~ archived since 2018 ~

Thank you for making me feel like femininity is normal.

June 25, 2020

I know there have been quite a few posts about this, but I wanted to share my story. I have been hyper feminine my entire life, but always felt ashamed of my femininity. Growing up, both my parents were engineers (how cool is it to have a mom as an engineer though??) and my sister was a tomboy for as long as I could remember. I come from a relatively conservative Asian family that views femininity as hypersexualization. For example, none of my aunts were allowed to have long hair and they were all married before they could date. I always felt this weird animosity about my femininity - I could tell they wanted to be feminine but they couldn’t express it. They were kind of in awe by my femininity but I was relentlessly gossiped about (they predicted I was the highest risk of becoming a pregnant teenager).

Aside from my upbringing, my friends were mainly staunch feminists, even when I joined a sorority in college. I was still probably the most hyper feminine one in my sorority. Most girls dismissed feminine colors and girly stuff as a way for men to infantilize women. I totally believed that so I tried to dress more grungy in black...well that didn’t work at all!!!!!!

Fast forward to work...I’m four years into my career and I get a new job. This girl at work is a super try hard type of girl that tries to be one of the boys (even says she wishes she was born a boy but don’t worry she has no trans inclinations; she’s just an attention seeker). She tells people she looks like a little boy but she’s actually a closeted hyper feminine too (I can totally tell) but is super ashamed. She starts shaming me for being girly. Constantly telling me “I wish I could be girly like you bc boys like that but I just couldn’t.” Making comments about how I dress (“wow you look so girly today.” In a disgusted tone). Ridiculing me for having really girly items and decorating my desk with pics and plants (nothing fancy).

Finding this sub literally flipped a switch in my brain. I finally felt like it was OKAY to be feminine. It sounds really weird because I tried to talk to one of my friends about this who I thought had the same feelings but she kinda gave me a o_O response. I don’t know if I’m victimizing myself. Regardless, I’ve embraced that I LOVE pastels, I want a strong man, I love poodles, I want to look attractive, I want to be a poised, womanly person, etc. I’m SO TIRED of putting on a feminist display (although I do believe women should be respected and have equal rights, but gender roles are not a bad thing as long as they’re not assumed!!!) and I’m tired of muting the color palette in my wardrobe so I appear “cool” and “boyish” or gender neutral.

My boyfriend has actually really supported me buying more girly stuff and being more girly in general, so I owe partial thanks to him.

It just feels so refreshing to be in a community where being feminine and possessing feminine qualities (like taking care of yourself and practicing restraint and high standards) is a GOOD THING!

Thank you for making me feel more comfortable in my own skin.

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Post Information
Title Thank you for making me feel like femininity is normal.
Author PettyPuritan
Upvotes 222
Comments 25
Date June 25, 2020 10:33 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

When I started reading this sub I was in the middle of a really confusing, self-hating time. It was time to start applying to grad schools but I had this feeling that I was making a mistake. I really liked being a TA and technician for a bunch of the chem labs and was considering “maybe it would be fun to be a teacher...”

My professors and boss outright told me “with your technical education you should be applying to PhD programs, it’s a waste to use your degree to teach.”

My peers looked down on me for choosing to limit my earning potential and take such a... well, frankly, let’s cut the shit, they looked down on it because teaching is a female-dominated profession. To be ‘smart’ you had to want to compete like a man. I definitely got kicked out of the cool kids club for that. We would all get introduced at seminars and stuff and it would be like “Here’s Katya who’s going to study drug design at Stanford....... and here’s Zsadiist who’s going to be a little teacher.”

Even my mom, who I have a wonderful relationship with, said some really jarringly awful things that still stick with me and that I don’t care to repeat— along the lines that it’s a waste of my potential to just be a teacher.

All of this led to a lot of angst and self-hate at the time.

This sub was one of the only places that I got the message that women can get fulfillment outside of getting a PhD and being fiercely competitive in their work life. Men don’t care if you make 200K a year. It’s OK to want space in your life to support a family. It’s OK to want a job that involves a lot of soft skills. It’s not a ‘waste’. In fact, from an evolutionary and statistical standpoint, it makes sense that that’s what I want!

I’m very glad I found it when I did. I went to grad school to become a teacher. I teach college-level chem and I’ve been saving and working for years, rather than just getting out of school now. My work-life balance is amazing, I am really fulfilled by working with young people, and I’m really fucking good at it. When I want kids I’m going to be able to take time off to do it and spend my summers with them. And I was freed from the feeling that I was a traitor to my gender for all of this.

[–]daffodil-13-11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Our society’s focus on climbing the ladder and having the most prestigious career can be so damaging. I seriously can’t imagine looking down on anyone for choosing teaching if their heart was in it—good teachers are a literal blessing, and good science teachers are especially lacking at least where I grew up. I think it’s very admirable you became one.

[–]PettyPuritan8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was totally brainwashed into this as well. Climb up as far as you can and be successful in society’s eyes, but nevermind your unhappiness and weight gain from working 14 hour days. Put aside your interests and natural tendencies and put on your competitive big girl pants to climb the corporate ladder.

I’m so sorry you went through what you did and I’m glad you followed your own path. I had many amazing teachers in high school who shaped how I think today (I owe a lot of my success to some of my teachers). They were all “”better”” than what society perceives as teachers (the number of times I heard “why is so and so a teacher?” Is appalling) but they have made such a HUGE impact on my life and so many of my classmates. A majority of them are now very intelligent people who are studying in their field of passion. Maybe with the exception of me since I’m still finding my path. Just know that as a teacher, you are SO influential and good teachers can change lives. I hope you never look back.

[–]toomim0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Awwww... 😍😍 I want to marry someone like you.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

This story has such a nice happy ending : )

At the same time, I don't see how this is about femininity necessarily? I mean, would you think that a man who decided to become a teacher instead of getting a PhD was effeminate?

I'm not trying to be disagreeable here. I'm just kind of confused by what everyone is talking about here. I honestly think this is an age thing and I'm trying to understand what you all are up against (I have a little girl and I want to know what she's going to face!)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

would you think that a man who decided to become a teacher instead of getting a PhD was effeminate?

I’m glad you don’t personally feel this way but the societal perception is out there. I mean, you’re aware that people view male nurses in a “certain light” for choosing to enter a ‘caring/nurturing’ profession rather than pursuing an MD, right? Male teachers are entering a traditionally female profession and are held in the same regard.

At the same time, I don't see how this is about femininity necessarily?

I chose to embrace my desire to work with young people and choose a ‘traditionally female’ career. I chose to limit my earning potential and arrange my life to make having kids easier. The people in my circle looked down on that. I got a tiny taste of what it would have been like if I said I wanted to be a housewife.

The expectation was that high-performing women would all dominate the corporate world with 60-hour weeks, bring in as much money as the man, and that having kids and a family would always be on the back burner— or else they’re rejecting a hundred years of feminists fighting for them to have those options.

This is my experience as a Millennial. Gen Z will have an entirely new set of issues and your kid might even be too young for Gen Z.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


It's interesting how things change. I was raised to think that anyone, man or woman, pursuing a high-stakes career was betraying their family on some level. The exception was generally for medicine or non-profit work, or maybe journalism. These jobs would generally would be for men, since a woman would face serious disapproval if she couldn't be there for her family.

[–]PettyPuritan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I grew up in a household where my mother brought in the same or more money than my father (they work in the same profession; see original post). I remember my mom getting really worn out because she was working 50 hour weeks, coming home, cooking dinner for our family, also taking care of her sick siblings, also taking care of two teenage girls, cleaning the house, etc. It was so overwhelming for her. She had a talk with my dad and he started chipping in as well. They both don’t have high powered jobs though. An equal relationship could work, but generally it’s very very rare and extremely difficult. My parents also had very regular hours at work, which made our lifestyle possible.

Now that work can be done from home and takes over people’s lives, I’m really interested to see its effects on the family unit. Something always has to give; time is a scarce resource. I use to want to have it all, but it is NOT POSSIBLE without outside help (nannies, cooks, house cleaners, gardeners). The family unit is at risk when you preach that women should be able to “do it all” aka be a homemaker and a high powered executive. Everyone loses in my opinion. The kids, the wife, the husband. Unless we further upheave the traditional structure and have men take on some of the housemaker responsibilities but then this whole thing gets so messy.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Confused about what you mean by girly -- are you mostly talking about your clothing here? The qualities you list as feminine (taking care of yourself and practicing restraint and high standards) actually seem kind of gender neutral to me.

I'm older than most people here and I often realize that things must be very different for women who were raised even ten years after me. When I was a girl, maybe we were expected to grow up and work but we were also expected to love dressing up, babies, baking, and that kind of thing. Seems like it's not that way any more.

[–]PettyPuritan5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

The expectation of liking babies, dressing up, baking etc. is gone now (from my perspective). I think some of the younger women would back me up here that sometimes we’re shamed for our femininity due to modern feminism.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's really sad.

What exactly are you all shamed for?

[–]PettyPuritan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would say just bring really girly like wearing dresses or pastel colors. Just how you present yourself. At least within my friend group (which primarily consists of very intelligent high achieving feminists), they literally think being girly infantilizes women. Most of the west like super grungy revealing outfits if they go out. I went to a brunch once and they were all wearing like super trendy but very masculine clothes and I stuck out like a sore thumb with a dress and heels. They don’t take care of themselves either and believe in having sex with basically anyone because female power.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]blushingoleander1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You fold your dollies?? How gauche.

[–]mhandanna12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think its a common silent majority (maybe not majority), that want more traditional setups*, read the comments:

They aren;t sexist comments like women get in the kitchen, men cant do nursery or childcare jobs, not at all its saying yes of course everyone should be able to do anything they want, not be restricted by society's views and given all the oppurtunity, but don't push this crap that we all have to do so 50:50 in society, cos we wont fall into that nor do we have to work 90 hours a week in meaningless jobs and pushing a new type of feminsits gender role (i.e. motherhood is worthless and betraying the cause etc, being feminine is bad)

A common feminsits position in academia is that the nuclear family is BAD and pushes "patriarchal norms" so how is that free choice? where is the liberation?

And I still don't see feminists buying wedding rings, proposing, asking men out on dates, paying for things, etc so clearly they limit how "non gender roles" they are to when and wear it suits.... the funniet example of hypocriscy has to be how the Norwegein feminst organisation argued against making concription gender neutral, out of nowwhere they started saying all these gendered things, which are the exact opposite of what feminist always go on about, they basically said women are all things nice sugar and spice and shouldnt be forced to join milatary, women dont have temperment for milary, they contribute to society by having children, they should not be expected to work in harsh environments and trained to use violence.... WTF?? Where is this coming from feminists?

[–]amadexodus4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hello beautiful lady!

You're not victimizing yourself. You will get more attention from boys than that coworker of yours, so she will probably continue to be nasty toward you. And you may have female friends who often comment on how you look when you show up to meet them when you hang out.

I'd recommend not telling your boyfriend about the male attention you get (unless something serious happens). You're probably just telling him to share your day with him. He's going to read it as a problem you're bringing to him, and he's going to want to keep you safe. But if it's harmless attention, and you tell him not to do anything, then it's going to scramble his brain with confusion and possibly frustration -- Why's she telling me this? Is she trying to make me jealous?

I'm so happy for you and how you're embracing your femininity!

[–]-sosedka-2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yay, so happy for you! Yeah same! I don’t necessarily agree with quite a bit of anti feminist things, and am left leaning on a lot of stuff, but I so appreciate the normalization of femininity and desire for traditional values. And frankly feminism should not be about telling women they should be masculine now, it’s about letting them (and their partners) do whatever the hell they want. So I even more disagree with with how that “masculine feminism” and “50/50” life is forced as the only way to be on the rest of the reddit. I forcefully had to face my femininity few years ago when suppressing it caused me a lot of mental problems. I am in a happier place now, but in a job that requires a lot of masculine energy, and it does affect me. However even expressing it it in small things helps so much.

[–]PettyPuritan1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes doing whatever the hell we want to do is feminism. If you want to be a high powered executive, more power to you. If you want to be a teacher, more power to you. I hate this success hierarchy people hold others to. You’re basically told to climb the ranks and spit on the people below you. I fall victim to this because I’m human but I’m trying to rewire my brain.

[–]nonmenthols2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

what do you mean when you say you’re a left-leaning traditionalist?

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

For some reason I don’t see where OP says this (edited?)— lots of people here are left-leaning in their politics, but in their personal life want a ‘traditional’ relationship dynamic/division of duties (since this sub is concerned mostly with relationships). Based on context maybe this is what OP means.

[–]nonmenthols1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

i should have dm‘d her, it’s in her profile not the post

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]nonmenthols6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

i am a leftist but not a traditionalist. i asked bc i’m interested. it’s been a long time (years) since i’ve visited trp or rpw, and the few posts i’ve looked at on rpw are different than i remember. for instance, you assuming that i was coming at her from the right and mocking me for it took me way off guard lol

[–]Roman_Cheeseburgers0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I understand! I used to get teased for being feminine growing up and told I was trying to act /dress like a white girl

[–]PettyPuritan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hate it when people assign race to a style/behavior/etc. I hope you’re comfortable acting like yourself now 💕

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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