~ archived since 2018 ~

STFU in Practice

July 9, 2019

STFU (shut the fuck up) is probably one of the most misunderstood pieces of advice I see here. It seems like once a month I read the following:

My husband has been out of work for the last 18 months, since he was fired from the Dog Food Factory. Initially, he was really depressed, so he'd spend his days playing video games and complaining about how unjust the whole thing was... except that it really wasn't. He called in sick all the time, because he didn't feel like going to work, since he hated his boss. I didn't want to say anything, because I read RPW and know the importance of STFU, so I trusted him to be responsible... but he wasn't. After a few months of video games and moping, I assumed he'd start putting in job applications and going on interviews, especially since I was working double shifts with our first baby on the way. Now it's been a year and a half of being the dutiful and faithful wife. I encourage him and spoil him, even though I'm exhausted from new motherhood and 60 hour work weeks, but he won't put in any applications! I'm trying so hard to keep my mouth shut, but I'm not sure how long I can go on like this!

STFU is not a directive to be a doormat. It's a sign of trust and respect, both of which are earned and reciprocal. If your husband is intentionally sabotaging his current job or has been unemployed for an extended period of time, without looking for new work, he's not respecting you as his wife or himself as the leader of your household. He's abusing your trust and loyalty. A similar situation:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for five years. When we moved in, the plan was to get engaged within a year and married within two. We were both on board with this and excited about it. However, my boyfriend hasn't mentioned engagement since shortly after we signed the lease. I've been reading RPW and I know I should continue to STFU, but it's been five years and I'm about to turn 28! I'm not sure if anything will ever change, if I don't speak up.

While the above boyfriend isn't neglecting his family, he is disregarding the goals and the plans you made together. He's disrespecting the parameters he set with you and wasting your time if he's changed his mind without saying so. In both situations, you're completely within your rights to speak up, because you're strongly impacted. STFU isn't intended to reward steamrolling or abusive behavior. It's a method of respectfully placing your trust in your partner. So what does it look like?

A few months ago, my husband and I were expected to go to dinner with his supervisor... who he hates and still thinks is a moron. I didn't want to go, because I know he finds the man insufferable, but the supervisor was paying and being really pushy about it, so my husband made it clear he'd be pretty upset if I refused to go. Day of, we were running errands and lost track of time. I didn't have time to go home and change, even though I didn't feel dressed for a restaurant. My husband thought I looked fine, so I decided to STFU. Dinner was awkward, but bearable, until it came time to pay and the supervisor asked for separate checks. Wait. What? I thought he was paying! I looked to my husband for some sign that this was unexpected and saw nothing. He seemed totally fine with picking up our check. Earlier in the day, he'd told me he wanted me to wait on a purchase, because we didn't really have the money, but he could pay for a dinner neither of us wanted, when he promised it was on the supervisor?!?

But wait... I trust my husband. I know he's not a pushover and supervisor or not, he would not have just taken that hit, when he didn't even want to go to the stupid dinner. There must have been something more to this. So, I decided to STFU. When we got to car, I calmly asked "Did we pay for that or...?" to which my husband explained that his supervisor had given him and his coworker cash, so they could order what they liked and not have to worry about going over some limit.

Consider the alternative. Instead of accepting that my husband didn't care that I wasn't dressed to impress, I throw a fit and insist on going home to change. By the time we get home, it's too late to go to dinner at all, my husband has to cancel with his supervisor, and he's pissed, because he'll never hear the end of it. Perhaps I do keep my mouth shut over my attire, but the check is the last straw. Instead of trusting my husband to handle it, I blurt out "I thought he was paying," to which I get the same explanation, but I sound ungrateful to the man who bought us dinner and embarrass my husband and he's pissed, because he'll never hear the end of it. Instead, STFU saved the day, because I trust my husband, who has earned my trust.

While I've outlined a daily interaction, STFU has long term applications as well. The supervisor my husband hated? I was always worried that he'd do something to get my husband fired. He was constantly pinning things on my husband and taking credit for his work. He spread rumors about everyone and bad-mouthed my husband to upper management. He kept him from getting a promotion and multiple people thought it was because he was threatened by him. I vetted well, however, and married a man who had been very successful in the oil field, something that only happens if you know how to play the game. When he'd vent, I'd occasionally ask if he'd mentioned some of these concerns to upper management and sometimes he did, but I was careful not to nag. The culture of my job is vastly different than his. I had to trust that he knew what he was doing, despite my fears that this idiot supervisor was going to screw him over. It's a good ol' boys' game and my husband is the best good ol' boy of them all, so I STFU.

Three months ago, upper management called my husband into the office to talk about his supervisor and some issues they were having with him. My husband told them, without exaggeration or feeling, some of his problems. He left the office with a promotion to crew chief of another department, proving that my trust in him is earned... and sometimes so is my silence.

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Post Information
Title STFU in Practice
Author Kara__El
Upvotes 230
Comments 18
Date July 9, 2019 6:41 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]ragnarockette5 Stars 80 points81 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think STFU needs a qualifier.

STFU....about the small, inconsequential shit.

He made a wrong turn? STFU.

He didn’t load the dishwasher up to your standards? STFU

He ordered a new video game even though you’re saving for a house? STFU.

He gained 40lbs and quit his six figure job to tend sheep? say something!

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think women find their way here and don't familiarize themselves with the concepts before internalizing what they think they've learned. I honestly don't think I've ever read STFU advice in response to big ticket problems, but it's oversimplified enough in discussion that it's not surprising it's applied that way.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don't pet the unicorns

[–]HumanSockPuppetTRP Founder 20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The main idea behind STFU is this:

  1. Don't let your emotions get the better of you. Yeah, it feels good to give in to an emotion and express it on the spot. But you may not have all of the information, or know everything that is going on. If you speak or act before you really understand the situation, you will definitely look foolish, and you'll probably upset your man and embarrass yourself.

  2. Always create the appearance of unity, don't air your dirty laundry in public. How you behave in front of other people matters. Even if you disagree with a decision your man has made, disagreeing with him in public is NOT the time to do it. Picking a fight with him in front of others undermines his strong image - and that undermines YOUR image as well (because now it looks like you're dating a loser whose SO is always bitching him out). Wait until you're alone with your man, and you have more information, before bringing it up.

Diplomacy can be a woman's most powerful weapon, and a good diplomat listens more than she talks.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd add "Will this change the outcome?" He took a wrong turn and now you're going to be late. Will mentioning it change that? Can he turn around or is he now on the wrong turnpike? Second one? STFU. You'll be late either way and you won't be fighting.

[–]Cookiedoughspoon1 Star 41 points42 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so good! I adore this post so much you have no idea. That trust is so freaking vulnerable and beautiful and feminine! I remember my mom telling me ladies are seen, not heard and teen me was like EXCUUUUUUUSE MEEEEE but now as an adult...yeah. She's right. Obviously if I'm being mistreated and my livelihood/security is being threatened I'm not shutting up but on a regular day where I don't need to jam my nose into things that are none of my business? I won't. Men really don't want the wife that's hooting and hollering everytime he brings her around his colleagues. Theres being a cheerleader and theres being a soccer mom. Cheerleaders cheer when you win. Soccer moms start yelling because they think the yelling will force you to win.

On a lighthearted/internal note my guy has a thing for energy drinks because he gets up extremely early. I did a quick little sentence about how those can be rough on an empty stomach and dropped it. Didn't tell him to stop buying or drinking them cause its none of my business. Guess who came to me a few days later talking about a tummy ache and how I was right and he's going to slow down on buying them.

I could've attempted to strong arm him into doing what I thought was right but...why. He has to learn from his own experiences. I'm not his mommy. I'm his cheerleader. Good for you for realizing they make you sick. Have some pepto. The end 😂

[–]nawinter77 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The really beautiful point you've made here is that you trust your husband ...

And that he's earned that trust.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

A man worth trusting and following leads his professional and personal lives like a shark does: always moving forward. Doing just enough to maintain status quo is not a plan, IMO.

Progress may stall on one front or the other, but having two areas to progress forward in means that one or the other can be worked on when there is a temporary halt on one side.

And, working on these two sides complement each other. Doing better professionally? Flesh out retirement and emergency funds. Put together a moving fund to change towns.

Stagnating professionally? Get more education, or certififications. Investigate other business sectors to work in. Fix up the house or cars. Stretch out the comfort boundaries to do something unique (and reasonably priced) for your partner.

Leaders lead in a direction (even the wrong one sometimes) but that demands movement.

STFU is valuable for worthy leaders. I’m not so sure that the opposite ever works for non-leaders... best to change the horse, I think...

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree, but I also think these are vetting strategies. If he's not like this out of the box, you don't get to nag him until he changes.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are completely right, I didn’t bring it home strong enough. It’s what I was thinking, though.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]MicrotusOchrogaster 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Me too, I think OP handled it extremely well, and her man would've been grateful for that. Was reading the story of the supervisor dinner thinking how perilously close I could come to popping off about the check! argh!

[–]LeeLooONeil 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great post. Recently went through this with a friend. Our men have very similar personalities but vastly different results. It was very difficult to guide her using my reactions when the results of her mans actions were so different despite the similarities in circumstances. She simply had to leave to keep herself safe. We’re coming up on 20 years, despite dealing with some damn hard times. STFU has been a presiding factor in our relationship but it has always boiled down to him proving that his path was the right one to follow.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great post. Thank you for addressing this and explaining it so well!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not to be a hater but... why would your husband’s boss give him cash before taking y’all out to dinner, so he could buy dinner right in front of the boss? That’s not how this works.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

His boss is an idiot.

[–]fchowd0311 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the most depressing thing I've ever read on the internet.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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