"The right person" vs. " a man who's secure"

SuperSlavisWife · 2016-11-29T09:48:58+00:00

From direct experience and observation: If anything, both are true.

Stability:

-A woman wants a man whose life has direction, who has end goals, whether it is an own business, a family goal, or a standard career path.

-A woman wants a man who has options. He needs to be able to find work if he loses it, not too proud to seek a little help if he were completely destitute, but proud enough to do ANYTHING to prevent destitution. Even a millionaire could become homeless and penniless. His options matter.

-A woman wants his goals to match up with what she wants from life. As women, we have an easier time finding such matches than men. We're more flexible with what we want and often find satisfaction in support more than in chasing our own ideals. But you still need to agree on the basics and the core values.

Mr Right:

-A woman wants a man whose goals and values match with hers. Bears repeating. You need to agree on where he is headed, where you are headed and how it ties together.

-A woman wants a man she is immensely attracted to and respects. If he hits hard times, or is in hard times, she wants him to be someone she wants to uplift. If he loses work, you will need to work. If he gets injured, you will need to carry him through rehabilitation. If a relative dies, you will need to nurture him. If he starts a business, you will need to enable its success. You can't do that for a man who isn't both sexy and respectable. You would resent it. When he is sexy and respectable, even the hardest work becomes "what must be done" or even a pleasure.

So you need both, but they tie in together. If we pick a man who is right for us, we will work hard to make sure he is stable. But he must be capable of stability. If we pick a man who is stable, then we will find him more respectable. But he must be sexy and compatible as well, to ensure that if stability fails we can work together to bring it back.

[deleted] · 2016-11-29T08:51:13+00:00

Marriage, fundamentally, isn't about where you are in your career. We all have to go through our professional progression, but why can't we do that with somebody we love? Some of the best marriages I know were a young couple who started at the bottom and helped each other achieve greatness.

Personally, I would rather go through that with somebody that has my back. Just haven't found the right one yet.

Willow-girl · 2016-11-29T13:31:27+00:00

It is better to be poor with the right person than to be anything else with the wrong one!

[deleted] · 2016-11-29T13:54:14+00:00

Life is not a Nicholas Sparks book. He doesn't have to have everything figured out, but he does have to have the mindset that leads to it, i.e. emphasis on saving, career stability, and a desire to provide for a family. A lot of those successful marriages, which started from nothing, originated when the average marrying age was younger. If he's 25 years old, there is no reason he shouldn't have the traits I've mentioned above. If he's 22, he's a gamble anyway.

loneliness-inc · 2016-11-29T18:18:31+00:00

Any thoughts or experiences?

The more he feels like you married him for his money, the more likely your marriage is to fail.

Now you can rationalize from today until tomorrow that you aren't marrying him just for his money. However, if you only date people who's careers have actually materialized, you'd have a harder time convincing him that you aren't just after his money. If you marry someone while their career is still potential, there's no greater proof to reassure him that you'll be by his side in good times and in not such good times.

Now, this doesn't mean you should marry an unemployed loser. Not at all. Working for a living should be a value that's non negotiable. However, the fact remains that if you marry someone who's working but hasn't yet seen the success he strives for, you'll have less to prove. If you're only after him once his career is successful, he'll be more doubtful.

how men don't think about marriage

I have yet to meet a man, young or old, who hasn't thought about marriage. I have met plenty of men who avoid thoughts on marriage.

Panasas · 2016-11-29T07:57:34+00:00

I married at 24 but I had already been established 2 years in a good career with good promotion prospects. I couldn't have imagined myself marrying before establishing that initial solid base.

RubyWooToo · 2016-11-29T14:39:09+00:00

How old are you and who are the guys that you're dating?

If you're still quite young or going after guys that are just starting out and not sure what their line of work will be, if they plan on staying in one place, or in a line of work (like a medical resident) that requires near 24/7 attention, then it's understandable if they don't want to tie the knot just yet.

But if the guy is saying he can't get married until he's Executive Vice President or lands on the moon, then it's more likely that he's simply not interested in getting married or trying to avoid hurting your feelings when he blows you off.

[deleted] · 2016-11-29T19:13:32+00:00

I think there are a few different factors here. I met my husband fairly young, so naturally it was way before his peak financial years. To be honest, he still hasn't peaked in his career.

His lack of immediate financial success when we met never mattered to me, because I knew everything would work out fine. Here's why I wasn't at all concerned:

He had a plan. He wasn't at the finish line yet, but he also wasn't just flailing around. A guy with zero motivation is very different than a guy who isn't quite there yet, but knows how he wants to get there.
He was never unemployed. When we first met and he was in a very low paying job, but he worked like crazy. If he had to do doubles for three weeks straight, he would. I knew from his work ethic alone (so sexy, btw) that I never had to worry as far as his career was concerned. He had no problem holding down a job or working hard.
He had a lifestyle that suited his income. Having a low income due to age (or changing careers/going back to school/relocating) is way more acceptable to me than a guy who makes an average-decent income but has $20k in credit card debt and doesn't save for the future. I'd have issues with someone seriously in debt, because to me that reflects a character (and possibly intellectual) flaw. I'd have trouble respecting a guy who couldn't even manage his own money, I couldn't be submissive to a guy like that because my trust level would be 0.

All in all we wanted the same kind of future and a similar lifestyle, so marrying before our most ideal financial period wasn't problematic at all. It's pretty special starting at the bottom together and supporting each other's successes and progress, but that only works if you're on the same page.

CptButtertits · 2016-11-30T03:39:42+00:00

My wife and I(together for 5 years in March) got married when I was a student and she was fresh from being back in United States.

When we got married we didn't have a metaphorical pot to piss in. But she always used a phrase that her Aunt told her about men.

"BUY LOW BUT SELL HIGH'

I like to think that she treated me like a stock. She did her research saw the opportunity for growth and that I exhibited great potential as a mate and a provider and pulled the trigger. I did the same although I would have preferred to have all my ducks in a row.

But life doesn't care about your plans. The struggle brings you together and if she had my back then as long as I remain a strong Captain she will always be my First Mate.

Mentathiel · 2016-11-29T21:33:03+00:00

If you can afford basic necessities of living together, this comes down to how much he trusts you and how much pressure your culture or you put on him to have children soon after marriage. Or an expensive ceremony, for that matter.

It's important to note that you should vet for someone with prospects, as people with no prospects are (generally) maladapted, not being able to integrate into society properly and find their place within it. But having future prospects and working towards them and being hard working and determined and being on the poorer side because of that isn't the same as just having no aspirations and blaming others for your problems.

But that aside, it's the best if you find both in one man, but I'd always go for one who isn't as secure, but is "the right one." And you'll have to make him realize that you're someone determined to grow and help him grow and not hinder him or leech on him or leave him in the time of need.

rainyweathergirl · 2016-11-30T23:54:06+00:00

Ideally you want a combination of both. A relationship won't work with a man unless you find him physically attractive.

Othello314 · 2016-12-05T08:32:42+00:00

Career reflects the man. If he's a mess, chances are it's for a personality or willpower- related reason. Don't distract him by letting the relationship continue. Let him pursue his dreams and goals without sapping his ambition.

This from a woman who married a nothing and got lucky with a successful guy. If we had met 3 years later, it would have saved 5 years of a miserable marriage. Net: gain 2 years of good marriage.

ModernClassicLady · 2016-11-29T16:03:23+00:00

I think that usually guys that say they can't get married due to their career are using it as an excuse (exceptions for young students and the unemployed). Men generally see in increase in their earnings and career success after getting married (unlike women), so for a man to not get married due to his career is counterintuitive.

801735 · 2016-11-29T18:30:06+00:00

What do you bring into the relationship?

Title	"The right person" vs. " a man who's secure"
Author	vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes	12
Comments	22
Date	November 29, 2016 7:46 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/the-right-person-vs-a-man-whos-secure.86688 https://theredarchive.com/post/86688
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5fhfyf/the_right_person_vs_a_man_whos_secure/