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Problems keeping feminine around my mother

December 29, 2016

My parents have a traditional relationship, with my dad being the breadwinner and head of the household and my mom working part-time and doing all the housework. However, my mother is still a raging aggressive tiger mom. She nags at my father and picks fights for no reason, is a drama queen (last night she cooked soup, found out that my dad accidentally broke the ceramic ladle and kept whining about how we were unable to eat the soup because my "stupid father" broke the ladle) and criticizes people in general.

Thankfully, I'm not like this. I'm pretty quiet and demure. However, when I'm provoked by my mother, this unexpected rage comes out, which is very rare, and I feel insecure because I feel I can't control it sometimes and it's not "me" to rage like this.

For example, today I had washed a tea pot and set it aside for drying. Few hours later I couldn't find the lid, asked my mother where it was, she found it and accused me of misplacing it and went on about me misplacing it for a few minutes. I didn't lash out this time but I got defensive and simply told her "I didn't put it there" and left.

I'm nervous because I don't want to bring my boyfriend home to see how I interact with my mother. I'm very easily provoked by aggressive people who I feel say things that criticize me. Again, this is very rare, it only pertains to my mother and one difficult colleague I have. With my father I'm totally sweet and deferential but with my mother I argue with her. My tone of voice becomes harsh. I would hope my boyfriend doesn't see me this (although I would think he would understand by the way my mother treats my father), and I know I can only control my reactions.

So, how can I train myself to react differently to her? She's my mother, I can't avoid her when I want to, and I'd like to try to "grow up" and react stoically to her critiques or accusations. Most of the time I just ignore her, but it's difficult to ignore her when she asks me some questions directly. Even when I answer neutrally, I still have this unhappy expression on my face that I can't get rid of.

Adding that I'm only home twice a year so I don't have to deal with her often, but I wish to not have these kind of reactions towards her. Also, my brother also has similar reactions towards her although he's better at STFU than I am.

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Post Information
Title Problems keeping feminine around my mother
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 16
Comments 12
Date December 29, 2016 1:58 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–]azngirl768912 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Nod, smile and use the bean dip method. My mom is the same way.....sending hugs and support.

Bean dip method:

MOM: criticism YOU: that's interesting. Would you like some bean dip?

Basically distract her and make it clear you don't want to discuss it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Bean dip method? I'm intrigued...

[–]azngirl76891 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry just edited the comment to explain. Anywho it usually works on my mom. By this point, she's gotten the message bean dipping her sends

[–]Canttakethewhyfromme1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This pretty much sounds like fogging

[–]Willow-girl12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There are situations in which anger is appropriate. I think it's probably healthier in this case than just letting your mom steamroller you!

Something I've noticed is that women who don't work, or work very much, sometimes treat their family members like shit. They say horrible things to them without batting an eyelash. (My mom was like that.) I think it's because they're generally in situations where they're dominant, so there are no negative consequences to their behavior. They can get away with it, so see no need to curb their attitude/temper/pissiness, lol.

Women who work, and have to answer to a boss and get along with co-workers, generally develop some diplomacy along the way. Their social survival depends on it. Not so for the queen bee who runs her household ...

I was probably in my 20s before I started standing up to my mother. I did it quietly ... I didn't rage; I just pointed out when she was being inappropriate. If she made a negative comment about my hair, weight, outfit, etc., I'd say, "What would ever possess you to say something so rude?" And much to my surprise, she'd become flustered and begin to backpedal. I realized that probably no one had ever "called" her on her bad behavior before!

It was tough but I set boundaries with her. If she was shitty to me, I'd just up and leave, or hang up the phone. Eventually she learned to be mostly civil, although she still treated other people badly, lol.

I think in your case, you may need to just disengage a bit -- don't get caught up in arguments -- and just set boundaries.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Something I've noticed is that women who don't work, or work very much, sometimes treat their family members like shit.

This is interesting, my mother is a part time teacher and she's quite a domineering one at that. I think it rolls into the household. But I also am a teacher, but I don't criticize my students for doing things wrong, so I guess I don't understand why she gets so worked up about other people when it doesn't affect her. She sort of brings unhappiness upon herself.

I was probably in my 20s before I started standing up to my mother. I did it quietly ... I didn't rage; I just pointed out when she was being inappropriate.

Actually, this reminds me of one time when I did stand up to her. I was trying to teach her how to make a tiramisù and told her that we could start after she finished her coffee. She told me we could start now. So I began showing her and she got flustered and accused me of forcing her to finish her coffee. I just told her "I said we could start after you finished your coffee and you were the one who told me to start now, don't blame me" and I walked away. She actually STFU and calmed down afterwards.

I guess I'm just afraid my boyfriend will disapprove of me standing up to my mother, because his mother is the opposite of mine - very sweet, docile, nothing critical. In his eyes, if someone stands up to their mother it's a bad thing, but he doesn't know what it's like to have a mother like mine. I don't know if I should try to explain my mother to him (I've already slipped it in conversation here and there, like I mentioned my mother forced my dad to move down into the basement when I was 10 because she didn't like his snoring).

[–]wub12344 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you're entitled to stand your ground here. You can't let your mother walk all over you!

What I would do is perhaps say something like "do you think you might be overreacting to the soup ladle here, mum?". Instead of creating conflict, try to encourage her to examine her own reactions and conduct.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Don't argue with idiots; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with their experience. Try leaving the room abruptly. When she starts in on you say, "excuse me for a moment," and just leave. Keep doing it every time. She'll either get the hint of she won't but either way you don't have to deal with it. If she follows you or this method doesn't work, just don't respond. Smile and say, "OK". Then it's over. You know you didn't move the tea pot lid. Who cares what she thinks?

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll try this next time. I used to ignore her and leave the room a few years ago but she would start screaming at me for disrespecting her and force me to come back and stand there so she could yell at me. Not sure what the reaction would be now...

Regarding the tea pot lid - there was absolutely no reason for her to get upset about me misplacing it. What's the big deal? I asked her where it was and she yells at me because it wasn't where I put it, but we found it. This is what drives me nuts! There's no logic to her criticisms.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What if you just stopped spending time there?

[–]Mentathiel1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thankfully, I'm not like this. I'm pretty quiet and demure. However, when I'm provoked by my mother, this unexpected rage comes out, which is very rare, and I feel insecure because I feel I can't control it sometimes and it's not "me" to rage like this.

That's because it's not you. It's your subpersonality. Lots of people have it when it comes to parents, as it's a quite specific relationship. Adults come back home and become whiny teenagers too often to dismiss. It's because your relationship with your parents spanned your lifetime, included a lot of authority from them and admiration of them, as well as attempts to separate yourself from them. Even when you grow up and they have no actual authority over you, you feel their remarks as more personal and direct, because you've learned to see their remarks as corrective measures or conditions of their positive behavior towards you etc.

At the core of this personality there's usually a desire, a goal. The one managing parental rejection definitely has gaining their love for the sake of resources and affection or hurting them because they've hurt you. I'm not sure how to avoid this sort of response, tho. I have a similar problem sometimes and reminding myself that my mom loves me or scorning myself for aggression doesn't seem to work because during these sorts of moments I literally cannot recall positive interactions with her, I'm focused on the negative.

This is the first moment when I'd actually consider it appropriate to advise a RPW to go over TRP and go through the material on how to respond to shit-tests throughly. I think that when you really internalize their rules, the knowledge of the emotional effect your actions will have is enough to divert your aggression towards it, so perhaps that helps after a lot of trial and error until you make those your automatic responses. Beware of starting to use these anywhere and everywhere, tho, they should be directed solely at your mother.

[–]UnrefinedFacade2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have the same relationship with my mother. I get along with her fine until she finds something she can be critical of and starts to lay into me about it.

You know the theory that a woman is the most responsible teenager in the house? That's how I view my mother's opinions when she is being critical for no good reason. Many times she lacks the facts to provide an informed view on whatever it is she is nagging me about. I simply disregard uninformed opinions the way I would disregard a teenager who has no clue what they're talking about. It's a little funny, a little sad, and not at all something to get worked up about. This method also allows me to keep a smile on my face, because I'm chuckling internally at the whole situation.

I'm not saying to be outwardly disrespectful, or to ignore her if she is providing advice that is useful. But it definitely makes dealing with her jabs easier. I hope this helps!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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