Promiscuity and pair bonding

Banincoming · 2017-07-13T21:05:18+00:00

It bothers me more than I should let it when most of the subs on this site push the idea of fucking every stranger you meet to make sure when you find "the one", you will be "sexual compatible".

Wissenschaft85 · 2017-07-14T03:41:04+00:00

Ironically (in a depressing way) it is not men who are afraid of commitment but many modern woman are afraid. Men who sleep around know what they are doing and are actively avoiding relationships. At the first sign of a woman getting uppity (as in wanting a deeper relationship) its time to jump ship. Pump and Dump as its called in its most accurate euphemism.

Don't sleep around. Its not worth it. Sex is not the greatest thing in the world and being a virgin is not a bad thing at all. Theres too much shame that kids pick up in grade school over being a virgin. Theres way too much pressure in western society to lose your virginity. Nothing magical happens when you lose your virginity. The only magic is being with someone who cares about and supports you as much as you do for them.

loneliness-inc · 2017-07-14T06:54:13+00:00

My viewpoint is very different.

While TRP warns of a high N, I think the true story is that men just don't like promiscuous women, specifically women who have a higher n than themselves, purely out of insecurity.

Someone on TRP read 1 study and inaccurately tied promiscuity to divorce. Sure, there's a correlation obviously, but there's no data to say that n-count is the specific cause. What's more likely is that people who are promiscuous have personality traits that would lead to an inevitable divorce anyway, like a lack of vetting.

I mean, we don't fall in love from sex itself anyway. We fall in love from the intimacy that happens around the sex. It's the non-sex things that make us "bond" in the first place. It's why you can have a ONS, leave at 6am, and perhaps you'll feel dirty/guilt, but you're also perfectly capable of falling in love with the next guy.

What CAN happen is that with rejection and pain, people block themselves off to "bonding" to avoid being hurt. They become hardened, jaded, and actually refuse normal "couple" behavior to protect themselves. This isn't even specific to sexual relationships and it's definitely not specific to women, I'm sure you've witnessed it in social relationships too.

So to OP, while I sympathize with your personal attitude towards sex as being "not special" anymore, it's completely anecdotal and even self-inflicted. It's a feeling that you have the ability (and responsibility) to change. It's your mind that has devalued sex.

I'm not saying this to prescribe the CC, merely to be a little more honest about female sexual nature and TRP's agenda.

sd4c · 2017-07-14T03:07:01+00:00

I have to actively try to feel the connection with my partner, where previously it came effortlessly and naturally

Sadly, this applies to men, as well (I am a guy). In the past, I was so disappointed by women mistaking my words of sincere affection and kindness, for weakness, that I went totally red-pill, even dark triad. My N-count went through the roof, but sadly, I now find myself having to struggle to remain "in the moment" with my new and final LTR partner. Her N-count doesn't help, either. Knowing that we've both been with so many people, for no good reason, makes us both feel less special.

The blue-pilled me couldn't secure sexual commitment from girls I liked. The red-pilled me, got more ass than a toilet seat, but spoiled me somewhat for the love of my life.

If I could do it all over again, I'd have saved myself for that one special girl. But at the same time, I understand that there's no way I could have done that, without someone I trusted dearly, teaching me how and why to do otherwise. And I had no one to trust until recently.

So I forgive myself, but urge anyone who will listen, NOT to do what I did. Simply stated: hookup culture and the existence of birth control and condoms made it possible for me to rationalize physically loving countless people who I didn't emotionally love. And that sucks.

gunfetti · 2017-07-13T23:26:39+00:00

Hey thank you so much for sharing your experience :)

Shaela90 · 2017-07-13T22:51:08+00:00

Thank you! You bring up some really thought provoking points. I always feel a little ashamed that I only had 4 other partners before I got married. Granted I got married when I was 22, but still, most of my friends and my sister had waaaaay more partners...and stories. Twenty years later, my husband and I are still going strong. It seemed like around 15 years ago everyone was getting married, then a few years ago everyone was getting divorced, and today everyone is hooking up with people on match sites when it's their ex's turn to keep the kids. You're probably correct in your assertion that more partners means less ability to connect meaningfully. It's really sad for the ones who are alone. And, they're certainly not getting any younger. Old and alone. Isn't that what we all fear? And yet promiscuity seems like the way to connect. But it's really the opposite. I wonder if promiscuous men suffer as well?

RedPillWonder · 2017-07-13T21:33:26+00:00

Thank you for writing this.

I wish many, many women here would heed your words and be moved enough to protect what they have and/or take care to not increase their N count any further.

It seems more women than I thought (from reading their own posts) often mistake or misread real commitment, and a lot of them are simply riding the "carousel" slowly.

Even if one started sexual activity at 18 (which is the minority today, as most start sooner), and "only" had 1 or two sexual partners per year, and only in an exclusive, committed relationship, then she'll be at 12-24 partners by age 30. More if she started sooner, or some of the relationships didn't last as long.

At 16+ sexual partners, that's correlated to over 80% divorce rates*.

And that's where many are, N count wise. They date for a few months, have sex, but the relationship doesn't work out, so maybe a few months in between, then date again, have sex again...

Even if some of the relationships last one, two, or three years or more, the N count is still going to be significant enough to impact pair bonding, divorce probability, middle aged depression, various addictive behaviors, etc.

I hope they heed your words.

*Regardless of what the cause is, the results are the same. A very high likelihood of divorce when N counts are high. Even over 5 has a dramatic impact. When you hit teens and twenties... ugh.

That said, wherever a woman is right now, STOP! Do not add to it. Waiting until marriage from here on is best. Waiting until engagement is second best. Waiting until REAL commitment at the very least is third best and will at least offer some protections against "running up the score" so to speak from casual sex, etc.

Work on you, be the best you you can be, try and limit any damage, improve all the other aspects immensely and learn from mistakes.

And, like the wonderful lady who is the OP, warn others and try and steer them toward a better, happier future.

Edit: Added a word or two so a sentence "reads" better.

SouthernAthena · 2017-07-14T23:58:24+00:00

Great point that needs to be emphasized. My n-count is higher than I'd like but not as high as many, and I will say that none of my hookups did anything positive for me except possibly temporary ego validation (often followed by that ego being crushed). They were not sexually satisfying and certainly didn't get me any closer to "the one." I'm grateful that I am able to connect so well with my partner, but I would probably skip a few of my trysts if I could do it over. It especially hurts when after/during the hookup a guy starts talking about the girl he really loves or wants to be with.

vintagegirlgame · 2017-07-19T02:16:21+00:00

According to certain yoga philosophies (I'll ask for direct sources from the teacher who explained it to me) you carry parts of another person's energy/spirit/aura with you after you have sex with them. Important to note is that the timing of this is different if you're a man or a woman. A man is affected for 3 months while a woman is affected for 7 YEARS! To me this makes total sense. If you've slept with a lot of men in the past 7 years you're going to be plagued with a lot of different and conflicting energies that muddle up your own spiritual & sexual psyche.

Also, (if you're not particularly spiritual) there are new scientific studies that concludes that women carry male DNA in their brains from the men they've had sexual intercourse with. SOURCE. They found that male microchimerism was present in brain cells of women who have never had sons. The findings are still not fully understood and the researchers are actually reluctant to admit the conclusion b/c it's not going to go over well with feminists.

Heldenhaft · 2017-07-21T14:49:36+00:00

I 100% agree and am struggling with this right now. I would also like to add not just having one night stands/ hook ups but also giving or sharing very devoted sex/ intimacy with someone that is not committed to you ( whether you're in love with him, and he doesn't feel the same or a fuck buddies situation- I've been in both on two separate occasions) also has the same effect.

Sharing that deeply emotional sex, with someone that you struggle get a commitment from, makes you unable to openly be so warm and uninhibited or enthusiastic due to the past experience. And it also kind of numbs you, and in my experience it wasn't due to not being turned on. i found this person incredibly attractive physically, intellectually and he was charming and lovely.

Kissing doesn't even feel that great. It feel like acting.

So sex has lost its former magic. I have a high sex drive but i need that security of commitment, real trust and safety for it to really come out. But now I feel sexually dead

Shaela90 · 2017-07-14T12:54:05+00:00

Promiscuity has a detrimental effect on both women and men's abilities to pair bond. Also, more often than not, men are more prone to regret their wild ways. Why? RP tells us(and I wholeheartedly agree) that men are the true romantics, that need to feel inspired to do grand gestures for the women they love. Now, when your N-count, as a guy, is high, it's pretty difficult to find a woman who'll inspire those kinds of feelings. If she's wild and exciting, it's hard to trust her and she probably does not want to settle down. If she's sweet, quiet and demure, you'll crave the excitement and adventure. In a woman, that kind of feelings are usually inspired by her children rather than her partner. TRP also seems to be on the same page about this as well.

These ideas I got from a discussion on the topic with a FWB I had years back, a hot, established player with a n-count way into the hundreds. He struggled a lot with regret and feeling he's unable to fall in love anymore, he had to seek out professional help. After witnessing and talking to him about the real moral struggle he endured for years (and probably still does), I can't do much else but chuckle at the wanna-be alphas who are easy to point out that a high n-count is detrimental to women but good for men.

Also, everything is fine and dandy as long as young people have a decent support system of adults with real world knowledge and wisdom who they trust and ask advice from. But what happens to the majority of them, who don't? Yup, they have to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

Pair-bonding impairment has its benefits as well. A low n-count girl with no support system is prone to pair-bond with a guy who just wants to pump and dump her. She needs experience to be able to tell the difference between a guy who is genuinely interested in her and a player who can easily take advantage of her naivety. Let's just say this is the way standards are built. Anyone with half of a brain can get the message and learn the cues after being pumped and dumped once. Those who don't, either don't want to or are simply the kind of people who just do everything society tells them to do. If society tells them to be 'empowered' they are. If society tells them that trad-con is the new way to go, oooops, complete make-over. That's a MUCH, MUCH more serious of a red flag than their n-counts.

I'm not proud nor ashamed of my n-count, which is somewhat close to yours, OP. These last years, when I became established enough to want and be able to handle true commitment leading to marriage, I was always upfront with the guys I dated about my n-count early on, before getting intimate. It's actually one of my vetting strategies. Things will never work out good with someone who's got a problem with it. So I save both of us some heartbreak and move on. But honestly, other than insecure, jealous, low-tier guys, no one seemed to care more about the number, than for the person I am.

I'm in no way advocating promiscuity, but we don't live in a perfect world and I get really sad every time I see a young girl worried that she might be 'permanently damaged goods' because of her high(er) N-count. Yes, usually young people need to hear harsh truths. But telling someone their value as a human being or a mate is damaged beyond repair is not a harsh truth, is a blatant lie to enforce some freaky standards or insecurities. The idea might be right, but the method is oh so wrong.

OP, this last paragraph is a bit harsh and not necessarily directed at you. I just seem to write better in second person.

Your pair bonding ability is what you make of it. Take a honest, good look at yourself and break down your dating experience to figure out what could you 'get' for your SMV and RMV. Strive to be a better person and you'll naturally gravitate towards better people. Be honest with yourself, pair bonding 'impairment' might just mean the guy you just don't feel the tingles for might just be a sleaze or a loser. Or you know deep down that you could get better guys if you would just challenge yourself to improve and become a better person. It's not your n-count's fault that you're too lazy to improve.

givecake · 2017-07-17T08:09:38+00:00

This is reddit so religious things are not very popular, but short of anyone offering a better alternative, may I suggest that you talk to God about this? People have been healed of all types of things, and I believe this type of thing is not beyond God's healing either. Down-vote away..

lord-denning · 2017-07-14T06:22:56+00:00

More women need to hear this...keep spreading the word and keep it up. As for your own pair bonding abilities, yes statistically you are now less likely to pair bond the way a low n-count girl would, but those stats include the vast majority of women who have no idea what is going on and why they are so unhappy despite doing what everyone is doing...having the self knowledge to understand how your own female psyche works is one step towards ensuring you do not become a statistic.

hecate9 · 2017-07-14T10:58:56+00:00

Great post. I wish more women would understand this. Promiscuous women are harming non-promiscuous women as well, because they greatly lower the standards for everyone. Many men expect you to have sex within 2-4 dates max these days, because the bar has been set so low. Women get more attached after sex, and this is a dangerous and unhealthy dynamic for women. We need to stop pretending that we can handle casual sex. And the idea that casual sex is "empowering" is so incredibly toxic and harmful to women.

Women slowly lose their ability to trust men, when they are always a plate... imagine having been a plate 20 or 50 times, what that does to a person's mental health. When women lose their trust in men, it is impossible to have a healthy, stable, genuine and loving relationship.

tuyguy · 2017-07-14T00:53:51+00:00

I'm currently dating a woman who is 30 with a count of 2. Yes, I believe her. It shows in her personality and in her technique. Also she is very connected to me even though we've only slept together a handful of times. Other girls at this stage have been completely nonchalant.

She's 3 years older than me and I am just entering my peak years and I am just beginning to excel in work and in sex. So my first reaction is not to commit to any woman. Also given her age she is probably looking to lock me down ASAP. However, given her history I am seriously considering entering into a serious relationship with her, because I know she will be a great long term investment. She also owns a house outright. Which is unimaginably rare for young people in my city.

2017-07-14T00:19:42+00:00

I accidentally ended up skipping the cc because when I tried to lose my virginity to a stranger it hurt too much, I later discovered that I have vagisnismus which I was able to work through with the support of my long term boyfriend who is (and will be) the only person who I've had sex with. It's scary to think what it would be like if I thought about anyone else but him during those intimate moments or struggled to feel a connection. A shame the way relationships have ended up.

mymonster8u · 2017-07-16T01:14:28+00:00

Well said. Bipolar is so hard. I am like that myself. You like binge on it. Ive been raped too. Not all men are safe. Its so hard to connect now.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2017-07-14T04:58:33+00:00

Yeah , I'm similar to you. With the BP and hypersexuality and n count. I think I got lucky because I've pair bonded excellently... Twice...since then. I got off the CC at 17, maybe that has something to do with it?

I would never advise any woman to ride the CC. It isn't something I regret as I learn from it but if I had to do this over id skip that.

I hope one day you can pair bond, I think it takes a special connection.

Kiddingyoself · 2017-07-21T15:11:59+00:00

Thanks for introducing me to Lauren Southern. I had never seen, or heard of, her before, and am impressed to hear such wisdom out of someone so young.

I just came across this on Voat, and it reminded me of your post here.

Ruinedgirl22 · 2017-12-15T03:31:11+00:00

I needed to see this.

Title	Promiscuity and pair bonding
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	188
Comments	132
Date	July 13, 2017 8:36 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/promiscuity-and-pair-bonding.2645 https://theredarchive.com/post/2645
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6n4csz/promiscuity_and_pair_bonding/