~ archived since 2018 ~

My marriage has changed for the worse since I quit drinking regularly.

December 7, 2019

Hello RPW, I could really use some perspective and guidance from this community.

We’ve been together for 13 years, since we were 21 and 22 years old and we have 4 children.

Here is my problem- I do not find my husband attractive, nor am I able to be sexually responsive or aroused by him when sober.

I used to drink 1-2 glasses of wine, or a strong cocktail nearly every night since the beginning of our relationship. Was I an alcoholic? By definition, yes. I had no problems quitting however, and I never drank to avoid my problems. It didn’t feel like something I needed, more like something we looked forward to doing together as a nightly ritual, followed by sex.

Obviously I abstained from alcohol during pregnancy and nursing. The lack of attraction during those times was never an issue because he wasn’t interested either. Pregnancy and nursing just wasn’t a sexy time for him, and I was focused on taking care of my infants. Once the babies were weaned we resumed our routine of regularly having a drink or two and then sex-which I enjoyed. I felt like we had a healthy relationship with plenty of good sex. I’d hear of other couples divorcing and think of how lucky we were to still be happy together. Other women would talk about their sexless marriages and I thought we were special and somehow figured out how to keep it spicy when others couldn’t.

It’s been about three years since I stopped drinking on a regular basis. Even though I wasn’t drinking to get drunk I didn’t like the way I felt the next morning and I didn’t want my kids to grow up learning that having alcohol on a regular basis is just what grownups do. I didn’t quit completely though, I would drink once a month on date nights. My husband drinks less now too, although he still has a drink after work about twice a week. No judgment on my part, he is entitled to his ritual and to relax, it’s just not right for me anymore.

He is not a bad guy. He is good to me and the kids, he is responsible with a well paying job, full head of great hair, and we have a very comfortable lifestyle. He is thoughtful and generous and very much in love with me. I have been doing the work to work on myself like exercise, diet, and mindfulness. I practice gratitude and appreciation since he is the sole provider for our family. I only speak positively about him. Even when other women complain about their husbands, I chime in and only have good things to say about mine. They would sarcastically remark that we have four kids because my husband is awesome (unlike theirs)

I do love him, I just can’t seem to cultivate sexual desire for him while sober. I feel tremendously guilty when I reject his advances. I feel like I am not behaving the way a wife should. When I accept his advances I earnestly try to let go and enjoy it, but I’m sure he can see right through my feigned enthusiasm. He has said that he wishes I would initiate and be more expressive and sexual in general. I’ve tried to fake-it-till-you-make-it and hoped that with enough time I would become aroused. I just feel empty and disgusted when it’s over. If I’m being perfectly honest, I feel like a prostitute. I feel like I should put out because he pays for everything and he has the right to have sex with his wife. I am so ashamed.

It took some time for me to come to this realization about the alcohol. I thought that I was just stressed from the kids, or my hormones were off, or my body was broken and unable to perform. I read books on sexuality, we got toys, tried different lubes. I even offered to let him have an open marriage because I felt guilty not being able to perform. He refused that idea, saying that he wants to have great sex with me, not anyone else and that we could figure it out together. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t find him attractive. I realized it was the alcohol when I noticed he started frequently offering it to me after I cut back. When I would indulge I was eager for sex. A few times I’d playfully ask, “Are you trying to get me drunk?” And he would smile, wink, and say “Always”. That was when I put two and two together....I’ve only been receptive, desirous even, when under the influence.

I don’t want a divorce. It would break his heart and our family and he hasn’t done anything wrong. As Laura Doyle says, “If he isn’t one of the bad ones, he’s a good guy.” I’m just not attracted to him. I feel like I’m being unfair to change the rules after more than a decade. I’m the one who has changed, not him. Even non-sexual touch fills me with anxiety and fear because I’m afraid he will escalate. When he gives me a hug or a kiss I can feel my body tense up in a panicked state. I’ve noticed that I try to avoid him so I’m not in a position to either reject him or pretend to want him. I’ll find reasons to keep busy or go to sleep well before him to avoid the elephant in the room, but that’s no way to live either. It seems ludicrous and exhausting to spend the rest of our lives being afraid of physical intimacy with my husband.

Honestly, I feel like a terrible person. I know I did this to myself for being so reckless with alcohol. I’m in this situation because I wasn’t careful enough when I was younger to get to know him when sober, maybe we wouldn’t have gotten married to begin with. I hope this serves as a warning for the younger unmarried ladies in here. But here we are, and I want to make this work. I don’t want to punish him or our children for my poor choices. I know the best gift we can give our kids is a happy and healthy marriage and sex is part of that.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and what did you do? Are there any women here in an arranged marriage who have had to learn to love their husbands? How do you cultivate desire or attraction for someone? How can I WANT HIM and be receptive to his touch?

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Post Information
Title My marriage has changed for the worse since I quit drinking regularly.
Author Housewife247365
Upvotes 100
Comments 77
Date December 7, 2019 5:48 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]HB32345 Stars49 points50 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It sounds like you have some trouble with letting go and/or being vulnerable and/or shame about sexuality. Alcohol lowered your inhibitions and let you connect with a part of yourself that you don't often talk to.

Alcohol doesn't make you a different person. It just lowers your internal barriers to act on desires. The good news here is, you do have desire for your husband and you are aroused by him... WHEN your internal barriers are down. So, if you can identify and address those barriers, you can feed and grow your love.

Were you taught sex is shameful? Do you have resentments? Is there trauma in your past? Is sober-you so focused on sex as obligation that you can't view it as play? These are all ideas to explore to figure out your internal barriers. A counselor can help a lot. So can doing mindfulness exercises.

[–]Housewife247365[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I need to figure out those barriers. I wasn’t raised to believe sex is shameful. Up until I quit drinking I thought our marriage and sex life was above average and satisfying.

[–]eatavacado0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had never realized this about alcohol, and it 100% rings true. So grateful for your comment and I’m really going to reflect on this- thank you

[–]Mollusc686 points87 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hey! It sounds like you've tried physical things but what your really need to try is mental. And believe me you can do it. Consider it like meditation, but on your husband. For whatever reason your brain has stopped being attracted to him. He's become apart of the furniture for you, this happens I think sometimes in long marriages since women are mostly wired for infant care.

Basically you have to start fantasizing about your husband. Forced at first. Not exactly sexually but you have to mentally 'pay attention' to all the good things he's doing, like really focus on it. Focus on parts you enjoy about his body, how he moves. If you like the shape of his hands focus on them and how strong they are, imagine them on your body. Fantasize about the sex you used to have. Capture moments while he does something around the house everyday, focus so much that everything he does becomes 'new' to your brain again. We can do this by being mindful, but also by guiding and encouraging our fantasy life.

Because it will make him interesting again when you do, and interesting is sexy. All of it may have to be forced/ exaggerated in your mind and it can seem strange but it legitimately works over time if you apply it consistantly. Your body, barring hormonal issues will respond. It's your mind that needs rewireimf and it's probably because of the alcholol. You aren't not attracted to your husband you literally 'wired your brain's like Pavlov's dog over the ears to only be aroused with alchohol.

Now if it doesn't and you've been really diligent, then it's possible you have a hormonal imbalance related to birth control/ or the birth of your children. A big question is can you still be aroused by other things? What I mean is that if you can be aroused by other men ( which is probably not something you want to find out in anyways, but maybe you read sexy novels?) Then it's probably not hormones it's mental. Actually reading sexy novels is also an option to try, read a sexy novel and hope in to bed with him when your already primed.

Hope that helps.

Edited to add the rewired brain part.

[–]dashdotdott22 points23 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you! I've had arousal issues for a while and you've given me a strategy. Granted, I know that some is due to physical things, but still this could mitigate it.

[–]Mollusc612 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Check out the book "biology of desire". It's about addictions but it goes in depth to explain how behavior patterns create habits which are reinforced by our brains/body.

You can do this. You just have to find the strategy that works. This could be by tricking your brain that your husband's 'new' to you. That could be through role play, or mindfulness. Or by establishing new patterns of arousal, like hopping into sex after a sexy novel.

[–][deleted]  (12 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted]  (7 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hi! Another sober woman who went through the EXACT same issue you described. Here are some thoughts on it: I felt like a prostitute because my spouse would say similar things, again, he is a great man as well. It was after some therapy that I realized that it’s got nothing to do with my spouse and how much I love, desire, or want him. It has to do with the fact that once you take the alcohol away you’ve got a lot of wreckage to deal with (emotionally) and that until you deal with those feelings you won’t want to go back to being sexual. I had to have a lot of conversations with my husband about needing emotional intimacy and connection while I work through my issues. He was absolutely in board and totally wonderful about giving me what I needed while working through these issues. We are over our sexless hump and things are...enthusiastic, sexy, comfortable, etc

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

LMAO I still get aroused at the smell of a certain face mask for my skin, because I multi-tasked a few times as a teenager. This post sums it up very well. OP, retrain your brain, or get help from a sexual therapist. Maybe you can find a substitute non-alcoholic drink that tastes similar?

[–]Housewife247365[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is very helpful advice, thank you! I have read Atomic Habits and it makes a lot of sense that I have unwittingly trained my brain.

We need to create more positivity between us. Relaxing with a drink was the one thing we had in common.

Also, I heard Dr. Drew from Loveline explaining that same bathroom dilemma experienced by guys in the military on deployment. It was the only place they were afforded any privacy and it caused some problems when they got home.

[–]wontsayanotherword8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Have you mentioned any of this to your doctor? My sister had blood work done and she basically had the hormones of a menopausal woman (in the late 20s). Are you on hormonal birth control? Do you watch porn/read porn and/or masturbate. Can you have sexual feelings for someone else or if you are “revved” up enough?

Mentality can play a massive part of sexual desire and you are already in a negative loop with the anxiety part. I have found a lot of my sexual attraction to my husband is choosing to see him that way. Also things like dates and weekends away and self care are huge.

I would highly recommend talking to your doctor if you have not done so. Also look into some therapy for yourself to get to the root of some of your issues.

[–]jonmarli7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Do you masturbate (or just fantasize if you avoid masturbation) or otherwise feel desire for sex (in general, not only with your husband) when you aren't inebriated? Do you feel attracted to other men?

[–]Housewife247365[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes. For the record there isn’t anyone else. I don’t have any secret crushes. It’s just a nameless faceless fantasy. Sometimes I even think about some of our more memorable encounters with my DH.

[–]extraketchupthx5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would suggest abstaining from masturbation awhile and concentrating on what you like about your partner. Like a top comment said mediate on him. I find that sometimes when I masturbate I’m more likely to turn down my fiancé, so now I abstain.

[–]Housewife247365[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a really interesting perspective, thank you!! I think I may have been building up a fantasy of him. I do think kind thoughts about him when he is away and I reminisce about some of the more memorable sexual experiences. I think the disconnect happens when he is present and reality husband doesn’t match the image I’ve created.

[–]valleycupcake4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

If there’s something that’s making him less attractive to you (weight, negative attitude, clinginess, hygiene issues), I can almost guarantee he’d rather you tell him straightforwardly and gently rather than try to force yourself to have sex when you feel no arousal. Sometimes it’s easier to get with a dad bod after you’ve had a few drinks, and now that you’re seeing him in a sober way it feels different and your thinking is kind of switched back on. Is there something specific about his looks or personality that is a turnoff, or are you just turned off by the thought of sex in general, with anyone?

[–]Housewife247365[S] 4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, he is out of shape. He’s always been that way though. In the beginning of our relationship he confessed about feeling insecure of his body. I told him that I didn’t fall in love with his six pack (which never existed). But at least he used to try. Today his waist is broader than his shoulders. I never made an issue about his weight. In my preRPW days I thought I could just set a good example. I would mind my diet and exercise and he would see me doing well and become inspired by my transformation.

I feel incredibly accomplished and proud that I lost all the baby weight and then some after each baby. I am actually 15lbs lighter and leaner than when we started dating. Most people have a shocked look on their faces when they learn we have four kids because I don’t look it. Before I get internet attacked for hubris, let me also acknowledge that I have stretch marks and all you moms out there can relate that things don’t snap back perfectly like they were before pregnancy no matter how much you exercise. I’m not delusional, I know I’m not 20 anymore. I was driven to be better out of a sincere desire to not become another complacent housewife. I wanted to be better for my husband, someone he could be proud of, in the same way I quit drinking to be better for my kids.

I think more troublesome than the physical part is his attitude and mentality. He just lost his spark, lost confidence, got complacent and stopped trying. I mentioned in another post that he’s become apathetic. He has a really good job which he likes, but not much else in his life besides the kids and I. I would ask him questions like, “what do you want to be when you grow up.....what do you think our lives will look like in 5, 10, 20 years...... if we won the lottery what would we do?” In an effort to glean his dreams and desires or plan for our family. He gets annoyed that I ask him questions that he doesn’t have an answer. He appears to be an uninspired guy just going through the motions. I know the drinking doesn’t help. I feel better physically and mentally since I quit. I never gave him an ultimatum or asked him to change, I just expressed what I planned to do for myself and then did it. He has cut back a lot since he lost his drinking buddy (me).

I feel a little depressed just writing that out-which is why I have chosen to stay positive and focus on the good things, because what you think about you bring about right? He is a good guy, who is loyal and cares about his family. Oh yeah, did I mention he has great hair?!? ;)

[–]snakessssssssss3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Have you tried being honest about this with him? This is not fair to either of you. There is a way to broach this without seeming like you’re giving him an ultimatum. But it sounds like he needs a kick to get his butt in gear!

[–]jessica_31121 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I totally agree with this. You should try and be open with him about this. Happened to me and my bf. We both tell each other when there's something that turns off the other (physical or psychological) and honestly, it works if you both want it to work. But of course, you have to say it in a nice and not attacking way. And also, from what you said, he's the problem since you're doing everything you can to stay attracted and attractive. Your husband will not change in your eyes if he doesn't do anything, no matter how much you try and how much you love him, and that's why it's important to talk to him.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–]Housewife247365[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes, we are only 6 months post pill and I am hopeful. I understand you can’t erase a decade of past experiences overnight.

[–]8380atgmaildotcom0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What we say on the male side of trp is, "you can't negotiate genuine attraction".

The reality is you're not attracted to him full stop. Everything else you're saying is flowery wording and rationalizations to justify how you really feel. And that's not a bad thing; we don't like hurting the people we care about. But if you need drunk goggles to fuck your husband then rethink what real attraction really is.

Not trying to be harsh I'm just trying to get you to see the bottom line. The other ladies on here are supportive and that's nice of them but they aren't going to break it down to what it really is going on without beating around the bush.

The good thing is that there is a solution. You tell him that he needs to make his health a priority because that is something you need for your relationship to be successful. And when he starts to ask you questions about how you feel, you answer honestly. Tell him how you want him to seek personal responsibility. I'm sure there are circumstances holding him back from that so if he is forced to withdraw or not provide in the way that you expect/desire you need to support him as long as he is maintaining his commitment to his health.

[–]Pola_Lita0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was so happy to read this. It makes a lot of sense and I believe the problem can be resolved. He's obviously a good man, a little lost maybe, and your marriage is worth saving. Some of the posts r/marriedredpill might be helpful for you, maybe for him as well. Good for you and him, too. I wish you well.

[–]PhaedrusHunt0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok, thanks for laying it out.

Working out and being in shape is a BIG part ofy life and my wife's life too. HOWEVER we were both already like this when we met. We don't work out together much (she goes to the gym, I go to BJJ) but when we do it's fun and we like going on long walks and hikes together.

Sorry but i think you owe it to your person to be as attractive as possible.

He needs to get to the gym.

[–]Eugenius6665 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Your husband doesn't sound like a dynamic, inspiring, "the guy who lights up a room when he walks in"--type of guy. Unfortunately, it sounds like you made the safe choice when you chose to marry him. He may have ticked a lot of boxes indicating he would make a great father, but did he capture your heart? Were you enthusiastically madly upside-down in chaotic love when you married him? Or was he merely "good enough?" He ticked the boxes. You may have settled here, and you knew so from the beginning, hence the drinking. I have seen this exact scenario play out in the marriages of my friends...there was a perceived pressure to marry by a certain age and so, at a certain point, people settle for the best option available (and don't follow their heart.) I want to sincerely thank you for writing such a well thought out and honest assessment of your marriage. It's very illuminating and helpful in many ways. I wish you the best of luck in however you decide to proceed.

[–]Housewife247365[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re right, he was a safe choice. He was a nice, financially stable guy who was crazy about me. He still is all those things. I don’t want a new guy, I want the best version of my guy.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]Eugenius6660 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, I want to say first off that there is nothing inherently wrong with a "safe marriage." People get married for many different reasons, and having a safe marriage definitely has its upsides. It can allow you to focus on areas that particularly motivate you , whether it's a strenuous yet highly rewarding career or staying home with the kids. But if you're anything like a romantic at heart, as I am, it can end up being stifling to the soul. Now I cheated a little and glanced at your post history and noticed you don't have kids yet. I would thank your lucky stars because that allows you tremendous freedom of action. My honest advice is that staying doesn't do anybody any favors. You owe yourself the chance to be giddy in love with the person you're married to. You need to feel that magic connection and love buzz fulfillment on a daily basis, and if you're not feeling it now , it's not going to magically appear. Where is your husband's head in all of this? Does he think the marriage is going along swimmingly? Do you think he senses any of your apprehension? Do you think the "safe marrage" concept was something he knowingly signed up for, or is he totally and completely smitten with you and assumes you feel the same about him? Sort of knowing which La-La Land your husband is living in will help determine how to proceed. (Who knows, he could be feeling the same way you are, which could make for smoother sailing down the road.) I better wrap up for now , but I was excited to get this question and eager to help out in any way. Thank you.

[–]crashmeifyoucan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I'll PM you

[–]missylizzy5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This seems like something deeper inside of you psychologically. You were drinking for a reason. Nobody drinks nightly without a reason. Trust me, I personally know this.

I hate saying therapy because it sounds so overdone, but you both may need couple's counseling.

[–]PhaedrusHunt-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hubby needs to be more attractive for his wifey that's busted her ass to be sexy for him. I'll fat shame a dude in a heartbeat.

He's gonna die younger, he's gonna have poorer overall health, his kids are gonna think it's OK to get fat. Nope.

And don't shame her on the drinking-- first of all, she's done, second, she had to pregame to get in the mood. Understandable. Old dude owes it to his wife to be bangable.

[–]missylizzy0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Did she say he was fat?

[–]PhaedrusHunt0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]throwawaybpdnpd1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hi, here’s what I think....

Being a nice guy is OK when starting a long term relationship, but truly understanding how to build attraction as a man is what keeps it great for a lifetime.

Men are problem solvers, but they have to know that there’s a problem for them to want to find a solution.

I think you should introduce him to the red pill ideology and the benefits around it, then show him this post you just wrote; at first he might be in denial but he will have no choice than to move to acceptance (because it’s his reality)

To be able to satisfy his own urges and save what you guys have, the best choice for him to make will be to educate himself about male / female interactions and how attraction works

If you love working hard and becoming better yourself, he will have to do the same or at some point you will step on a man who does and “wahhh” will you be attracted to him and start realising what you’re missing on

Women are hypergamous by nature, they feel better when they look UP to their partner; like a captain.... he’s a nice guy, but you don’t look up to him; that would be why you feel that way

I don’t think that it’s your fault for losing attraction and it isn’t either his fault for not having this knowledge already (life happens, you learn from it). BUT it will be your fault if you don’t share this with him and it will be his fault if he never accepts it

Your marriage’s solution is simple (not easy), he has to start bettering himself

Good luck with the rest !

[–]Housewife247365[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re right. I would lurk over on MRP and hear stories about men whose wives leaving them was the catalyst for their transformations and couldn’t help but feel sad for their families. If only there had been a way to intervene before it got so far out of hand. Thankfully, neither of us is at the point of no return.

[–]unknownlady32453 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I didn’t drink every night but had the same “no sexual feelings” until I went on Wellbutrin, which is an antidepressant that was prescribed for me for food cravings. It was like the old me from 20 yrs ago had come back! I was so thankful. I had always told my husband that my sexual lack of desire was in my head, but he took it personally. He is glad that I’m on it And our sex life is better than it’s been in years.

[–]MissNietzsche1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Has the Wellbutrin worked for your food cravings?

[–]unknownlady32452 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes. It makes me not constantly focus on the next meal or snack. It has been a blessing to me. Like I didn’t realize how bad I felt before, until I got on it.

[–]openoids1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you have access to weed, the right type is more erotic than booze w/out the blurry vision, etc.

[–]bjenaan_reborn1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Weed is a good aphrodisiac for me personally

[–]red_philosopher2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Another guy her posted about how this situation is about as close to ideal as it gets, and it's still terrifyingly awful. Any lesser people would have had this marriage destroyed already. He's lucky, and so are you OP. Keep that in mind.

A few things I picked up ,(from the comments and threads that I have read so far) that will probably help you:

1) Respect your husband.

The Bible (oddly enough) says that men need to love their wives and women need to respect their husbands. It helps when the guy is naturally respectable, and you have been practicing a lot of things to help in this area. You mentioned that he'll jump through hoops to keep you happy, but it devolved into him asking you what you want, which turns you off. You may have inadvertently been disapproving of (aka, disrespecting) his choices, which lead to him ensuring he didn't make mistakes by asking you for your permission for everything. Literally start making/letting him make decisions, and be ok with every (reasonable) decision he makes. Eventually he'll start making them on his own again, as you'll be demonstrably happy when he does. Killing two birds with one stone.

2) Stay sober, and admit that you have a problem.

You said you weren't an alcoholic, but the truth is, you were/are. Your drinking habit has caused a significant behavioral issue that has now resulted in a serious problem within your marriage. You used alcohol to resolve/hide from a problem that you didn't know you had, and you can't honestly tell me that it's not tempting to go back to using to make things "better." You need therapy, and you need to find out why you are intimately walled-off and making your life, and consequently your husband's and children's lives more miserable as a result. Your post here gives me hope that you have the fortitude for self-improvement. Otherwise, this will devolve and get worse. The longer you wait, the worse it will get.

3) You feel guilty because you feel you have done something wrong.

You're lucky you have a husband who is willing to wait while you get your shit sorted out. The only thing you've done wrong, is hide your problem from your husband and attempt to solve the issue alone. I hate to say it, but if you are in this marriage for the long haul, then you need to start opening up and being honest with your husband about your problems. You need a plan to fix it, and you need to stick to it and get his support while you are undergoing the changes you need. You feel guilty because you are betraying yourself, your husband, and your marriage every time you try to keep your problem hidden. (Btw that sounds remarkably like an addict's behavioral pattern, don't you think?)

4) You panic when he touches you.

This probably hurts the most for you, because it's not what you want but it's what you've earned. You know how painful it is for men to be rejected physically by their wives. And you know how important it is to have a healthy sexual relationship with your husband. So when this happens, you know what it inevitably leads to if you don't get it fixed. You're afraid of hurting him, and that's admirable, but at the same time, the damage you are doing now, to yourself and to your marriage, may well soon be permanent. Get help. ASAP. All of these feelings you have are a result of your choices, nobody else's. You chose to drink, you chose to keep your problem hidden, you chose to betray yourself and your husband, and you chose not to get help when you quite literally needed it. Does that suck? Yes. Will it make you bad? Yes. Is that hard to hear? Yes. But you need to hear it so you can start taking responsibility for yourself and for your marriage.

Come clean to your husband. Tell him you have a problem and you need help, and that you are so grateful to have him in your life, because you know he'll be there for you while you fix it with him. The longer you wait, the worse it is going to be. For everyone involved.

[–]hudry772 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is your husband attractive? Is he fat? Make sure he is actually an attractive man before you go beating yourself up

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]Housewife247365[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, that was an informative book. My husband read it too.

[–]Andrea_Arlolski0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

TRP probably has some technical terms to describe this situation. The concept is that the cause is he doesn't focus on himself enough.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This isn't about your feelings.

[–]thenwhat0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This sounds like something you should seek professional help for. Presumably, you don't get completely wasted, so it's more likely that it's something in your head. Maybe the ritual part or something.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]organicsunshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Does he drink as well?

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

First question before I ask any others: Do you feel sexual attraction to ANY men when sober?

EDIT: I don't mean secret fantasies. Basically, what I'm getting at is, are you sexually inhibited in some way that you need the alcohol to allow you to feel/act sexually, or is it just something your husband lacks?

[–]TheBunk_TB0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Weird questions:

Does your husband have a good group of friends? Does he have activities that he likes to do by himself? I wish he could get read NMMNG or a book like that. Im not sure if he won't have a point where things start creating questions for him. Even decent men have their moments. I see some unhealthy things here and I worry about you both.

[–]Housewife247365[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

He hasn’t found his group yet since we’ve moved. He has been nose down into his work getting acclimated with a new job.

[–]TheBunk_TB0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Encourage him to find manly things to do with a friend, etc

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

As others said it maybe you have to be drunk because of having bad relationship with sex mentally. Is he overweight or something? It could be that he simply did let himself go. You wouldn't be one to blame in this case.

Also main thing i wanted to say. "wanting really hard" to do something goes in way of actually having desire to do it.
It creates paradox of sorts. Imagine trying really hard to fall a sleep. Fact that you are trying can keep you from actually falling a sleep. Or go back in school days you want really hard to study and get good grades, but due to wanting it desire to study you actually have lessens.
Where i am going at is actively try to not have sex with your husband. Just way you now have in your mind "He is my husband i always should want to have sex with him".
See will it produce different results.

Or maybe you two need to arrange way to make you feel sex is not always on table from his side. You cannot get it whenever you want. This too i find happens to be one of huge turn offs for many women. They don't want guy that will always jump on them whenever they want. They want it to be little bit unsure.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Men are only permitted to participate on RPW if they are first putting in time on TRP

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]werthtrillions-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I was in a long term relationship and felt the same way about him as you do your husband. And like you I felt guilty about it, I felt bad because I knew he didn't feel wanted, but my body rejected all of his advances (like physically, at one point I thought I might have vaginismus and then I thought oh I don't want to have sex with him because of that...WRONG!). I think it takes our minds (or at least mine) a long time to catch up to what our bodies are feeling. My bf eventually broke up with me (thank G-d), but I was nervous to start dating again because I thought I had vaginismus, turns out, it wasn't. It was just my bodies way of telling me, NOT HIM, you don't want HIM. So, I thought about it for a long time and realized that while I admired him, his intellect, his ambition, and found him physically attractive, I didn't respect him. He was always putting on a show when we were with others, and wearing a mask, that I realized at his core, he had NO idea who he was. And if he didn't know who he was, then how was I ever supposed to? He was a pseudo alpha because real alpha's are genuinely confident in themselves. His confidence was just a show. Apparently, my body knew this before my mind did. So, listen to what your body is telling you and ask "why." There's a reason, but you're the only one that can uncover what that reason is.

[–]Housewife247365[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you might be onto something regarding respect. I had respect for him in the beginning of our relationship, but it’s gone missing. I couldn’t say exactly when, but it’s been gone for many years. Having read several books on marriage I saw how my behavior was eroding his confidence. He has always been the type of guy who jumps through hoops to try and make me happy, but that became a kind of apathetic guy who asks me to tell him what I want him to do. It isn’t very attractive.

I’ve been working hard to cultivate respect again by acknowledging his good qualities and being grateful for who he is and the potential of who he could be. In the book FW it stresses the importance of admiration and respect and reflecting that back at your husband.

[–]organicsunshine-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It is over. Make it work the best you can but come to peace that a sexual relationship isn't in the cards unless something changes drastically. Alcohol was the the lubricant. It was never really there.

[–]hallie890 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can second this. My husband and I never had sex sober. 12 years later and we are separating as we have finally admitted the connection was just never there.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This isn't advice. Removed

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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