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So how are you and your man holding up during these tough times?

April 8, 2020

My husband is very good at putting on an act that nothing is bothering him, but I have learned to pick up on the clues that he is worried sick about something. It is no mystery why he is worried sick now: The stock market, the future of his business, the future of our married children, his parent’s well being, and the political climate.

My first clue was when he stopped whistling or humming, something he always does when he is relaxed and absorbed in something. My second clue was his desire for sex tapered off. And my third clue was he became very impatient and short with me when it was not merited.

Now my first inclination was to let the hamster free because I too was worried about all those same things that he was dealing with. But no, I couldn’t let it stop there. I had to triple my anxiety by adding some more worries: Was he tired of me? Did he no longer find me attractive? Was I terrible to be around all the time?

I am happy to report that I caught that damn hamster and got it back in the cage before it could do any harm. But it was a close call. Anyone else dealing with this? How are your men handling their worries?

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Post Information
Title So how are you and your man holding up during these tough times?
Author stevierose789
Upvotes 90
Comments 41
Date April 8, 2020 7:16 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/so-how-are-you-and-your-man-holding-up-during.361428
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/fxcshg/so_how_are_you_and_your_man_holding_up_during/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars30 points31 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Our routine hasn’t changed very much, since I’m still going to work every day. Right before things started closing down, my husband had picked up some project work and was also going to work every day, but his project ended early due to the pandemic.

So, he’s back to being home all day while I work. This isn’t a new pattern for us, because it’s how most of last year worked for us.

When I woke up on Saturday morning and was poking around the house while hubby slept in, I noticed just how messy it was. I’ve been working such long hours, I guess I really hadn’t noticed during the week. Usually, my husband does a great job keeping the house clean, so I was a little annoyed. But, instead of waking him up, I just got to work and dug right in cleaning up and making breakfast.

He was PISSED when he came down, and took my cleaning up and tidying as an jab at his ability to keep things up around the house. He stormed out and was gone for an hour doing who knows what.

By the time he got back, I had the house back in order and we had a nice talk about how he was feeling. Turns out he was feeling pretty down about the changes to his routine. He really liked the project he was working on, and even though they paid out his full contract, he missed spending time with his coworkers. Unbeknownst to me, he liked them so much he had been considering coming out of retirement if they offered him a more permanent positions. Additionally, going out and running errands and seeing everyone in masks and gloves really had him down and he was very worried about our parents, grandparents and other family. Instead of coming home from the grocery store and moving onto the next chore, he was just parking himself in front of the TV and watching the news which only made him feel worse.

So, we made a list of all the things we wanted get done and started checking things off. I think knowing he needs to keep busy and moving has really helped improve how he’s feeling!

[–]stevierose789[S] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I find that for both my husband and myself it is essential to make some stride for improvement each day and find satisfaction in completing it. At the same time we find our groove at different times. Sometimes I just need to lay in bed and be sad in the mornings, when he is up and at it. We are both pretty busy during the day, but often times at night he is a couch potato and I am on a roll. I have found that the way to make this shelter at home work best for us is to respect each others work habits and give each other space. However, we no longer have kids in the house and I know that is a luxury many of you do not have. Sometimes it is essential you are on the same time frame.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’ve never regretted by child free stance, but I most certainly don’t regret it right now!

[–]bitchbaby11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

same, for sure.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It’s funny because my husband has OCD. He typically deals with certain intrusive thoughts but for the most part copes pretty well. Stress is a huge trigger for him and for nearly 3 years after buying our new house he struggled with severe OCD. Over the last 6-9 months he has really gotten a handle on it and is back to his normal levels of overthinking things. He laughs because everyone else is living what he did for the last several years. I went for a walk and touched a button for the light and basically held my hand up and away from me the whole walk. That is something my husband would have done (and still does to a certain extant) naturally).

I was incredibly worried this would trigger him. But he is handling it with incredible ease. He looks at people flipping out at his work about small things (like touching a doorknob) and is like, “look, you can’t do this. It will ruin you.”

On the other hand he is anxious about the economy and our jobs and such - but even then he’s been very level headed. I try to not lean on him to much with my own anxieties and just take my cue from him.

Edit - not sure why the downvote... I’m not allowed to not be miserable during this time and say it. It is worrisome. We almost lost our marriage because of my husband’s anxiety. I lost about a weeks sleep because I was worried this would cause a relapse. My husband is taking proper precautions. He just realizes he has to do things to keep his anxiety in check or it gets out of control.

[–]bitchbaby110 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

thats funny and interesting. im in the CPSTD subreddit and seeing a lot of people saying they're handling this pandemic shockingly well - because a constant state of panic and being isolated from society is what we've been used to for years. its interesting hearing that about your husband as well.

[–]stevierose789[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am happy to hear your husband is holding up well. Sometimes it it the little shit that can trigger people, but they can handle the major hurdles.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree. I lost sleep for a while thinking this would be a relapse especially seeing me disinfecting things or going out of my way to wash my hands a bunch. He does those things but to a “normal” level - definitely not obsessively.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I noticed a lot of down votes, too. Im sorry. What I meant to say was "just baking away, in nothing but my apron and a smile!"

[–]bitchbaby16 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

pretty wonderfully tbh. been in quarantine for almost 30 days now, and only had one disagreement, and i too let my mind go wild with 'does he still love me?' when it wasnt related. besides that, i am so happy with my man, and it feels good that this is another test we're handling well. he still works, and i am out of work right now. he is a little stressed and worried, obviously, as am i. but our relationship together is going well imo.

[–]stevierose789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am glad you are finding your "we" in your relationship. I would say that being in quarantine for 30 days would be true test and if you are doing well then props.

[–]Amanda-Black7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Very relatable experience. My man was also having an off mood and I started worrying that it was because of me and we ended up in a big fight. From the experience I learned that i suppress many things so as to not ‘inconvenience him’ (My thoughts, not his words) and all that suppressing leads to me blowing up over small seemingly things. It’s challenging but the upside is that it brings to the surface things that need to be worked on in the relationship.

[–]stevierose789[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just keep that hamster in its cage. Tell yourself to let things go for a while. That is different from suppressing things.

[–]Animalcrossing4eva2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

How is it different? You shouldn’t deny your gut. You can express yourself in a healthy way, but why should we be concerned with the man’s feelings and not the other way around? Let your man know that you need to lean on him for emotional support sometimes.

[–]QueenOfCorvids5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It's been interesting.

We recently moved in together after he sold his home. We're in the process of selling my home and looking for a home to purchase.

Between us we have 5 kids, 3 cats and a derpy dog. Home sales have understandably ground to a halt with the virus, so that's been a bit of a bummer.

He's working from home and I'm still going in to work. There's a lot going on at all times in the house and it's been a hell of a transition.

My partner has honestly been a rock star throughout it all. I admire his patience and ability to remain calm and collected.

The kids have been having a hard time, especially my oldest. It's been a monumental exercise in team work to deal with him. I hope things settle down for my son soon.

Some days are more stressful and I can see they put a strain on him so I do my best to alleviate what/where I can.

Overall, things are going well. I hope they continue as such.

[–]stevierose789[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We actually were in the process of getting our home ready to sell when this hit the fan. I continue to work on improving things so we will be ready to sell when things turn around. You have my sympathy dealing with your children and the emotional upheaval they are experiencing. I am glad your SO is taking this in stride.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

No moralizing

[–]Animalcrossing4eva0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s not moralizing because I didn’t say it’s evil. I said it was not smart. Those are two very different things. Step dads have a high likelihood of abusing step children.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My husband is genuinely so even-keeled that he's not really worried about this to the extent of the rest of the country. He's taking it seriously. He doesn't believe it's a conspiracy or anything. He's talked his parents out of having everyone over for Easter and doesn't want to take unnecessary trips, but he's truly solid during all of this. We're financially stable and he believes we'll get through it and in a few months, everything will be okay, if a little different...

... which is great, because I'm not handling it well. This came at a bad time for me personally and I'm now home all day, worrying about the apocalypse. I'm worried about my job, my family's jobs and businesses, their health... I could go on and it manifests in extreme lows. I feel bad that I'm not stronger for my husband, but he's assured me a dozen times that I can lean on him and he doesn't feel burdened.

During the calmer moments, I cook him good meals and clean the house while he works. I make him treats and surprise him. I'm crocheting an afghan for his mothers 70th birthday this summer. I work to stay well-groomed and not get fat. So, I guess this pandemic has just made me love and appreciate my husband even more.

[–]stevierose789[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am also making an effort to put really good meals on the table and I know he is enjoying them. It has also been a challenge for me as I try to use what we have on hand instead of running to the store. It does make me feel better that I can whip up good meals from scratch. I really have never been into cooking new recipes and really depend on old standbys, but now I am experimenting with what I have to work with. Thank God for Pinterest. If the apocalypse does happen I plan to count on a well stocked pantry to get us through. First I need to put on my mask, take inventory, make a list and go buy the stuff. It is very hard to go from full employment to being at home 24-7. Sending best wishes your way.

[–]Throwaway2303062 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My husband is calm and very distracted by work right now. He works from home anyway and has been swamped by assignments lately. He doesn't read the news besides a daily glance at the headlines. He doesn't read think pieces about covid. We are financially stable for now. So he's in a good headspace.

I'm the one getting anxious and honestly spending waaay too much time looking at the news and social media and this or that pundit. My husband threatened to cut me off! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a mediocre apocalyptic horror movie on Netflix, like that Bird Box thing from a few years ago

My occasional anxiety aside, we're doing well. I'm also working from home but have a lot less to do, so I'm the one homeschooling our oldest child and coming up with ways to keep the younger kids busy. I'm kind of liking the extra family time. My daughter and I have been making crepes every week, normally that's a once a year thing.

[–]stevierose789[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

As a fellow worry wort I say cut off the news, put on some music you love and look around at all the good stuff in your day right now. I know you worry because of your kids but they might be gaining more benefits than risks from this situation. They are experiencing a new form of family life and hopefully it will make an impact.

[–]your_vital_essence7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I know it's not for menfolk to comment here, but dang, I just want to say that your self-reflection in service of your relationship is fricking awesome. +1

[–]stevierose789[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you. I am proud of the fact that I have finally recognized when my emotions need to be put in check long enough to really look at situations that upset me from an objective perspective. The down side is that this self reflection can sometimes lead to my losing focus and doing some really stupid shit like locking myself out of the house today. Fortunately my husband is whistling again and laughed when he came home to let me in. I appreciate your comment more than you will realize.

[–]your_vital_essence3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Are you kidding? It's so worth it. I'd always want a partner who spaces out on unimportant things, but who keeps their head on straight for the important things. Locking yourself out of the house is just a syncopation in the melody of life. An inability to laugh at yourself though: that's a hard problem to address. Same with a desire to reside in a place of umbrage and drama to shore up insecurity.

I'm a person who often looks like a fool, but I know that my ability to tolerate such external appearances indicates the health of my vision back on the self. I'm cautiously optimistic that I get the important things right, and I think you do. Good luck to you and your husband!

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]stevierose789[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am glad it has been amazing. I have noticed when I am out walking that there are many people out and they seen genuinely happy.

[–]kerbearrrr1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honestly been incredible. I moved in with him last thursday (for isolation reasons) after only 10 months of dating and it just feels like one long sleepover with my best friend. No fights & no tears, i don’t know what I’m doing so right.

[–]baby--bunny[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not much has changed for us tbh. Fiance started working from home a little over a year ago. I started taking online classes around the same time. He works weird hours so we rely on delivery for most of our shopping; we are extremely introverted so our date nights are ordering tons of pizza and him drinking whiskey, me drinking a soda until I'm done being pregnant. Nothing has been affected except it takes our groceries a bit longer to come and I've stopped throwing packages on the couch (which was probably a bit gross in the first place).

[–]SQAQ1590 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

What's your analogy about keeping the hamster in the cage? You mentioned it's different from suppression. Could you elaborate more on that? I'm intrigued.

[–]stevierose789[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Keeping the hamster in the cage to me means not allowing myself to freak out (when my emotions are demanding that I do so) until I can objectively look at what is so upsetting. The things that are upsetting to me that are beyond my control are the things I can let go of. The things that I suppress is the guilt I experience in knowing that yes I could have some control, if I choose to. It is the things that bother my conscience the most that I make a conscious choice to deal with as that is the only way of letting these things go for me.

[–]ASTRA-LUX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's such a lovely analogy by the way.

[–]_johnfketamine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We’re both students, so we’re still very busy. We have two other roommates, one of them is your stereotypical bad roommate, so tension has been high. We promised each other that we wouldn’t take our frustrations out on each other. That helped a lot. It was a good reminder for both of us that we’re on the same team. I’m so grateful I have him through this awful situation.

[–]AquaSerenityPhoenix0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honestly we may be doing better now than we ever have been. We have worked our life in a way that has made us self-sufficient enough to be ok. Our relationship is growing better, our kids are thriving and we try to stay realistic.

We are concerned about what this means for the future, but we know these things are out of our control. I'm just hoping our state gov doesn't get bold and try to drag this out.

[–]Zakdoekjeleggen0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm the oracle in our home. Told him about the virus and major consequences early January, and we have been preparing hard since then.

He takes my advice more seriously than before, and if I tell him to buy X ASAP, he doesn't wait to hear the explanation first anymore.

I have had a few meltdowns and nightmares about this in februari, and it was stressful. Because back then he didlisten to my warnings, but we were both still hoping it was just gonna blow over. It seemed to come out of the blue sometimes (my hysteria) so it was hard for him to sympathize. He saw no hurt in being prepared and did it anyway, but didn't really worry yet, himself.

Now that it is hitting, I am coping much better and he is very proud of me for making sure we were ahead of the curve. I was right about everything I didn't dare warn anyone else about.

[–]dinasway1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Curious as to why you said you didn’t warn anyone else about it? In my experience others around me (including SO) are kind of dismissive about this whole thing....Is that why?

[–]Zakdoekjeleggen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I doubted myself because I put too much stock in general consensus. Some relatives were annoyed with me for bringing it up even when I didn't expand on how bad exactly I thought it would get. FWIW, I think people need to work on community food security everywhere. Time for victory gardens.

[–]DunboyCastleInTheSky0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My boyfriend and I have gotten closer. We see each other all the time and have to get creative about activities with one another.

The most positive thing to come out of this situation is that he’s gotten more comfortable sharing his feelings with me. :)

[–]HappilyMrs0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mixed tbh. I am prone to anxiety at the best of times, and my husband works in a supermarket. I dread him going every day, and have visions of him dying :( He's been home 1.5 weeks as he started coughing one day and work policy is 2 weeks paid sick leave. Him being home is much better. He's concerned but doing well mentally, and is always reassuring me.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He is struggling very badly with work responsibility. It’s my job to be the oak for him and to not expect anything from him for the next few months.

I take care of all domestic and family responsibilities as usual, and do as much of his work as he is able to let me do. Sadly there’s very little else I can do.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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