My boyfriend (24m) says some concerning things and It’s hurting me (19f)

Kara__El · 2020-01-05T04:46:43+00:00

This is a fundamental difference in values. Move on. Six months is nothing. Don't waste six years on someone who is likely cheating on you, based on what you say here.

GiftOfBlackKnighting · 2020-01-05T05:06:21+00:00

Yeah, get out. This guy uses beta dread on a nuclear level.

cal3beaut · 2020-01-05T05:34:04+00:00

Oh no, please leave him and never look back. He is literally telling you he's going to cheat on you, and you need to be ok with it. Warning warning warning

giza_rohi · 2020-01-05T04:57:45+00:00

[deleted]

kittxxn · 2020-01-05T05:20:20+00:00

That’s so disrespectful. Men who are relationship/marriage material have a protector or caregiving instinct toward women, and such hurtful and purposefully careless words are a HUGE red flags.

ATrueLady · 2020-01-05T08:13:43+00:00

Listen, you are high value dating material right? That’s the mindset you should have.

Any man who would dare treat you with such obvious disrespect is not deserving of you. I am sure you have other males that are interested in you. Ditch him, with elegance and grace, and move on. Give him an explanation but don’t respond to any texts or anything from him ever again. Maybe you doing this will teach him a valuable life lesson about integrity. But maybe not and it doesn’t really matter.

You’re 19. You’ll find a new suitor with ease.

He will probably have no success with these other women, and if he does they will not have the class that you have. Only a woman with low self esteem, low self worth, would consider him a LTR option and my guess is most women who do one night stands wouldn’t consider him one night stand material either.

This is the attitude you need to take on. You have the upper hand here, he does not.

Another piece of advice - next guy make sure he has a n number you find acceptable. Due to the lifestyle I’ve lived and my own n number when I was dating it was under 10 (I got married at 26), and I have rejected men for promiscuity. It shows an impulse control problem, which can often also mean impulse control in finances, temper, and drugs and alcohol.

StepfordInTexas · 2020-01-05T05:26:13+00:00

Red flag. Move on honey. It’ll hurt and that’s okay, but he’s not the one.

AriesAsF · 2020-01-05T07:11:36+00:00

He's telling you he's going to cheat. LISTEN to him, take him seriously. Its very rare woman get advance notice. Usually they only find out after 10 years and 2 kids and a whole lotta stretchmarks. If you are truly not ok with him having other sexual partners behind your back, then you need to find a new longterm mate. Also, your looks will fade. Find someone who can love beyond the physical. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

xoxobenji · 2020-01-05T05:44:39+00:00

Wowwww yeah you need to ditch him. I don’t mind if someone I was dating commented on how pretty a girl is but it’s a different thing when someone says they would want me and other girls.

Violetta311 · 2020-01-05T09:36:51+00:00

You already had a whole bunch of people tell you on another post that this guy is a jerk. Are you going to use the advice you get here or just keep dating this cheating, insulting jerk?

morganKxoxo · 2020-01-05T04:55:19+00:00

You’re only 19. I would move on and find someone who will value and cherish you. Huge red flags that he’s talking about fucking other women and justifying cheating. You should be concerned and hurt, that isn’t something you should tolerate.

streetlampette · 2020-01-05T07:15:28+00:00

Thank you, next

Chet_Manly0987 · 2020-01-05T14:53:40+00:00

you know when people say after a devastating betrayal, " where were the signs?!?! I wish I could have seen this coming-"

THESE ARE THE SIGNS. Hardcore red flags. And I'm not making a value judgment on him as a peson. But if you value marriage and fidelity, This guy is the opposite of those things.

marcus8crassus · 2020-01-05T07:50:12+00:00

Abort.

rinnzz · 2020-01-05T10:42:31+00:00

He's probably hinting at a polyamorous relationship lmao. But hey, at least he's honest; you don't want him to pretend something he's not only to ditch you in a heartbeat for someone else. Leave him and move on.

KathrynHogan · 2020-01-05T13:47:09+00:00

If you love him, respect him enough to take him seriously. He is seriously telling you his values. Those values include believing that monogamy is only a virtue / necessity for women, that he can cheat and it won’t affect your relationship or reflect poorly on his morality, and that him having casual sex with strangers while “committed” to you will have no negative consequences... and is actually justified.

Do you agree? If not, this man is not worthy of you. Period.

Edit to add: I’m sorry that came out harsh. I’m mad at this guy!!! I really feel for you. I’ve been there. I’m sooo glad I didn’t put up with it. When I found out he’d cheated my heart was broken despite all the signs being there that he was untrustworthy. (Yes, he is probably cheating. No, he won’t tell you, because he doesn’t view it as cheating, from what you’ve shared).

Now I’m with an incredible husband who would NEVER cheat. Not because he’s not as visual or sexual as other men, not because he’s some kind of superhero, but because he knows his limits and priorities, values his commitment, and is conscientious never to put himself in a position where his faithfulness will be tested by temptation that’s too great. That’s what you deserve.

RagAndBows · 2020-01-05T06:46:55+00:00

After looking at your post history I say run and never look back. This guy is a total douche.

TakeYourTime109 · 2020-01-05T07:35:54+00:00

It's going to sound harsh, but please don't waste any more of your time and effort on someone who doesn't cherish and commit to you wholeheartedly.

He says men can cheat but can still completely love their wife

A relationship is nothing without trust, and this is already a huge red flag that will affect your trust in him. So get out and move on. You deserve someone who values you, cherishes you, commits to you and chooses you every day. You deserve nothing less than this, don't let him take you (and your love) for granted and walk all over you. I wish you all the very best.

Dancersep38 · 2020-01-05T12:48:49+00:00

When people tell you who they are, believe them the first time. NEXT!

danyixa · 2020-01-05T13:32:38+00:00

Leave him!!! He sounds like an ass.

just_a_mum · 2020-01-05T14:38:42+00:00

This man is putting you down to control you. He is not worthy of you. Leave and move on, you are so young to waste any more time on this guy.

_johnfketamine · 2020-01-05T18:54:41+00:00

It sounds like your gut instinct is already telling you what to do. Dump him. There are better men in this world.

countrylemon · 2020-01-05T19:04:19+00:00

ew,he's one gross guy

i-know-you-have-sock · 2020-01-06T06:48:11+00:00

Honey, run.

z0mb1equeen · 2020-01-06T23:41:41+00:00

Been there (his exact philosophy). Was cheated on. I considered threesomes and such - even AFTER he cheated on me, Yes.. I forgave him.. The truth is it is very unlikely for a man that thinks like that and 24 yrs old (very young in man years) to change his philosophy..

I am still healing from this.. I still find myself battling in my head if not all men think like this. It will damage you mentally.. The worst part is you start to like him more because you feel he's honest and that all good men are liars..

2020-01-06T00:30:24+00:00

Not much to say but Bye Felicia!

LeanLoner · 2020-01-05T18:39:10+00:00

He says men can cheat but can still completely love their wife, but says that this is not the case for women, and that if a woman strays from her man and cheats ,it’s over, she chooses the other man over her current boyfriend and no longer loves him.

I don’t agree with this at all. If a man truly loves his wife, he won’t cheat. Cheating is an ultimate betrayal of trust.

It's not fair but if your question is if he is statistically correct (which is the only meaningful way to be correct in social sciences) then the answer is yes. If he thinks he can say this as an all-encompasing thing that is just true for all people that's not true.

Married women are statistically much more likely to leave the relationship to pursue one with the person they cheated on then men are. There is even a meme in society about how gullible a woman is for thinking "he will leave his wife".

I personally believe it's best to talk this out and not cheat which may be what he is trying to do. But I'm not sure you guys are actually compatible. If anything be happy he is honest. Lying about this would be much smarter. He might actually love you. Or you're amazing and make him feel very safe.

ProgmusicHans · 2020-01-12T23:35:51+00:00

The so called relationship contract is setting expectations and boundaries. A man of value will treat the negotiated relationship contract like any other business contract. You said in a comment "We are in a monogamous , committed relationship" and based on that I will assume you have defined what is constituting cheating: Your SO is basically announcing, that he is willing to break your relationship contract, while he is expecting you to hold your end of the bargain. This is showing a lack of values and a false sense of entitlement. No reasonable person in breach of a contract would expect the other side to honour their side of the contract.

Your SO isn't trustworthy, I myself would NOT engage in any contractual agreements with him.

Whisper · 2020-01-05T17:40:40+00:00

He says men can cheat but can still completely love their wife, but says that this is not the case for women, and that if a woman strays from her man and cheats ,it’s over, she chooses the other man over her current boyfriend and no longer loves him.

I don’t agree with this at all. If a man truly loves his wife, he won’t cheat.

He is correct, and you are incorrect. That's okay, no expects 19 year old you to understand how men work. Just stop deceiving yourself into thinking that you do.

Your problem here is not that he is wrong or has a bad attitude... he's simply telling the truth. Your problem is that he either lacks the social skills to realize that you want to be lied to, or he has such good social skills that he has made you completely head over heels for him, and he knows it, and he knows he can say whatever he wants.

You either want him, or fidelity from some man with a lot less chutzpah. And I won't say "you have to decide", because your choice is already made. You don't have enough self-control or self-determination to sit down and make it based on pros and cons... it's simply a matter of figuring out how you feel.

One of three things will happen here:

You don't love him, and will dump him now, because you were only with him out of feeling obliged to be loyal.
You do love him, and you will stay with him for five years or so, until he either gets tried of your jealousy and dumps you, or you catch him cheating, throw a fit, and dump him.
You love him so much that you decide that his sexual fidelity is less important than your relationship, and you learn to like threesomes.

I have little actionable advice for you. I can't tell you hold to turn the steering wheel because you are not holding it. I can only advise you to study these alternatives, figure out which you have already decided on, then use the foreknowledge of what will happen to help you make your peace with it.

Frankly, my money would be on option #2.

DestanFaria · 2020-01-05T18:12:03+00:00

Okay, he is correct about one thing. Pair bonding (the ability to have a life long/multiple year monogamous relationship) with a woman is not affecyed by a guys 'notch count', but when a woman has many partners it affects her ability to pair bond and stay monogamous, happy and maintain an LTR. The statistics show that the more partners a woman has, the more she is unable to form long term commitments and pair bond, whereas this does not happen with men, all you have to do is think about biology and evolution and it makes sense. Recent meta analyses show this to be true.

The issue is, he has expressed his opinions, he has been honest (which is more than many), so I guess the best thing you can do is talk honestly, rstionally and see if you are on the same page?

If you are then you are, if he can't give you what you want and need then it is time to address the elephant in the room.

At times like this honesty is the best policy.

Hope this helped, Destan :-)

edwardbnd_99 · 2020-01-05T14:55:07+00:00

I thought girls wasn't attracted to beta males. Guess there is a chance for me after all. Sorry for being harsh here, but you are absolutely not wrong for disagreeing with him. It's easy for us to say that you should leave him, but that's because we can't see why you love him.

If I was you I would give him an ultimatum or as r/theredpill loves to call it: "the final trail". Just be open about it and tell him. If you don't dare to you could always discreetly show him this post and the comments (except this comment ofc). If he's concerned with this then maybe there is hope, but if he shows contempt for your post then I doubt he's willing to change

ATrueLady · 2020-01-05T07:34:52+00:00

[removed]

Title	My boyfriend (24m) says some concerning things and It’s hurting me (19f)
Author	cherrykitty87
Upvotes	86
Comments	65
Date	January 5, 2020 4:41 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ek860j/my_boyfriend_24m_says_some_concerning_things_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-boyfriend-24m-says-some-concerning-things-and.306138 https://theredarchive.com/post/306138