“The only good hamster is a dead one. But if you could keep it tranquilized, that’s close enough for government work.” - u/durtyknees

 

We’ve talked in the past about the problem with self-esteem, a feel good concept not to be confused with self-respect.

 

To esteem anything is to evaluate it positively and hold it in high regard, but evaluation gets us into trouble because while we sometimes win, we also sometimes lose. To respect something, on the other hand, is to accept it…The person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. This self-respect is not contingent on success because there are always failures to contend with.

 

Self esteem, always fashionable because insecurity sells us stuff, is a potent stimulant for your hamster. Throw social media into the mix add a dash of salt and let the comparisons and self-loathing begin. We can spiral our hamster out of control comparing ourselves to others, wondering why she has something better, why that other man would never do what our SO just did.

 

The first step to a healthy and sedated hamster is liking yourself. This is self respect. It doesn’t mean “liking yourself in comparison to others.” Rather, it’s a straight up appreciation for your own life and acceptance of where you are currently in the world.

How do I learn to like myself

 

  • Take an inventory of your life and thoughtfully acknowledge the good and the bad. Everyone has bad and there is no reason not to look it squarely in the face. Be actively aware of the good. Face the parts you don’t like and make a plan to change them. Hiding from the truth won’t make you feel good about yourself.

  • Similarly, take some initiative to achieve goals for yourself. Earn your own respect!

  • Get off social media. Even though you know that it’s highly curated, your brain still looks at what others have and makes comparisons.

  • Understand and accept that life has trade offs and every person makes their own. Nothing is perfect and if you focus on what is bad in a situation, you won't be able to be happy. A 'perfect' life is one where the benefits outweigh the costs in your eyes.

  • Don’t spend too much time in echo chambers. As humans we are inclined towards group think and comparisons. By spending time around all sorts of people, you have a more realistic view of the world and yourself. Hamsters thrive in echo chambers.

Ok, I like myself, now what?

 

The hamster’s official titles is The Rationalization HamsterTM. Mine’s name is Joey.

 

Your hamster comes out to play in response to feelings. As you try to identify the cause of the feelings, the hamster gets in his ball and starts to run. He can go all over the place, sometimes getting you even farther away from the truth and deeper in negative emotion territory than you were when you started.

 

You may not stop the hamster (he’s your response to feelings) but it only take a little bit of effort to turn the hamster to your advantage. All this really means is assuring yourself of what you already know. Learn to identify your feelings. Not what they mean, just what they are. An easy way to start: if you are reading RPW and have a bad feeling over something you read – don’t try to put a “why” onto it, just stop and recognize the feeling as “I don’t like this”. Eventually you will put the why to it, but the pause gives you a moment to acknowledge and feel your feelings. We’re not trying to turn them off, just delay the rationalizations about why you feel them.

 

As an aside to this, I strongly recommend tracking your own cycle and symptoms. I cannot tell you how often my BFF will get upset at her husband and 24 hours later tell me that she got her period. It’s incredibly valuable information to have about yourself.

 

After this pause, you feed your hamster the information you want it to have. This is where liking yourself comes in. If you feel a pang of jealousy, feed your hamster: “he picked me, I’m pretty, we are well matched, he didn’t pick her, I am in control because I can up my game if I need to”. It’s important that you believe all those things, which is why we started with self respect.

 

Hamster sedation can take varying amounts of time and require additional tactics. While we promote bringing your captain your problems this is best done when your head is cool. Many women collect stress like it’s dirty laundry and we have a tendency to dump the whole load on any person who is kind enough to listen and offer comfort. Our men may want to help us through a spin cycle or two but he will tire of it quickly. If you find that you need to vent, start by journaling it out. Rereading the emotional dump once you have cooled off will help you to better understand how your hamster works. It will also serve as a reminder of the crazy you don’t want to dump on your man every time. Pets can also make a great captive audience if you are someone who needs to vocalize your feelings to calm down. If your cats start fleeing whenever they see you, consider a nice inanimate teddy bear instead.

 

Lastly, there will be times when you find it impossible to sedate the hamster on your own. This is where it’s important that you have solid friends and not an echo chamber. Many women believe that you shouldn’t talk about your relationship with anyone else. There is wisdom in this tactic because other women can pull you down to boost themselves up. However, having a few friends who will support you and be honest can be invaluable. You need a woman who you can trust to say: “but he adores you why are you jealous” because sometimes the hamster needs an outsider to inject the sedatives. It should be someone who shares your values and either cares about your husband or doesn't know your husband (if there is no one in your life who shares your values make private friends through RPW). Without a real set of eyes (so to speak) you can go too far in one direction or the other.