Last time I spoke about the apparent contradiction between men pressing for sex (and not wanting to be put off), and men wanting partners with low n-counts. And how these are actually two manifestations of the same male desire for a passionate, involved partner.
So, it may not be hypocrisy, but it still leaves today's young woman with a problem. She cannot simply treat men like slot machines where you pull the sex handle until you win the relationship jackpot... because with each pull, her odds get worse. Entering into a series of sexual relationship, and simply hoping each one will be "the one that works out" is foolish.
Every time a woman goes to bed with a man, she takes a risk, and makes an investment. Getting to lifelong, happy relationship, with the best possible man, is about managing this risk, and maximizing returns on her investment.
So, answering the question, "What is there?" leads to "What shall we do about it?"
The Final Exam.
"The moment after I first bedded a girl, that is when I would meet her for the first time."
The man who once told me this knew what he was talking about... he had loved a lot of women, some for a single night, some for years, one until breast cancer finally took her in the twilight of both their lives.
It took me a while to understand what he was talking about, but I eventually did. When a young woman meets a man, she naturally asks herself "Is he serious about me, or does he simply desire my body?" What she often doesn't realize is that such is the power of the male sex drive that often he doesn't know, himself.
Simply put, many men, in the first stages of getting to know a woman, are wearing "lust goggles". Couple this with the fact that male emotions are dimmed down to the point that many men are unaware of their emotional state from moment to moment, and you get a man who simply doesn't know what he wants yet. He may say he wants a relationship. He may even believe it. He may try hard for weeks or months. But the true test is how much emotional attachment remains when the "horny goggles" are off.
When sexual desire is out of the equation, whatever remains is emotional attachment.
- The first "moment after" is like getting your grade back on the final exam.
- You are just now seeing the results of what you did up to this point.
- He, too, is just now seeing the results.
- If he's edging towards the door, or edging you towards the door, you failed.
- If he's spooning and nuzzling, it's more likely you passed.
Nothing is finalized until those "horny goggles" come off, and promises or facebook statuses don't change this. Men do not leave you because they "didn't pinkie swear". Men leave you if they are unhappy with who you are, or what the deal is.
So, given that the goal is the best possible relationship, with the best possible man, lasting indefinitely if possible, then there are a few obvious implications of this metaphor.
1. Don't take tests if you don't care about the class.
Never have sex with a man if you are not passionate about him, and specifically him. If you want an orgasm, get a vibrator. If you want attention, get a dog. If you are lonely, go hang out with friends. If you want to feel pretty, get a makeover. If you're not sure you're into him, and you want to test it and see, then you're not into him, and you should stop wasting his time. Any relationship that you do not enter into out of urgent desire for that specific man is a bad risk.
2. Don't take tests if you don't know the material and haven't studied.
If "how to be a keeper" is an abstract idea to you, if you don't really know what it means to "be feminine", if you find yourself arguing with men instead of charming them, then you are not relationship-ready, and you need to be in monk mode, working on that, before you gamble on your relationship readiness.
3. Don't take tests unless you are prepared to take responsibility for the results.
If you are focusing on "searching for a commitment-minded man", "finding a trustworthy man", or "making sure he's not a player", then you are shifting responsibility. Getting to sex is men's responsibility, but getting to relationship is yours. There's a reason why we think a college student who complains that "the test was too hard" is a lazy, irresponsible lout.
4. Don't take any class that you are not good enough to pass.
Condemning men as "players" is shifting responsibility, but also be aware that any woman can have sex with a man that is out of her league for relationships. If you know your girl game isn't good enough to reel him in, let him swim past.... even though you know you could get him in bed. Some players are too good for you. Don't like that? Become better.
5. Be prepared to take the test when it's scheduled, or drop the class.
The purpose of a test is to assess your ability. If you tell the professor you need extra time to study, or you will fail, you are telling him you deserve to fail. If things are getting hot and heavy, and you have to put on the brakes and say "not yet, I need you to commit to me more", then he knows you're think you can't pass the test. You are telling him right up front your girl game isn't good enough, and that he won't want to stay without a binding promise in the mix.
6. Choose your university carefully.
Nightclub University gives tests on the first day of class. Maybe if your girl game is really tight, you can pass, but that's risky. Thirsty Beta University gives easy tests after a long class, but who the hell wants a degree from TBU? Fundamentalist Bible College doesn't give very hard tests at all, in fact, sometimes it gives you a passing grade before the test, but it only admits fundamentalists, and commits you to a career in the church. The Homewrecker School of Married Men lets you delay tests, but only a handful of women have ever successfully graduated, and they are not very popular.
Some good schools include Social Circle State, which gives slightly more study time and degree programs are pre-vetted for prestige and career impact. And the Workplace Crown College uses a unique model of allowing students to observe classes for some time before declaring the intent to take them. Clever students will think of other examples.
Key Takeaway points:
Turning sex into a relationship is your responsibility, not his.
Relationships are only truly tested after sex has begun.
Putting men off when they think it's about time damages your prospects. (You are visibly not passionate about him.)
Prefer nexting men over delaying them. You are either all-in, or you're out.
Balance risks and rewards.
The venue you meet in a man in has a lot of impact. Choose wisely.