Defining the terms

In order to discuss anything using words, we must fully understand what's meant by these words. Therefore it's necessary to define what is meant with the terms sex and commitment.

Sex is anything sexual. From the smallest hint of sexual innuendo all the way to full intercourse. There are many acts and things we say that have sexual value and add to the sexuality of a couple. These things can be increased or decreased, knowingly or unknowingly even if the amount of intercourse remains the same.

Commitment is defined in a similar manner. Any act or anything you say to your spouse which reinforces or demonstrates your commitment to them. This is an ongoing thing that goes far beyond and is far more important than the one time "I do". Likewise, there are many levels of expressions of commitment from tiny little hints of commitment all the way to big challenges to be overcome.

Opposite not opposing

Men and women are opposite when it comes to sex and commitment. While both men and women desire both sex and commitment (in healthy circumstances where they weren't burned or scared away), the order of priority is opposite. For men, the desire for sex is stronger, for women, the desire for commitment is stronger. As a result of this, women are the gatekeepers of sex because men want sex more and men are the gatekeepers of commitment because women want commitment more. Another result of this is that men trade commitment for sex and women trade sex for commitment. It's a simple dynamic of supply and demand.

All this was sent way off balance in the last few decades, which is a discussion for a different day. Men and women are designed to live in harmony and compliment one another, it's harmful and destructive when we don't. In this post I will assume that you are either already in a relationship and looking to improve it or you're looking to start a relationship with better skills. It is a crucial premise to understand that our opposite needs, wants and desires don't oppose each other, rather - if used correctly - they balance each other.

Balance and off kilter

Let's put it out there, the kook-up culture is sexual/commitment dynamics way off kilter. It favors sex and makes commitment that much more difficult. As the saying goes, why pay for the cow if you can get the milk for free? As mentioned earlier, this post will focus on improving your existing or future relationships.

Male sexuality is endless. The imagination and desire wants to have sex with an endless parade of various types of women. Your man may be content with just you and he may only want to be with one woman for a multitude of reasons, but his base desire will still want to have sex with an infinite amount of women. Indeed, in many societies, spanning many cultures over thousands of years, wealthy and powerful men had several or even dozens of wives and concubines. The instances of multiple husbands for the same wife are few and far between. Modern porn confirms this. It's 99% geared to the male need for endless variety. What this means practically for you is that your man can find other women to be sexually appealing and this does not threaten your relationship whatsoever! Many women feel insecure about this because female sexuality is different (as will soon be explained). Many men are aware of this and keep their opinions of other women to themselves.

Female sexuality is the opposite. As limitless as male sexuality is, that's how limited female sexuality is. Think of how men regenerate endless sperm and can impregnate an endless amount of women simultaneously, while women are born with a specific number of eggs. (Of course, the limited, defined version of sexuality is what produces a limited defined baby.) Because commitment is primary to sex for women, she will desire sex with the best suitor only. A man will desire sex with all kinds of women, even those who are less attractive but not unattractive. If a woman had her way, she'd get to pick the absolute best man around. Of course, there's no such thing as the absolute best man which is why branch swinging exists. Indeed, a man will often cheat in order to fill the need not being filled by his wife, in order to stay in the marriage while a woman will often cheat as a first step of ending the marriage.

Balance is achieved when both parties are satisfied. This occurs when the needs of both spouses are being met. Because the man is the primary supplier of commitment and the woman is the primary supplier of sex, this means that the man needs to make a conscious effort to increase in acts of commitment and the woman needs to make a conscious effort to increase in acts of sex as it will be explained. This does not in any way mean that your interactions should have a transactional feel to them, not at all! It just means that we each need to be mindful of the needs of our spouse. (This dynamic also doesn't always fall neatly into the generalizations described here, it's possible for the roles to be reversed in some instances)

Generosity

People often discuss many elements of marriage, one element which I have hardly ever come across is generosity. It's a shame because generosity is extremely important in a marriage. Generosity means that if you're naturally inclined to provide X and your spouse needs more of it, that you be generous and provide them with more. (Of course, this too needs to be balanced).

Men tend to prioritize sex over commitment, women tend to prioritize commitment over sex. This only means that the order of importance is such, it does not mean that commitment is unimportant to men nor does it mean that sex is unimportant to women.

A man may need alone time to regenerate. Every man I know needs this and cannot be engaged in their marriage 100% of the time. Alone time is a time he takes for himself, meaning he isn't with his wife, which she can subconsciously or consciously interpret as less commitment to her. She interprets it this way because it's true that during the time he spends alone, he isn't doing or saying anything to express his commitment to her. The fact that he needs space from her sends her a message that during this time, he isn't committed to her. The man will counter argue that this is ludicrous. He'll point out how committed he is during the rest of the day. Logically, he's right. Emotionally, she's right. Now what?

She needs to understand and accept his need for temporary space from his active commitment to her. That this will give him some time to recharge his batteries so he could be even more committed to her. He needs to demonstrate his commitment through many acts and words that express his commitment, whether they're large or small.

Likewise, a woman may need sexual downtime. Many ancient cultures used the time of menstruation for this purpose. During this time it was a given that there would be zero sexual contact and the woman would wear unsexy clothing etc. Most women don't think about sex nearly as often as men do. Men seem to think about sex 24/7, the same cannot be said about women in general. Having sexual downtime will cause the man to feel like she is no longer sexually interested in him. She will counter argue that this is ludicrous. Just like the dynamic above, logically, she's right. Emotionally, he's right. So now what?

He needs to understand that she needs some space away from sex just like he needs some space from commitment. Just like he'd feel smothered if she needed him at her side 24/7, so too, she will feel smothered if she's expected to be sexual 24/7. OTOH, she needs to be generous with her sexuality during the "on" times just like he needs to be generous with his acts of commitment.

In both cases, the need for space will never go away. In both cases, taking time off should be limited as much as possible in quantity and quality. In both cases, a reassuring statement is a smart idea. "You know how devoted I am to you, heart and soul (wink), I just need some alone time right now". "You know how much I love to rip your clothing off and go at it with you (wink), I just need some down time right now". In both cases it's wise to be extra generous when you come back from taking space, your generosity will help calm the fears of your spouse.

Conclusion

Understanding the dynamics of needs is crucial to achieving balance. Space is necessary for both men and women, each in the area they need to provide most to their spouse. The spouse will naturally feel threatened by you taking space, you can never expect them to not have this insecurity. You can however, greatly reduce this fear through reassuring statements as you take your space and extra generosity when you come out of your personal space and back into the active part of your marriage.

Cheers!