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Online Dating with Purpose Part 2: The Golden Ticket Idea

June 16, 2020
94 upvotes

Setting Your Initial Search Criteria

As we established in Part 1, the purpose of online dating is to cast a wide net. The more open-minded you can be in terms of your search criteria, the more success you will have. This is more than just changing the settings in your account-- you have to be open-minded and broaden the criteria you’re holding onto in your soul.

You should think of your search criteria as ‘first date disqualifiers’. If you exclude something from your search criteria, you should be comfortable saying to yourself, ‘If I met this kind of guy, I wouldn’t even bother going on one single date with him.’

That might sound harsh-- it is harsh-- but used correctly that’s OK! If you want kids, why waste everybody's time going on a date with a perfectly lovely guy who will never want kids? It's OK to use that to narrow down your dating pool. This will keep you from chasing guys that you’re fundamentally incompatible with.

It also keeps you from searching for frivolous things. 'If I met a man who wasn't taller than me, I wouldn't bother going on one single date with him.' 'If I met a man who was into any of that nerdy crap, I wouldn't even bother going on one single date with him.' Notice how petty and unreasonable those sound? These are NOT reasonable disqualifiers. These are insignificant details that only matter when you’re dreaming up a caricature, not when you’re getting to know a real man.

When you’re snuggled up on a cold winters’ night, are you going to get any enjoyment out of getting out the measuring tape and double-checking that your man’s still over 5’ 9”? When your car won’t start and it’s 5 degrees out and you need to get to work, is he gonna whip out a youthful, boyish hairline to help you? If Idris Elba took you out bowling, dropped to one knee, and pleaded with you to become the mother of his child, are you really going to say, ‘No, Idris. I’m sorry, but you're really into RuneScape and you don’t share my rapturous enthusiasm for Harry Potter’? If not, then why are you holding your dating prospects up to these weird requirements?

That being said, it is true that the higher your own relationship value is, the more stringent you can be with your set of criteria. An overweight woman will have to be open to dating overweight men. A woman that already has kids from a previous relationship will have to be open to dating divorcees/men with kids, whereas a younger woman does not.

Take a good look at the criteria you’ve been using-- not just the ones you explicitly built into your online profile, but the ones you're privately holding onto in your heart. Are any of them unnecessarily restrictive? Could you be overlooking great men because you’re expecting to be bowled over by how suave and debonair he comes across on a dating app? Are you secretly, in your heart, expecting more from the men you date than you, yourself, can offer?

My personal list of first-date criteria was as follows:

  1. Looking for a ‘long-term’ relationship as defined by OKC’s search engine.
  2. Never married, no kids, but wants kids.
  3. No smoking, no drugs.
  4. Must have a skilled job or imminent job prospects (like a man finishing his degree, etc.)
  5. Must live within a one-hour drive. My rationale was that it was unlikely that a sustainable non-LDR relationship would develop outside of this radius. However, this is one criteria that I could expand if I wasn’t getting enough ‘bites’.

Choose 3-7 solid ‘First Date Disqualifiers’. Make a pact with yourself that if a man meets these criteria, and the opportunity presents itself, you will agree to at least go on ONE date with him.

Resist the urge to quietly scroll past a guy or reject a first date for petty reasons such as not liking his hobbies, his job in finance sounding quotidian and unsexy, or his online banter not being the crispest around. You have established that he factually, objectively has potential. You have no idea what he’s really like until you’ve actually met the man in person.

It is your DUTY to your future self to get out there and meet these guys with potential!

Chatting

Your goal in this stage should be to quickly double-check whether meeting in person is warranted, and if so, to set a date in the immediate future to meet up.

  • Feel free to begin the chat yourself. At this stage, there is absolutely no need to wait for him to send the first message. Try to give him a little something to work with-- don't just say 'hey' and then hold it against him when he doesn't fire back some astonishing witticism.
  • Try to keep on top of your messages. Inconsistently checking the app, neglecting to respond to messages, and letting the conversation fizzle out with one-word replies all increase the likelihood that you will overlook someone incredible. If you start up a conversation with a great guy, and then quasi-ghost him because you're flakier than a fresh croissant, he’ll quickly dismiss you and move on. Even if you don't feel like it that day, try to give it a shot.
  • Do not fall into the trap of endless chatting. For our purposes here at RPW, until you meet up in person, you haven’t really MET them. What you’re actually doing is pre-forming your concept of them, and in some cases building them up in your mind. The longer you do this, the more likely you are to be disappointed when you do meet them. Furthermore, the longer you wait, the more likely it becomes that your relationship will STAY online-only.

‘But u/zsadiist,” the astute observer might protest. “I’ve been reading that generally I should let him pursue ME. How can I control how long we chat if I’m not supposed to be the one setting up the date?”

When you have decided that the chatting has gone on long enough, and it’s time to Alluringly and Femininely Piss or Get Off the Pot, you can put the ball firmly in his court with “Hey, let me know if you ever want to meet up sometime!” You then free yourself from the obligation to continue the endless chatting. This statement is not a demand, but makes it clear that he can ask you out without being rejected. He is then free to WOW you by planning a fabulous date.

It’s A Date!

Disclaimer: This post assumes you have a pretty decent grasp of RPW advice. All the standard advice applies. Don’t sleep with the guy on the first date.

Your official RPW objective on the first date is to have fun.

  • Channel your inner Goddess of Fun and Light (see any of Laura Doyle’s books, which are standard RPW reading, for more info on this topic). If you’re focusing on whether you want a second date, whether this guy seems interested, or any other ‘meta’ considerations inside your head, you will not be able to fully engage with the date or the man. Furthermore, you will come across as anxious or distracted. You can scrutinize all of these details privately later.
  • Be flexible. Allow him to plan the date, but have a few ideas handy if he asks. This sets the precedent of allowing him to do things that delight you, rather than you calling the shots all the time (a desirable dynamic).
  • A date that includes a quiet, absorbing activity for both of you to do, so that conversation can naturally ebb and flow, might be preferable to a dinner date that creates pressure to fill silences. Consider mini-golf, Paint Nite, a drive-in movie theater, bowling, an outdoor flea market, or similar. Ideally there will be plenty of opportunity to talk, but no awkward pressure.
  • You can kiss him if the opportunity arises and you feel good doing it, but someone who is concentrating on having fun would never feel obligated to kiss a guy if she wasn’t feeling it yet. Because that wouldn’t be fun!

When you get home, now is the time to debrief, unpack your feelings, and decide whether you want a second date or not.

  • If you loved it-- great! Text him and let him know that you had fun! That opens the door for him to ask you for a second date.
  • If you hated it-- good! It’s over, you never have to see him again, and you did your duty to yourself by checking the guy out. You knocked out one of the dates that happened to be on the path to finding a great man. You are one step closer. Do some fun self-care activities and move on to the next guy.
  • If you are somewhere in the middle-- perhaps some more thought is required. First dates can be awkward. If it definitely wasn’t love at first sight, but you had a pretty good time-- you don’t have to, but I would encourage you to go on one or two more dates to see if you develop a little more chemistry. By the third date, you should have a better idea of what to do. If you still only feel lukewarm, this is probably a good indication you should move on.

Willy Wonka and Abundance Mentality

Abundance mentality is a concept that you might see discussed in the men’s subs rather more often than the women’s. If it is only discussed in the context of dread game, it can strike a relationship-oriented woman as bitterly distasteful. However, it is highly relevant to the modern female online dater.

You need to realize that there is no ‘one’ perfect man that you’re looking for.

That might sound off-puttingly unromantic. But it’s actually FABULOUS news. The truth is that there’s many men in the world that you could build a beautiful life with, who have the potential to make you very happy. They only BECOME ‘the one’ when you build a life together. You only need to find ONE of these men.

There is no need to fear that you just missed the greatest opportunity you'll ever get when some OKC guy is slow to respond to that last text. There is no need to pedestalize one guy that’s clearly just biding his time until his ex is available again. The energy one might waste fretting over these guys should be invested in finding one that reciprocates. It doesn’t all ride on you finding one perfect needle in a haystack-- you just have to find ONE of Willy Wonka’s several Golden Tickets.

If you obsess over the single chocolate bar in your hands, without ever unwrapping it or giving other chocolate bars the time of day, the probability is high that you are wasting your time. When you finally do unwrap it and it turns out to be a dud, you’ll be disappointed. Similarly, you shouldn’t spend endless energy stalking one guy’s social media presence before you decide to meet him. There are tons of other men you should be checking out!

If you opened a chocolate bar and there’s clearly no Golden Ticket-- If you’ve been on dates with a man and he’s not that interested, but you stubbornly chase him and demand his attention, you’re still going to end up disappointed. He’s not going to turn around and suddenly have that Golden Ticket.

None of these behaviors increase the likelihood of finding a great man.

If you open lots of chocolate bars by going on lots of first dates, each date you go on might be that one you’ve been looking for! You might have an unexpectedly hilarious time that leads to a long relationship… which leads to marriage… But you’ll never know from just browsing his online profile-- you OWE it to yourself to actually open the chocolate bars and go on those dates!

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Post Information
Title Online Dating with Purpose Part 2: The Golden Ticket Idea
Author zsadiist
Upvotes 94
Comments 18
Date June 16, 2020 2:28 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/online-dating-with-purpose-part-2-the-golden.697154
https://theredarchive.com/post/697154
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ha5249/online_dating_with_purpose_part_2_the_golden/
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Comments

[–]misscleanex7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh my gosh.

I've got a several months old rough draft of exactly your post (except WAY WAY rougher, you've got a finely cut diamond here and mine was definitely in the rough) and you didn't miss a single point I wanted to make..

Are you........ me?

I especially enjoyed the part about not being afraid of messaging first. I messaged my boyfriend first, and he told me that he doesn't ever message first because girls tend to message him first anyways and he doesn't have the time to deal with it otherwise. That sealed the deal for me! Online dating is in and of itself, untraditional in every way, so I left him room to show his traditional side in person. He didn't disappoint!

I think another thing about online dating is that I treated the first date like an introduction and kept them short and sweet, as in less than an hour long unless we're having fun. That way, if I literally can't stand him, I can be done with it quickly. I had a ton of first dates. Very few made it to date 2. Even fewer made it to date 3. I'm still with the one who made it to date 4. :)

[–]takisntortillachips5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great post!

I do want to add that if the date was meh or bad, you OWE IT TO HIM to let him know that you’re no longer interested. Even if he isn’t your dream man, he is a human worthy of respect and clear communication.

[–]feminineme11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this post, thank you. The part about the no 'one' perfect man is such a good point, and so easy to forget.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great overview. I guess the only thing I'd add is that people are going to be very variable in terms of what's important to them. That means that everyone's dealbreakers are going to look different.

This post made me smile because frankly, the dealbreakers that you consider to be absurd were my dealbreakers! I would not have dated anyone who worked in finance, because it was important to me to date an idealist. I would not have dated someone whose banter was mediocre, because I am so easily turned on by humor -- I felt like I'd develop a wandering eye unless I was dating someone who really captivated me on that level :)

So yeah, figure out what your own dealbreakers are, and be aware that, the fussier you are, the longer you'll probably have to wait before finding the right guy.

[–]Sobinia0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

I have a question. I'm relatively thin (55 kilograms and 170 cm. tall) in spite of the fact that I have a tendency to gain weight. I simply control myself. Therefore, I have set being overweight as a hard deal breaker for men, because of:

  • aesthetic reasons
  • it being is a clear sign that you have problems with delaying gratification
  • it meaning that you don't care for your health
  • it meaning that you have trouble consequently working towards your goals (I've noticed that the percentage of men that have unfilled profiles, are unemployed, still living with their parents, smoking and doing drugs, as well as acting mean in conversations and/or desperate is higher among overweight men)

If I get messaged by overweight men, I politely decline their offers to go on a date and when they ask me why I don't want to go out with them, I tell them that it's because of their extra kilograms. Usually, they tend to lash out at me because of that, tell me that they were "built that way" and that I am acting shallow, superficial and I'm not the prettiest myself. Is this a reasonable deal breaker to have? Am I acting fair by declining their advances? I must add that I have bad bone structure (relatively short legs, a long torso, a large ribcage and broad back), so it's not that I look like a model myself), which is why I am not setting any standards for height.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Is this a reasonable deal breaker to have? Am I acting fair by declining their advances?

I don't think anything relating to health is a bad deal breaker, in conjunction with other reasonable ones that don't vastly limit your pool. Your definition of overweight may have a little room to give, depending on where you live. I've always actually preferred a stockier guy to a more slender one, but avoided the men who looked like their weight would actually impact their lives. I don't know how fit you're requiring these men to be, but "not obese" is more than fair.

[–]Sobinia2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I want their BMI to be in the healthy range, without too much extra body fat, though I prefer those on the skinnier/more muscular side. If his BMI is in the higher range of normality, though, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, BMI can be a poor indicator, especially if he lifts, but from what you're describing, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he lifts, then I'm obviously swiping right ;) When I said "overweight", I meant "overweight because of extra fat".

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I agree with what u/Kara__El said above.

I would just add that I don’t think you really have to engage with people who demand an explanation for why you won’t date them.

I think that unless this rejection is a surprise, coming after a lengthy conversation that would indicate you’re probably going to be open to a date, anyone who demands that you explain yourself is probably pretty insecure. That’s a red flag that’s totally separate from the weight issue.

My post is (or at least, I intended it to be) more about your own internal, private dialogue, you know?

Edit: I’m wondering how often this happens to you. I would have thought that most non-bot messages would come from guys that you’ve mutually “swiped right” with (or the equivalent), meaning that theoretically you’ve given them at least a preliminary approval based on their looks. Are these just random guys asking you out on a date immediately, without ‘matching’ or talking first?

Edit again: If you’re not having any trouble finding serious, high-quality prospects to date, the set of criteria you’re using are appropriate!

[–]Sobinia0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

It's mostly guys that ask me out on a date after 1-10 messages and that haven't matched with me. In order to keep the messaging going, I have to reply to them or match with them. Also, it happens quite often (about 10% of all my DM's) that a man messages me without matching, I try to give him a chance, but instead of having a conversation, he asks for my number or to meet up and then I tell him that I'm not interested. He proceeds to ask why that is the case, and I tell him that it's because of his weight. After that, I either get blocked, called a shallow princess, asked about my own weight, called a fat-fish or accused of only going after the most muscular Chads.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

By “I try to give him a chance”, you mean you keep talking?

I guess I would just say don’t respond or continue the conversation at all, if you’re absolutely certain you wouldn’t “match” with him or be open to meeting in the first place. You’re not genuinely ‘giving him a chance’, since you’ve made up your mind that you’re not going to give him your number or go out with him.

And you definitely don’t have to respond to “Why won’t you date me?!”. There’s no positive way that conversation is going to end.

If 10% of your messages end in this encounter, I think there’s probably something else we can fix in your profile. You might be putting out some kind of wrong vibe.

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yea, I mean "keep talking", in case their personality somehow outshines their looks. I once had this happen to me. The guy was quite witty, funny and he told me that he'd been working on losing weight for the last two months. We talked a bit about fitness, our weight loss journeys and I'll be seeing him on Friday. If I didn't continue the conversation, I would have most likely skipped past a decent guy.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So then I guess it shouldn’t be a first date disqualifier! And tbh it sounds like you haven’t really been treating it as such anyway. 🤪🤪

Sounds like maybe your real issue is the guys who jump ugly after you reject them and then call them fat. (Huh.) So I would just say don’t respond at all to guys who demand an explanation after you politely decline. Block them if you need to.

Maybe if you’re still GENUINELY on the fence... and not just stringing them along when you know you are not going to give them your number... you could say “Sorry, I don’t give out my number to guys from the app unless we’ve talked for a little while!” Either he will be understanding and talk to you more so you can make a better decision, ghost you because he doesn’t want to make that effort, or jump ugly (at which point you can block him).

I still think you may be able to cut down on these types of messages by improving the vibe of your profile, but that’s a conversation that would need to be private.

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've been treating it more like a red flag: I didn't match with overweight men or message them first. As to not responding to men that demand an explanation for not wanting to date them, I think that's a good idea. If they politely ask, though, should I provide them with the reason and be honest? Also, the line about not giving out my number to people I haven't even talked to sounds like a decent idea. I'll implement it more often.

As for the vibe, I'll DM you the links to both of my profiles in a moment.

[–]anonkcthtk-3 points-2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think certain things can definitely cause resentment over time so height actually could cause an issue, just not for reason detailed above. Certain men will always feel emasculated next to a woman who is bigger/taller than them.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This would fall under the category of ‘vetting’, not the initial process of online dating.

If, after the third date, it becomes apparent that he’s got Little Man Syndrome, you would note that red flag at that time.

Height itself is not really an appropriate first date disqualifier.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've never minded that my husband is shorter than average (but taller than I am), but I would definitely mind if he had a chip on his shoulder about it. I don't think that's unique to height though, nor is it good reason to require a guy be a specific height.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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