. His roommates grew to resent him, especially because they never really wanted me there in the first place.

Sometimes when guys are so in love in the beginning of the relationship, they just want to be with you and don’t always think about how other people may feel about it. It took a while to repair the friendships with the roommates after I moved out of that situation in a month.

So although my relationship with this guy is still going on, the living situation didn’t. I don’t think you should live with the boyfriend’s roommates.

Also, before moving in together, maybe you could talk to your boyfriend about your future and expectations, and ask him why he’d like you to move in... I kind of feel that it’s nice to get that stuff out in the open, especially before you move in with someone. Because once you move in, it’s a whole lot harder to move out

[–]ragnarockette4 Stars1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My now husband and I moved in together after 7 months. But I moved into his solo place so we lived alone together.

I don’t think you need to be engaged necessarily, but I wouldn’t want to live with other roommates. Beyond taking the next step in your relationship, moving into a place without roommates is the next step in adulthood. I wouldn’t keep dallying in adolescence with someone you want to have a serious, mature future with.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I see that perspective. Ah I feel queasy now because I knew about RPW when I met him and I pretty much knew what I want, though I evaluated him based on his personality (like being assertive, practical, stuff like that) rather than his exact situation and what he has.

Anyway so do I just go with my original plan of renting a single apartment, and wait for the future? I am serious about him, and don't want this to seem like I'm not interested in a future with him. But yes also I can see how moving in with a bunch of roommates doesn't seem "serious" in the first place.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

>though I evaluated him based on his personality (like being assertive, practical, stuff like that) rather than his exact situation and what he has.

What makes you think that isn't what RPW would suggest?

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh oops, sorry I didn't mean that what I did was against RPW values at all. It was just a response to the previous person correlating having roommates with "dallying in adolescence," and me reflecting on how I knew that wasn't ideal, while not really judging him on that either. And I don't regret it! I'm just reflecting on that.

[–]PMOTM1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You never know someone until you live with them, so why wait to move in UNLESS it means also moving in with others. Get your own place together Xx

[–]billpaw19701 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry in advanced as I don’t know if I’m being helpful or not here, but a lotta people asking advice on how to go about situations with their significant other ask on Reddit. You’ve explained your thought process beautifully here. Have you tried explaining this thought process to him. You have no bad intentions and I feel he’d be incredibly understanding if you explained your thinking to him as you have here. Sorry again if that didn’t come off as helpful in anyway!

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

"Honey, 5 is a crowd. It'd be worse than you moving in with me and my parents."

That'd be my response. That, or does he just want a RWB? (Roommate with Benefits)

Also, no engagement for RPW is often a no-go for moving in. But opinions vary on this one.

[–]seomke0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

See, my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years now. (September! So excited!) We just moved in together this past june, (mostly because of college, and my parents were helping me with the rent my senior year, so he wasn't allowed to move in) however, we've talked about what our goals for us are. Marriage, kids, etc. Personally i dont feel like you have to be engaged, but like others have said, make your stance known. i'm not the biggest fan of trying to live with someone and roommates, unless there was enough room for all parties to spread out evenly, and living together (alone) is nice. I do think 8 months is a bit early, but everyone is different. Moving in is a big step, and one that the both of you need to go over and talk about in depth.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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