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Need RPW advice about my situation

February 11, 2017
3 upvotes

OK ladies, I've got a very complex situation here...grab some popcorn if you wish to listen.

So I live in a foreign country, and I met my boyfriend about a year ago. We connect extremely well and share a lot of common goals and life/family values. He's of another culture.

When we met, he was struggling a bit in his career, but I didn't realize how much he was struggling because he kept quiet. I knew he was working pretty hard and I respected him for it. I tried to contribute by nurturing him (sex, cooking, relaxation) while he would take me out.

Long story short, back in November he had a serious problem with his job and he decided to resign. However, here's the twist - you can only live in the country with a work visa, so he had to deport himself back to his home country, and due to the job situation he can never come back to the country (can't get into details).

In my eyes he is a good man, he comes from a country where the economy is floundering and he learned English to try to find a better economic situation for himself. He made a big mistake in his last job, it's partly his fault but the main fault was he didn't understand the culture of the people we are dealing with.

He's a very hard worker, he keeps his word to me, he's very loving to me, and he's working really hard to make his economic situation better although it will take a few years until it will be stable. However, right now he is financially unstable, for various reasons (one being his partner was untrustworthy and didn't pay his salary in the last job for the last few months).

Being that he's financially unstable and cannot come visit me due to the situation, I went to visit him in his home country back in December. He was wonderful to me and I met his brother, but he didn't bring me to meet his parents. In his culture (and also mine), a relationship has to be very serious until you bring them back to your parents.

He's found a job in another country, however it's a developing country but the salary is quite good. It's his dream job. He hasn't gotten the plane ticket yet, but he's currently working on some entrepreneurial projects to keep busy and have more options for himself (he's incredibly smart and hardworking and managed to build up a network for himself).

OK, so now onto us. He's mentioned that if I were moved with him to the new country, his salary is high enough to provide for the both of us. However, he wants to make sure his job can be stable enough before he can promise this to me - and I understand that. I have an arts job where I would need a provider in nearly all the countries in the world, but right now I got lucky and have a cushy position.

So here's where it gets tricky. I'm going to visit him again tomorrow night, but now I'm starting to feel unsure for many reasons. I'm worried if he doesn't take me to meet his parents on this second visit, he doesn't see me serious enough for marriage material and I've just wasted my time. It's also hurtful for me because I feel like I'm his "dirty secret," like good enough to be a girlfriend but not good enough to meet his parents. Last time I visited, he said his parents knew I was in town but I don't know how much they exactly know. His mom did send some food for us though, haha.

Also, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit resentful because now this is the second time I'm using my money to visit him - and unfortunately he can't visit me in my country because of his past job situation, and even if I asked him to meet me in my home country, he wouldn't be able to immediately because of money and once he begins his new job, he needs to invest his time in the job for a while. We have discussed him coming back home with me in the future, but I also made it clear that I couldn't bring him back home to my parents unless we were considering marriage. On his end, he hasn't outright said anything but I have a feeling he feels he can't take me back to his parents until he's financially stable which means he can promise me a future together, which is also understandable.

Our plan right now is waiting to see how his job goes in the new country, then I'll consider moving, except I can't quit my job and move for a man without marriage.

As for me as a girlfriend - he tells me I'm perfect, I respect and appreciate him, I'm pretty cheerful, loving, nurturing, domestic, supportive, and I give him so many blowjobs his dick is tired. He says he loves who I am and he acknowledges we're an incredible match.

I'm just tearing my hair out as to what to do. Should I stick by my compassion for a man I love, even though he can't "court" me for a while (he can't visit or think about commitment) and risk him taking advantage of me (me spending my money to visit him and take care of his needs without commitment)? Or should I take the signs (him not introducing me to his parents, him unable to visit me) to mean he's not serious about me?

I'm not saying I'm unwilling to contribute to this relationship. I have a lot already, but it feels one-sided because he needs to concentrate on himself now and for a while.

tldr; it's up to me to chase my boyfriend around because of his financial and job situation, and I'm feeling unsure because I feel like he should be the one to make an effort on me because that means he really wants me in his life. However, I'm compassionate about his situation and I acknowledge and appreciate how hard he's working because I know he's doing it to support a future family. However, I'm unsure that future family is with me because he hasn't taken me to meet his parents, which also ties back to his job situation.

tldr2; I respect and love this man but he needs to take care of himself financially before he can think about taking care of me. I love him but I'm also 28 and feel like I'm running out of time. My fear is that if I wait for him to get his situation under control and find out he doesn't see me as a wife, then I've basically just plated myself and wasted precious time.

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Post Information
Title Need RPW advice about my situation
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 3
Comments 20
Date February 11, 2017 9:33 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/need-rpw-advice-about-my-situation.86958
https://theredarchive.com/post/86958
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5tho36/need_rpw_advice_about_my_situation/
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Comments

[–]radioactivities910 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He sounds like he's very concerned about behaving honorably towards you and keeping his word to provide. Frankly, reading your story about him was very heart-warming. Just a comment on what it looks like from the outside.

Sometimes us women let our fears for our security get the better of following our hearts. That much I know.

Has he given you any indication he wants to date other women?

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Has he given you any indication he wants to date other women?

No, I'm 100% sure he's only interested in me, and he's also mentioned that I'm "out of the game" meaning I don't need to worry about trying to find another man.

He sounds like he's very concerned about behaving honorably towards you and keeping his word to provide. Frankly, reading your story about him was very heart-warming. Just a comment on what it looks like from the outside.

Thank you, this is something lovely to hear, especially coming from an outsider's POV. Sometimes your head and heart is so deep that I can't really evaluate the situation. That's also something I respect him for, he wants to do a good job and do it right.

[–]Willow-girl5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Our plan right now is waiting to see how his job goes in the new country, then I'll consider moving, except I can't quit my job and move for a man without marriage.

I think that's a good plan. You should definitely hold out for marriage under those circumstances! Also, if he doesn't introduce you to his parents during this next visit, I'd see it as a major red flag.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Also, if he doesn't introduce you to his parents during this next visit, I'd see it as a major red flag.

This is what I'm feeling too. I just don't know how to deal with the situation if it turned out that he still doesn't take me to meet his parents. I obviously don't want to whine or scream about it. I was thinking of just telling him "it feels like you're not serious about me because I haven't met your parents still, and I feel very hurt." I don't think that's an ultimatum, just telling him how I feel?

[–]Willow-girl5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe be proactive? Ask him ahead of time, "Will I be meeting your parents while I'm visiting?" Give him time to set something up if he's inclined.

[–]radioactivities91 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe he's just nervous about that meeting. I'm fucking nervous about introducing anyone to my matronly and matriarchal mother lol!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think what you plan to say is good. You're bringing him your problem.

[–]Gardrothard6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He sound like a good an honorable man, and you putting a bit more effort now will not go to waste. He sounds like someone who will not forget that you trusted him and won't abuse it.

Having faith in your man isn't about being there when everything is roses and rainbows, it's situations like this that are a real test. The questions this lies on are- Is he a good and honorable man who will appreciate that loyalty? Is he a good captain who will make it out of this situation?

The answer to both of this is a strong yes based on what you wrote.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He does come from a culture of honor to the family, as do I. We both take duty to our families very seriously. So making a next step would be very meaningful.

It's true marriages will go through hardships, and it's good for me to see how he deals with his situation as well.

[–]charlotteplusplus4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What about asking if he would be comfortable introducing you to his parents?

This will tell you a lot of things at once.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There is nothing wrong with you wanting a little clarification on the future of your relationship before you uproot to another country. I would talk to him about it.

[–]RedPillWonder2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This.

Don't make a decision of this importance based on "think so's" or "I'm pretty sure" etc. As much as possible, KNOW. You two sound like you have a good relationship, and sitting down and talking about everything at length (again and again, if necessary, to be sure) is always encouraged.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What do you see as a long term situation?

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You mean what we would like for our future? Ideally, if his job goes well, I'd visit him and see how it is, then considering all goes well we'd get married and I'd move there. I would freelance for a bit under his provision until we can start a family together.

[–]Jayms1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It sounds like you're way overthinking this! You're worried and in your head. Do you love him? How would your life be if you split up with him? Is this someone you want to be with and build a life together?

Also, try to put yourself in his situation and how he's feeling after losing his job, not being able to get back in the country to visit the woman he loves, having financial difficulties, etc. Can you imagine the pressure he must be under?

It's not out of place to have a conversation about your concerns, but I'd suggest to use "I" statements and tell him your concerns and what you'd like to happen. Then wait and see what he decides.

You've also mentioned that you can't take him to meet your parents unless you're considering marriage, yet you're upset that you haven't met his. Perhaps he can't even begin to contemplate marriage when things are so unstable. And maybe he gets pressure from his family too. I'd be kind yet assertive and express your desires and then be patient. You'll never know if this relationship can work unless you try and things are so unstable right now that it's hard to tell. Then again, it's up to you if you feel time is ticking and you need to get married ASAP and no one can decide that for you.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, try to put yourself in his situation and how he's feeling after losing his job, not being able to get back in the country to visit the woman he loves, having financial difficulties, etc. Can you imagine the pressure he must be under?

Perhaps he can't even begin to contemplate marriage when things are so unstable.

Yes and this is why I'm being very compassionate about his situation because I understand his pressure. And I'm not getting good advice from my some girlfriends - they keep saying "oh he should fight for you" or "he can still bring you to his parents even if he's jobless, I don't see what the problem is." I feel like I can't even discuss my situation with anyone because they don't understand the severity of his situation, and they don't understand why I'm being so nice and forgiving about him. They're looking at me like "Why bother with someone who got himself (and you) into this situation?"

You'll never know if this relationship can work unless you try and things are so unstable right now that it's hard to tell.

Yes, this is the problem, and why I'm so anxious!!!

It sounds like you're way overthinking this! You're worried and in your head. Do you love him? How would your life be if you split up with him? Is this someone you want to be with and build a life together?

Yeah I am definitely way over thinking this! Even he's telling me to relax and basically allow him to control the situation. I guess that's part of surrendering. I do love him, when I'm with him in person or talk to him on the phone I realize how much I love him. The distance is not easy because my hamster is running a marathon. That's why I decided to go and visit him again instead of taking other women's advice which is "make him visit you and work for you" even though he's broke as hell.

I don't have any questions about his ability to handle situations because I've seen him fight for himself. It's not a question of if he's capable or not. I'm just anxious he's just stringing me along and/or "settling" for me instead of chasing/courting the woman of his dreams and had his eyes on as a wife.

[–]RedPillWonder1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

First, your relationship is good and I think it's best to err on the side of protecting it and doing your best to make it work. I'm sure everything will work out for ya'll.

That said, you can say something along the lines of "If you think it's appropriate, I'd love to meet your parents when I come visit." and get his reaction.

Because if in his mind, it has to be you and no one else, I'd think (even with his culture) he'd take you to meet them. As you noted, it has to be serious before you meet them. Well, if he's made up his mind that's only you for marriage, and the only thing keeping you two from that is finances, why not meet them?

It's basically, hey mom and dad, this is the woman I'm going to marry, it's only a matter of time and finances.

But maybe their culture demands financial support even before meeting the parents.

For you, can you imagine your life without him? If you can't or it's extremely hard to, do everything you can make this work, as I'm sure you will. If you can (or vice versa, if he can) and it's more a "hey, you're great and we really get along, but yeah I could see myself with someone else although I don't want that to happen" then...

It's tough to justify a move like this without marriage. You've mentioned before how good your job is and how lucky you are. That's great! Trade it for marriage, sure, and do everything you can to support him and your life together, but I'd be very sure about the marriage thing before moving to another country and giving up as much as you will be.

And while a good chunk of this may come across as causing doubts, my final advice is err on the side of the relationship. Don't give it up so easily and fight for it, but make sure you're getting marriage in return. And I don't mean years down the road. See if there's a happy middle ground between "maybe married 'x' years from now" vs "break off this relationship."

All the best to you!

[–]turok2810 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are overthinking this. You say that in your culture introducing your girl to your parents it's like a done deal basically. Well if i were your boyfriend i would definitely get in a financially stable position before introducing you to my parents (assuming the great importance you place on meeting the parents). One think at a time. Financial stability first, thinking about marriage later.

p.s. You should talk to your boyfriend. Don't give subtle hints, don't give obvious hints, just tell him.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are overthinking this.

Thanks, I needed to hear this!

[–]CleburnCO-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is going to largely depend on what "country" you are talking about.

There is a world of difference in say...getting a job somewhere in the EU and getting a job in West Africa.

Cross cultural relationships add layers of difficulty that can get better or worse with time.

It isn't good or bad...it is just reality. Things like kids...which culture do they learn? It won't be both, at least not in reality. Which religion...

Get divorced...which country do they end up in? What happens when mom/dad decides not to return them after a visit?

Just things to be aware of.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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