~ archived since 2018 ~

Reoccurring problem

February 19, 2017

Well, not my own relationship. But there is the same exact problem I noticed that happened to three of my girlfriends relationships and I'm curious as to thoughts on why this phenomenon happens.

Basically, my friends contributed a lot to their relationships and in essence feel like they've "made their boyfriend/husband into the man that he is now" (meaning career). And all their partners ended up cheating on them, and now my girlfriends feel resentful because "he wouldn't be the man he is without me and then he has the nerve to have an affair."

One example is my friend used to be a career woman in finance, and she basically advised her husband in economic growth because he was climbing the ladder to become CEO level. He achieved his goal, then he had an affair and she's extremely resentful because she feels his success is due to her. Also she had supported him with her high salary while he was studying his MBA (now she's a SAHM living on his salary).

I'm sure there's more to it (perhaps there was some shrew attitudes knowing all three of these girlfriends are a bit aggressive) but this seems to be a recurring problem.

Are these cases of domineering women trying to mold their men? Lack of respect? Too much control? Not letting him "earn you" and giving too much? Too much advising and not enough listening?

Wouldn't a man who chose a women who made him into a better man, cherish her? Why did these men have affairs if his woman supported him and his successes?

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Post Information
Title Reoccurring problem
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 12
Comments 52
Date February 19, 2017 10:44 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

"I'm just trying to help," in woman translates into "I'm going to nag you to death," in man.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

There's definitely a huge difference between supporting and controlling. I supported my husband financially for the first year of his startup. But I didn't nag/fuss/direct him. I was a sounding board when he needed it, and gave advice when it was requested.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's true. These situations just make me nervous because RPW is all about "what do you contribute to the relationship?" Instead of being entitled and taking his resources. But my friends contributed a lot to the relationship and then look what happened. But perhaps was the wrong kind of contribution - it was a domineering masculine contribution and directly related to his career instead of a soft feminine contribution that helped his personal life.

[–]mrpthrowa4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Contribute through soft actions not words. Words = nagging in almost all cases. Nagging = acting like a mother = he'll want to fill that partner void.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Knowing those three friends, they're not very sympathetic or soft women. They "hate children" and have talkative domineering personalities. So perhaps it was their attitudes. However, the husbands/boyfriends willing took their advice though and it did help them in their success.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just because it was good career advice doesn't mean they didn't feel emasculated/resent it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm, that's true. She kept saying "he wouldn't have understood long-term investment if it weren't for me because I was the one to teach him." It's makes me glad I'm not actually a super smart woman, haha. She's too smart and very calculative in her thinking.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Willing took the advice or were so hen pecked and desperate to get these women of their backs?

[–]violetpiecrisis1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I love this quote so much I want to embroider it onto a pillow for every wedding gift to come.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]teaandtalk5 Stars13 points14 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Wouldn't a man who chose a women who made him into a better man, cherish her? Why did these men have affairs if his woman supported him and his successes?

If she 'made him into a better man' by supporting him and being a soft place to land, i'm sure he wouldn't have. But if she 'made him into a better man' by nagging and making him feel like he owed her for financial support and shaping his career trajectory, I can understand how he'd end up resenting her and having an affair with someone less shrew-like.

[–]est-la-lune5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link


I don't want to be my boyfriend's career coach. I want to be his safety net. The best way I can help him is to make sure he's comfortable and has the resources to take advantage of opportunities, not barrage him with career strategies when he comes home and wants to relax.

We have entirely different career goals and I'm much happier that way. I couldn't micromanage his career even if I wanted to.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The thing is, he enjoyed her career advice. I feel like he took advantage of that. Maybe it was a vetting issue, she didn't understand her feminine role and instead the relationship was very businesslike instead of comforting. They both allowed it to happen though, because he asked her to marry him.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I mean, it does sound he took advantage of that, I certainly wouldn't condone his actions. But amorally speaking, my take is this: a career coach and a girlfriend are really different relationships, that take place in entirely different realms.

I know people who coach companies and/or execs. They don't give out too much free advice without a contract dictating the price of their time and expertise. If they gave someone terrific advice, guidance, etc. for years and then found that person moved on after their utility had been exhausted, I'm sure they'd be annoyed but would also understand they had failed to negotiate in advance. (Incidentally people aren't usually that rude b/c in most industries, reputation matters, but that's neither here nor there). That's a relationship that exists in the cold, pragmatic world of the free market & modern day professionalism.

I think when disaster can happen is when a couple gets confused about what realm they're really operating in. A GF contributes to a romantic relationship, a romantic relationship is part of a man's personal life; the rules and dynamics of that world are super different, and in most cases, when someone is the warmest, most cherished part of your emotional landscape, it's not easy at all to walk away from what they provide you (unlike walking away from a business relationship). So I think as a GF your focus has to be on succeeding in THAT realm, contributing to THAT part of his life.

Just as you wouldn't say, "Oh my god, I can't believe after all those years of loyalty and affection, this vendor now wants to go with a cheaper supplier!" because you don't expect intimate-life-loyalty from business relationships, giving advice on investments doesn't generate intimate-life-loyalty.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have a feeling she didn't nag him into owing her though. She may have nagged but he definitely still chose to marry her. That's why I find it so strange. I feel like maybe she gave way too much on her end, thinking that's what he wanted but it didn't lead to relationship harmony.

[–]Bamfmaiden6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep, the method matters. I see women "molding" men to be what they want them to be. And I wonder, do they men really want the same thing? If they don't then it makes sense they would rebel -- transference-- by having an affair.

[–]c_a_l_m5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is not to imply that it was "their fault somehow," because I don't know these women. How could I possibly know?

I do hope, though, that this anecdote sticks in the mind, as it illustrates the importance of vetting. Sometimes you can't see it coming, obviously, but (also obviously) sometimes you can.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, you never know exactly what happened. Maybe it was the character of the man. No one really knows. I just wonder if it could have been prevented on the women's end? Either through vetting or relationship skills?

[–]mrpthrowa5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

If you act like a mother to a man he'll want a partner somewhere else.

[–]radioactivities93 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Be a Lover, not a Mother. Why anyone wants to mother a man who ain't their son is beyond me. I think it happens accidentally, copying what we see from our families and others.

Shouldn't even mother kids that much!

[–]WholesomeAwesome0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

what's being a mother to man mean here?

I'm having an impression it's bad mother stuff.

[–]radioactivities91 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Trying to direct him and nagging him about stuff.

[–]WholesomeAwesome0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh, what about taking care of him, perhaps a little like a child, like a family member. Like emotional support?

[–]radioactivities90 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Things like cooking are motherly, just because theyre (still, at least) traditionally womanly, but are not mothering.

We emotionally support all people we care of, dont we, not like a child.

sounds good.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I kind of pity the woman, though... She made a lot of sacrifice for him so that he can become successful. She stayed with him when he had nothing and now he did this to her. Not many women want to stay with a man that has not fully established his career these days...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's a nice way to encourage and support someone though rather than nagging and goading.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Yes, relationships are complicated obviously but it felt to me like she did a lot of active molding instead of feminine support. Like she offered to support him financially while he studied his MBA. Then she quit her job so he could be the successful one. It's a horrible feeling for her for sure, but I think maybe she shouldn't have given so much in the first place. And perhaps there was nagging in the works...

[–]Eosei0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Maybe still there never was a man she could've gotten with whom this affair wouldn't have happened. Like maybe there never was an optimal option for her, maybe she was destined to make some sacrifice, either get her career and her interaction style and not a family (because there aren't that many men who could've "dealt" with her), or get the guy she got and have it turn out the way it did.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly, and this just proves how difficult it is for a high status career woman. She has to sacrifice either her career or her family. When she married, she was the height of her career - assistant vice president with benefits coming out of your ears (her private chauffeur drove a Porsche, she always had box concert tickets with the royal family, luxury Italian clothing). If the husband was attracted to her when she was high status, he will always wish for her to have that high status. And for her, she claimed she would never have married "a manager," she would have only settled for a CEO type man. That made her life difficult because women always want to marry up. And her husband may have chosen her for the wrong reasons as well.

They live a swanky life, and she won't settle for less. And she's very unhappy. Sometimes I think it's just better to be a average middle class Joe. 1% type people will never be satisfied because they always want more.

Now my friend feels stuck because the husband is complaining she's not as high status anymore, because she's a SAHM. But he was the one who asked her to be a SAHM. He also seems like he has unforgiving standards. And she can't go back to work because she can't settle for a clerical or secretary job - how could she, after being assistant VP? That type of job requires sacrifice of family.

Anyways, again it's none of my business, but just good to be aware and try to prevent this from happening to any of us, and a good reminder that having a high status career makes our lives more difficult even if we find a partner.

[–]nonnimoose0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

She quit her job so that he could be the successful one or so that she could stay home with the kid? Huge difference there.

She had a nice little life plan for herself and she led her husband into it: I'll support us while you increase your earning potential, then you will a lucrative but stressful career so that I can enjoy being a SAHM.

Quality men don't need their wives to quit their jobs so that they can look like the successful one. They don't need women to "advise them in economic growth" (whatever that means) in order to advance in their careers. They do it on their own. If it's important to a woman to be with the kind of man who can do this, she needs to become the kind of woman who can attract that kind of guy.

On the other hand, if it's important to a woman to have high career and financial status for it's own worth, she should work on it for herself. It's 2017 for ffs, not 1917.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Apparently her husband told her to choose - if she married him she would have to quit her job and stay home. So she chose to quit her job rather than keep climbing the ladder. Whether or not she preferred to stay home or let him be the successful one, I'm not sure. But I feel like that was her way of being "submissive" - again, can you imagine a female career woman being submissive?

But I understand where you're coming from - either she let her husband have the success/stress so she could live the quiet life, or if she was just trying to contribute to her husband so he would marry her because she was post wall at 36 when they married. I have a feeling she quit just so she could be married, because she's still an alpha female that thrives on success.

[–]nonnimoose1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But I feel like that was her way of being "submissive" - again, can you imagine a female career woman being submissive?

Yes. I am assertive, competent and highly qualified at work. This was true before I quit a successful career to be a SAHM and after I went back to work. My husband has always supported my goals and yes, I am submissive to him.

[–]Gardrothard1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It depends on the man. It could be woman's fault. But it could also be that the man was being nice and faithful because he was never in a position to be something else and this just let him do what he really wants.

[–]TheWrathofShane1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sometimes what you want is wicked and deceitful. Its not always about what you want its about whats right. Thats the problem with millennials. Women just want to have fun and settle down later. Then they get into committed relationships, but one where they can bail any day of the week and its called empowerment. You cant trust anybody.

I dont know how bad the nagging was or how much he tried to work it out. But at the end of the day he gave up on his marriage and she is correct.

[–]Vector-Sigma1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, who knows?

All I can say is that I don’t think providing career advice contributes to sexual attraction and emotional intimacy. I certainly don’t feel emotionally close or sexually attracted to any mentors at work, just grateful I know some smart cookies who were able to provide good advice. And thus I’m more likely to maintain favourable business relationships with them.

My partner and I work in different fields, but we also have previous experience in each other’s fields, just enough to understand the basic technical details. But what we discuss tends to be the social/emotional aspects of the job – dealing with lazy coworkers, strict bosses, teamwork etc. Ironically most of our discussion on work centers around “why can’t we just go to work and do a job instead of dealing with politics?”. This kind of discussion is roughly equal – it’s not one of us consistently providing advice to the other. I do think from a strong emotional connection to occur, there must be reciprocity. Not in a ‘you scratch me back, now you scratch mine’ but this feeling that we can rely on each other to provide support when we need it. A type of relationship you cannot expect at work or from a therapist.

Back when my partner was jobless, we both moved in with my mum for mates rates on rent. My mum (divorcee) nags a lot. Mum felt she successfully nagged my partner all the way to a job. I do think it might have worked, but because of the additional motivation to be able to afford our own place to move away from her. And I could see how the nagging effected their relationship – she became stressful to live with. If I felt the need to nag that much, I would have broken up first! Mum may have done me a solid by doing the nagging for me, but I don’t think it was worth it. As she lives on her own, she’d probably prefer we live with her to keep her company. I feel a romantic relationship should be one where you both have that ‘soft place to land’ as discussed on RPW. Otherwise you have parents, you have mentors, you have bosses and you have therapists to fill the other roles.

I'm sure there's more to it

It’s hard to nail it down. Perhaps her husband has a tendency to fall in love with domineering women, but when the honeymoon period wears off, he’s on to the next one. Or perhaps he stayed with her because she’s the best he could get. And then his SMV increased (social status increase) and could do better. Or he’s a selfish advantage taker who used her to advance his career. Who knows? Women cheat like that too – he provides everything, she’s a housewife, she gets lonely and cheats.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Or he’s a selfish advantage taker who used her to advance his career.

I think it was more this. My friend mentioned that because she was assistant VP in some swanky job, she frequently got VIP invitations and she had private chauffeurs. She basically had a higher status life. And she offered her benefits to her husband and I believe he took advantage. Maybe he didn't understand what kind of relationship he wanted either. Because now that she's a SAHM, he tells her she's become unattractive because she's not so high status. Of course this is due to the man's character too, maybe he wasn't searching for a soft woman. He used her to become high status and expected her to stay the same even when she became a SAHM. The other two men are also business oriented/socialite men.

Anyways, obviously it's none of my business, but I wanted to understand to prevent this from happening to myself, especially since it seems to be a common problem (women "molding/contributing" to men and then they cheat in return).

[–]robobobobobot points points [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Relevant how?

[–]TheLaughingRhino points points [recovered] | Copy Link

In Robert Glover's book, No More Mr Nice Guy ( though in this case, it would be No More Mrs Nice Girl I suppose) , he discusses "covert contracts" and how they are toxic to people.

A covert contract would be, I ask you out, I take you out for dinner, I pay for dinner, then I expect sex afterwards. I feel I am entitled to sex because I paid for you dinner. None of this is verbalized. ( I don't actually feel this way, this is an example)

The flip side, a girl meets a guy, she likes him, she was a COMMITMENT. She has sex with him to lure him into commitment. Nothing is overtly spoken. He pumps her, dumps her and hard nexts her. She is miserable and angry. She feels entitled to a commitment because she felt she gave something of immense value to trade for it.

There is NOTHING WRONG with a transaction situation if that's what is plainly stated. Plainly stated would be, "I'm investing in you as a person, I'm putting time, money and effort into helping you develop your life. In the end of this, I expect to see a return on this investment. I want fidelity and commitment and respect and if I can't have these things long term, I won't invest in you"


"Listen lady, I'm just here for casual sex. I'm not looking for commitment of any kind. I won't pretend to want commitment to just have sex. If this isn't what you want, then we should not waste any more time and I wish you luck in pursuit of what you want long term for your goals"

Obviously there are gentler ways to be overt and direct about your intentions.

Best answer - Do things you want to do, but expect no return. If you have no expectations, you will never be disappointed.

Is it right to cheat? No, these guys are all worthless douchebags. If any of these women were my sisters, I'd literally gun down these dudes.

If you are in a LTR, make your expectations clear and overt.

If you are in a LTR, no matter how hard you vet, sadly to say it, but expect to be left at any time for any reason.

( Over time, seeing many friends or guys from college or guys I've worked with, seeing multiple divorces, cheating, domestic violence, infidelity, swinging, cuckolding, paternity fraud, lying, deceit, brutality, etc, nothing surprises me anymore, sadly so though. If someone I knew got cheated on by their spouse and their spouse was having sex with a farm animal, it would not surprise me at this point in my life. I don't think I'm fully jaded all the way around, I just realize most people can never truly "know" another person and even with strong vetting, it still comes down to trusting someone else with your emotional state. )

Sort of not a pleasant thing to say, people will do what is in line with their character. If you follow a person's character, their actions, most of them, become predictable. 100 percent? No, not that accurate, but I'd still say a good gauge.

A person who cheats in a LTR is a low character person. People will tend to bypass signs of low character for a couple of reasons i.e. they jumped into commitment too fast, didn't want or know how to read the red flags or their own poor character in place didn't see the problems evident ( i.e. a cheater doesn't see the moral conflicts of another cheater, I'm not saying your friends here cheated or would cheat though, it's again an example)


  • NO COVERT CONTRACTS. State your expectations clearly and upfront. If the nature of the discussion is purely transactional, then state that upfront

  • Do only things you want to do, without any regard for return ons said "investment" ( This is fundamentally why many people do or give to charity and never discuss it, the external validation of others approval with others hear about is a form of "payment" to some)

  • Be of high character and constantly filter out bad character. Spend the time to get to know someone before you commit to them.

  • Always be prepared to leave any relationship at any time and always be prepared that your LTR/co parent/spouse can leave at any time or any reason, even one you think is insanely stupid.

I dated a girl who put her ex BF through his Master Degree. They talked marriage and all that. The day he graduated and got his first big paying job, he dumped her. It's not just men getting hosed by women out there, lots of people are crappy about all of this, i.e the situation you describe.

This is inherently a risk any time you put yourself out there in a relationship. I'm not sure there's a full on way to mitigate it.

Dance like no one's watching Sing like no ones listening Love like you've never been hurt Live like it's heaven on Earth

That's the hard part, the new person isn't the old people, and it's hard to "Love like you've never been hurt" But it's the only chance anyone has to move on and find a good person after a bad experience. New people can't pay the tab of old people. Nor should you be expected to as well if you meet someone who was burned before.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry for the pain of your friends here. No one deserves that.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Be of high character and constantly filter out bad character. Spend the time to get to know someone before you commit to them.

Regarding my friend's example, she married this guy pretty quickly. I think from the first meeting to marriage was 1.5 years. She also ran in a elite business circle (finance/investment) and I think those people tend to be greedy heartless money oriented people, know what I mean? She was wearing all the luxury Italian clothing and had a private chauffeur that drove a Porsche. And she gained 6 or 7 kg after having children and her husband nagged her all the time - he would compare her to his ex girlfriend, the one he had eventually had an affair with. She did lose the weight but my God, can you imagine being treated like that? He also complained she stopped having swanky benefits like she had when she was assistant VP. But how can he expect her to be the same status if he himself asked her to be a SAHM?

Just examples like this make me depressed. I feel like a WGTOW because it feels like my man could divorce/have an affair if I got fat, became boring, became a shrew, got wrinkles, became depressed, etc. I feel like I can't trust anyone but my own parents. Knowing that marriage is just a contract between two non-blood related people...that can be broken at any time. It feels like I'm really on my own, just like MGTOW.

My friend is 46 and she knows she's "an old woman" - she's actually still very slim and physically attractive. But she's got too much life experience under her belt nothing phases her anymore. Her previous assistant vice president career blows 95% of men's careers on this planet and the swanky life she lives with her husband. She considered divorce but she told me - where would she go? She hasn't been working in a decade and she has two children in elementary school. Her parents aren't going to help her. She feels stuck. I know men feel disposable but when women are middle aged and unattractive, we're left completely alone.

When I hear her talk like this I feel so sad for her. She's trying really hard to get some sort of "benefits" even though she's not working at all. She was able to get VIP tickets to a tennis open and free concert tickets by networking at the golf course. But she's working her ass off to win her husband's approval again. I just feel like crying for her.

Obviously I don't know what the relationship was like - maybe she was a shrew that drove her husband to have an affair. Maybe they married for the wrong reasons. Maybe her husband is a serious asshole and she didn't see through him. Maybe her swanky posh lifestyle led to too much arrogance and unhappiness in the end. But I just hope to God I don't end up like her. Most likely not, because I'm not that successful, but her story is always at the back of my mind.

[–]the_baumer1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yeah it's scary and not uncommon. I remember a post on the TwoXChromosomes subreddit about how a woman supported her husband through med school and residency and in turn he began to criticize how she looks and how much less she was than other doctors' trophy wives. She felt like he was getting ready to have an affair or just divorce and upgrade altogether.

This is why I'm likely to stay away from high status men. It's great they have career success but then that translates into wanting more and more into your personal life. If you can support yourself and have ambitions other than career thats the right balance for me personally. There's more to life than work and having the best things.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think this is my biggest fear - that the more high status my husband becomes, he'll also want a better woman. My boyfriend right now is a struggling engineer/entrepreneur, but what if he becomes extremely rich and successful? Will he want a supermodel girlfriend instead of a lowly teacher (me)?

[–]the_baumer0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

More importantly than the career is the type of person he is. My former CEO of a tech startup actually married a high school drama teacher when he was running his company - so it's not like it can't happen! He is incredibly nice, smart, driven and is very happy with her years later. If your husband has more narcissistic qualities and is generally shallow or materialistic then that's more likely he'll be willing to "upgrade" in my opinion.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, that made me feel better. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is not shallow because he's had some pretty gorgeous girls but didn't stay with them - he actually ended up dating an extremely overweight girl who was very intelligent and artistic. They broke up for other reasons though, not due to her looks or status.

And there was an article circulating about billionaires and their wives - many of whom had average looking wives. So not all rich successful men will look to upgrade or only marry supermodels, for sure.

[–]nonnimoose1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'm calling BS on the notion that a woman can make her "boyfriend/husband into the man that he is now." If these women wanted to become CEOs (or whatever level of achievement/status they feel they deserve) they should have put the effort into themselves instead of their men. Why didn't they? There are plenty of female CEOs out there, why aren't they one of them? They need to face the reality that while they (maybe) had the smarts, they didn't have the ambition and drive that their men did.

The fact that they now feel they deserve credit for their husband's financial success speaks volumes about their entitlement issues.

she had supported him with her high salary while he was studying his MBA (now she's a SAHM living on his salary).

She got exactly what she bargained for. She invested in his education and the return on that investment is she gets to stay home with her kids.

Wouldn't a man who chose a women who made him into a better man, cherish her?

So you think this guy is thinking, gee I'd be a loser shmuck instead of the successful attractive guy I am if I hadn't met my wife? That's laughable. Here's what he's really thinking

Why did these men have affairs if his woman supported him and his successes?

Indeed, why. Maybe things were lacking in the bedroom. Maybe she got fat, boring, shrewish and generally unattractive. Maybe she was simply wonderful and he's an asshole. The only thing that's certain is the fact that her putting him through school in no way increased his sexual desire for her.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Actually, she had a higher status career than him at the time they met. She was assistant vice president of some big financial investment company, while he was just some lowly "general manager." She claims she taught him long-term investment (because that was her field), supported him financially while he studied his MBA, offered him networking and other swanky benefits because she was in a higher position. That's why she claims she "molded his success." (Just to make the story more clear, I agree with you in general though)

She got exactly what she bargained for. She invested in his education and the return on that investment is she gets to stay home with her kids.

This would have been Wonderland except the fact that the husband had an affair because he claims she's boring because she lacks the high status when she was a career woman. And he was the one to ask her to stay home with the kids. So how is she able to maintain her high status which was the attraction point for her husband, while being a SAHM (again, because of her husband's wishes)?

Again, maybe there was some shrew thrown in the works (can you imagine being married to a female assistant vice president of financial investment? I mean that just tells you the type of personality right there)

The only thing that's certain is the fact that her putting him through school in no way increased his sexual desire for her.

Regardless of her own career success, this is probably the deeper reason. Maybe there was no sexual desire in the first place. Maybe the intentions were wrong on both ends.

[–]nonnimoose0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm having a hard time with a woman who agrees to be a SAHM just because her husband wants her to. She sounds like one of those people who can never be happy. She had the high status job, but that wasn't enough for her - had to have a guy with one too. Does she find one? No, she finds the "lowly" general manager (wow, what what snob) and works on molding him. Does she want to be a SAHM? Apparently not, but thinks it makes her husband, and in turn her, look more "high status."

I know plenty of women with big jobs that are fun people in (what looks like from the outside) happy marriages with well adjusted children. It's not impossible.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm having a hard time with a woman who agrees to be a SAHM just because her husband wants her to.

She was post wall (36) when they married. I have a feeling she would have done anything to be married, including agree to be a SAHM, because she was running out of time.

No, she finds the "lowly" general manager (wow, what what snob) and works on molding him.

That's why it's disadvantageous for a female to have a high status career - Hypergamy. This just proves it. I even bugged my eyes out when she said "Can you imagine me marrying a general manager? I would never do that" while I'm sitting next to her happily dating a struggling engineer/entrepreneur.

She sounds like one of those people who can never be happy.

Yeah, this. She just won't settle for less. She's built her own status so high that she's used to private chauffeur, posh European vacations, VIP tickets, luxury clothes, elite social circles. It just puts in perspective the fast posh rich life doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. I'm perfectly happy walking around with my boyfriend eating $1 samosas and cooking at home.

[–]nonnimoose0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't think this data point of one proves anything about women in high status careers! I know plenty of high-earning women that are very happy with their lesser-earning s.o.'s and and with their lives in general.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's true - I also know of a few female breadwinners. I guess it's just her...

[–]WholesomeAwesome0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There could also be something with the man.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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