My boyfriend is a feminist

[deleted] · 2019-05-29T20:30:36+00:00

You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself. You have a large disparity between your values and his values and the likelihood of this changing is extremely low. Is that something you're willing to live with?

[deleted] · 2019-05-29T20:39:30+00:00

i feel like incompatibility is a big issue. if hes not fullfilling or meeting your needs theres no point in forcing yourself to be ok with it, is there?

HB3234 · 2019-05-30T01:54:43+00:00

The blue pill people and the red pill people are going to tell you the same thing here:

You can't change another person's values. You need to find someone you can love and accept as-is, not based on an expectation that they will change into whatever mold you want to squish them into.

Of the RP options, I feel there are two big, obvious ones.

One is cut him loose and find a man you share goals with.

The other is to truly submit and follow him in his values, accepting him 100% and not expecting him to change. This means giving him the contributions he wants from you (equal partnership) rather than the ones you want to give him (cooking, cleaning, housewife role). If this thought fills you with dread, you dont love this man more than you love your vision of your future life and I will refer you back to the other suggestion.

Chet_Manly0987 · 2019-05-29T21:31:25+00:00

It is very hard to end a relationship where you love the other person and generally enjoy their company, especially when you know they love you back. However, sometimes in life, you may come to find that that person is still not right for you despite all those things above. When they are dating you, they are on their best behavior; it will not improve with marriage.

Also if this is something you truly desire for your life, don't let it slip away. Waking up one day in your forties, with kids who don't have a strong male figure for a father, who is not teaching them the values your father instilled in you, wondering where it all went wrong, too late to do anything about it.

Don't marry a cat and ask it why it is not behaving like the lion you like. Find a lion.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-05-29T21:21:04+00:00

Sadly it may not be fixable. All you can do is to be the best partner you can; he may not be equipped/wired to be the Captain you need and crave. It sounds like his entire worldview and value system are antithetical to yours (which it would be, if he's a Feminist and you're a RPW). You may simply be outgrowing him.

teaandtalk · 2019-05-29T22:05:16+00:00

Feminism isn't the problem, there are lots of RP women whose men would self-describe as feminists. The problems that I can see are that a) he expects both of your contributions in the relationship to be the same, and he doesn't appreciate yours (cooking and cleaning), and b) he's not masculine in the way you desire/find attractive.

a) is probably remediable, if you can discuss your relationship contributions in non-gendered terms. You prefer cooking and cleaning, and those are valuable contributions to the relationship...he needs to appreciate them, just as you appreciate the ways in which he contributes to the relationship.

b)....well. It's a fundamental red-pill truth that you can't negotiate attraction. If you're not attracted to him, due to his perceived non-masculinity, then that is going to be a killer.

Hannibal257bc · 2019-05-30T01:05:09+00:00

You say it’s cruel to cut him off, but your “kinder” solution is to change who he is on a fundamental level?

ny-lady · 2019-05-30T11:28:37+00:00

People can love each other all they want this does not mean you are right for each other or meant to stay together. Ive let go of men I love, we didnt line up so we were set up for failure in the future. They were not bad, etc, we just had different values.

People need to get this out of their heads. So many unhappy couples out there because they think they need to stay together.

Your values do not line up. Values lining up are important.

_derekhawkins · 2019-06-18T15:45:11+00:00

Feminism emasculating the young men? No one could have predicted that

[deleted] · 2019-05-30T10:16:26+00:00

Do yourself and him a favor, and end the relationship, move somewhere where the culture fits the lifestyle you want to live, and make finding the kind of man you want your full time job ASAP. If you stay with this guy, you are putting yourself into situation where you will never be happy and you will be temped to stray.

[deleted] · 2019-05-29T21:08:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

HiImIncel · 2019-05-30T00:47:18+00:00

> In liberal circles (there are only liberals in my area) the advice I get is always to cut him off if he isn't what I want

YUP. That is EXACTLY how it is here. No wonder I know so many single moms. I'm currently doing babysitting for some over the summer. (kill me).

> He thinks it's sexist and unfair or mean.

I initially though he might he playing that "reverse psychology" bs, but after 5 YEARS, I can't believe how hard-headed this guy is LOL.

Maybe it's his friends. A person is the average of the 5 people he/she spends the most time with, so I'm sure his friends have something to do with this. Do you think moving to a more conservative area is a possibility?

> I'm just starting to explore the red pill reddits so I'm not sure if maybe I don't fit in here but so far I think we have similar values and I want to be a part of the community.

Did you grow up conservative or liberal? And how exactly did you come to the RedPill (female version)?

RetcHyPp · 2019-05-30T01:14:33+00:00

Man thats honestly sad, i wish i had a good advice but in my opinion it is extremely hard to change someones lens of the world when he/she have been drilled with that ideology during teen years and earlier (especially teens). My only advice would be to take a long (2-3 week) vacation to a country where its very uncommon for that sort of behavior to be displayed by men.

I am personally from Belarus and have been around that part of Europe and in my opinion if he sees the way people behave there and if you show that you like this type of behavior, he might reevaluate his lifestyle.

Or shit, just try to give him the good old social redpill, have him watch some social structure and psychology lectures with you.

Hammocknapping · 2019-05-30T11:49:38+00:00

So me and my boyfriend have been together for five years and are starting to spend the majority of our time together.

I wondered how this was possible until I realized your 20, which means you’ve been dating since high school.

I noticed he is not very masculine and that has disappointed me so much.

How is he not masculine? Please provide examples.

I just feel like what I have to offer as a partner is not being appreciated, I want to cook everything for him and be at his service but he seems uncomfortable with that,

At 20, as his girlfriend, I think this expectation is a little weird. My very masculine husband doesn’t want me to do everything for him or “serve” him. He’s a very intelligent, capable adult and likes to help around the house. Typically we both cook and clean of time allows.

he doesn't treat me like a woman, I feel like one of his guy friends.

It looks like over the last 24 hrs you’ve tried to clean up your post history to make it more RP, but from what I’ve read you act like one of the boys. Your traditional family thinks you dress like a slob and a hobo. I doubt you put out any feminine vibes at all.

He knows what I want but he has trouble being comfortable with acting this way. He thinks it's sexist and unfair or mean.

Your boyfriend is in his early 20s. Most men are not ready to take the lead until at least their mid-20s. At this age, it’s reasonable to believe his views will evolve. No need to jump straight into a d/s relationship. Start small by having him make little decisions like where to study or what to do on a date.

YOU are in charge of changing yourself, and right now it seems like you don’t inspire masculinity in him because you are not a feminine woman.

Vforsejr88 · 2019-06-02T14:34:44+00:00

Maybe he should calm down and stop being uncomfortable when adhering to your wants and needs.

Have you told him how much it actually means for a woman to feel unappreciated in a relationship? Especially since the things you like doing objectively make a family home a better place; coming gone to a warm meal and knowing that the house and family is safe since someone is taking care of them whilst he is away working or something else.

alphatruth · 2019-06-08T17:52:42+00:00

The answer here is simple: Honesty.

Find the courage to say exactly what you said to a bunch of strangers online, it’s only fair to the person you’re in a relationship with and really the only way to get things moving, regardless of what direction it may be. Have an honest yet diplomatic dialogue.

gscheit · 2019-05-30T10:41:11+00:00

Personally I don’t see an issue if your husband wants to help you cook and with other tasks. If you’re that set on fulfilling that vision of yours and don’t think you want to adapt to him any longer your relationship is doomed. Don’t expect him to change. I find it notable that you have been with him for five years

_Ulan_ · 2019-05-30T11:29:24+00:00

Without expecting to change him. You can calmly explain what relationship you dream of. You can remind him how the world has rolled with conservative couples for centuries and that this is what you want.

The most important aspect of your argument is to understand that the liberal wave of sexual freedom nowadays is NOT about EVERYONE sleeping around and being emasculated. It's about having the choice to live a RP life or not. You can make it very clear that you make that choice without being forced to.

In my opinion, women are often too light when they try to explain what man they want. If you say : "I wish you'd lead" the man will plan one night out and feel like he has done the deed for the next year. Instead you could be more honest and dare to say something less vanilla : "I want a man that can proudly hold all the responsibility in our relationship, one that I can shelter under and that doesn't depend on me to fix his problems."

It's less enjoyable to hear, but it is a cold truth and you owe him that.

moonchildcountrygirl · 2019-05-30T15:03:18+00:00

I do think a lot of men are in the position your guy is in. Good hearted men want the women in their lives to be happy, and for him its hard to reconcile that your happiest and even most empowered state would be to be lead by a strong, chivalrous, dominant man that would enable you to express your femininity. The polarities of masculine and feminine energy are really being challenged and picked apart these days, a lot of throwing out the baby with the bath water so to speak. If you’ve been with him for 5 years, letting your values and desires be known and theres still a clash, it may be time to either accept that he wont change into your captain and stick it out, or continue searching and vetting for the right one. They’re out there, even in liberal cities.... and girls with your values are very rare and coveted. I would factor your age and if you want children into your choice as well, unfortunately women need to be time-conscious with their investments. But you sound like a good one who knows her value and no matter what you’ve done he hasnt stepped into the role youve needed him in

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-05-30T17:05:58+00:00

The fact that he doesn’t appreciate what you want to do can be remedied internally (do these things for yourself, not for him). If you want to have kids, it is an advantage to have a spouse who can role switch a bit (especially if you don’t have family nearby to help).

The fact that you don’t find him attractive is the bigger issue here. But would you have really stuck around for so long if you didn’t find him attractive in some way? You have to ask whether you’re imagining a grass is always greener scenario. Would I find my spouse with an effortless perfect body and ideal character more attractive? Sure. Is that realistic? No.

The RPW approach is to optimize based on your sexual market value. RPW recognizes that there are a lot of 4s who want to hold out for a 9. It’s not going to happen. A RPW also knows her SMV is diminishing as she ages. So she knows that at some point close to the wall, she has to overcome the “grass is always greener” (or branch swinging) mentality and secure commitment from the best man she can find. It’s very hard to find the balance between having high standards for a spouse and having unrealistic standards.

If you were 20 and dating since 15, the answer is very different from being 30 and dating since 25. If you’re a 4 and he’s a 7, you should be happy with what you’ve got. If you’re an 8 and he’s a 5, you can probably do better.

Note that attractiveness can also vary; he might be an 8 in your liberal circles because he owns more housework but a 6 in conservative circles because he doesn’t own as much repair work. I think what matters most in “owning” something is getting it done. We have a friend who’s a VP at a big company; he is awful at assembling furniture, so he outsources it to someone he found on Task Rabbit. He has the money to outsource so it gets done; that’s ownership even if he doesn’t do it in the same way that’s more stereotypically masculine. In our house, I’m better at furniture assembly so I do most of it for the sake of efficiency. It doesn’t make me find my husband less attractive; I enjoy doing it. So think less about what other people find attractive, and more about what you find attractive.

Title	My boyfriend is a feminist
Author	kariasra
Upvotes	95
Comments	36
Date	May 29, 2019 8:19 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-boyfriend-is-a-feminist.240137 https://theredarchive.com/post/240137
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/bujm38/my_boyfriend_is_a_feminist/