A few weeks pass, now it's almost the day of the Regatta. OP is back with an update. She seems to have come up with a pretty decent compromise. Does she sound happy with the situation? Does her boyfriend? Would you be happy with this outcome, or would you handle it differently?


So my original thread was recently mentioned in a post so I thought I'd provide an update. I do a lot of lurking but not much contributing, so I'm sorry if it seems my post history is weak.

I decided that I would save the team the morning of the regatta and then give up all future rowing events indefinitely. I knew that the single regatta would not be a deal breaker. He seemed ok about it, but then the morning of when I woke up early to leave he was really in a bad mood, called me out for being sketchy, said some pretty hurtful things, and then calmed down a couple of hours later and we were completely fine by later that day and hung out.

Giving up rowing was great for our relationship, but we are still an insecure couple. He has compromised by doing water activities with me. We hang out all of the time, so when we separate for an evening, it can be pretty tough. We try to remind ourselves that trust can only be proven if we give each other a chance to prove it.

I guess now my question is more how to find the balance of staying attractive for your boyfriend and making him feel comfortable. I know these two things usually go hand in hand, so I'll try to explain.

If I have the option of hanging out with my boyfriend, I'll probably pick him over most things. As a result, I haven't hung out with my friends much and he has already said things like "why I haven't I met all of your friends?" The thing is, I'll invite him to things I do with my friends and he won't want to go, and sometimes when I hang out with them without him he will be uneasy. I want to make him comfortable, but I can't help but think that he must get tired of me always hanging out with him not really having much of a life outside of him and work. He says he always wants to chill with me, and I need to trust that, but I hope I'm not subconsciously making myself less attractive. To make matters worse, when he hangs out with his friends without me and I bring something up (like if he has postponed hanging out with me to prolong hanging out with his friends) or display any sort of insecurity, he'll get mad that I'm acting insecure, saying I'm unappreciative of the time he spends with me and that's unattractive. So, it clearly is unattractive when I am insecure and unappreciative, so will it be unattractive when I continually decline to hang out with friends to be with him (which also stems in part from insecurity but also on my desire to see him)? I just don't understand how he can expect me to be so secure and confident when he is not there yet...

I feel like I'm painting this bad picture of some insecure beta but that's not him at all. He is very alpha and very much does what he want. I have accepted that there will be some inequality in the sense that, while he can go to bars with the guys guilt free, I would be crazy to think I could go out to bars with girls and have him not be concerned.