~ archived since 2018 ~

Stop bringing up negative past with your partner.

August 26, 2020

So, backstory for me so this makes any sense is I was raped twice as a teen. First was my first boyfriend that I wasn't willing to lose my virginity to so he just took it after over a year of us being a couple. Second was a male friend I had cried to about being raped. No alcohol or anything was involved, first time I was held down, second time I had a medical episode and was heavily sedated and he took advantage of that in my home whilst my parents were in the home.

I suffer with diagnosed PTSD as a result of this. For me this means I have nightmares, I am a little paranoid regarding men and I have many physical triggers my partner has to completely avoid, which I might add he does so brilliantly.

I had an extremely abusive upbringing, being bashed, whipped, told I was ugly and no one would ever want me, strangled, the list goes on. Siblings were also in on the abuse of me, of which I have 5.

The past few years I've had to come to terms with the reality that my mother isn't insane and can't therefore "be excused" for her behaviour, she's intentionally evil. So I cut her out of my life.

I have also worked hard to deal with my PTSD to the point I rarely have nightmares now.

Obviously, going into my relationship with my partner, he needed to be made aware of what he was getting himself into, especially regarding my PTSD. So, I told him all about what happened to me before we entered into a relationship so he could decide whether he was willing to accept that and work with me on it.

However, having been so open with him and him being so understanding and accepting, he became my venting outlet. Whenever I'd have a nightmare or be reminded by some new unpleasant thing a sibling did of my childhood abuse, I would talk for hours to him about my memories, feelings, etc. He would listen and comfort me, much to his credit, and I am truly thankful he has been so wonderful regarding all this.

I completely did not consider how draining it must be to listen to someone you care about talk about such awful things all the time. Until one day it just suddenly hit me and I felt terrible. I've been working over the past year or so to stop talking about that stuff unless some new information comes up. I've noticed it has much improved the mood of our relationship, he sounds drained significantly less often.

I was wondering if anyone else has any insight on this kind of behaviour, tips on how to curb it, any personal experience with this behaviour, etc. I'd be interested to hear opinions on my behaviour specifically also.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/RedPillWomen.

/r/RedPillWomen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Title Stop bringing up negative past with your partner.
Author Ebenholz95
Upvotes 117
Comments 20
Date August 26, 2020 3:02 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]A_WoodHouse64 points65 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A registered professional psychologist is for talking about trauma, no other person has the emotional capability to take that information. I have a weekly therapist, covered by insurance and if I have an emergency she has walk in hours. I also live with PTSD from SA. Things to let a partner know- “PTSD is this, I have PTSD from this (keep vague- from sexual assault is enough), these are my triggers, this is how to recognize a PTSD attack, this is how to help”. If you are in need of telling him, say “I’m struggling right now with an episode, please do this [hold me, get me water, ex.]. Then call your therapist for an appointment, and write down your thoughts in the meantime. Have a plan. EDMR therapy is especially for PTSD, research it

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've been to various counsellors, psychologists, psychotherapists, psychiatrists but I think at the time I wasn't ready to heal. I needed to grow up. I think my emotional maturity was definitely delayed due to my childhood, but now when I have spoken to a professional it has actually had an impact and I have taken their advice on board. I'm not currently speaking to anyone but I think I will in the near future.

[–]sunny2weather17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's good that you realized how draining that can be. Even though someone loves you and wants to be there for you, it will still take a toll on them for that very reason - that they love you and it hurts them to hear about your abuse. The best person you can vent to is a therapist. The second best person is a friend that you trust. Some friends make really good listeners. It doesn't mean that you stop talking to your partner about this, but rather you decrease the amount of time spent on it.

[–]Ari3n3tt311 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Your awareness of this seems to be part of the healing process to me. If you’re not in therapy I totally recommend it, there are lots of great trauma specialists around and since the pandemic a lot have moved online which gives you more options.

Have you told him about the realization you had? Not in a venting way but more in a casual way where you can also let him know how much you appreciate how he was there for you and ask how you could make it up to him

(I’m the person who ends up being vented to a lot in my friendships and as long as the other person knows what’s happening and is working on improving it I wouldn’t hold it against them)

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I did mention it to him a couple days ago, he said he had noticed I'd stopped talking about those things as much. He was appreciative but made clear I can still talk to him about it.

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He sounds like a great guy.

[–]thinkreate4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You might wish to check out r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. These can be very helpful in terms of education and the people there are very friendly and helpful.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The main reason I chose to post here is to avoid the attitude of "well he's your partner, he should be there for you" or "well you were raped so the least he can do it listen". Which I find extremely unhelpful.

I will be sure to check out those subreddits and refer to them in future. Thank you :)

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

First thing you should know, as someone who’s recovered (only comes back time to time), is that it’s okay to talk about it. With that much mental load, it will be more damaging to not. But you’ve also recognised that it’s unhealthy to unload on one single person, and are looking for a healthier way to deal with emotions.

My suggestion is to spread it out. You need not go in detail with each person, but have a number of close people you can turn to. Like others have suggested you need a regular therapist to work through your issues with. You can share with friends (female). You can journal. You can talk to strangers online. Have a rotation so you don’t overload anyone person, and be sure to be there for them as well. With female friends this builds bonds and trusts. Also note the activities you do that make you happy, and put them on standby for yourself to dive into immediately instead.

This is not politically correct to say at all, but from someone with PTSD to another, sometimes when very bad things happen to us that doesn’t seem to happen to anyone else, we can get trapped in a self pitying mindset. I find it helps when you’re trapped in the just-woke-up-from-a-nightmare-loop to wait a while for the fear to pass and remind yourself you’re not a victim anymore because you got out of it. There’s no urge to talk about feelings when you don’t feel like a victim.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I try not to go into detail anymore, often now I can just tell my partner "I'm feeling a bit mopey today because of my ptsd" and then he'll tell me he loves me, hugs me, then offers for us to do something I'd like together to take my mind off it. I think that's a lot healthier than talking about it and dwelling on it all the time.

I don't really have many friends unfortunately so that's not an option. I think therapy is the only real option that doesn't cause any issues that would allow me to talk about it.

I definitely used to be in a self pitying mindset. "I did everything right and this still happened to me, not once, but twice." etc. I'm at the point where I realise that even if that is true, it's not helpful to me to dwell on it. I don't harbour any hatred or ill will towards those 2 guys either anymore, I certainly don't ever want to see them again as their faces make me feel ill but I just don't care about their existence anymore.

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe fortifying your existing friendships or building new ones could be a goal moving forward. You’d feel much stabler if you had a strong and wider support system behind you. Socialising regularly also helps with mental health in general, as that’s how humans are designed.

I definitely feel you in the last paragraph. The sudden flashbacks is the only thing left now, but working through it with my therapist. You can do this!

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Get some female friends you can talk to. Men are not as wired for talk about subjects they can't fix as women are. And maybe learn to journal; what you sound like you need is an outlet, and journaling can be a great one that doesn't subject anybody to have to listen. AND you can be 150% honest to a journal - we often hold things back with other people, even our loved ones.

[–]AnarchoNAP2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't rant to other people about things that upset me if I'm not upset. Prior to the lockdown I was in therapy every other week (during the lockdown my therapist seems to take excess vacations), journaling, worksheets, meditation, etc. If I'm doing well then that's all I can convey. It DOES take time and I don't know how long ago your events were.

[–]LadyHelvetica5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You really just have to let it go. Let all of the pain go. As long as you hold onto it, it will keep hurting you. This is genuinely a situation that calls for therapy. That’s not a bad thing. You’ve been to hell and back, but no one ever taught you how to deal with all that trauma.

If you got a cut, you would clean it, right? And if it didn’t heal but instead festered and grew more painful, you’d try to see a doctor, right? Same with emotional wounds. See a therapist. You deserve to heal from this.

As for your relationship- you are spot on. Dredging up all that pain and negativity drains not only the people you share it with, but also yourself. You may not realize it, but you probably hold onto a lot of habits you developed from trying to protect yourself in the past that hinder your ability to form positive and healthy relationships now. I don’t say that to invalidate your current relationships but to acknowledge just how wonderful your relationships can become as you work through and heal from your past.

I am not a therapist myself, but I did go through many rough years and held onto all the abuse people put me through. I would lie awake at night unable to sleep because my brain would just replay all the horrible things people had said or done to me. It prevented me from being open and vulnerable and loving in all of my relationships. As I’ve worked on healing in the past year or two, friends who have known me forever have commented on just how much more warm and feminine and gracious I appear to be now.

You sound bright and self aware, and I can tell that you care for your partner and the affects your mental and emotional health have on your relationship. You’ve got a good heart, and I have no doubt that you’ll be able to heal from your past and come out a happier and healthier woman on the other side.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know that if I had met my partner a year or two earlier we probably would never have ended up together due to the place I was at in my recovery, I'm happy with my progress but have a lot more work to do and look forward to improving further. :)

[–]DifferentApricot41151 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This must be a sign as I was thinking to talk about it with my fiancé today

[–]Aquamarinesss1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, venting to friends or family too much is not good. You need professional, long-term counseling. Also, a domestic violence/sexual assault group to meet with weekly is advisable. No one else is going to understand the situation better than people in those groups. But please don't get stuck there, go with the idea of learning, growing, and moving forward. God bless you!!

[–]Entire_Mind63571 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I know I'm late to this but everything people have said in the comments of the thread is very good and I Hope you are doing well.

Much love xx. :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you :)

The comments really helped actually. I really needed that encouragement/validation as I couldn't find anything about this subject anywhere. People don't like to talk about the negative impact your emotional trauma can have on other people as the focus is always on the person that experienced the emotional trauma.

I've been even better at avoiding talking about it since this post because I have that positive reinforcement in the back of my mind that I'm doing the right thing. I've been working on not thinking about it rather than solely not talking about it. If I was thinking about it and forcing myself to keep quiet about it I think I wouldn't deal with that well.

[–]Entire_Mind63570 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey I'm very glad to hear that Much love ;)

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter