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Realizing how truly annoying I am

clementinetoast
January 12, 2020
114 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen

Been trying to improve myself and become a better girlfriend, RPW style, to improve my life in general and be the best I can. Its my main "2020 resolution"

Now that ive been actually trying to remain polite and non-naggy, I am realizing what an awful habit of nagging and 'suggesting', and overall being controlling I have. I can't believe my boyfriend has put up with it for so long, but im determined he won't have to for much longer!

Just some examples from only the first WEEK of 2020 that ive noticed myself doing...

-When I drive us somewhere and have the keys, I hit the lock button twice so it makes the beep sound. When my boyfriend locks the car, he does it once so it doesn't make the beep sound. In the past, practically EVERY TIME we are walking away from the car I ask "did you lock the car?" "is the car locked?", and he always says "yes." (becuase he is a grown man who can lock a car!) Its not that I don't trust him to lock the car, I just get the impulse to 'make sure' he did it. Not only do I do this with the car, I do it with letting the dogs out, giving the dogs food/water, turning the lights off when we leave the house, etc. How absolutely annoying must that be !! And if he did forget one of these small things once, who cares! Is our car really going to be hot wired in daylight in a safeway parking lot?

-I had made some money selling at a craft faire and had him put the money in his account from an ATM that was nearby, and had him paypal it to me. I was going to use it for various home projects when I had the time (and was rambling about it to him) Well when I got the paypal notification, it wasn't the same amount I had given him, it was short a lot of money! Instead of nagging him like I wanted to do ("where is the rest of the money??") I held my tounge. Thank god I did because he promptly used the money to get everything I had mentioned for me, the next time he was out.

-Nagging him to do daily outdoor chores. This I have the hardest time with!! we live out in the boonies of alaska, in quite a difficult (but hopefully temporary) situation off grid, and we have to do things like collect and boil our water, and carry heavy things in the snow. Which I would like to be his domain while I do cleaning and things in the house, and he is happy to do all those things himself. BUT, I am so impatient I will "remind" him 3 times, get a bad attitude, gear up and take it upon myself to do all the outdoor chores so they are "done in a timely manner" (whenever arbitrary time I decide they should be done by) then be cold and mad that he didnt do them already, when the poor man is just reading the morning news and has no idea why im grumpy. Ive found if I hold my tounge, and occupy myself with anything else, he will go do them with out me "reminding" him to do so once.

These are just from the first week so im sure there are more annoying things im doing that are making my relationship worse, I can already see improvements in the general house mood when I am not doing these things! I will update more as time goes on :)

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Post Information
Title Realizing how truly annoying I am
Author clementinetoast
Upvotes 114
Comments 30
Date January 12, 2020 12:55 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/realizing-how-truly-annoying-i-am.305400
https://theredarchive.com/post/305400
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/engd1h/realizing_how_truly_annoying_i_am/
Comments

[–]Kara__El5 Stars47 points48 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It really is just about choosing your battles. My husband sucks at loading the dishwasher. He really is awful at it. He overfills it and doesn't start it, because he wants to play Tetris and somehow get more dishes in there, so they pile up in the sink, in the meantime.

... but the dishes are his thing and I almost never have to do them, because they do get done. So I keep my mouth shut and enjoy clean dishes, done by my husband, instead of ones done by me, on my terms.

[–]PhaedrusHunt1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

God bless you 🙏 Seriously

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Keep in mind the phrase, "If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid." If that's his way of doing dishes, and they get done, then that's all that matters. Conforming to your idea of how they should be done is irrelevant - and frankly, egotistical in the extreme. If they're clean, they're clean.

I don't know why this specifically seems to be an issue for a lot of women. My wife is the exact same way.

[–]Kara__El5 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I disagree. His method more often breaks dishes and doesn't get them as clean and overfills the sink, to the point that we have to place dishes next to it, until the current load finishes.

My question is "Will saying something change anything?" No. He'll either load the dishes his way or I'll load the dishes. Even if his method is stupid (your word, not mine), I'd prefer a broken plate to always having to do it myself.

[–]AnnaAerials1 Star9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hahahaha oh my gosh I’m so annoying too. God help us. Thank you for sharing , let’s aim to have 20/20 vision of 2020. Be more aware of our surroundings :)

[–]Theendisnearornot24 points25 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Kudos to you for seeing the issues! Realizing you have a problem is the first step, isn’t it? Now just keep going at it! It won’t always be easy, i it will be worth it.

[–]hidinginahippo4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It’s incredible taking a little more notice of what behaviours feel natural, isn’t it? It’s fantastic you can see your past behaviours and are working to adjust them though!

I’ve been appalled at the habits I’ve realised I have over the past few days. I’ve tried a few times to implement some of the suggestions here and it’s been lovely, really, seeing my husbands face light up when I’ve complimented him. The other day I stayed quiet when he was talking about something from his past and it was quite remarkable how much he opened up and shared. Once he had shared all he wanted to, a sincere compliment recognising the strength he showed through the adversity he faced made him choke up. What a dominating and selfish tyrant I have been for the past 7 years of our marriage. I feel quite emotional thinking about how fiercely I have loved him for over half of my life, and yet I have neglected him horribly in so many basic ways.

[–]hells_carebear2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I would love to hear more of your story and what ways you changed for the better. I feel I neglect my boyfriend as well despite the fact I am incredibly in love with him.

[–]hidinginahippo3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I feel I’m a little too early on in all this to really be able to share my wisdom, but our relationship has certainly been tested over the years. We are completely devoted to each-other though. Its been quite isolating too... our friend group was extremely liberal and filled with drama, psychological disorders running unchecked. Our relationship always felt different and its not until recently I’ve really considered it conservative or traditional. Many of our political views are rather liberal and neither of us are religious. We both hold spiritual beliefs however. Regardless, we have drifted from those people... the stresses and trials we faced began to change after we married and had our daughter, and I suppose it became harder to find common ground.

It’s funny, the other day I was talking to him about how when I worked my favourite job was being second in command and how I felt most free then, with having the authority to do what was needed but also having somebody to look towards as well. The whole captain/first mate idea has really resonated with me and captured that feeling perfectly. I suppose I’ve always felt a desire to be submissive; managing others wasn’t ever fun or enjoyable and working for myself was an exercise in anxiety and psychological distress. I shine when I am supporting another person I respect.

My current priorities are:

  • reducing my weight so that I feel more comfortable in my body to help with...
  • improved sexual relations - I have ptsd which has made it hard. And my heart breaks for those nights my husband felt rejected. No more.
    • observations and compliments when the opportunity arises, particularly in masculine areas or things I know he values such as being a gentleman with good manners
  • practicing stepping aside so he can make the decisions he needs to. If large businesses trust him with critical work and will fly him around the world to ensure large projects are completed accurately then why on earth can I not allow him to get on with things that don’t even matter?!
  • getting back into the swing of managing our home well

With regards to feeling as though you neglect your partner, perhaps a useful activity might be to write out in great detail a perfect day together (if you live together) or a perfect date or encounter. Whilst writing it may become apparent the areas where you haven’t always behaved in the best ways, and where you may be able to support him better. It is hard to accept your own poor behaviour but all we can do is analyse it, allow ourselves to feel any emotions that arise from the discoveries and deal with them appropriately. Then it’s possible to decide what actions need to be taken and finally work out small ways to implement them.

[–]hells_carebear0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I really really appreciate this comment. Thank you.

[–]hidinginahippo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re very welcome!

[–]hisdhakini2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s such an ongoing process! You start to see one layer, after the fact, while you’re doing it, then when you have the impulse. Then you see another layer of habits, and go through the process again. It starts to be fun; it’s like “oh! I see how that’s annoying in other people, les figure out this puzzle for myself!”.

One thought, make sure to show him appreciation for doing the outdoor work. Make the satisfying, enjoyable dinner.... rub his shoulders and say “thank you for XYZ”. Even if they’re the mundane things, we all like to be witnessed for the little things we do. That also helps him be excited to do it.... and you get to show appreciation.

And.... are you taking time to slow down? Is there a “why are you being lazy, while I’m working so hard?” mentality? Are you annoyed with him for taking a quiet moment, because you won’t? I’m not saying to be lazy.... I am saying to appreciate a few quiet moments between all the work you do.

Kudos for figuring it out! You’re making progress; it’s such a journey. Just take time for the roses and appreciate the small things, yeah?

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]hisdhakini2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re different people, and have different needs!

Seriously though, a chill morning routine is amazing. I’m also a morning person, but I have developed a 90- minute routine. Meditation, yoga, tea, self coaching/ thought work. It just creates a nice baseline for the day, and prepares me to be in the best place possible emotionally.

[–]MagicDoggos2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As a male, seeing you mention this "annoying" behavior makes me realize that I, too, happen to do this sometimes. I'll try and act kinda like you did to help out my girlfriend, thanks for sharing you experiences!

[–]anonymous7492983991 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The book Men are from Mars women are from Venus REALLY helped me realise how to show a man my appreciation for the things he does, so he consistently does them (to make me happy), as opposed to nagging him to do things. A classic but genuinely the most useful book I’ve ever read!

[–]Taters02901 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are among annoying friends here! I’ve been working on similar things. I too have discovered how bossy and naggy I am. I’ve improved compared to how I used to be too. Yeesh!

[–]where_muh_good_mens5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I am realizing what an awful habit of nagging and 'suggesting', and overall being controlling I have.

Part of fulfilling a mans desire is to be a supportive partner in a feminine way that makes him feel useful and appreciated. Wanting to ensure he is doing the things you need him to is natural since you are relying on him so greatly. The more you find you are observing his actions and results the more insecure you actually are with what he can do for you or the more control you think you need to have because he is lacking confidence or lets you have the upper hand.

Part of his contribution to ensuring your security is delegating tasks and running the household. If you find when you are doing chores and are out of sync of sorts with his responsibilities, then it may be a sign he has not taken the reigns as well as you would hope for him to. By busying yourself and getting things done early, you are expressing to him that he needs to delegate better, that there is uncertainty and you don't want to be the lagging end of the yoke. This grants you an interpersonal high ground as a preemptive strategy against any deflection he may make to your concerns.

You are attempting to nag less, but you aren't exactly reducing the feelings that cause you to stew in the first place. Don't chase the dragon, instead kill it while it sleeps. But that part of the adventure is something you are going to have to figure out, because you aren't going to insert leadership tokens into him by communicating the problem. He needs to see the problem organically and be diligent to taking care of the household better (in terms of direction, not chores). You can trigger this in him by being vulnerable and proving you rely on his insights.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Often the desire to nag stems from difficulty ceding control and has little to do with the particular man. You are trying to interpret a woman's behavior without being inside a woman's mind.

[–]where_muh_good_mens-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Often the desire to nag stems from difficulty ceding control

I addressed this and offered a solution.

You are trying to interpret a woman's behavior without being inside a woman's mind.

I don't need to understand what a woman is thinking to know what is best for her. Men know what women need, women know what men want. This is why RPW exists, not to shadow TRP with their own strategy, but to exploit it with what men are learning and collectively sharing from watching how women work in a society that allows and encourages disorder.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You appear to be blaming the problem on her SO and I disagree that this is the issue. Sometimes it's necessary for a woman to give the man space to do it his way. It's not his fault if she cannot take that step back and recognize her way is not the only way.

Men know what women need, women know what men want

If this were true TRP, RPW and all of the relationship advice subs would not exist. Women would not share their troubles with their husband's, fathers would not pass on wisdom to their sons about women.

[–]where_muh_good_mens-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You appear to be blaming the problem on her SO and I disagree that this is the issue.

I'm not blaming the man. I am saying her feelings aren't necessarily wrong and there is something man can do to resolve them. She feels the need to ensure her partner is taking care of the household properly. Whether or not he actually is, is irrelevant. If she doesn't want to feel that way (due to insecurity) then there is something he can do to resolve those feelings. I also explained what she could do in order for him to organically acknowledge her insecurity and then to jump at the opportunity to provide for her in that way.

Sometimes it's necessary for a woman to give the man space to do it his way.

I agree with this, but her problem isn't that she is or is not doing something, it is that she "feels" a certain way. She will need to resolve those feelings or the relationship will be in peril.

It's not his fault if she cannot take that step back and recognize her way is not the only way.

That isn't her problem. She is insecure in the relationship.

Men know what women need, women know what men want

If this were true TRP, RPW and all of the relationship advice subs would not exist.

TRP exists because women no longer need a man. They have the state and the resources of other men at their disposal.

RPW exists because women no longer utilize their social strengths to get what they need out of men. They give undeserving men what those men want, rather than to a good provider.

Relationships have problems when either partner is not getting their value out of the relationship. Therefore, relationships will always have problems and then require external feedback or diligent introspection to resolve those problems. Since humans are blissfully ignorant and gravitate towards complacency, those interpersonal issues will always exist regardless of the traditional value system imposed at the societal level or the TRP practices at the individual level.

Women would not share their troubles with their husband's, fathers would not pass on wisdom to their sons about women.

Women always share their troubles with their husbands because he is utility for her to solve her troubles, even if she doesn't need his resources because society already provides that.

Fathers don't pass on their wisdom to their sons when society is controlled by foreign forces and deception lays the land barren of agency, prudence and prosperity. But that isn't something RPW should be concerned with.

[–]ShootingDanks1 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for sharing! Hope you don't mind me pointing this out, but I figure once is a typo, two is a habit.

Instead of nagging him like I wanted to do ("where is the rest of the money??") I held my tounge.

Ive found if I hold my tounge, and occupy myself with anything else, he will go do them with out me "reminding" him to do so once.

The 'u' is a little bit further along usually; "tongue".

It's definitely something we should all remember to do. My husband calls me a ray of light in his life and admittedly, sometimes I'm closer to a stormcloud than sunlight.

[–]DavidLoPan130 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

It’s sounds like u might have a touch of ocd.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]DavidLoPan130 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I dated a girl like that once. I ended up breaking up with her cause it got too annoying

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]DavidLoPan130 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well just be open with him about what ur trying to do. Maybe he can help you succeed. The fact that your self aware is a good start.

[–]saltlamp670 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am trying to improve as well! I come from a big Italian family. Every one of my grandmothers, great aunts, aunts, etc is a big nag. To be fair, their husbands laugh it off and don’t seem upset. I’m very serious with my current boyfriend, so I found myself being tempted to do this. He’s not Italian though, lol. So I’m trying to break the cycle for him ;)

Sorry if I offended any lovely Italian women! Trust me I think you’re just the best haha

[–]saltlamp670 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve come to accept that just because something isn’t being done in a way that makes sense to me, if it’s still being done i should still just sit back and be thankful. I’ve learned that while my boyfriend and I do things pretty differently, like how we cook, clean, etc, the way he does it gets the job done too. I had to learn this through observation though, because I just thought there’s no way he’s doing this right.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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