~ archived since 2018 ~

The doorknob incident that wasn't

February 17, 2015
199 upvotes

My SO decided that he wanted to buy new doorknobs for the house. He said that he doesn't like the round ones, and wanted the lever kind. My first thought was to wonder how much that's going to cost, because I was pretty sure doorknobs are expensive. My next thought was that he quite possibly will figure that out for himself when he gets to the store. Rather than saying all that, with an excited smile on my face I said "okay".

So we get to the store, and he starts mumbling about how darned expensive doorknobs are. I think he's about to throw in the towel when I see some nice lever knobs on clearance. He likes them, and starts filling up the cart. I begin freaking out inside. We're still in some debt from buying the house, and new doorknobs are not necessary. I start mentally adding up the cost of the doorknobs, which even on clearance are pricey.

Then I stopped myself. Is it worth ruining a really pleasant weekend over some freakin' doorknobs? No. Have I not made some possibly unnecessary purchases since we've been in debt? I have. Are these doorknobs going to make us happy? Yes. Am I trusting him to do what's best for us if I question his spending? No.

I kept my mouth shut, and the hamster inside shut up before we even left the store. I'm glad I kept quiet. He installed all of the knobs while I did some sewing. I actually really like them. It's quite handy being able to use an elbow to open a door, and they look awesome.

He looked so proud of his new doorknobs, and that I liked them. I'm happy I didn't crush that by not trusting him.

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Post Information
Title The doorknob incident that wasn't
Author Kittenkajira
Upvotes 199
Comments 30
Date February 17, 2015 4:23 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/the-doorknob-incident-that-wasnt.85199
https://theredarchive.com/post/85199
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2w7doh/the_doorknob_incident_that_wasnt/
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Comments

[–]JackGoldsteinWrites26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep, this wasn't a battle you needed to fight.

I mean, if he does this all the time and it adds up to something material, then speak up, sure. But for an isolated incident that meant so much (to him), you did the right thing.

[–]neveragoodtime1 Star43 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think the most impressive takeaway from this is admitting that you spend money on things as well. In my experience, I didn't question any of my ex's expenditures, while every one of mine was questioned and vetoed. I can't tell you how difficult it is for a man to not be allowed to make improvements and contribute value to the family. To argue against every expense is to say his contribution is not valued or welcome. You made a good choice and you saw the benefits to your relationship.

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with everyone here. This is a lovely example of how easy it can be stir up a bit of dust, but you managed yourself very well. Financial decisions can be a source of great tension, and it's not always easy to put aside your concerns for the sake of taking pleasure in a project. Congratulations on keeping a positive attitude and trusting your SO.

I will be adding this to the Insightful Field Reports thread. :0)

[–]Kittenkajira6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks! I feel special. :)

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's honestly little stuff like this that has the potential to spiral into huge arguments about total bullcrap if handled wrong. Good for you, I like the way you think.

[–]Kittenkajira1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's so true! Stuff like this starts arguments, then they warp into being about things that have nothing to do with how it started. That leads to the he said/she said and who's right/wrong about what.

[–]CourtneyTriesReddit1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly! It's about picking your battles - doorknobs are (literally and figuratively) a small thing to worry about.

[–]3Tres36 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had something like this happen this weekend! We went to my niece's birthday party and my husband wanted a nice gift for her, he told me to go buy something and not spend less than $60 on it.

I thought it was a lot for a 2 year old but I went to the store and bought her 3 toys for a total of about $70. Because I went to a local toy store I had options of European and educational toys not available at big retail stores. The little girl LOVED them and my SO was happy and thanked me for taking care of it. I felt so happy and I'm glad I didn't say anything and didn't go for a cheaper toy.

[–]pancake_ice5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If you were concerned about the budget why didn't you bring up the concerns to him? You can have opinions and be concerned without being a nag. You two could have gone out to look at the door knobs you really wanted and saved a month or two (or rearranged your budget or whatever).

I am glad it worked out in the end but if they were expensive I don't see why talking about a budget is a bad thing.

[–]Kittenkajira1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It ended up not being very expensive ($140), so I was glad that I didn't make a big deal about it. The best way I've found to discuss concerns without nagging is to state what I'm afraid of. So I would say something like "I'm afraid that we're not going to get out of debt".

He does know my views on money spending, and we've had many conversations about it. After dragging myself out of debt in my early 20's, my biggest fear is getting back in it. I made sure to pick a partner who was financially responsible, and who had minimal debt. But part of me wants to control HIS money flow to ensure that HE doesn't get into debt.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is such a good way of rephrasing! Gets at the heart of expressing your concern without demanding or guilt-tripping. Will definitely be using this in the future :)

[–]HipHopTron5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Doorknobs? No wonder you're in debt.

[–]valkyrieone8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's great to see that you had your reservations but kept them from intruding on the positive's of this whole experience. Even so, you allowed your SO to see the expense on his own without intruding with something that may/may be necessary to be said. Also, the fact that you located a positive and cheaper alternative; you both are happy with the result and that's what really matters. He chose to make the final purchase and ended up saving money in the long-run because who knows when something like that will be on sale again.

[–]sterlinghtsmi10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

geez do I need a RPW.

[–]Lyrad10028 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Since RPW are picky (80/20 rule), there are probably a lot of dudes that that need one.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Worth the extra expense right there then

[–]saffronbelle2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can I just say how thankful I am to have found this subreddit? You girls are great. I'm not ready to get into a serious relationship right now, but I'm picking up tips here and there and trying to improve myself for when the time comes.

[–]alclarkey2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Guy here, while naggy women can be a bother to us men some times, it's also a problem if you let your guy walk off a cliff because you don't want to rock the boat. I guess it's a pick your battles sort of situation, but if he's going to put you in a poor house, you have to speak up.

[–]SoonToBeMrsHim3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is me. Every time we are at home depot. I fail about 50% of the time and get naggy. He has a very good understanding of our finance so I'm not sure why I can't let go. But it's a lot better than it use to be where I would quite literally pout the whole car ride there because he was spending his money on something I didn't deem important. Since swallowing the pill and making a conscious effort to let him lead I think this is one area I have improved the most.

[–]Marriedwithkidz1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love lever doorknobs! We are slowly changing ours :)

[–][deleted] 2 points2 points | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 1 points1 points | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 1 points1 points | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

If you want to attract a quality woman, you have to be a quality man.

Please be sure to read the side-bar in the meantime. Male participation is fine when comments add to the conversation, but 'head-patting,' compliments, and otherwise fawning behavior is discouraged. The users are here to work on improving themselves, and while it's good that you know what you're looking for - comments such as the one you made are inappropriate.

[–][deleted] 1 points1 points | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My point was that you should be spending more time on TRP and/or working on yourself instead of making weird comments on RPW threads.

Your odd self-analysis brag attempt is yet another example of content that does not belong here...

[–]ElKod[🍰] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You shut him up so bad, he had to erase the account... Damn lol

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

His account is still active, but his comments have been removed.

/u/Dr_Bishop is enthusiastic, but, as with many gentlemen that have come to the RPW sub - he just hasn't taken the time to fully understand either TRP or RPW.

He's welcome to comment in the future, his contributions just need to be relevant and add to the discussion.

[–]Limberine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep, guys need retail therapy too sometimes, and to do something creative. My husband likes photography and has made some big purchases for kit but it makes him happy and gets him out taking great photos. I think being married is about trying to help the other person do what they want to do. Your man wanted to improve the look of his home with lever doorhandles and you helped him do it. This should just be pretty normal in a good relationship but well done anyway. I know sometimes it's hard to not look at your partners choices and think quietly to yourself "Really, that's their top priority right now?", but the more you just go with it, as you did, the better (unless it's really crazy but you didn't chose a mad man did you). :-)

[–]thismaytakeawhile0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

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