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Surprising male generosity/chivalry after applying RP as a woman

April 7, 2018
31 upvotes

My boyfriend has been so giving (with his time, money, resources, thoughts) that it sometimes hurts. It hurts that he wants to give me things that he could just save. I often feel like I'm not worth it, and want to say "no, spend it on yourself instead" or "thanks but I can take care of that myself" but I remember femininity and receptivity and allow myself to say yes in wonder.

I believe he's better than anyone I've been with before, though it also must have to do with me discovering RPW shortly before meeting him and applying it to the best of my ability. I'm wondering if you ladies would like to share any surprising "shifts" in the caring and chivalrous nature of the men in your life (doesn't have to be husband/SO) shortly after you applied RPW tips!

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Post Information
Title Surprising male generosity/chivalry after applying RP as a woman
Author LeilaintheDark
Upvotes 31
Comments 16
Date April 7, 2018 1:42 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/surprising-male-generositychivalry-after-applying.2805
https://theredarchive.com/post/2805
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8aevne/surprising_male_generositychivalry_after_applying/
Comments

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have been working in my non-verbal support of my husband as he seems to be going through a transition to self employment and I think finding himself to an extent. I've focused on not talking more cuddling arm grabbing hand holding kissing or back rubbing. This has lifted him up and he's more affectionate, tonight we went for a night walk and my feet hurt so he gave me a piggy back ride for the rest of it which turned into him carrying me through the front door and carrying me to bed. He's also opening up more to me about alot which I've been wanting for a long time. He's always held doors for me or if there isn't a seat I sit on his lap lol.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Aw that's so great to hear! Being carried makes me feel so girly. The opening up thing is magical. It seems like the more quiet you are, the more they start filling in the silence.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well I've been with him for 7 years and know next to nothing about his past before us. He's slowly sharing

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The less I look for ways to justify my wants and desires - the more I openly and honestly say what I want - the less issues I have with him. Previously, I would explain why I needed what I wanted, or I would try to find ways to almost manipulate it out of him. It nearly always went poorly.

Since reading The Surrendered Wife bit about this, I don't explain. I just say what I want, what I need, or tell him (without apologising) when I've gone ahead and gotten an item I needed. I was so afraid it would erupt into arguments, but it has been amazing. Whereas before, he would get so upset when he sensed me trying to sneak or weasel my way into getting something, now - he is totally okay with it.

I think what bothered him was feeling like I was trying to outsmart him, and feeling like I didn't believe he would provide for me. Now that I'm direct, he's happy to give me what I need.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ahh this tip is gold! They're good at applying logic, you just be confident in your desire (which I guess is an emotion, even if there are rational reasons behind it) :) I also read about it in The Surrendered Single when I was single. I have a different problem. I usually suppressed talking about my desires because I was afraid to seem needy. But I think it led to people not valuing me and not trying to make me happy in ANY way. Now that I'm open and honest it's completely different!

[–]TheLaughingRhino 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

"I often feel like I'm not worth it"


I've seen variations of this comment and reaction over time, not just within the various subreddits.

I have always taken many topics here back to the tried and true "Hunter/Gatherer?Cavepeople" Matrix, because much of how we behave is biological imperative/survival instinct.

One large reason why many women are uncomfortable with "generous" men is that if he gives so freely, will he do the same to another woman, to other people, at the detriment to our children/future children?

From a survival standpoint, every bit of resource he allocates out, is one not going into the mouth of your children. It creates anxiety and discomfort in women. They are hardwired to constantly assess the security and safety of their children above all else.

I've traveled the world. I've seen different cultures. I've dated women across all types. I've talked to lots of people at different social status levels, careers, etc, etc.

Here is a sentiment many men feel but will never say.

A man with a decent amount of experience will calibrate over time how to "manage a woman" in a relationship. In Red Pill terms, this is called "Push/Pull" Meaning sometimes you give high doses of attention and caring and whatnot. And much of the time, you basically ignore her. This works well for guys where this is their natural disposition. But for many guys, it's not, and it's basically walking into an ambush.

Do you want me to say it? OK, I'll say it.

If a man is a little too kind and generous to a woman, she'll eventually resent him for it. Much of it ties back to the resource allocation to her children scenario. It's instinctive.

This is what many men think and don't say - If I have to treat her basically like crap maybe 40-65 percent of the time, just to keep things civil, then why even bother?

Gary Chapman, who wrote The Five Love Languages, cites "gift giving" as one of the communication styles people use. Some people it's their natural state. Men are biologically hard wired to provide and protect.

Should you be socially graceful when you receive these things? Sure. There's no point in arguing over it.

But, sadly, over time, it's very likely you will resent him for it, deep down. It will not likely calibrate as such openly, you just will find over time, you don't like how it feels.

If he wants to sustain your relationship, he needs to stop. The tough part is you can't make him stop nor tell him to stop.

Funny story, well maybe not so funny. I was asked once, when I was in South America for work, by a local there - Why are kind people abused so badly in your country?

Kindness in Western terms opens you up for open attack. Generosity in Western terms opens you up for open attack. Listening to people, really listening to them, in Western terms, opens you up for open attack.

These are no longer seen as social virtues, but some kind of indicator of a personal flaw in the person. I'm not saying I feel that way, just how people often treat it.

[–]clemangerine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This deserves to be its own post.

[–]HobbesTheBrave1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn't mind reading more about this.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I mean... I was doing a study abroad program where there was this one girl who was excessively nice to everyone (even to people who were lukewarm in response) and people tended to not like her. It read to me as her not having a spine. I get that there's the "nice guy" trope. But I believe there's a huge difference between being nice to be liked, and being nice because you can (you have the ability and resources) and the person is nice to you back. I'm sure if I wasn't so sweet and passionate towards him, he would stop his behavior, which is a good thing.

That said, your theory, especially about the allocation to children part, is super interesting. But aren't there different ways of being "generous"? I'm reminded of this really fun movie Sleeping With Other People, in which the protagonist girl is obsessed with this engaged doctor who is I guess "alpha". She would do anything for him, like lots of sex, for zero commitment. He gives nothing back, doesn't take her on dates etc. Later he marries his fiance, and it's implied in the movie that he provides for her because she's his wife. I feel like both wife and the protagonist girl would see him as alpha, it wouldn't make much sense to me if protagonist girl sees him as alpha, and wife character starts resenting him for being giving. I know this is really gray and the dude is basically seeing both women at the same time, but your comment just reminded me of that movie.

[–]unicorn__juice3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’d always taken pride in my ability to provide wholly for myself/not rely on anyone (due to childhood experiences) etc. When I became comfortable accepting help/chivalry/random acts of kindness from my SO, they started happening more regularly. Eg. SO cooks dinner occasionally- I thank him lavishly and ask if he needs assistance, rather than taking over the cooking. Practicing gracious acceptance of generosity is as importance as giving generously imo :)

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

So much yes! I somehow had the implicit belief that their kindness has a "cap" on it, and if I accept more, it'll run out and they'll resent me. But it turns out it's totally opposite, the more you accept, the more they think of more ways to give. It has been a challenge discovering my own ways of giving, instead of taking over his methods of giving (that's not giving, it's competition!)

[–]DelicateDevelopment1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

How do you do this? I am not sure if it is correct, but it reminds me about my own situation. I always reject offers, because I don't want to seem needy or as if I wanted to take advantage of somebody. The more intimate the more difficult it becomes to accept something. I always hear the voice of my mom that married women are just worse paid prostitutes, and I think that this turned into some weird form of pride so I am rejecting everything except tenderness. But of course these rejections also kill tenderness pretty fast.

On the other hand I feel like I have to do a lot and everything, move mountains.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hi :) I relate a lot!

With him it just started small. I read The Surrendered Single before meeting my bf, and receiving is a big part of that book. Since we were just getting to know each other, he would give little things, which were easier to receive. Then as he saw I was enthusiastically receiving, he gave more. The bigger things (note: they're usually not physical things but just helping me a lot with my life, career etc.) were harder to receive, but I guess I just remind myself to TRUST him and his ability to give what he thinks fit.

The other thing is reminding myself of what I'm giving, which often doesn't feel like giving. I look up to him in awe and accept him 100%. It doesn't sound like a lot, but just think of how men live their entire lives responsibly and competitively to become successful so that others can look up to him and accept him. So many men are not truly accepted by their wives, and some (many?) are not even accepted by their mothers (I know I'm definitely not accepted by my mother). How many men never find that, even after they become successful? And imagine having a girl who already sees you as the king, the best thing ever.

Besides that, on a more tangible level, I'm a good cook and I remember to take his tastes into account, I give him trust and encouragement for any endeavor/idea he has, I experiment sexually with him and turn down anything remotely like an advance from other guys, I remember his accomplishments and casually mention them when we're with friends. All these things are extra things that's driven by my desire to do the best I can to please him, and I think it's turning out to be more valuable than fighting with him for the dinner bill, for example.

[–]gretamine1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The area I live in has always been kind of traditional (a medium-ish city in western Canada) so men have always been chivalrous to me and other women. I'm a little scared to move cuz of how I've seen people in big cities behaving

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Interesting. I also live in a medium city in western Canada! I've found that in some big cities, like New York, men are chivalrous to women (just in an everyday stranger sort of way) and in other big cities, like Toronto, it's totally opposite.

[–]gretamine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel like Canada is a lot more left-ish if that makes sense so our biggest cities with the most propaganda (Vancouver, toronto, montreal) are gonna have the most feminized men. The west tends to be better about keeping traditions imo, and some places in the US.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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