~ archived since 2018 ~

Telling my boyfriend he's "the captain"

January 11, 2018

Yesterday was a rough day for my boyfriend. He got home late from work after a meeting that put him in a bad mood, and he quite clearly wanted nothing to do with me or the rest of the world for a while. So I let him be for a few hours, made dinner (it was amazing, by the way -- braised chicken with mustard cream sauce, yum ;) ), and let him decide when any interaction would take place. He came into the kitchen as I was washing some dishes, and the first thing he did was apologise for having been so cold when he got home. I firmly believe that if I had not just let him be, and had instead bothered him to pay attention to me, to help with something or other, he would have never given such a tender and sincere apology.

Anyway -- a bit later, after dinner, we decided to just lay in bed and talk for a while. And it was at that time that I decided to do something I had been thinking of for a while, but that, truthfully, I was a little nervous to actually say out loud.

"You know, I kind of get the feeling that you're the one in charge, between the two of us."

I think that at first he took it as a reproach, because he started trying to explain it away, but I stopped him and said that no, actually, I really appreciated it. That I trust him completely and that I love being able to follow and submit to him when circumstance allows. He laughed a bit and said that I must not be a feminist -- but actually, I am. And this is my choice, not my obligation.

It was really wonderful to see him cheer up considerably, and (very!) reassuring that he told me he wouldn't take advantage of my devotion.

It was a heartwarming moment and felt like a small victory, but not one that I could really share with people outside this sub, so here I am giving a giddy "morning after" field report.

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Post Information
Title Telling my boyfriend he's "the captain"
Author KittenLoves_
Upvotes 200
Comments 7
Date January 11, 2018 8:18 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–][deleted] 61 points62 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

That's really sweet. I had to learn to leave my BF alone when he's in certain moods. It was rough because I always want to solve the issue as soon as possible, but that's not how emotions work. I liked your paragraph about being a feminist and making a choice. I feel like that's the root of feminism and it's what everyone seems to forget!

[–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I totally understand what you mean. When I get in bad moods, I have two versions: "help cheer me up" (the most common), or "everyone fuck off while I stew in my misery". And since I generally tend to feel better with the help of someone else distracting me, I automatically assumed it would be like that with everyone else, too. Luckily my boyfriend was cognizant enough to realize that we have different needs early on, and when we started living together he told me that sometimes he'll be in a bad mood and he just needs to be alone, but that it doesn't mean he's mad at me. It took me a bit of time to internalize, but I think I've got it mostly down pat now, 5-ish months in.

As to feminism -- you're right! I often feel like I don't quite fit in here, because I reject the idea that all women and all men are built to have the same needs and desires in a relationship, or that everything will work better when the man takes his "natural role" as leader. I think it definitely works in some cases, but not in all of them. And I absolutely think that ultimately a woman needs to decide if that dynamic is good for her. I hate the idea of anyone, male or female, being pushed to play a role -- in a relationship or in society -- that they're uncomfortable with. I've been in relationships where things were more equal, and in a (same sex, so perhaps that's a bit different?) relationship where I was the leader. Ultimately those relationships failed, but it isn't because the dynamic was wrong. It worked for us at the time! The choice for a woman to lead her life as she pleases is the ultimate feminist act. If I choose to submit to my boyfriend in my relationship it doesn't make me a pushover, and it doesn't mean I have no goals or aspirations of my own. I just happen to trust him enough to believe this is the best course of action for both of us.

I know, I've rambled a lot, but I read your comment yesterday while I was out running errands, so I had a lot of disparate thoughts percolating in my head about it over the past day. :P

[–]Miss_Keys36 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Relationship goals.

[–]1stOfficer16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great step in a long lasting relationship that keeps him happy and you cared for, protected and loved. Thanks for sharing. Remember that if you really watch the actions of a woman, not just the verbiage, you will find out what a woman truly wants. So keep being supportive and show him everyday that you want him to lead.

[–]Blissfully7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dream of dreams ❤️

[–]xiurune6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This was so heartwarming to read!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We're on the same page, lady! :)

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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