Some might say it was only natural that things turned so ugly. I'm the rigid, competitive perfectionist type, and ever since I was 14, I've been immersed in the Red Pill sphere learning about why fulfilling the traditional feminine role ought to be my main purpose.

Over the years, what's become ever clearer to me is that thinness is key. Even many bodies that are considered "normal" nowadays could stand to improve, I read. Outlines of ribs, bony wrists, XS clothing - if a worthy man doesn't see them in me, he'll see them in some Asian or Eastern European girl and pick her. Never do RP guys see the girl with more body fat and call her more attractive.

I can't settle for inferiority. I'm never standing still on the weight loss path - I'm either moving forwards (exercising, choosing not to put calories in my mouth) or backwards (consuming calories). So why eat? I'm not saying this mindset is rational, but that's the voice that's dominating in my head these days.

These dark thoughts have become especially loud since I've had some dry conversations with potential suitors (and been ghosted). :/ It feels as if I may have nothing else to offer but beauty. Everything else either doesn't matter to guys (e.g. my 99th percentile SAT score, my fascination with names, my readings on cognitive science research) or is something that other girls have already mastered so I really can't compete (e.g. art, cooking, music).

I'm not going to get too detailed here but body-wise, things are getting bad. I'm now at the point where "getting help" isn't just therapy; it's treatment.

But if I reach out, I'm worried that I'll just get told a bunch of obnoxious feminist platitudes. "You are worth so much more than the number on the scale!" "You're beautiful the way you are!" "The way you feel is more important than the way you look!" My mind just blocks them out - why should I believe ideas spread by the same landwhales who popularized the "wage gap" and "rape culture"? They're wrong, I think; beauty is objective and undeniable, and being beautifully thin would make me a worthy woman.

Surely if I reached out, nobody would get what's going on in my head, and if they did, they'd judge me as a shocking bigoted sexist (as plenty of people already have) and try to preach their Blue Pill ideology. Don't get me wrong; TRP facts have probably benefited my life as a whole aside from this. But I read that eating disorders can end up hurting a woman's fertility, and if so, I'd really feel purposeless, regardless of whether I can land a man.

Can anyone here relate? What should I really do now? I don't know if I'll get anything of value from these comments but at least it feels nice to get it off my chest where I won't be judged for my beliefs. This sure was long - if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading, I guess.