Hi RPW,
If you missed the episode last night you can catch it here: Episode 10 - Alpha Widows
We haven't gotten transcripts yet but for those interested in the topic, I'm posting the show notes that we created. It's in outline form which does not translate well to Reddit so please forgive me for the flow. Obviously things are more fleshed out in the actual episode but I'm happy to explain here if anything seems confusing.
Enjoy!
Defining Alpha Widow: A woman (typically but not necessarily post-wall) who has been abandoned by an Alpha male. No matter how great her new man is, she will perceive him as failing to meet the standard of the alpha she was previously associated with. Due to hypergamy, a woman cannot date backwards, once she gets say, a male 8, she cannot date below a male 8 and be happy with him. If she does, she is just using said man for resources (BB) and doesn't really love him. Essentially, a damaged woman accustomed to a tier of man she can no longer attract.
Why alpha widows matter to men
Women’s Perspective – Possible Avenues of Alpha Widowhood
Ex: you were in competition with another woman an lost
Ex: he engaged in manipulation tactics that drew you to him (intermittent reward)
How is it different from a normal break up?
Time influenced by: how long you’ve had the habit, if the behavior is integrated into your life, rewards associated, if other behaviors reinforce the habit, motivation to change
Motivation to change is big for the AW
If you can’t see any of his flaws – you might be an alpha widow
If you are still faithful to him even though you haven’t seen each other in a year – YMBAAW
If you can’t make connections with other men – YMBAAW
If you can’t even swipe right on other men – YMBAAW
- But differentiate from traumatic experiences – domestic abuse or actual widowhood for example are outside of the scope here
Prevention
Break ups happen, but you can avoid men who are not interested in LTR or FWB situation
Choose when to have sex wisely
Avoid casual sex
- The more partners you have the more likely one will be ‘the best’ – or you’ll have an instant chemistry that is hard to replicate
- This is especially true for who you lose your virginity to
Longer term if the attraction is there, learning about each other develops good sex over time
Getting Over Him
“Normal” Breakup – in no particular order of importance
This is very easy in a normal break up, if you can’t think of anything that he did wrong, YMBAAW and you need to put this on hold and come back to it.
If all you can think of is his flaws then you are not clear headed enough to do this and you need to come back to it later
Pick up your hobbies and friends, get out there and be social, you are only allowed to wallow in self pity for a short time
- What did you like about him that you could do for yourself – this is especially good for an AW - Ex: was he a gourmet chef? Take a cooking class / Ex: Did you love his motorcycle? Learn to ride / Ex: Did he have a hot body? Get in shape
- We pine for things in other people that we yearn for in ourselves
- These things take some of the ‘awe’ away from the guy for the AW
- Taking up hobbies that interest you get you involved socially with men who have qualities that you have been attracted to
Take a period to remember and mourn and the lock that shit down
- You keep feelings alive for yourself by constantly talking about and remember them
- This will destroy new relationships and potential relationships – fondly reminiscing about your ex on a first date? Red Army!
- Keeps you from focusing on new relationship (this is a big AW problem)
Take time in nun mode to reset yourself
- You need time away from dating so you aren’t looking for a carbon copy (easy replacement
- Alternative: you need time so you aren’t going polar opposite
- Time out of the market refreshes you and helps the alpha not overshadow all new men
Alpha Widow Break Ups
Get your friends to tell you all his flaws.
- Need to take him off the pedestal.
Envision your ideal man and list his qualities (wait until you’ve been NC with Mr. Alpha for at least 6 months)
- Consider men you’ve admired in life – dad, coaches, teachers, bosses, coworkers
- Even consider celebs you are physically attracted to
- You want to measure your future partners against an ideal not against Mr. Alpha
- You know the ideal is that – ideal and are aiming to get as close to it as reasonable, where as Mr Alpha seems real and attainable even if he isn’t
Let’s assume he’s really that awesome:
- Reframe your thinking as gratitude for having the experience in the first place
- Don’t let sadness and loss turn to bitterness and anger
Get that great yourself
- SMV: Female beauty is highly controllable
- Learn makeup, learn hair, revamp your wardrobe, get to the gym
- RMV: Work on skills that are desirable to the type of man you want to attract
Start dating
- Keep an open mind about meeting a worthwhile guy
- Accept dates
- You should be going out and socializing already, keep an open mind
- Tinder, OLD etc – if you find yourself skipping over men because they aren’t Mr. Alpha – start accepting dates with men who fit your ‘ideal man’ profile
- Women are attracted to more than the physical so sometimes it takes a few meetings with a man to develop attraction
- You can’t negotiate attraction – if initial feeling is ‘ick’ move on
- This is very specific to AW – if you are so closed off to the possibility that other men will live up to Mr. Alpha then you need to force yourself to try.
If all else fails then get to a therapist.
- Last resort but do not become a victim to your inability to move on
[–]Sobinia2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Sobinia1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link