~ archived since 2018 ~

My captain said something really insightful I want to share!

November 18, 2018

Hello! I have been reading your posts for a long time, but I never wanted to create an account until now. I just had to share the conversation I had with my husband!

He knows I've been trying to self improve recently. Following advice from this subreddit, I've been exercising, trying to respect his decision making more rather than taking control of every situation, and have made more of an effort to keep on top of household chores- essentially trying to embrace my inner woman and smooth out my rough edges. However I felt like something wasn't quite clicking. I wanted to swallow the red pill, I really did, but it kept getting stuck in my throat for some reason. I found relinquishing control especially difficult (I'm somewhat of a control freak and have often bickered with my husband over things I have no right to, like how he deals with matters in his family or when he does his Christmas shopping. I like mine done early, he leaves his till the last minute!). However I am self aware and empathetic enough to realise how annoying and damaging a trait that can be in a relationship if unchecked.

Tonight my frustration spilled over and I had a good long vent with my husband about my struggles. I felt like I was really stuck between two selves- the old me I am trying to change, and the new better me I want to become. I felt incredibly frustrated that I didn't seem to be progressing and that my new behaviours felt fake and unnatural to me, like I was playing a role.

I'm very lucky that my captain is very patient and insightful. His reply was this, "it sounds like you don't really believe in the changes you're trying to make. Like you don't believe you are capable of becoming the person you want to be".

My goodness ladies. I welled up. He was right! It's not that I didn't WANT to change for the better, it's that I didn't believe I could. But I think if we do go down the road of self improvement, we have to try and cultivate a hopeful attitude about ourselves. We have to believe we are capable of better behaviour. Otherwise what's the point!

Sorry for gushing but I just found this really helpful and my hope is that it helps others :)

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Post Information
Title My captain said something really insightful I want to share!
Author Slinkyslog
Upvotes 100
Comments 10
Date November 18, 2018 11:51 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–]suzannehatton13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No apologies necessary, that is very insightful! Thanks for sharing your husband's wisdom.

It's funny I just had the same thought yesterday - that I don't really believe I can change - that all the improvements I am making are surface level only. And then I thought "what if I really did change?" It was a fleeting moment, but then I read your post today and I realised the importance. Thanks :)

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If positive behaviors are unnatural, that means you're overcoming your baser nature, the phase before it becomes second nature. Like a toddler sitting through a whole meal :-p

[–]suzannehatton3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is interesting. Could you elaborate a bit more what you mean? xx

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Being an adult, sitting through a whole meal is second nature. But it's really not nature, but nurture. You're not done learning at 18. Being an adult is a starter qualification, not the entire qualification for life. You're now expected to nurture yourself, find your own mentors and inspiration. You have been trained up into adulthood, the rest is on you. Don't be the eternal novice. Everyone starts out kind of stupid. Your discomfort, the unnatural feeling, that's just like the wriggling of the toddler. But they learn. And so do we.

[–]kforsythe915 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I really like this frame of mind. I find that I struggle with the notion that I can ACTUALLY do the things that I want. They feel like pipe dreams sometimes and feel too big or far away that they become untouchable and with that frame of mind, I have already failed or have set myself up for failure. So thank you for sharing because I think when we go through the motions and check boxes of what we think we are supposed to do but subconsciously feel and think we cant do it.. it becomes so much harder and almost feels like a chore and we give up easier because we knew that was going to be the outcome anyway. I dont want to speak for all women but for me personally.. I totally make things WAY harder than they needed to be due to self doubt, overanalyzing and worrying.. your insights were very appreciated and because you were able to name and pinpoint what the issue was that was holding you back.. I think it will get a little easier for you and hopefully feel a little bit more natural because you DO have the ability to be the woman you wish to be and you have to keep telling yourself that until it becomes your reality. :) thanks again for sharing!

[–]justgivemetruth0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

That is very insightful and encourages me in that maybe I can let go of control. My biggest problems are I make more money so I pay most of the bills, I come home and do nearly all the cooking and cleaning so in a way I have been feeling as if I “deserve” to make all the decisions.. Tough stuff, thank you for sharing!

[–]etherealpwincess0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

See, I don't understand this. If you're doing almost everything in the household, why should you defer to your partner as the captain? If he brings almost nothing of value to the household, what's the point?

[–]justgivemetruth0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I guess I made it seem like he did nothing. He does anything that has to do with outside. Taking out the trash/recycling, all the lawn work, any thing that requires tools like home improvement and repair projects. The biggest thing that makes it hard for me to defer is the fact that I make more money than him. My past relationships were all 3+ years with very beta men who never made decisions and so I was basically forced to make them and it’s become a bad habit. It’s hard to let go!

[–]etherealpwincess0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, sorry, the only reason I ask is because it looks like I'm the one who's going to bring home more money between my boyfriend and I.

Another redditor put it simply when she said, "You're being a full woman and half a man while he's being half a man."

If you could let go of that restriction, good on you at least. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[–]saraaaabeeee0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this post, I found it very thoughtful and thought provoking. I feel at times I struggle with the same issue of working towards self improvement but falling into being the old me & habits. This really put things into perspective and now made me realize I do see a better me that is obtainable. Thank you! Thank your hubby too!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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