~ archived since 2018 ~

“She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”

February 15, 2020

Hi all,

My un/intentionally RP BF has quoted this line several times, and I’ve recognized it in many RP posts. I honestly think it’s harmful to our relationship and likely many others. It doesn’t help that he’s my first boyfriend.

I won’t get too deep into my commentary, but is this something you’ve encountered? How can you help your SO move past this cynicism? Is it on us at all to disprove this, or defend ourselves against it? Any insight is appreciated.

Thank you!

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/RedPillWomen.

/r/RedPillWomen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Title “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”
Author babybee2020
Upvotes 99
Comments 116
Date February 15, 2020 1:21 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]HB32345 Stars145 points146 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Do NOT use this phrase as a cue to become a dancing monkey who desperately tries to prove her worth. Do not try to be a good ambassador for the face of traditional womanhood to a man that presents this bitter version of himself to you. Nope, nope, nope.

It sounds like he may still be in his anger phase. This is not inherently wrong of him. He is allowed to be mad about things he feels he was not taught. However, it would be unwise to the point of being foolish, to be his emotional dump on this journey. The road he is on, he needs to talk these these out with a man he respects. Not you.

A man who is wise, strong, at peace with his nature and your own-- that man will not say things like this to you. Your partner sounds like his bitterness will make a long journey even longer. Don't waste your youth on the gamble that he may do the enormously difficult work to get to a mentally healthy place. If he has been like this your entire relationship, you must accept him at face value and imagine if you would want this version of himself if he never changed.

Remember always: yes RPW are nurturing, submissive, loving, loyal and sensual... for men that are leaders, protectors, and providers! You must always be vetting him (hard) to ensure he is capable of loving leadership. No man with a bitter heart is going to be capable of this for you. The timing just is not right.

This is your first boyfriend. We all make some painful mistakes in the beginning. Dating a man who says things like this out loud is ignoring an enormous red flag. Don't do it. There are wonderful out there -ones who care what they say around you and how it makes you feel.

[–]LongElm22 points23 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

As someone who just exited a four year relationship as that boyfriend -- this advice is sound.

I thought I could juggle a girlfriend and get out of the anger phase. I'm just now realizing the mistakes I made. They were tough on her as well.

Really think about if it's right for you. No one can know your situation except yourself. We're just strangers on the internet eliciting advice on our own lives. You ultimately know what's best for you.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]LongElm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah. Be honest with yourself. Being truly honest with yourself is tough. You can’t lie to yourself.

Also- be kind to yourself. You’ll make mistakes.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

same. i was the boyfriend who discovered RP.

you doing a relationship and anger phase at the same time is very tough. you gotta have massive motivation (i.e. Kids with the woman) to do it.

i had moments where i would literally look at my GF and think "you bitch..."... OVER NOTHING. i was just pissed off at the world and women in general.

i started viewing our relationship like a competition and simultaneously hated and loved her. it was weird af.

it lead to the end of our relationship too, there's only so long you can view her as the enemy before it fizzles out.

maintaining a relationship with a woman, while hating women.... is OMGSOSHOCKINGLY pretty hard.

BUT i came out the other side better off and now i can't get into a relationship properly. cos at the end of the day the frame of the relationship was wrong so it had to end, sooner or later.

[–]Pola_Lita15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep. More generous than I'd be but definitely on the mark.

[–]memalfoy2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hey this is so sound!!! I’m new to the RPW philosophy. Could you please recommend some good reads on the topic? Maybe books? I’d love to gain more insights on the topic! Thanks.

[–]HB32345 Stars4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I happened to write a post at the beginning of last year with my personal recommended reading list, which you may find useful.

[–]macheagle19 points20 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

RP BF here. Depending on your BF’s source of RP - was he cheated on before, how did he come to learn about TRP, etc there may or may not he longer term issues. It sounds to me like he is in his anger phase which will pass - but again, depending on his background and how he was fed TRP will determine how he moves past the natural anger phase into peace. You need to vet by partially finding out about your BF’s childhood and previous relationship experience. Was he from a broken home, abusive parent or parents, did he experience infidelity directly or was indirectly affected by it, who are his best “bro” friends and what are THEIR backgrounds? It all counts. Before judging him, try to understand everything you can about the potential sources of his RP to get a complete picture. All the best.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]HelpfulCommenter2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

After reading this, and taking what you're saying in a vacuum at face value, this guy gives of some serious waffly/evasive red flags, and you two are looking for two entirely different things - or at least are a terrible fit. Why force it? It's not good for you or him. He's willing to wait many years to settle down?? Then he has plenty of time to find the right person.

You're young, with everything to offer, and ready to make the right decision for the right guy. Why not find a guy who not only appreciates it all but wants more of the same stuff you do - in the same general timeframe? There are 4 billion men in the world. It is a terrible trap many fall into to spend years in their prime on a person that - by their own admission - isn't even rowing the same direction as they are.

Again, only you know. But act on what you know one way or another.

[–]macheagle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Approx how old are both of you? If you guys are in your early-mid 20's, forget it - plenty of time to learn from these experiences. Your 20's are literally your "trial" years for precisely this kind of stuff.

That's good you brought up about his parents' messy divorce. I'm sure it's affected him to some degree, and keep in mind it's highly likely there're other things in his past you are unaware of. We all have skeletons in our own closets. He is no exception. Once you analyze his past a little more - you might be able to begin connecting the dots. I had an ex I dated for quite a few years and her divorced parents (when she was a child) greatly impacted her view on relationships, and it was mostly subconscious. Fear of abandonment, insecurities, jadedness, etc you name it. All else being equal, there are almost always "seeds" that were planted eons ago that sprout at different stages of your life and affect you one way or another.

If he's as RP'ed as you say he is, and that you feel like he's finally hit his stride, that tells me he should be near 30's or 30+ of age. That is typically when a man's SMV begins to rise significantly year after year - if his ducks are lined up nicely. However, what I don't understand is your theory about how he may view that most women are already married/divorced/single mothers. Why and how is he somehow limited to dating women his own age? He could obviously just date women younger than him, no? I'm sure many women his age are dating or are married to guys somewhat older anyway.

One final note of advice - much of people's options on the sexual and relationship market depend significantly on where they live and what they do for a living. My SO and I are in one of the most cosmopolitan, densely populated cities of the world (but outside of the US) and we both hold some of the most people-oriented jobs out there (Media + Public relations). We also travel for business a lot. I won't go too much into it because I don't want to hijack this thread - but know your options. Know HIS options. Know your city, your work, his work, know your relative SMV to his. Know where he is vs where he should be in his life. Know yours too. Evaluate these from a standard that is bigger than your immediate environment. And finally, be at peace with the fact that there's really nothing you can do to change him or any of your future SO's. Changes brought on by you to someone will always be temporary. Changes brought on internally by himself will likely be permanent and be much more effective. Best wishes.

[–]Pola_Lita29 points30 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It's insulting to you and a weaselly attempt at excusing himself from responding to the situation with honesty.

If my husband had at any time lowered himself to using this "logic", I'd have be gone. Instantly.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]LateralThinker134 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don't take it TOO seriously. The phrase is flawed, but there's some truth people ignore in it. Like, his turn with you may last the rest of his life, if he plays his cards right.

Plan for the worst, but HOPE FOR THE BEST, is what I'm saying. If you just focus on how nothing lasts forever, then you're going the nihilistic route and F that.

I'd address it with him on how hopeful he is about life itself. Does he see good in his life? A bright future? Etc. If he doesn't really see a good future for himself... you can either help him find one (JBP's Future Authoring tools are amazing to do this), or... you can leave. Because a man who sees nothing positive down the road is going nowhere, has nothing to offer.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Leave off the snark. If you aren't out of your anger phase you don't belong on RPW.

[–]Sobinia65 points66 points  (47 children) | Copy Link

Remind him that "his turn" could last a lifetime, if you build a good relationship together. Also, remember that the saying goes the other way around as well. Your boyfriend isn't entirely "yours". Would you literally like to own him? "Your turn" for being in a relationship with him can last 10 years, 20... or he might die in a car crash the next hour. A relationship with a man shouldn't become the meaning of your life and when it comes to interpersonal relationships, you shouldn't take anything for granted.

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points  (38 children) | Copy Link


RP intentionally puts concepts in the simplest and harshest phrasing in order to try to pierce through the BP "training" most guys have and trigger a change.

I'm not entirely fond of the approach as it can easily lead to a lot of negativity that actually gets in the way of harnessing all of the great RP knowledge to it's fullest potential. Great, you're RP now, but you're so sinical you aren't actually enjoying it beyond the superficial level.

But it is what it is.

[–]marioferpa12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you hit the nail on the head with this.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (36 children) | Copy Link

RP can dangerously slip a man into MGTOW territory if he isn't careful about it. My husband benefited from the red pill up to a point in that he used it to self-improve but didn't become completely jaded about women.

[–]DenimRaptNightmare0 points1 point  (35 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (34 children) | Copy Link

Yo you are on red pill women. Our goal is stability and longevity in marriage. Go back to the male red pill subs.

[–]DenimRaptNightmare0 points1 point  (33 children) | Copy Link

Yep. And that's a worthy goal.

However, inferring that it's somehow "dangerous" that some men choose to opt out of being with women is ridiculous, and borderline misandrist.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (32 children) | Copy Link

I think getting upset over word usage is pretty ridiculous. Sorry I didn't use an adjective that suits your delicate sensibilities

[–]DenimRaptNightmare-2 points-1 points  (31 children) | Copy Link

Why are you so combative?

Definitions of words matter. Calling it dangerous for a man to choose a path that doesn't involve women is fucking asinine.

Edit: a word

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There are a lot of problems with MGTOW and, I believe, it degrades the stability of the family unit which in turn creates greater problems in society including the significant problems we have right now. I worked in public education for a decade. I'm not saying MGTOW is the entire problem but a contributing problem and also a reflection of a problem.

But, I get annoyed by people on Reddit who nitpick word usage because it's extremely petty.

[–]DenimRaptNightmare2 points3 points locked comment (0 children) | Copy Link

Redpill is, at its core, about accepting truths, especially uncomfortable ones. "Nitpicking" language is a part of that.

Instead of admitting that you overstepped in calling it "dangerous" for men to take their own path, you've changed the subject.

My reaction to your post was a simple objection. You've turned it into a rant about MGTOW as if it's some monolithic movement.

[–]gdobssor1 point2 points locked comment (28 children) | Copy Link

The problem with Mgtow isn’t choosing a path that doesn’t involve women or any other gender. It’s that they’re choosing a path that generally involves toxicity towards women and seeing them as inferior and incompetent in every way, and only good for a wet hole at best, or seeing them as all being manipulative narcissists who solely use men for money and are out to get men through false rape accusations en masses at worst. That’s what’s so bad about it.

[–][deleted]  (27 children) | Copy Link


[–]schrono9 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Well said. It’s just a reminder that everything ends eventually and that it’s not worth obsessing about people.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I don't agree. My husband and I are married and we are married until death and that's the only endpoint. It's not red pill women to have your foot out the door entering marriage and it's that mentality that has scared men away from the commitment of marriage.

[–]schrono8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

As she said, then your turn lasts until death parts you. The reason men don’t want to marry is because you are always fucked in the divorce (google divorce rape) because even if she earns more than you, you‘ll always be the losing party. Edit: Ofc that one will get downvoted till oblivion

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No downvotes for you from me. You are right.

[–]schrono1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I didn’t mean you I was pointing at the echo chamber effect Reddit has

[–]Sobinia4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks! Also, this saying also serves as a reminder that if you want your turn to last, you should be constantly putting effort into the relationship, because the other party isn't your property and can walk away if you mistreat him.

[–]RedPillMissionary21 points22 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yeah he sounds MGTOW. I know too many women who wasted their youth on guys who never brought up marriage even once. That’s the goal of dating, and there’s no time to lose

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy Link


[–]Left4dinner6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Running out of time while being only 21? You have plenty of time!

[–]AnarchoNAP2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Even if you have plenty of time you don't want to waste it. If you're going to be 21 for the next 30 years, don't waste time just because you have it. Staying in a relationship with a guy who actively avoids marriage conversations and TELLS YOU that you are a plate is wasting time.

[–]Left4dinner3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All I'm saying is that 21 is still 21 and that you shouldn't feel like if you don't find some by 21 its too late

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Give him two years, no more. Don't waste your twenties.

[–]gdobssor6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wouldn’t even do that. I’d give him nine months max.

[–]The_Hokage17 points18 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

That's a very "glass half empty" perspective, and that's entirely fair. However I prefer to view relationships like the lottery. Most people will lose, sure. But when you win, you win big for life.

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, you can affect ypur odds of winning.

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy Link


[–]specialcookie113 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're acting like relationships are chance things that a few people are lucky enough to win but most people aren't, but that's not how they are. Relationships are something that two people have to work for, not something that just happens.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

RPW is not here to discuss what men should do. Please take that to the men's subs.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not discussing what men should do but the odds they are presented with. Also, I'm participating in a discussion politely without offending anyone.

[–]CMOAN_MAYNE14 points15 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Tbh he sounds immature like a lot of dudes who first get into TRP. I was for sure.

There are bad pieces of TRP advice and I think this is one of them. Many TRP influencers realize they have to promote this cynical view of dating or the business model dies.

Be patient with him. “It’s just your turn” is kind of a damage control rationalization that gets used in case things go south for whatever reason.

[–]curious_girl_5[🍰] 7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

“It’s just your turn” is kind of a damage control rationalization that gets used in case things go south for whatever reason

This is so key here.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link


[–]Sobinia-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

There's nothing wrong with being constantly mentally prepped for a breakup, as long as he doesn't cheat on you emotionally (having "best friends" that serve as backup options, ready to date him once he breaks up with you) or physically and I recommend you do the same. Stay in shape. Maintain a high SMV and RMV. Dedicate time for hobbies and have positive relationships with family and friends. Don't let your boyfriend mess them up. That way, if you suddenly get a photo of him sleeping next to another girl when he was supposed to be working extra hours, he hits/beats you in a fight or something else happens out of the blue, you'll still be left with other aspects of life. Don't put all of your eggs (things that make your life meaningful) in one basket (a guy)! Go read my post history if you want to know what it leads to.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

>There's nothing wrong with being constantly mentally prepped for a breakup

There is if you keep letting that mental preparation out in the form of words that are hurtful to your partner.

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's nothing wrong with being constantly mentally prepped for a breakup, as long as he doesn't cheat on you emotionally

Yes there is. It skews your behavior (makes you less committed) and can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

[–]HelpfulCommenter4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As this is your first relationship, you'd better make fucking sure you lucked out with the right guy before proceeding. That out of the way, it sounds like he is either withholding commitment and this is how he's justifying it, or that he has abandonment/insecurity issues. (Maybe a little bit of both?) Figure out which if you don't know immediately upon looking at the two.

If withholding commitment, decide whether you are willing to continue trying to get it; only you can make this decision, but make the tough one unless this guy is truly Mr. Right and you're willing to bet it all on this horse. It's that simple if that's the case.

If it's not that, then he is seriously paranoid that you will cheat on him/leave him with/for some other, better/richer/stronger/handsomer/popular/alpha guy - or that you're doing it right now. Figure out why. Was he cheated on in the past (distant even), seen close friends or coworkers get destroyed this way, does he have abandonment issues from childhood or his parents (single mom/daycare/parents affair etc.). Again, if he's Mr. Right in every other way - and only you know this - then be increasingly direct and even exaggerated with how you deal with this.

Tell him that yes, lots of women cheat because they're disgusting sluts, but that you will die right next to him and never so much as look another direction because he's your man, he earned you, and you're faithful. You'll bail him out of jail, lie for him if he murders, push him around in a wheelchair, and always be his.

People with abandonment issues or disillusionment can be very difficult to assure, but direct responses to their insecurities are necessary. (Eg. NOT "You know me better than that", "You're being paranoid", etc.) Reinforcement can be done by actively adopting/voicing their point of view about people who act out their concerns. For example, with regards to TV show/movie plot lines or real life situations where a woman leaves/cheats, you can subtly express your detest for the woman's actions. This shows that you don't sympathize with or even have the ability to think the way he's concerned you might.

Also, find ways to provide some assurance at certain times unprompted. Something as simple as saying "I'm glad I'm yours" or whatever, so long as it isn't forced. Even if he knows you're going out of your way to address his cynical thoughts, it will still minimize them. Doing these things over time - a much, much longer time than you'd hope (beware) - will eventually reframe his view of you as separate from "them" and a unicorn and eliminate most of the problem.

We're all human, and even great men who are great husbands and great fathers and leaders have insecurities - some potentially crippling, but somehow kept in check by the right partner. On the other hand, if it runs so deep or wide that he can't be the husband or father you deserve, then recognize that and make the difficult decision. Maybe you've already done all of this and more. Best of luck.

[–]IntelligenceLtd2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Richard Cooper

wow this is my first delve into redpill women im incredibly impressed by how consistently insightful regarding the male (and human) psyche, people are at least on this discussion.

[–]Mad_Finesse6 points7 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

TL;DR your BF is afraid of losing you and that fear of loss stems from a pathology of scarcity, fixed-mindedness, and insecurity and it's creating doubt and uncertainty in both of you.

“She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”

It's a phrase coined by Richard Cooper, a man with low enery, low-T, and on TRT.

There is some truth to that. The truth is that you can't force a relationship and at some point maybe things change.

However, when Richard Cooper says it. It's coming from a place of anger, resentment, and insecurity. It's coming from a place of, "All women are whores and will leave you for another guy they perceive to be a better option for them".

If you're boyfriend is saying that a lot it's probably because he thinks he's Red Pilled but is secretly a cuck.

Let me posit this argument.

You've been together for about a year and a half. Now he's thinking, we've gone this far, why would she want me? She is a woman, and all women are whores, so if there's some guy at work that is 2 inches taller and makes 10k more a year she'll leave me for him. It seems like it's coming from a place of insecurity. You've mentioned that you've had to reassure him at times.

So here's my theory. He's really thinking about hypergamy and constantly comparing himself to other guys and imagining scenarios of you cheating on him with them and leaving him.

By him saying, She's not yours, it's just you're turn, he's trying to end the relationship by getting you to break up with him by filling the relationship with doubt and uncertainty. So, now if you get tired of this kinda shit and break it off it will reinforce that kind of negative thinking and misogynisytic thinking he has about women. It'll be like, I didn't break up with her. I'm a great guy with great values, she's just a whore that wants to ride that cock carousel and fuck Chads and Tyronnes.

[–]curious_girl_5[🍰] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

However, when Richard Cooper says it. It's coming from a place of anger, resentment, and insecurity. It's coming from a place of, "All women are whores and will leave you for another guy they perceive to be a better option for them".

I'm so mixed on the kind of advice that Richard Cooper gives to men because half of it I do agree with, while there is another half where I think he can take things out of context.

[–]Mad_Finesse2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right, and that other half comes from his vitriol of past experiences and fix minded, codified perspectives. That's why he can't be light-hearted and fun. Come to think of it, a lot of Red Pilled guys are like that boring and preachy as fuck and over thinking things and it's really more about blaming women than taking accountability.

[–]rosesonthefloor2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

With this in mind, if/when you do break up with him OP, I would explicitly mention it’s because he says things like this when you bring up wanting to have a life/kids with him.

Pointing out this behavior will (hopefully) make it clear that THAT is the reason for the breakup, not whatever insecurity-fueled daydream he’s concocted.

[–]Mad_Finesse1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I might just start with an empathic approach.

BF: She's not yours, it's just your turn.

OP: Kinda sounds like you're indirectly calling me a whore but at the same time you're afraid of losing me.

BF: Just saying nothing is really for certain or forever.

OP: You seem like you have a lot of doubts, and you need certainty and that's insecurity because your afraid of the unknown, but yet you want to somehow make it my fault.

OP: sounds like you have cognitive-dissonance...On one hand you want to see me as a whore who will leave you for something better at the drop of hat, but then I tell you that I want to be with you and build a life, and have a family and that's in direct conflict with your notion the hypergamous nature of women.

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That sounds like an over-interpretation and he will feel attacked if you tell him how he feels. Instead, just ask him why he says so and how he understands this saying.

BF: She's not yours, it's just your turn.

OP: Why do you say so?

BF: Because nothing really is for certain or forever.

OP: You're right, but if we just stop putting effort into our relationship because nothing is for forever, then our relationship will most likely fall apart and the phrase "it's just your turn" will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[–]Mad_Finesse1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's a much better approach, Sobinia.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

When he says it, fog him.

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

BF: "She's not yours, it's just your turn."

You: "So how long do you want your turn to be? Because I have two options here: long-term and zero. I'm looking for someone who wants to see if we're compatible for marriage. I'm not aiming for a "turn" shorter than that. If that turn's too long, tell me now."

[–]Mars-Cowboy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Absolutely. Communicating that it's because of his self sabotaging and delusional behavior is important.

[–]Pola_Lita0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You've been together for about a year and a half. Now he's thinking, we've gone this far, why would she want me? She is a woman, and all women are whores, so if there's some guy at work that is 2 inches taller and makes 10k more a year she'll leave me for him. It seems like it's coming from a place of insecurity.

It does, but your POV seems just as off in a "forest for the trees" direction. Anyone whose frame of mind allows them to believe that all women will do X will not be a good partner or a good leader, never mind why not or what might ease his pain. It's a kindness to recommend someone like this get help but it's craziness to think someone else who's *inside* this situation is going to be able to fix him.

[–]thickLicker6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"isn’t this just my turn too?” -yes.

First of all TRP is not for everybody and definitely not for every age. I do not know your specifics but I will cite a few options.

1-Confront him about TRP. Make him believe you are the exception. you are a LTR. tell him to wake up. >:/

2-Play the dread game. give him his own poison. create a lose-lose situation. :(

3-Evaluate his actions. Do his actions confirm his affection towards you? if not, find somebody else. Plenty of fish in the sea. :)

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Play the dread game. give him his own poison. create a lose-lose situation. :(

No. If she has to do this, she's already lost it. Dread only works from the leadership position. If she takes that, she loses respect for him because he's reacting to her at that point.

[–]polfrequenter8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If my boyfriend said this I would be incredibly offended and upset. This guy sounds self sabotaging & immature like a lot of TRP/MGTOW or whatever guys.

[–]i_cri_evry_tim2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The only question I can ask here is why do you feel the need to prove your worth to a man that has clearly and in multiple occasions shown you that, in his mind, no woman is worth the effort solely on the grounds of being a woman.

“She is not yours it’s just your turn” is one of those TRP mantras that is meant to help you detox from oneitis and place you in a frame of mind more conducive to outcome independence.

If he is in relationships but still recites the mantra and, worse of all, throws it in your face, you are dealing with somebody still in the anger phase of RP, not a RP man. Either that or he is psychologically manipulating you.

Get away now. Nothing good is going to come out of this.

[–]organicsunshine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, it is true. Most relationships do not last. Knowing that doesn't discount what you have, however the fear of investment can make it a self fulfilling prophecy.

[–]Mars-Cowboy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Damn that shit sounds toxic and manipulative. He needs to work through a lot of internal negativity and delusional thinking.

[–]frogswife5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dated two men, the second I married and have been married happily 12 years to. Your bf sounds jaded and already planning on throwing this relationship away though self destruction. He's setting himself up for failure, as clearly he sees no future here, so let him go and be cynical alone. Find someone who actually wants to be with you forever.

[–]linkinway[🍰] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

nothing is perfect in this world. so is red pill. this line is that imperfection of red pill. I abhor it. I think someone had even written an entire post against this line on r/TheRedPill and everyone in that sub appreciated it

[–]SemiLoquacious1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

RP BF here. I don't know if this guy is bf material. That's just not the way you should talk to a gf.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]SemiLoquacious0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

maybe I'm wrong to say leave him

But if he's expressing bitterness over previous relationships at you, that's a red flag.

Having things in common doesn't build a relationship, it's your ability to get along

[–]caos19400 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thinking that all women will do the same hurtful things he has experienced before will prevent him from trusting and wanting to move forward....

[–]A_Prudent_Revolution1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Although red-pillers like to see themselves as masters of reason, the power of this phrase, like many of the red-pill maxims, has nothing to do with its truth or with its logical defensibility. It is, rather, pure linguistic therapy: A spell for creating cognitive distance between himself and his past pain or his current attachment.

Trying to rebut it with logic or devotion, therefore, is futile. Tell him how it makes you feel when he says things like this. If he does not take your feelings and well-being into account, then it is probably time to start looking anew for a captain who will.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The Stoics taught that everything we have is just on loan from the universe. You can have it for the time being, but know that it’s not yours. It will leave you, be taken from you, or you will be taken from it. Your possessions, your health, your husband or wife or children, and at the end your life. Recognizing this frees us from being trapped and trying to control things that are not within our control. We can only control ourselves.

If your boyfriend hasn’t been able to understand these things in multiple dimensions, or the way different mindset shifts can be used to self-improve, perhaps you should read about them yourself. You might find a great deal of comfort in Stoic philosophy and be able to talk about some of the things he says in an articulate and informed manner.

A Guide to the Good Life: the ancient art of stoic joy, by Irvine is a good, practical book on Stoicism.

[–]Lurkingnopost1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A man should remember this saying (which is absolutely true), but never say it to a woman. This is disrespectful and a sign of his anger/bitterness. He has been hurt in the past. He is still bitter about being hurt and wants to remain outwardly strong.

You have to choices. 1) accept his behavior and stay in the relationship or 2) lesve the relationship. That is it. You will not be able to change him.

[–]IWantToHelpSometimes2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This doesn't necessary sound RP but MGTOW...

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]IWantToHelpSometimes1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]StepfordInTexas2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a red flag. Why are you still with him?

[–]ProgmusicHans1 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't consider the phrase harmful. Hypergamie is observable reality, moving past the phrase is denying reality. The phrase is carrying pragmatic truth, it reminds both men and women, that either will stop the relationship should the other step out of line. No man of value will stick with a unfeminine woman and women will get with the best man possible, therefore the man has to secure the relationship by keeping his stuff together to make him her best possibility.
It simply is the most realistic approach, since the most relationships do not end up being life-long comittments. How can you disprove this viewpoint? You would have to stay in the relationship, even when he stops being a man you love and respect. Only staying will prove, that you will stay. It's a silly tautology.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would NEXT this mofo and not look back. He doesn’t want to commit, but instead of admitting that, he’s putting the blame on womankind.

[–][deleted]  (8 children) | Copy Link


[–]specialcookie115 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Oh please. You could say the same about her. That's the thing about relationships, they only last as long as both people are happy in it. When one party becomes unhappy, they fix it or if they can't, they leave. That's not a bad thing

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Most women don't want to fix a relationship when they "fall out of love".

[–]specialcookie114 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

You don't know as much about women as you think you do

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Maybe I don't but this is generally speaking, of course. Also, when women finish a relationship it means they have completely disconnected emotionally and have been sending clues for some time, guys mostly won't pick them up hence the reason I say women won't be interested in fixing something they have completely detached from.

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This case is an entire spectrum. Of course, some women will end a 20 year marriage because they've just "fallen out of love"/met Chad/"don't feel any chemistry anymore", whereas others will stay with an alcoholic that constantly cheats on them, rapes, beats and abuses them and her children, even though there are three other men that are willing to start a much happier LTR with her. Most women are in the middle of the spectrum: At first, they'll stay with their boyfriend/partner/husband if a problem comes up and try to fix it. If they feel like they're falling out of love, they'll try to deal with the issue on their own, trying to convince themselves that their boyfriend's actually a good guy, that he's handsome, caring, affectionate, etc. If that doesn't work, they'll break up. Some of them will end the relationship for good, whereas others will regret leaving their boyfriend after a few days/weeks/months and try to return to him. Redpill men often call such women "alpha widows".

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The funny thing is the term fallibg out of love is something that men don't get at all because for men if a relatiinship is fine and there is sex, that's a normal relationship. Imo women start falling out of love when they start comparing their partner with other men and their lives with other women and this kills it. Women are more socially driven hence the pressure to keep up with the group

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, many women fall out of love once they realise that their partner is or became too beta and docile.

[–]Sobinia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're right... but then again, simply falling out of love isn't the only reason why women leave their partners. Sure, most cases somehow boil down to lack of attractiveness, but things like imcompatibility, finding out about your partner's affair and abuse can also damage a relationship to the point where the couple breaks up, even though the woman still loves her partner.

[–]AnarchoNAP1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If your boyfriend is explicitly telling you that he's just taking a turn with you then he isn't fit to be your (or anyone's) boyfriend. He has the decency to tell you where you stand, but not the decency to act accordingly. Help him out.

[–]polakfury0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

how could op let him know she is looking for a relationship?

[–]AnarchoNAP1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Leave, she needs to leave.

[–]jayval900 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Are you having sex? How did you meet him? Why did you choose him as your first boyfriend at 19/20?

As for that saying, I wouldn't worry too much about what people say when they're feeling down. Sometimes it's just them spouting off bad memories of a bad past because of something going on in their present.

What I would be worried about is the fact that he refuses to talk about anything long-term with you. He's got his immediate needs fulfilled in you if you're having sex with him, and for some reason he's personally shut down about the long-term. He either doesn't see a future with you, or he's with you for the high SMV but he doesn't value (or maybe you don't have it) a high enough RMV to convince him to take that leap.

I would suggest premarital counselling if you can find anyone who does such a thing (my local church does a very good job with this stuff). Talk more about values, etc. It's possible that he may snap out of it. Tell him that 60% of women don't divorce their husbands, and the fact that you're willing to work with him through him saying those hurtful things means that you're not likely to dump him and take the kids. That's fully within RP philosophy, and might help him better see your RMV. Do a better job of enticing him with a committed life together.

If all you talk about are kids, a life together, marriage, etc, you're just reminding him of all kinds of responsibility and risk with seemingly little payoff (especially if you're already having sex). Maybe talk about the joys of fatherhood. Figure out some things that he'll be able to benefit from by being married. Talk about how you plan to be committed and loyal. Make (conditional) promises.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link


[–]LateralThinker134 Stars1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

he sometimes uses this phrase in relation to my libido. We met through chance in a nicer happy hour-type setting, I was 20.

Wait, what? Please explain, because this makes no sense. Why would he say this in response to your high libido? Is he expecting you to cheat?

Because if he is, and you've given him no reason to mistrust you, then your relationship is screwed because he has major trust issues.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]LateralThinker134 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s generally if I say he turns me on or that I want to have sex with him all the time

So you say something positive, and he edges towards the door.

I think I’ll try bringing that last bit up with him, maybe not counseling because he’s pretty against it for non-extreme reasons.

And he's against counseling.

Given that you say you treat him pretty well, what this tells me is that he doesn't take positive support very well. If I had to guess, he's got issues/past trauma, and it colors how he interacts. Probably keeps him from committing to you, and probably was at least in part due to a prior GF blowing smoke up his backside and then blindsiding him with a betrayal.

He has issues to work through and doesn't want to (or doesn't realize it) and the side effect is that he treats you with unearned scorn.

I don't know if he realizes this. If he does, he's an asshole and next him. But if he doesn't... maybe, MAYBE, he's salvageable. But you deserve better treatment than you're getting.

How close am I?

[–]jayval900 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

See the extra paragraph I stealth-edited in there, too. Remember, guys don't get any positive feelings just thinking about babies. That's just you. Most non-fathers just think they're annoying, and RP guys see them as a liability that their spouse can just one day decide to take from him. So find something that he values that you can offer him with a commitment. I promise you that if you offer him loyalty, respect, etc, and he actually believes you can follow through with it, he's not gonna care about those other moot preferences.

Also, the only reason that I'm not saying "stop having sex until you are committed" is because that turns sex into a transaction from you to him if you're the one to decide to shut that valve off. But if there was a way that I could recommend that while still maintaining the mutual balance of it (and not making him feel frozen out), I would highly recommend it. Then the act could have more meaning behind it.

I'm not actually a big fan of counselling either, except when you're in the face of big decisions like marriage, divorce, career, etc. And counselors are a risk if you get a bad one.

[–]WiterS20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

“You’ve dated women before me, for much longer and much more seriously. So isn’t this just my turn too?”

That's the wrong thing to say.

  • It lacks empathy.
  • It confirms his argument, because you are basically saying "you do the same", and that means "Yes, I do the same, because I'm trying for you to accept it with my own you-do-the-same".
  • It makes everything worse, because you are attacking him, and that's making everybody angrier. It fixes nothing.
  • You are framing it as "who is good, and who is bad". So you are making it a zero sum game, where you can't win as a couple.

Still it is not your role to fix it. It is his role to tell you what do you need to do to deserve his trust. That's what a leader does, and it looks like he isn't there yet.

[–]BonnieBelle2550 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m new here and haven’t heard that phrase before, what does it mean and how is it cynical? Thanks

[–]pinkdrawings5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"She's not yours, its just your turn" is exactly what it sounds like. Its something RP men say to each other to basically say: Your girlfriend/wife/plate doesn't belong to you. Its just your turn with her right now.

Basically, be ready to move on when she ends up branch swinging to sleep with someone else.

Its cynical because they also say this about marriages and its setting things up for failure and disappointment.

[–]lilasbaby2-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is actually how I feel and how the guy I've recently been sort of seeing made me feel. It mattered while it lasted but only while it lasted and he wasn't mine, he was only mine temporarily. He's done this with other women and will wander but he was with me for the time being and for however long it might last. So in a way, he was "not mine" but was "my turn". I think that women feel differently when they are with a guy they like. For us, this cynicism is definitely learned from past burnts.

[–]We_Are_Legion-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He is afraid of the pain of losing you. The phrase lets him pre-empt that.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do not insult the community or its members.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter