Hello, I'm 19y and was just painfully unplugged from the feminist phase. It was very hard but now I am so lost now. From a very young age I have been fed the idea that I needed to be independent and strong in order to gain respect in society. My Mother died when I was 14 which lead to me becoming emotionally numb, hard and emotionally stable as in never being vulnerable and emotionally open with people because I needed to solve my problems by myself and no one could do it for me. I grew up with my father and didn't have any good motherly figure to guide me through alot of things moms usually teach their girls like being kind and graceful , cooking or whatever which resulted in me trying to imitate my father who was very masculine and driven and independent etc. My father is a good man but he was not very helpful when it came to emotionally supporting me and he constantly criticized me for my inability to be professional and strong hence in order to make him happy I pursued that path more, Resulting in a your typical feminist attitude. I started dressing very tomboyish and looked down on the girly girls. I thought they were stupid. I never had many close girlfriends except a few who were with me since high school. I found it easier to be friends with the guys. People respect me and think Im genuinely smart and we enjoy intellectual conversations but I feel my feministic ways have ruined and prevented me in having a relationship. I know for a fact that I am quite attractive and smart and perfectly capable of attracting a guy but years of down playing my feminine side as it was seen as a sign of weakness has rendered me incapable of even getting into a relationship. There is this need for me to be in constant control and to be vulnerable is extremely hard because of the fear. I've been in a relationship but never been with anyone. Trying to make friends with other girl has become extremely hard. I've slowly stopped hanging out and trying to be one of the guys.I want to make a gradual transition but I know for someone like me anything feminine would be drastic. I was wondering if I could get some help on this because I'm pretty hopeless at all this and I feel here is somewhere I can talk to people about this and not be mocked or humiliated. And help on how to make more female friends and interact with them. Feminism made me more sharp and quick and constantly improving myself in a manly way and it gave me a certain amount of power which I did enjoy. Is it possible to still have that and be feminine?. Please, as small as you're advise maybe, do share them. Anything at this point is a great help.