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My mother is uncomfortable with my traditional relationship

November 14, 2020

I (F26) am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend (M31). We have a very traditional relationship. We are choosing to abstain until marriage, not live together until marriage etc. It is more of a courtship to be honest.

We are both incredibly happy. More often than not I defer decisions to him. He is a great leader and looks after me very well. I don't control him, only let him know my thoughts in a polite way that is not confrontational.

The longer we are together, the more my feminist mom is starting to clue in on this dynamic and has been vocal to me in private that she does not approve and that I should be trying harder to lead the relationship instead of him.

It's shocking because for years she gave me a lot of redpill advice that I did not always listen to.

Now that I am, she has decided not to like it and find its uncomfortable that I don't try and be more "equal" in my relationship. I'm not sure how to tackle this since I still live with my family.

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Post Information
Title My mother is uncomfortable with my traditional relationship
Author Grand-Parking8916
Upvotes 131
Comments 62
Date November 14, 2020 2:25 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]lovelyllamas22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is some whole hearted and beautiful advice, and the reason why I LOVE this sub.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree that this is very insightful because there are so many details that we don't know about you, your past relationships or even you relationship to your parents. Especially if your mom is only raising this up in private with you and not being obstructionist about the relationship in general, it is worth at least having a hard look at the points she's raised. Also not saying that it's the case here, but sometimes people lean extra hard into TRP and unfortunately come off as a doormat or get taken advantaged of or at least that's how some who don't apply TRP strategies 100% or who take to it by instinct or upbringing instead of actively applying certain principles may perceive things.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

We met in May and he asked me to be his girlfriend/commit in July. We decided that we should know each other for 12 months before becoming engaged.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

God bless your union ( ◜‿◝ )♡

[–]Nandemodekiru17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Perhaps your mom is worried by how fast you two are going? May was not all that long ago. At the very least, it may look to her as if you are being swept away by NRE and aren’t thinking properly, so she’s asking you to have some sort of control. Of course, you know your relationship better than her, but it might be worth bringing this up to her to see where the concern actually lies.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She loves you and wants the best for you. It might be helpful to reassure her on the points that concern her, which aren't necessarily the ones she brings up.

Is she worried you'll be penniless if things go wrong? Tell her about your financial plans.

Is she worried you wouldn't leave if he was abusing you? Reassure her that you would keep yourself safe.

Is she worried you'll be unhappy? Talk to her about how you care for your emotions.

[–]NoFaithInThisSub2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She loves you and wants the best for you.

Except, what the mum is saying is not good for the relationship. Good intentions bad outcomes.

[–]tvapoangnoll23 points24 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Curious what your mother is saying, what are her concerns? You respect your boyfriend and follow his lead. What about respecting your mothers opinions? You don't need to follow her advice, but there actually might be wisdom in it. It comes from a good place! Especially if she gave you redpill advice in the past, I'm wondering what she sees you or him doing that makes her worried. Don't dismiss what she is saying, take it seriously, you might discover some blind spots. See what's useful for you and make changes if necessary, or don't if not. Your mother will be reassured when she finds that you are listening carefully and thinking about what she has said, even if you decide otherwise.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My parents have a very egalitarian marriage. They have been married for 30 years so obviously whatever they are doing is working for them. But sometimes my mom will be aggressive and try and take the lead.

She is concerned that if I don't have a more egalitarian marriage that I will be vulnerable to abuse or will become unhappy if my BF makes decisions for us that I dislike or are inconvenient for me.

[–]tvapoangnoll36 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Those are legitimate concerns. Her solution (an egalitarian marriage) might be different than yours, but she's right you should be wary that your man is not abusive or makes decisions that harm you. Maybe explain to her that you are still vetting him, to see if he fits the profile of a good leader that protects you and wants what best for you.

[–]cornycatlady40 points41 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My mom is the same way when I say I want to be a housewife 😆 it’s a generational thing. Don’t pay much mind

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]cornycatlady9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol aww

[–]Jules210610 points11 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

I recently commented on here, so many probably are already aware of me being a feminist.

I don't think waiting until marriage to have sex and living together is the worst you can do but marriage is a huge commitment compared to living together and problems will surface when you get married and start doing these things. You need to keep in mind that things might surface you never thought about before and that might be a deal breaker.

Are you willing to leave behind a marriage in case things go south? A lot of women hesitate to do that, so I guess that's why your mother's worried.

[–]Mewster18181 Star13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think there's way too much emphasis on the "need to test-drive" mentality. When you choose to put in the effort and work on a relationship things will work out for the best. For example, sex will get better as partners get more practice. There is no reason that it has to be perfect off the bat, nor that it won't end up being excellent later. Waiting makes no impact on the outcome.

As for living together, you do not have to live with someone to understand the way they live. Visiting each other's homes and getting to know each other can get 90% of this out in the open. Things might surface and be a deal breaker? Like what? This honestly sounds like you either did a poor job vetting your spouse or that you're looking for excuses for a way out, in which case why did you marry if you're looking for excuses? You can easily tell if someone is clean, responsible, and has similar values without having to jump into cohabitation and sexual relations prior to marriage.

Also as a side note, while there's nothing wrong with you being feminist, it is directly against the rules should you start spouting feminist theory on this sub. The reason why it's going to create conflict is because this space is specifically intended to be for trad-con women's relationship advice and opinions, if feminist opinions were wanted then we could just go to the many other women's subs available. (It is also against the rules to suggest divorce without alternative options being given or discussed.)

[–]Jules21064 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have no intention of talking about my feminist ideals, I definitely respect the fact that some women want more traditional lives. That's totally okay with me.

I already explained this in another comment but cohabitation can turn out very different than dating, even when you spend a lot of time of time together. It might not what you imagine at all.

Regardless of your personal beliefs, you should be ready to leave if you feel like it's not what you want.

[–]LocalReligionMajor2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't understand why this advice keeps being given out, despite the studies which show that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced. (Though some studies find cohabiting couples are less likely than their peers to get divorced within the first year of marriage. But after that first year, the trend switches).

[–]Jules21060 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this is an interesting point because while it is true, no one can really, definitely explain why.

I'm with the theory that it just becomes a sunk cost fallacy after a certain point because I've seen this with friends. You live together so the next logical thing is to get married, without second thought.

Still, you shouldn't neglect that first year! I'm only giving out this advice as a different perspective as to why OP's mom might be worried.

Being led shouldn't be following blindly and you shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness if things aren't working out the way you thought they would. It's definitely going to be a culture shock.

[–]Tadpole-Jealous3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Barring anything extreme like abuse, what would constitute a dealbreaker to leave a marriage that you can’t find out while in a courtship?

During the courtship you get to know each other’s beliefs, life plans, etc. So when you take the vows you then in it to win it kinda thing.

[–]Jules21067 points8 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Messiness, frequency of sex, emotional support, financial disagreements or one partner changing for example.

It's not that these things don't come up while dating/courting, it's more that what you think is realistic might not end up being realistic in hindsight.

People tend to be way more optimistic about their habits than what actually happens in their lives. I think very few couples who decide to get married actually discover deal breakers later on but if it happens, you need to be in the clear mentally.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Messiness is a divorce worthy deal breaker? Dang.

[–]Jules21065 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I mean if it's something that causes you to be resentful? I think so as resentment kills marriage.

I just used it as an example, it's not a personal deal breaker for me tbh.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Resentment kills a marriage... But a healthy marriage will be able to handle things and avoid resentment. If you're not able to manage and avoid resentment, you're not ready for marriage

[–]Jules21065 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

That I actually agree with!

But some things aren't resolvable, even if you want things to work. That's totally okay and you should accept it if it happens for, that's all I want to say.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Right, but none of your examples (barring maybe 'people changing') is something that can't be resolved by two committed people with compatible views of marriage.

It's fine if that's your personal approach to marriage, that it's not worth changing/working on resolvable issues, but that's clearly not how OP sees it.

If you're committed to a traditional, lifelong marriage, with a courting period beforehand, then you're going to need to a) work harder to ensure you're compatible on the real deal breakers (religion, children, finances), and b) be more willing to address the hard stuff when it comes up. That's my approach (and I'll flag here that I'm a leftist, atheist feminist, so don't assume that's it's just that I'm super conservative).

It sounds like your and OP's marriage philosophies are very different.

[–]Jules21063 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, probably. I'm just mentioning it because OP's mom probably sees it similarly and I think OP would benefit from hearing the thought process behind it so she and her mom don't lose each other over this.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hmm, that's an interesting thought. So how would you suggest OP outline her approach to her mother?

[–]ZookeepergameFit388713 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Mods if this breaks the rules of the sub please remove.

You being very religious why not bring up the Bible to your mother? The Bible is very clear that wifes should submit to hubby in all things (Ephesians 5). If you are religious she will understand that you interpret the Bible differently and that's ok.

EDIT: Just saw that your Catholic. You can also bring up Arcanum Divinae, Casti Canubi. There are many papal encyclicals detailing the wife/husband relationship

[–]Reddit-Book-Bot4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]lovelyllamas1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good bot

[–]tirednurse9696 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You definitely have a bit of flexibility as to how this is going to be handled. How long have you been together for? When do you planned on getting married? At 26 years old, depending on how you answered the previous questions, this could be a great time to plan for moving forward with your life. You could move into a small apartment solo or with roommates. If you are planning on getting married in a year, then you can grin and bear this for a little bit with encouragement from your SO until you are married and living together. It all depends on where you are at.

As for your mother, you can love her dearly, but when you move out, her say will have little reign in how your couple operates, just as you don’t judge or moralize her relationships either. When she starts with whatever judgment is concerning, share your heart with her. Tell her that you are “so happy”, that this relationship “feels so great”, and then move on with the weather. People need to earn the right to speak into your relationship, including your parents. She doesn’t just have the right to all the details of your love life. Without respect for how you two choose to operate as a couple, she gets to sit out of the inner details of how you found this joy.

So your goal, at 26 years old, should be to figure out how to move out.

[–]anonymouscausefuckU1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Moms are stubborn. Feminist moms in particular. Just hold your head high and be confident that you are making the right decisions (you absolutely are)

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Smile and nod and do your own thing. “Please respect my agency and autonomy and let me find my own happiness” is a good line too.

[–]MinutesTilMidnight1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The thing some feminists don’t understand (as a feminist) is that the feminist movement gave women the power to choose. Just because a woman chooses to be a housewife doesn’t mean she is degrading herself. It’s like any other job. It’s a choice. It’s about what you want from life.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Shes your mom, shes gonna have opinions i dont know why this is so hard for you to deal with. shes looking out for u shes not threatening you jus talking. sorry hon not everyone is gonna agree with u also world isnt a fairytale she wants u to be equal so u can support urself emotionally and finacially if something goes wron in ur relationship

[–]Internetmomo3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Did your parents divorce recently, or are they having marital problems? Maybe she deferred to your dad for years and now she’s realizing it was a mistake and is projecting her insecurities onto you.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Parents are still married. We are Catholic, so divorce isn't a thing for us.

[–]VanderLinde60001 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hard to swallow Red Pill truth: Women tend to try to ruin each others relationships, even your own family members.

Your girlfriends trying to sway you to their party life and that monogamy is limiting yourself, that one jealous friend, who tells you, that you can do better or that your man has certain flaws, that she would find unacceptable etc.

State your position very clearly. You're happy this way and your happiness should be her ultimate goal as well, if she doesn't respect that, become a little distant and wait for further reaction on her side to then act appropriately.

If your mother stands against your genuine luck, you don't need her in your life. Be as drastic as you must in such matters, for if you don't, you will be regretting it. If your mother is a good person and a good mother, she will see to her behavior and leave your decisions to you.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So I'm not going to pretend that the crabs in a bucket mentality isn't a problem among women, but it doesn't necessarily apply in this case. This might just be a mother who is genuinely concerned about her daughter submitting herself to a man she doesn't know well, and wishing she would keep a backbone so that she doesn't get taken advantage of or abused.

[–]_These-are-beans_1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Doesn't matter what she's comfortable with, you're in the relationship, not her. If you and him are happy, then leave it alone.

[–]SamathaStevens0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I saw a quote awhile ago (I am sorry I don't know who said it) ,it said "don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from". It doesn't sound like you want your parents marriage so why would you listen to their advice on what to do to achieve that? Find what you want for your life and follow the steps to get there.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I really did not expect so many comments on this post. Thank you to all who gave kind and constructive advice to my situation.

I ended up speaking with my mom as a result. The TLDR version was that the life I am choosing for myself is not what she envisioned as I am choosing to live much more conservatively than she has. Pretty basic mom worry stuff to be honest. I assured her that my boyfriend and I do speak about big life decisions together and that I do not go unheard in my relationship even if that is what it seems like on the outside.

I just choose not to publicly have discussions with him or raise any concerns about his decisions in front of other people out of respect. When I have an issue or a sense a problem, he certainly hears about it. Just behind closed doors.

Small edit: This is not my mom's style of communicating and is not shy to let my dad have it when she is unconvinced about his decisions about something. So for my mom to see me do something different is strange for her since she is so outspoken.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]JadedByEntropy9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Advice without listening is blind and unhelpful. "They have no idea what they are talking about."

[–][deleted]  (17 children) | Copy Link


[–]Buckley9236 points37 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Why do men come on here and give awful advice? Rushing into marriage before you know your partner properly in case he gets 'tempted by other women' is terrible advice. A cheater will still cheat, married or not. Stupidest thing I ever heard.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My BF is the one who brought up abstaining. He is deeply religious, even more than me. I wasn't expecting we would plan to wait until marriage. But that is what we decided after having many conversations about it. Conversations he initiated.

I am not worried about infidelity. I don't like living with paranoia.

[–]Mewster18181 Star13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You do not need to be paranoid. That was terrible, and honestly sexist, advice. Even non-religious men have full control over themselves and can exercise restraint.

[–]mensahi4114 points15 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

But it's not doable otherwise, especially in nowadays cultural environment where your BF will get tempted by other women,

If he is as great as OP said then this shouldn't be a problem

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so dumb. I met my now husband as a virgin even though he had been with tons of women before, including threesomes and crap.

He is disgusted by his old lifestyle and is dedicated to me. He waited for a long time for me. We didn't have sex until we had committed before God and moved in together.

Its been 15+ years now of fidelity.

Waiting until marriage is a GREAT way to weed out guys who don't suit your standards. He knew it was worth it to wait for a good partner for life.

Obviously don't try this with someone who doesn't share your values, but why are you with them anyway?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

OP said they are both very happy, who are you to tell her it won’t last?

[–]DrBoby0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm the one reading her post. She said her mother is uncomfortable and obviously it's annoying her to listen her mother say that.

The only advice to give is to move out of her mother's home.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

They are both very happy with the state of their relationship. So the only solution to her mother being annoying is to get married right away? LMAO

[–]DrBoby0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

She is living with her mother. So they are "both" not happy. Both as in her mother and her. That's the main "both", the everyday "both", that's the "both" actually living together.

The 2 main solutions to her mother being annoying is to either leave or endure. Leaving is idiot for many reasons, unless she go to live with her BF but she doesn't want until she get married. Endure is doable, but not for a long time. So yes the best advice is to tell her this uncomfortable situation will simply continue until she marry.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

By "they" I meant her and her boyfriend.

Anyway you've completely moved goalposts. If you really think standing up to her mother or holding her ground isn't an option, and the only thing to do is jump into marriage after 5 months, fine. However in your comment you were not focusing on that at all, but were inventing scenarios about him being "tempted by other women" and their relationship not being doable, which was not pertinent at all because OP said her and her boyfriend are happy with the arrangement.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Please stick to giving advice on the men's subs as per our rules.

[–]AngusKirk-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe she's just jealous. Bob and weave. If stuff go extreme, consider /r/justnofamily

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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