~ archived since 2018 ~

My SO is dead

May 26, 2014

He was killed over the weekend in a boating accident. I'm sorry for this not really being red pill but I've really grown to appreciate this community and it'd be good to have your support.

I feel so lost and scared. He was my whole world. There was never anything officially said but it was understood that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. Things were going so great too, we were just starting to really build our life together and we had so many things we wanted to do together. He was so happy and excited for the future.

I don't feel like doing anything because it's all stuff we did together and it's not the same without him. Even all my other friends were always more fun with him. He was my very best friend, and the closest relationship I've ever had with anyone. We would stay up all night just talking and no matter what was wrong, he always made me feel like everything would be ok. Just the sight of him made me so happy, and we had such an understanding. We always knew what the other was talking about with just a few words and could laugh together about things we had just overheard.

I really have no direction or goals now. All my plans were centered around being with him. I don't want anything now.

He would have been the only person who could have helped me deal with this grief, but he's the one I'm grieving for instead. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him and sometimes I still can't believe I'll never see his mischievous smile again.

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Post Information
Title My SO is dead
Author scallopkid
Upvotes 137
Comments 45
Date May 26, 2014 1:54 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

That's really messed up. One thing I've found is that in close relationships, there's always going to be a hole where that person is supposed to be, and while time will help it be less painful there is absolutely no point in the idea of healing that sense of a hole in existence. I've seen a high school friend, and would-be father in his twenties in an open casket, and the memories of that will be with me for life; and even though my grandma is dead, I prefer to feel like she is still alive somewhere. Men and women are both human beings, and its never healthy for a human being to become completely nihilistic about life, so at the least don't forget all the other close platonic relationships you have and what your life means to those people.

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor[S] 8 points9 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Do you think it was better to see him in the open casket? I'm not sure if the funeral will be open casket but right now I really feel like I need to see the body for myself, to help it sink in.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

When my wife passed away I wasn't there so I didn't actually see her until the viewing at the funeral home. Prior to that I kept having this irrational hope that it was all a mistake and she would just show up all confused as to why we were upset. Actually seeing her body helped me get past that, IDK how I would have been able to handle things in the long run without seeing the body. TLDR: Yes It deff helped to see the body.

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He is being cremated but I was able to go to an informal viewing at the funeral home yesterday. No makeup or anything which I was glad for. It was sad to see his face without the spark it always had in life. But I do think it helped it to sink in that he is gone. When I look at pictures of him now I don't feel like he could have just sent them to me and is sitting in his room waiting for me to come over anymore. It feels like looking at older pictures of him, like that person doesn't exist anymore.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree with /u/Grumpi83 and /u/Class-Punk, I had the same thing happen when my best friend (and cousin) hanged himself...that irrational hope that it's all just a silly mistake is very very real, in my experience. Seeing the body really helped.

The next few days/weeks are going to be very weird...a week from now, you will probably feel like a month has passed. You will find yourself weeping in one moment, and laughing hysterically the next.

Grief will hit you like the waves of a stormy sea...right now the waves are high, crashing into you from all directions to the point where you can hardly see straight. As time goes on, the waves will become lower and less frequent...but every so often, a memory crosses your mind, and a wave hits you completely out of nowhere.

Months, even years from now, you will be mostly back to normal, only to have a wave of grief wash over you at the most unexpected time. But even these waves will grow smaller and less frequent as time goes on.

All I can really say is, don't be afraid to grieve, to let it out. It will get better, but it will never be quite the same...time heals all wounds, but not all scars.

Edit: I just visited his grave yesterday for the first time in 9 years...had one more wave hit me, even though it's been years now

[–]hatchettrydar 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Perfectly put. I have nothing to add except that all of this is absolutely true. It will never be the same, but it will get easier to live with.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you need to see the body, try contacting his family. I'm not sure how close you are to them, but you should definitely reach out to them. Support one another. It may help to be around other people that feel this loss as keenly as you do.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

With my friend I was unemployed at the time and drank alcohol and smoked pot for two days straight to get the image out of my head, because even though he looked like he was just sleeping, it affected me much more than what I thought it would. I cope better with detachment and dislike visitations. I think whether there's an open casket is a matter of differing personalities, and what would help a person cope the most.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Scallopkid, We, as a community, want you to know that we are here for you. I realize there's not all that much we can do, except offer you our love and support.

There are grief communities available where you can talk to other people dealing with the loss of a loved one online, or if you prefer, you can attend local group meetings.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, so be patient with yourself. There will come a moment where you are able to relax and enjoy yourself, even if only for a brief moment - many people feel extremely guilty that they let go of their pain for even a few minutes. If this happens at any point (tomorrow, or a few months from now), please don't beat yourself up. There is no "right" way to grieve, but if you can find one thing that anchors you and gives you some sense of peace - pursue it daily. Whether that's listening to a certain song, watching a movie, running, or reading a small activity that allows you to be calm for a little while.

Don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family, and be honest about how you're feeling, don't try to be brave just because other people expect you to keep a stiff upper lip.

We all wish you the best, and want you to know that we're here for you - always.

[–]sugarcrushEndorsed Contributor 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for you, scallopkid. I don't have any experience with this so I can't give you any advice, but please feel free to pm me if you ever need to vent at someone.

[–]eatplaycrushEndorsed Contributor 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

My SO and I have spoken about what if this happens to him. The only thing in life that is guaranteed is death. I am sorry for your loss because I can imagine how much your heart hurts, but you need to be strong for yourself and for him. I doubt he would want you sulking around unable to do things because of his death, I doubt he would want you to be scared, and I do think he would want you to celebrate the life he did get to live out and enjoy rather then mope around and think only about the life you two were going to have together.

It isn't a great subject to talk about with your partner, but it needs to be spoken of whenever you decide to become serious about a life together.

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It was only two days ago and I know it takes time but I don't even know what to want, I no longer have any goals I care about.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Omg sweetie I'm so sorry. Just hugs don't know what else to say

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you Dana

[–]StingrayVC 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss, scallopkid.

I can't know what you're going through but I think I would be the same in regards to goals and not knowing what you want. For a period of time, I think this is perfectly ok. You need to heal and process. Try to keep some friends around as Tempest said above as, while this is perfectly fine for a time, it would be very easy to keep on going this way. Your SO would not want that of you.

[–]kekerae 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am terribly sorry for your loss. My family has experienced a sudden death and it is awful and we miss them but with time we have had many new and good experiences despite wishing they were here with us to enjoy them.

Do not hesitate to seek out grief counseling in your area, group or alone.

Again, I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That is the worst thing I could imagine ever possibly happening. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh my god. Excuse me while I wipe away these tears. You poor girl. I can't even begin to understand your paid, I can't imagine this happening to me. I am going to go hug my SO I am so sorry for your loss.

[–]TempestTcup 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I' m so sorry for your loss; this is such an awful thing to happen. Try to be strong and not let the loss take over your life. There will be a lot happening in the next few days and a lot of support, but then after the funeral this will slow down, and that is when your loss will hit the hardest. Be prepared for that.

Make future plans with friends when you see them this week, so that you don't have too much alone time in the next few months. Let them know that you need their support because people, especially young people, tend to shy away from those who have had someone close to them die because they don't know what to say. If they know that you need them, they will be there for you. You will need them for love and support, but mainly you will need them to keep you busy and distract you from your grief in the next few months; don't be afraid to ask for help.

I wish you the best in life, and again, I'm incredibly sorry for your loss.

[–]sierrasechoEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am so sorry. There are no words someone can share that will make what you are going through any easier. Lean on the people you love now. They will be your best supports. All the best, and I hope you can pull through this.

[–]box_cutter_ 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss. <3 Big bear hug

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mourn, let go, accept it happened for a reason, love and trust the world again. Don't fight the pain, express it. Don't fight the universe, forgive it

[–]margerym 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wish I had something I could say that would help, that would make everything right. All I have is how sorry I am. My heart is absolutely broken for you. Please feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk or yell at someone or anything. I wish I could offer more.

[–]little_red_ 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We love you scallopkid! I understand words here will have good intentions but won't really have the desired effect of truly comforting you. Most of us know the heartache of a breakup but I cannot begin to fathom what you are handling. Time is the great healer, but for now just comfort yourself with everything he's given to you, the way in which he's helped you grow as an individual. So many hugs sent your way, scallop <3

[–]MeowMistiDawn 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Im so sorry for your lose. I cant even imagine the pain you feel. <3 <3 <3

[–]DelphineSerafine1 Star 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

[–]stillnoturday 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry for your loss, however I think he would want you to find the strength to be happy. I know its really soon right now but I hope you can get to a place that you can find a way.

[–]valleycupcake 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

[–]Femme_Murican 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Noo honey omg I am so sorry, that is horrible, I can't even imagine how I would feel. You will be in my prayers tonight, I am so sorry about your loss.

[–]Nicanooni 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for your loss! I can't imagine what you're going through right now. You're in my thoughts and sending hugs your way!

[–]TheToastTotEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be strong.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Deeply sorry for your loss. Massive hugs.. Not enough words to express the sadness and wish to comfort you through this.

[–]menina_idealista 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry. There's nothing I can say that would even scratch the surface of what you need right now. If you feel sometime that you need to just hear someone's voice and pour your heart out over the phone, feel free to message me, maybe we can set up a tinychat and just talk.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very sorry for your loss.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for your loss, dear. I lost multiple family members over the last few years, but I really don't know what I would do without my SO. Although I can understand what you're going through slightly, I don't think I can fully understand that kind of pain of losing someone you were that close to.

If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I've been through the process before, so I can try to be of help.

Once again, I'm very sorry for your loss. hugs

[–]DanteAmaya 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The most important thing you can focus on is your grief. Grieving is important because there is nothing else in this world that will measure up to how much you lost. You take your time. You can only do what you CAN do; the rest will only wait.

I'm truly sorry. This is an awful event for anyone to work through. You're in my thoughts.

[–]theurbanlotus 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This is all so new, it is totally normal for you to feel completely lost and disoriented. It's wonderful that you're reaching out for support. Keep doing that! When you're ready, a grief counselor or support group could also be a great help. You're not alone!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry for your loss. We are all here for you. I've lost someone close and it hurts terribly, beyond words. The wound heals eventually but the scar remains. That scar is a reminder of the love between you. Its a reason to keep going.

[–]UrNameIsToby 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

There is nothing to say that will make you feel alright, because it isn't alright. It is wrong that he passed. It is wrong that he is no longer there.

Your life will go on, and it will eventually be good. That doesn't mean you will ever feel ok about his passing, just simply that you will eventually be able to accept that the world is not fair, and that if one of us die, we want our loved ones to continue to live. That's what he would want you to do. There's nothing wrong with that.

In the meantime, mourn his loss. He clearly was a great man, and it is only appropriate that you're grieving.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. That's really how I'm feeling. Like this shouldn't have happened. He is supposed to still be here. Especially since it was such a chance accident. There were so many things that had to line up for him to be killed. I just keep thinking this is wrong.

[–]soloshambawam 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Really sorry to hear that.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I know you meant well, but your comment was not on topic and it reads as unaware and insensitive.

[–]Hannah591 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not good at writing things down the way I mean them and it causes so much confusion. I'm far from insensitive in this, I was welling up! Sorry anyway.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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