~ archived since 2018 ~

My boyfriend asked for my fathers blessing. He said no.

August 19, 2020

My boyfriend (33) and I (30) have been together for 3.5 years and we have a 1 year old with another on the way. Both children were planned and wanted. My boyfriend provides for us while I mostly stay home (I just started working 18 hours a week)

My dad, a narcissist, loves me very much and raised me to be a self-reliant, independent woman. He has NEVER liked my boyfriend and blatantly disrespects him in a sly, roundabout way almost constantly.

My partner reluctantly confessed to me that when he asked my dad for his blessing a few months ago, he was rejected. I am absolutely furious and the both of us have had it with my dad.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not dying for a wedding or anything. I’m perfectly content with my family the way we are now, but my dad keeps shoving a wedge between us and it’s breaking my heart.

FWIW my boyfriend spoke to my mother separately. She absolutely gave her blessing. I have not spoken to either of my parents about this since I found out.

Any advice? Words of wisdom? Similar stories? I have no one to turn to who might understand except this community.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/RedPillWomen.

/r/RedPillWomen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Title My boyfriend asked for my fathers blessing. He said no.
Author UniformFox_trotOscar
Upvotes 114
Comments 71
Date August 19, 2020 4:37 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]perkysue157 points158 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Your boyfriend made a respectful gesture and your father was not respectful in return. Set the wedding date.

My father was never in my life, and my mother was a mean spirited alcoholic. She chose not to attend my wedding. I’ve been happily married for 19 years to a good man. Their loss. Hope that helps.

[–]justinandashley2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

OP's BF will be a better father than her father was/is because of interactions like these.

Wisdom can come from the strangest of places if we look at them right.

[–]transdermalcelebrity24 points25 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

My father is a narcissist and he would’ve been very happy to devour my entire life and have me take care of him till the end of his days. When he met my husband (we had been dating 3 years) he made up all kinds of crap to try and manipulate me into breaking up. He was nasty.

Your father likely will never give his blessing because then by traditional and legal standards it officially makes him not the #1 man of your life (even though he shouldn’t be anymore anyway).

It’s time for borders and boundaries. You’ve got a good man, you both don’t need your father’s blessing. Heck, you’re in your 30s, you don’t need to ask permission.

If you want to get married, get married. If you don’t, don’t. If your father gets ugly about it then you and your man need to work together to figure out how much you need to limit contact with your father (I see mine once every several years and he still does nasty things in person -from a distance he’s surprisingly pleasant).

Your #1 family is your bf and child. They matter. Your father is extended and if he’s going to be ugly about it, don’t enable him. Set boundaries, own your space with your man, and remember that you don’t have to honor people who do not want what’s best for you.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

This is so true. I’ve NEVER stood up to my dad and never set boundaries with him but it’s becoming clear that things need to change. I’m terrified of losing my dad though. He’s older (72) and we live halfway across the country. It’s important to my bf and I that he be involved in our kids lives also. It’s a treacherous path to walk.

[–]transdermalcelebrity6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I certainly understand that. So one way of setting boundaries is to play dumb to his subtext. It’s not an issue unless he says or does something directly. Don’t read his mind and try to anticipate his feelings or behaviors. Don’t try to rationalize to him or make it easier on him because you know he disagrees.

In other words, do what you intend and want to do. If he wants to make an issue of it then he has to do the work to make an issue of it and cause the ruckus. He has to take an active role or nothing. You go along as if you and bf have no idea that he has any disagreements with your actions. Sometimes that will cut it off right there because he won’t want to make the effort to start a fight. (Although with narcissists, look for sneaky side attacks from other family members... that can be a low effort route of causing disruption).

Then just be prepared if he gets brazen enough to make it an issue. A very matter of fact, “We’re sorry you disagree, but this is our life and our child. We heard your feedback but decided to proceed anyway.” Matter of fact, professional, and without a deep tapping of your own emotion. End of comment, end of discussion. A closed door. If he persists then you just say, “That’s all we have to say, we can move on to a different topic or end our interaction for today.” Then if it continues just a “Well, we have to go now. Talk to you later, love you.” And you leave or hang up (how you’d end the communication episode).

Both my husband and I have narcissist parents and this tends to manage them pretty well, because at the end of they day they are also pretty lazy. They are masters at manipulating people into emotional battles but they are horrible at dealing with professional speech that refuses to entertain their emotional roller coasters. You can have a relationship with them without playing the game.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

“Don’t read his mind and try to anticipate his feelings or behaviors. Don’t try to rationalize to him or make it easier on him because you know he disagrees.”

HOW did you know this is EXACTLY my problem?! I do this with him all the time and didn’t realize it until recently. It’s so hard to break these habits.

[–]JadedByEntropy2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Narcissist parents have that effect on everyone else. They teach us to walk on eggshells and then can blame us for not noticing the slight changes in their tone. I wish i had that advice sooner! But i disowned my parent before i knew how to live alongside them, still, would never go back. If you suffer extreme anxiety disorders, that is also a symptom of narcissist parenting.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh man, it’s sounds like I have some reading to do. When I wrote he was a narcissist I didn’t realize how true it may be. It just seemed like the right word.

I unfortunately have similar tendencies to my dad. And I have extreme anxiety around confrontation and disappointing people I care about. I’ve only recently started to see the issues I have with the relationship with my dad.

[–]JadedByEntropy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Deep dive into that research! Its going to hurt a little. But make lists of what you find and remember that is not you. It's him, and what he taught you to respond like. You have perfectly rational reactions inside, but were trained to overreact to certain cues. Anyone who lives with a narcissist for us, and you can heal.

Here is a comedic introduction that is exceptional and accurate to how they think. If that sounds like your entire childhood, there are solutions to undo the damage.

[–]deepfreshwater104 points105 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think your father is in the wrong here. He needs to get over himself and let you be happy.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar61 points62 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He definitely is in the wrong. “Asking for his blessing” is really more of a courtesy thing.

[–]peculiarmiss127 points128 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

You have two children together. With all due respect, why did he even ask for your father’s blessing? Why is a wedding contingent on said blessing?

[–]Mewster18181 Star34 points35 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I agree it's not necessary, but in many parts it's just considered the polite thing to do. I don't see anything wrong with him attempting to bring her parents on board by asking.

It shouldn't be something that stops them though.

[–]peculiarmiss44 points45 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Well, yes, but in this instance it’s a bit like asking permission to open the barn door after the cows have gotten out. I understand the tradition, but it starts to fall apart once you already cohabitate and have children together.

[–]Mewster18181 Star9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure, but still better off being polite than skipping it just because it's silly. Especially involving in-laws, if for no other reason to try to reduce friction.

Based of what happened, if her father hadn't been difficult at this step it sound like he still would've dragged his feet and been difficult in regards to other things. Ultimately, she wanted advice about how to deal with her father, questioning her partner's attempt to be polite really isn't helpful at this point.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes it was out of respect more than anything I suppose.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The wedding is not scheduled and there’s been no proposal. My bf and I have made every decision together, between having kids, AND waiting to get married in the future.

I think he just asked as a courtesy and out of respect. It’s been very clear that my dad simply does not respect my partner and sort of by default - doesn’t respect my decision making capabilities either.

[–]MeeeshyPeeeshy8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is part of the reason why I don’t love this tradition. If the father says no, are people really not going to get married? I actually don’t think you father did anything wrong. “Do I have you blessing?” Is a yes/no question. He Is allowed to say no. The question just shouldn’t have been asked.

[–]StepfordInTexas3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My sister told her boyfriend he needed to ask my permission. I said no when he asked. He was lying to his parents about living with my sister. I said I didn’t feel comfortable giving my blessing while they were starting their relationship on a lie. It was a heated discussion, but everyone respected my guidance. 6 months later he had come clean, I gave my blessing and they were engaged.

If OP respected the option of her father and the father had responded in good faith with a specific reason why I would respect that decision. But it sounds like the father isn’t worthy of respect in the first place.

[–]princessinvestigator6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This exactly. There’s no point in asking for the permission of someone you don’t respect.

[–]Flatwormmm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband asked for my dad's blessing, but they're close and it was just a polite thing. My dad asked him "well what are you going to do if I say no?" and my husband said "well obviously I'm going to marry her anyway", which was the right answer, apparently.

[–]mamabearbug5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd get married with or without it.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I've never loved this tradition, myself. It can be sweet, sure, but it's definitely only a courtesy. My dad also sees me as independent and capable and had my husband asked for his permission, he'd have told him he was asking the wrong person. That's why he didn't. We both knew my dad wouldn't appreciate it. It's clearly a very individual thing, though, so if it works for others, great. You're obviously not one of them, though. You're not your dad's property. You have a life together, already. If you want to marry him, marry him.

I do think you should talk to your father about his reasoning and how this makes you feel. I'd definitely make it clear that this was only a formality and at 30, you're going to do what's right for your family.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar13 points14 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

My dad and I have a complicated relationship. I only realized how complicated in the last few years. I always liked the tradition of “asking for his blessing” and I knew my boyfriend had a similar feeling too.

I believe my dad knows it’s a formality and I’ll get married regardless, which makes his saying no seem even more petty, and a specific dig at my boyfriend. It disgusts me, honestly.

[–]jtriangle5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Keep the tradition then, surely you have some male authority figure in your life that he can ask that's not an asshole.

That, and you reallllllllly need to setup some boundaries with your dad, and enforce them with an iron fist. If you don't, you and your boyfriend aren't going to make it. Remember, you teach people how to treat you. You absolutely cannot let anyone drive a wedge in between your relationships with other people and expect them to survive. Take agency, take responsibility, and do what's healthy for you.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The wedge I was talking about is between my dad and I, not my partner and I.

I’m so scared to stand up to my dad. My sister did it once before, didn’t invite him to her wedding and went no contact for almost 10 years. He still hasn’t changed, she just got better at not letting him get to her. I don’t have that confidence in myself.

My dad is 72 and if my standing up to him hurts our relationship I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself. I’m between a rock and a hard place.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You can't change him. If you think it's genuinely pointed, I'd advise you to ignore it entirely.

[–]FRedington-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

March yourself over to /r/JustNoMIL and read for a while. It is an eye opener. The sub-reddit exposes people (usually parents) with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) -- think: donald trump, but not as bad a trumpsky.

see also:

Pay attention to NPD. Note also that persons with NPD may also have other cluster-b disorders up to and including all Cluster-B disorders.

I am not a trained shrink of any type. I have had a few encounters with NPD types over a long-ish period of time.

[–]sunflowergirls857 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I can understand your dad’s point a little. He sees a man that got his daughter pregnant twice and is just now asking for his blessing to marry her? As a mother of three daughters I would have wanted better. But I am probably old fashioned. You are a family with children now though, so there is really nothing he can do.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

On one hand I understand that. On the other hand he didn’t “get me pregnant” so much as “we decided to start a family.”

I feel like that makes a big difference. My dad might not see it that way.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link


[–]UniformFox_trotOscar0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

It was a personal and financial choice. The papers don’t show commitment any more that an actual commitment does.

Do you think that’s really enough of a reason to not give his blessing? Especially because with the blessing, the next step IS the legal benefits of marriage?

That seems awfully petty to me. If he wanted the commitment beforehand, wouldn’t he still want it now? Instead of better late than never, it’s “if not now, never.”

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]UniformFox_trotOscar0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Of course he’s not an idiot, so he must know that we will be getting married if we want to, regardless of my dads blessing. So I’m curious why say no?

If he’s doubted my boyfriends level of commitment, what better time than now to say yes? By saying no, what does that achieve?

Edit: of course I want to talk to him about it eventually. But I need to wrap my head around it first and be on the same page with my boyfriend.

[–]AnarchoNAP2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Its only a wedge in between you if you let it be. Deciding not to pick him is a ship that has kind of sailed. What are you going to do? Be a single mom and attempt to start over at 30 with two kids because your dad would find it amusing?

I don't really see the point of blessings once the woman is on her own. It strikes me as fathers trying to have it both ways. If someone is your dependent and you would be responsible for her if the marriage was to go south, then it makes sense for you to have to approve, or at least get official input into, the proposed marriage. If women are going to be on their own and any failed marriage would be their cost to bear, then their father doesn't really get veto power. Even if society goes one way with it, if a particular father is supporting his daughter and acting responsible for her, then asking for a blessing would make sense to me. Asking one independent adult if another 30 year old independent adult with a career can marry is unnecessary.

[–]kew05gp2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You don't need his blessings at all cost. You did your part to ask. God WON'T ASK HIS PERMISSION TO BLESS YOU. NEVER. you're already blessed. Finding love is what's hard, and having great children. Not waiting on a narcissistic dad to shower down his vainglorious words that have no impact

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If your father is a legit narcissist, break ties. You are both complete adults (30s, yo) and you do not live for your parents, you live for you and your children.

Keep your mom, tho. She sounds cool. But never give a narcissist power over you; they are never satisfied, always harmful. I know, my sister turned out to be one.

EDIT: Also, really suggest you go over to r/raisedbynarcissists and get an eyeful. It'll help.

[–]Luis_McLovin8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

The solution is simple.

Have the wedding.

Send your mother an invite.

Don’t send your father an invite.


[–]katsnackshackysacks-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I can’t agree with this. Obviously it’s up to you, OP, and I wouldn’t blame you for not inviting him if the complications in your relationship would make that the best decision for you. But not giving his blessing alone shouldn’t be a reason to exclude him from the wedding IMO. It’s not a healthy thing for your marriage to be the thing to drive you further apart, let alone your father’s pettiness. If you think he can suck it up and let it be for that day, maybe still invite him. Of course, do what’s best for you and your future.

[–]EsuEmuSM0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Send the mother an invite but make sure the father's is lost in the mail and arrives a week or 2 later

[–]1ovewaters-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

but she's stated her father is a narcissist, that's a whole other reason

[–]katsnackshackysacks1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s true, but even that can mean a lot of different things

[–]Mewster18181 Star1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I also have a parent that is beyond difficult and unreasonable. As important as family relationships are, sometimes you have to put up boundaries for your own sake. It's very difficult, but follow your heart on what's best for you and your family, not on how best to appease your father.

[–]TheBunk_TB1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If I was your bf, I would challenge him to a fight. If dad wouldn't be upfront with his disdain and lack of respect.

He wont ever earn his respect, maybe only on his deathbed.

[–]Immuchtooawesome2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

He has NEVER liked my boyfriend and blatantly disrespects him in a sly, roundabout way almost constantly.

Did he provide a reason why?

If his judgement matters this much, why not hear his concerns out?

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

He did. But his judgement is absolute bullshit. He worried my boyfriend can’t provide for us, he has “too much leverage” (which are slightly contradictory) and that he isn’t committed.

But for the last three years it’s been proven through actions that we are committed. My boyfriend just bought us a house, and he pays 90% of the bills.

[–]Immuchtooawesome1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He worried my boyfriend can’t provide for us, he has “too much leverage” (which are slightly contradictory)

I hope you called him out on that. Sounds like he's just being picky on your behalf.

and that he isn’t committed.

Literally trying to get married here. Does he mean committed in a different sense? or like he doesn't understand the commitment he's undertaking?

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don’t exactly know. I haven’t spoken to my dad about it since I just found this out yesterday and it happened months ago.

I want to talk to him about it soon and ask him these questions. But another part of me thinks it doesn’t matter anyway.

[–]Brandonxxxi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This person is asking the right questions. Find out WHY your father doesn't like your boyfriend is the question to solve. When you don't have the answers yet wanting to not care, that won't solve anything. Claiming somebody to be a narcissist before asking questions on why is one-dimensional.

[–]morganKxoxo3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Did he give any reason as to why he rejected him?

I do think it’s important to respect your parents BUT, if you two want to get married and have a solid relationship I think you should because you have children together. Ultimately what’s best for your children should dictate this decision more so than your father.

[–]EsuEmuSM1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Have a wedding without his blessing. Plottwist: the father must ask for YOUR blessing to attend your marriage

[–]Flatwormmm1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I don't really know what you're looking for here. Your dad made it clear he doesn't like your bf, your bf for some reason asked his blessing when you're 30 years old and already have children, and your dad reinstated his feelings on your bf. What was the bf expecting when he went to ask permission? Why are you surprised?

You're both adults, you have a family together. Getting hung up on a pointless traditional formality and turning it into an issue is a waste of energy.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar-2 points-1 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Unfortunately I’m not all that surprised at my dads response but it doesn’t make it feel less petty and hurtful . If anything, I’m surprised my bf even bothered to ask but I do respect him for asking anyway.

[–]Flatwormmm0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

You're 30 with children of your own. If your parents are problematic at this stage you leave them behind. Indulging in drama with your dad is behind you now.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s not that easy man.

[–]Flatwormmm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I didn't say it was easy.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok, fair. Let me rephrase. I have no intention on leaving my father behind. Boundaries, sure.

[–]deadhand71 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey there. I had a similar situation. My wife’s dad was not thrilled when I told him. I was pretty furious. Even called the night early (we were out for a drink together).

I think it was him being territorial and a reminder of his age.

I was able to salvage the relationship though he eventually came around and now we’re closer than ever. Sometimes these things do have happy endings.

I have a few friends with similar stories. Sometimes people just suck with surprises.

Anyways, wishing you both the very best of luck. Congratulations!

[–]HumanSockPuppetTRP Founder0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's a symbolic gesture, nothing more. You don't need your father's permission to marry. You're not being traded for ten head of goats and help putting up a barn.

[–]LouiseConnor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It was a very nice gesture of your boyfriend, but you’re boyfriend is already the captain of your ship. You have kids and a home. Your dad doesn’t have authority to pass to your boyfriend.

It was a nice try, but knowing dad dislikes him already, it doesn’t sound surprising. I guess a telling more than asking might have made sense. But regardless, move onto wedding planning!

We had some resistance to our wedding (for very different reasons. We were 18) and everyone has come around now after a decade.

[–]Brandonxxxi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he's really a narcissist, then you already know what to do about his opinion: just don't invite him and move along. But then again, he could not be a narcissist and really dislike your boyfriend. I don't see an explanation from you that would label him as a narcissist. Why doesn't he like your boyfriend?

[–]rpool1790 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What's the point of getting the dad's blessing when you and the boyfriend already have 2 kids together now? It's almost a moot point. If you were both childless and younger it'd be different.

[–]Magicallypeanut0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your dad already gave his response. I wouldnt delaymy wedding in hopes he will change. If you love your guy, feel safe, and are loved/respected in return then go live your life.

[–]boiiihowdy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah honestly at this point, you and your boyfriend already seem to be acting as a family unit. While him asking for your father’s blessing was a respectful and probably good thing to do, at this point, it’s a slight formality. It’s best for you and your boyfriend to just get married. Invite your father to the wedding, but don’t be surprised if he declines.

[–]omanisherin-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

An outright rejection has no value. But if your Dad gave some constructive criticism it might be valuable advice for your intended to follow,and improve your quality of life. Common addictions like porn, alcohol, video games etc... or a lack of ability to provide, immaturity and narcissism are easy predictors of divorce. The greatest predictor of divorce is when a partner shows public disgust for their partner, for instance. If your Dad used this moment to give him some life pro tips, that's his prerogative, as he is looking out for his daughter. If he's just being a schmuck, I'd ignore it and get hitched. If he had valid points, I would strongly consider them before moving forward. Divorce is the worst, especially for kids.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s nothing like that. And I would hope that my dad would trust me enough to pick a man of quality to be the father of my children and to spend my life with.

His rejection is not only a reflection on his feelings about my boyfriend, but also shows distrust in me.

[–]TheBunk_TB-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, don't invite your father to the wedding until he talks with your bf.

[–]Maybelowsmv-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Get married anyway. Youre grown. You dont need your father's blessing especially after already having had children

[–]Mad_Finesse-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It means your father doesn't like him, that's all.

What are you supposed to do, be a single mom and end a perfectly good relationship? That's ridiculous.

He may have said no but he doesn't control your life or your relationship. It's just a dick move is all.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No, no I’m not waiting to get married until my dad says it’s ok. We are committed to each other and to being parents forever. We made that decision when we started trying for a baby.

I just never thought I’d my Dad would outright say no-and I’m having a hard time imagining moving forward knowing there will always be this stain on my relationship with my dad.

[–]Mad_Finesse-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your man did the right thing. It was a courtesy on his part. You speak of him well.

Maybe your dad said no, because he'd knew you'd do the exact opposite.

If you have kids with him, and you want to be with him and he with you. Get married.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter