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Perfect Example of a Shit Test

December 24, 2016

The question of "what's a shit test?" Is typically always followed by "can you give an example?" Well yes, yes I can because I (without even realizing it!) just pulled one on my husband. Here it is:

In our home my husband's one regular job is to take out the trash. He was getting it all ready to go and when he put a new bag in, as soon something was tossed into it, one side started sliding into the can. I didn't fix it and somehow I got it in my head to "see if he'll fix it".

The can kept getting more and more full and internally I was shaking my head thinking, "I can't believe he hasn't fixed it yet! Or noticed it needs to be fixed!"

DH comes along and finally, the bag has completely disappeared under all the trash and says, "why isn't there are bag in here?" I said, "there is, I was just waiting to see how long it took you to notice there was a problem," to which he laughed and said "that's insane. Why am I the only one allowed touch it? If you needed permission you could have just asked." (He's the king of amused mastery without knowing what it is.)

That's the point! Why didn't I just fix it? I don't have an answer. I got it in my head that he should do it and never stopped to ask myself why. That's a shit test. Here's why: there was no right answer. If he ignored the bag or didn't notice the problem, he fails because he didn't fix the problem. If he did fix the bag, I wouldn't have been happy because it's something he "should be doing anyway". There's no right answer for him.

Actually the third option, which is to point out how stupid the whole idea was, that's the right answer. I felt so dumb. I didn't even realize I was pulling a shit test. And what for?

So there it is ladies and gents, a real life example of a shit test. Merry Christmas RPW, I love this community and I'm so grateful for it.


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Post Information
Title Perfect Example of a Shit Test
Author [deleted]
Upvotes 109
Comments 37
Date December 24, 2016 5:27 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]youreallmeatanyway37 points38 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

I sort of pulled a similar shit test on my wife. I'm usually the one to do the dishes, and it annoys me, but I put up with it because asking doesnt work and I'm not going to yell or beg. Anyway, the company was sending me to Chicago for 5 days and I wanted to see if she'd "steer the ship" while I was away.

So the morning I left I deliberately left my coffee mug in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher. 5 days later I come home and the mug is still there...along with 5 days worth of dishes. And as a bonus I had to learn how to deal with a swarm of fruit flies because the garbage hadnt been taken out either.

She's my exwife now.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

my ex-wife refused to take out the trash. The conversation that ended in divorce was her asking me to take care of the trash on my first day off in 10 while I was cleaning dishes to cook out son breakfast.

[–]youreallmeatanyway0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

sounds like there was a lot simmering just below the surface.

i can relate to that

[–]Cardiscappa2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Wow. May I ask what you saw in her at the beginning and why you married her?

[–]youreallmeatanyway22 points23 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

The worst of her behaviors didn't manifest until after we were married. And it's not like she's a terrible person...just damaged from her childhood and never tried to get over it. If I could I'd take her pain away so she could at least be happy.

Anyway, we dated in high school and back then she was happier. We wanted the same things in life and she was all about building a life with me.

But a couple years after the wedding bells she started to put on a LOT of weight...and her depression grew more severe...and her laziness began to worsen...and she started to get into metaphysics which resulted in her spending a lot of time trying to astral project her consciousness on to a higher plane (which always ended up with her falling asleep in the middle of the day instead of looking for a job).

To answer your question in brief: the woman I married and the woman I divorced were very different people.

[–]LateralusYellow3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

the woman I married and the woman I divorced were very different people.

I know this is 13 days later, but... how the fuck do you avoid this?

[–]youreallmeatanyway7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Man, thats the 64 million dollar question right there.

While I dont think its possible for everyone to avoid something like that, here is what I think would have helped me to not even marry her in the first place:

  • Be brutally honest with yourself. Dont ignore the signs of bad weather on the horizon
  • Date more. Having more options prevents settling for what's familiar
  • Know your value as a partner
  • Make your non-negotiables actually NON-NEGOTIABLE.

[–]SellMeAllYourKarma points points [recovered] | Copy Link

My relationship is ending 2 months before our wedding was supposed to happen. I don't know how I ended up on this sub and on your comment (it's my first time here) but your advice is 100% on the money. Sorry for replying 4 months late

[–]youreallmeatanyway1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Glad I could (retroactively) help?

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your break up...even when you know its for the best they can still hurt you a lot.

If I can give one more piece of advice its this: keep your ear to the ground. I met the most incredible woman about a year after I initiated divorce proceedings (roughly 6mo after papers were finalized).

Never expected to fall in love that hard, that fast, but it happened.

[–]SellMeAllYourKarma0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll let you know how I'm doing a year from now, thanks for the advice

[–]youreallmeatanyway0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good luck, buddy.

[–]Luis_McLovin3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

the woman I married

how the fuck do you avoid this?

don't marry


on a serious note, take AS LONG AS POSSIBLE until getting married. If you go your whole life spent together and never marrying, you had a wonderful relationship.

Who says you need to marry a person to spend your lifetime with them? It's a god-damn piece of paper.

[–]TheMedsPeds1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Date them for 3-5 years including living with them before even thinking of proposing. PS if you start dating them in high school add another 5 years.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for sharing this example! When I came accross RP ideas I was horrified to realise how often I subconsciously "tested" my OP. Somehow hoping he would "prove" or "not prove" something. I am now trying really hard to take a step back when I have the urge to do this and take responsibility for my feelings by either sorting the situation myself or communicating my problem (not solution!) before my mind turns it into a mini crisis!!
Even with this awareness it's so easy to forget and slip back into doing it so it's so reassuring to read an example from someone whose posts and contributions I admire. Gives me hope for future improvement in the face of slip ups. Merry Christmas to you too :)

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's awful how it creeps up on you but it does get better the more you work at it. I thought it was a perfect example so I'm almost glad it happened.

[–]jmottram083 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What is good about this is the realization that there are no good answers for shit tests... and that means that no matter what, you will be unhappy with the result.

And I am not sure that I had realized that before. It's not like little quirks that annoy your SO (like leaving the lid off the toothpaste), it's constructing a situation where there is no good outcome for either of you.

In other words, you are making yourself miserable when you shit test someone. Try to stop doing it, not just because of how it makes your SO feel, but because you are ultimately unhappy with whatever the outcome is.

[–]lidlredridinghood5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Ah! I've been wondering after examples.

I like the definition of "there being no good way to answer the riddle but pointing out it's a shitty riddle"... now to go find my own examples. Ah well....

[–]jmottram085 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The classic is "Does this make me look fat?"

The best case here is that it doesn't... and then the GF is just "demanding" compliments, which is a dangerous trend to start for several reasons.

Worst case is that it does, and there is no great answer there. Either you are forced to lie or you are forced to bring up an uncomfortable situation / fight.

There is no good answer. It's a shitty riddle (for both people in the relationship). Don't play those games with people you care about.

[–]TheLaughingRhino 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Why didn't I just fix it? I don't have an answer.

I think this is a super interesting question because, at it's heart, most men, including me, would like to know how much of it is instinctive in terms of a reaction, versus a choice in the matter but a lack of discretion in the time and place.

Want to be careful and say the following observations, from my own experiences and from discussions with other men who I've worked with, gone to school with, known, etc, are not directed towards you OP nor are trying to make any indication towards your specific situation and/or marriage ( I don't know you obviously)

My observation, in general, regarding "shit tests" or "fitness tests" is that

A) Often it occurs as a proxy for some other "transgression" committed by the other partner, usually the guy here. I do notice that if you get to the very root of it, it is often something that the guy cannot, under rational observation, be truly "blamed" for, but sometimes the guilt occurs by simple proximity. I dealt with this with a BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) ex GF of mine, she finally came out and said, I'm angry right now, I'm upset, I don't know exactly why, but you are here. I'm taking it out on you, because you are here.

In formal psychology, it's called, IIRC, "transference" and I believe it often models on why a parent will abuse their child ( i.e. the classic example is the parent is powerless and low status at work, has a difficult job with no real clear path out, and since they can't take out their anger at work or their boss or crappy coworkers, they unleash on their kids when they get home. This is also sadly why when a parent gets a jump in career status, the "attacks" can subside i.e. now they can batter people at work with new status and new power and don't need to hammer their kids as much)

Statistically speaking, and this will bear out usually in the eyeball test, the number one problem in marriages and committed LTRs ( shared finances, living together, maybe a kid) is money. If a woman is working full time, in a job she clearly hates, and is not getting all the returns on what she wants ( i.e. living in a house she likes, her kids in a school district she wants, not getting to go on vacations like her friends and their husbands, never having the extras, always having to count dollars and budget everything to the line, etc) then I've never personally see that end well for the couple. Most of the time, the woman is angry, often silently enraged and it will manifest in her behavior. Some guys are not capable of being the primary breadwinner and most of the functional relationships I've seen, the guy is the primary breadwinner and the girl works part time in a job she enjoys and spends the other half as a homemaker.

While I recognize these are my own observations and are not hard fast rules, I've never ever seen the money thing not result in basically the D Day Omaha Beach level of shit tests. It's like a 12 round boxing match.

B) I firmly believe that in the modern era, women do the "choosing" And if they choose someone they are not attracted to in life, then eventually the shit tests will get completely out of control. Why would someone be with someone they are not attracted to in life? Well, many people get married based on momentum. They were together, it was "time", the relationship had to move "Forward" or end and many people don't want to be alone and don't want to "waste" that sunk cost. Sometimes a womans friends are all married and having kids and she feels left out. Sometimes a womans social circle is starting to box her out ( a single woman in a group of married couples is now a threat, esp if she's halfway attractive in any form) and there is a clear status jump. Also many women want kids and many want a big fancy wedding and want to have these things before they feel they get too old and lose their best chances at it all.

Women are the gatekeepers of sex. With commitment in hand, if she wants to cut you off from sex, she can. Just a reality of modern Western life. If she's not attracted to you, if the glow of the raised status and new shiny relationship allure is gone, she is probably going to give you as little sex as possible and it will be a chore and not a part of a healthy relationship. Since she's going to feel internally conflicted by this ( he's my husband, he's good to me, why don't I want him?), the only way to feel better is to find a reason to not have sex with him. Easy to not have sex with a jerk. So this is where, sadly, a lot of women I observe, will passive aggressively jab away at their mate, who is trying harder and harder to please her, only making it worse as there is less good reason to jab him, until he snaps or gives up, this giving her a reason to finally not have sex with him. He's a jerk. He is distant. He's at work at all the time and doesn't want to see me. Well he's not getting any tonight, or ever.

TL/DR - My observation and experience is that "shit tests/fitness tests" are going to happen organically in any relationship. They will go into overdrive when a woman simply is not getting what she wants in the time and place and often it's not related to the issue of the shit test ( i.e. doing the dishes) itself. If you are the guy and you cannot sustain her desired lifestyle and/or she settled for you, the shit tests will never end. It will be like getting bombed from above and it won't stop until she gets what she wants ( and then if rarely it happens, she will tend to want a new shiny thing to desire) or until she can justify cutting you off or leaving you.

Strategies to help everyone involved

  • Be appreciative and be grateful for all your blessings in life. In my career path, about eighty percent of the guys I've worked with are gone now. They died on the job. It's part of the reality of it, but so much loss makes me remember how precious life is and how to enjoy every single simple moment with those you care about. Be around people who are appreciative of what they have. If you meet someone, and do something nice for them, and they either don't say Thanks or react by simply raising their expectations on you, then it's probably time to walk. Be around people who try to see the good in things and the good in others while holding good boundaries.

  • Watch for people and see if they own their "own shit" If you hate your job, what are you doing to change it? If you wish you had a degree, what are you doing to make it different for yourself? If you don't like your weight or shape, how are you actively fixing that issue? You gotta watch how the other person reacts to disappointment/not getting what they want. If they constantly rely on you to fix it or deal with it, guess what? In a marriage, how is that going to change? Its your FAULT for not making it RIGHT for ME.

  • Call people out on their behavior. Try to be civil but don't let small things slide because you just want peace. If you are going to "fight", then fight early and do so before you get married or entangled with kids or finances together. Learn early if you just can't "live" with this person.

  • Last big takeaway, see how the person reacts to "No" Want to hear something that's not a surprise? If a girl is very pretty, she has not heard No very often in her life. For some, it's close to never. So not getting what she wants when she wants it is basically a crime in her book if she reacts poorly to it. If a person can't handle a reasonable "No" then the relationship is likely doomed from the start.

I do not subscribe to be an expert, but women communicate much differently than men and I think the base level of entitlement/expectation for someone else to fix your problems/concerns/irritations is different. As a guy, I understand no one is going to fix my problems but me. I'm not sure most women, esp attractive ones, are in the same boat.

My best advice to women here? In real life, there is settling that is needed to just survive on day to day interaction (We are not all going to get what we want when we want it) and there is "settling" that is toxic and unhealthy for us. If a person takes a healthy approach on expectations, then there are things they will have to settle on in ANY partnership and things they simply cannot live with and don't have to justify why they can't live with it and should understand what they can't live with and simply choose to avoid it. Guy could be Channing Tatum 2.0 but if you can't live with it, you gotta be able to walk away. Guy could have the bankroll and fame of Mark Zuckerberg but you have to be able to walk away. "Never settle" but do so in a practical way that is in line with your values and face realistic expectations of the world around you ( Relationships are not sweeping sagas, they are moments of joy mixed in with pasta dinners, car pools and loads of laundry)

If you ladies want to help yourselves, might be good to ask yourselves what it means to you to "settle" and how much of it can you live with and still hold your ground as a person.

Merry Xmas to all, wish you all the best on your path to being the very best version of you possible.

[–]jack_hammarred0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can this be in a sidebar somewhere...

[–]kaane2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great contribution. It is very eye opening to see the shittest equation from a womans perspective. TRP is filled with posts about shittests but they rarely deliver informative real life scenarios.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

And what for?

To feel tingles when he passes it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Well options a and b would have been a fail but all I did feel was embarrassed when he made fun of me. Embarrassed because I should know better than to do things like that. But it's a good learning experience lol.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You're glad he acted the way he did is the point I'm making. :)

I'm not justifying you doing it btw

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Lol yeah you're right I am. I'm glad he doesn't take any shit but he's not a dick about it which is refreshing. It's hard to resize that you still do shit like this. I've been RPW for almost 3 years and it's like... You think I'd be past this by now. It's definitely infrequent but I'm battling against subconscious will. It's aggravating.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think not being too much of a dick about it is a big part of passing the test. If he reacted too dickishly, then that would indicate he was butthurt, which betrays being beta.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Its a fine line to walk. Complicated things, these social interactions!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's also a great example in the difference between RPW and TRP that newer women often bring up. It's extremely important for men to learn to recognize and pass these tests (ie: passing = not complying but not acting butthurt either). On the other hand, it's not necessary for women, etc.

[–][deleted] -7 points-7 points | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]Fancy_Bits8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

That is exactly what she is saying. Try some reading comprehension before jumping her. She took a risk, being vulnerable and sharing how she made a mistake and what she learned, and you're criticizing her?

Don't be an ass.

@OP - it's crazy how we build narratives in our head sometimes, isn't it? Your Captain handled it very well, and I'm glad you not only learned your lesson but even more important, gained understanding of what happened and how you built up to the shit test in your head.

I do the same thing. I hate it, but i hope I am improving on it. That is all we can do, right? Work to be better at it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He's (my husband) really great at calling me on my BS, lol. It gets easier with time. I wonder if it will ever fully go away. It's honestly been a while since such a thing has happened.

[–][deleted] -6 points-6 points | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]brick_howse 5 points5 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Changing habits is hard. Self-awareness is hard.

Attacking strangers on the internet is easy.... and incredibly immature. Just stop. You are being rude and not at all helpful.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The mods will come by at some point and get rid of his nasty comments. To everyone on the sub, don't forget, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, report them! This makes it easier for the mods to find them.

[–]youreallmeatanyway0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wish the mods left the comments. Seeing someone else's bad behavior can be instructive to those of us who wish to improve.

[–]theScarlettWomanModerator | Scarlett[M] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are being unneccesarily aggressive and rude for no reason. Comments removed.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This post is a helpful example for women who need to know what sort of shit tests they may pull with their men. That's what this community is for. I have a wonderful marriage. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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