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"The right person" vs. " a man who's secure"

November 29, 2016

I've read a lot of RP theory on how men don't think about marriage or consider where you fit into his life until his career/finances are secure, because the most important aspect of a masculine man is his career and ability to provide.

However, I've also talked to married women in person (some RPW) and many also say "It's not about his career, it's about the right match, when we married we were poor and struggling and now he's progressing financially."

So I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this...I seem to always date men who fall into the first category (absolutely cannot consider marriage before their career) but I've seen successful couples where they've married as students or the husband hadn't peaked in his career yet.

Any thoughts or experiences?

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Post Information
Title "The right person" vs. " a man who's secure"
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 12
Comments 22
Date November 29, 2016 7:46 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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Original Link

[–]SuperSlavisWifeEndorsed Contributor21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

From direct experience and observation: If anything, both are true.


-A woman wants a man whose life has direction, who has end goals, whether it is an own business, a family goal, or a standard career path.

-A woman wants a man who has options. He needs to be able to find work if he loses it, not too proud to seek a little help if he were completely destitute, but proud enough to do ANYTHING to prevent destitution. Even a millionaire could become homeless and penniless. His options matter.

-A woman wants his goals to match up with what she wants from life. As women, we have an easier time finding such matches than men. We're more flexible with what we want and often find satisfaction in support more than in chasing our own ideals. But you still need to agree on the basics and the core values.

Mr Right:

-A woman wants a man whose goals and values match with hers. Bears repeating. You need to agree on where he is headed, where you are headed and how it ties together.

-A woman wants a man she is immensely attracted to and respects. If he hits hard times, or is in hard times, she wants him to be someone she wants to uplift. If he loses work, you will need to work. If he gets injured, you will need to carry him through rehabilitation. If a relative dies, you will need to nurture him. If he starts a business, you will need to enable its success. You can't do that for a man who isn't both sexy and respectable. You would resent it. When he is sexy and respectable, even the hardest work becomes "what must be done" or even a pleasure.

So you need both, but they tie in together. If we pick a man who is right for us, we will work hard to make sure he is stable. But he must be capable of stability. If we pick a man who is stable, then we will find him more respectable. But he must be sexy and compatible as well, to ensure that if stability fails we can work together to bring it back.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Marriage, fundamentally, isn't about where you are in your career. We all have to go through our professional progression, but why can't we do that with somebody we love? Some of the best marriages I know were a young couple who started at the bottom and helped each other achieve greatness.

Personally, I would rather go through that with somebody that has my back. Just haven't found the right one yet.

[–]Willow-girl6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is better to be poor with the right person than to be anything else with the wrong one!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Life is not a Nicholas Sparks book. He doesn't have to have everything figured out, but he does have to have the mindset that leads to it, i.e. emphasis on saving, career stability, and a desire to provide for a family. A lot of those successful marriages, which started from nothing, originated when the average marrying age was younger. If he's 25 years old, there is no reason he shouldn't have the traits I've mentioned above. If he's 22, he's a gamble anyway.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Any thoughts or experiences?

The more he feels like you married him for his money, the more likely your marriage is to fail.

Now you can rationalize from today until tomorrow that you aren't marrying him just for his money. However, if you only date people who's careers have actually materialized, you'd have a harder time convincing him that you aren't just after his money. If you marry someone while their career is still potential, there's no greater proof to reassure him that you'll be by his side in good times and in not such good times.

Now, this doesn't mean you should marry an unemployed loser. Not at all. Working for a living should be a value that's non negotiable. However, the fact remains that if you marry someone who's working but hasn't yet seen the success he strives for, you'll have less to prove. If you're only after him once his career is successful, he'll be more doubtful.

how men don't think about marriage

I have yet to meet a man, young or old, who hasn't thought about marriage. I have met plenty of men who avoid thoughts on marriage.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Here's the thing: I tend not to date men who have their careers settled (I'm not doing it on purpose but the chemistry happens, I'm in love but I find out they're insecure in their career). Which is fine by me, because I'm looking for someone to build a life WITH. I'm looking at their character and intelligence and how they deal with life.

The problem is my boyfriend doesn't feel this way. He's the most intelligent and hardworking man I know and I am proud of being a supportive girlfriend to him, and I've made it clear I would support his career over mind (I have a very unlucrative career). I know I'm a good girlfriend and he's told me I'm amazing. He knows I would like to be have a family but because he's had issues holding down a job he feels insecure and cannot even think about it at this moment. He got fired from his last job, then his current job had problems with his boss so he resigned, but he just got offered a new job with a big company which he's waiting to move to in one month.

Before people start saying "Why are you with a guy who can't hold down a job," well we don't live in USA and the job prospects and economy are more unstable than you think outside of the US. He learned English just so he could move out of his home country and make a better life for himself.

I know in my heart he is a disciplined and hardworking man who learns from his mistakes and tries to solve his problems yet still treats me like gold.

The problem is I think he's been through so much uncertainty in his career that he's just not in the right mindset right now, but I can't tell if it's me or the job issues. I've told him that couples can work together to build a life together and need support from each other but I fear he feels so lost there's not much I can do but let him swim his way.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's completely understandable that your BF can't think about marriage when he's under such pressure and uncertainty in his career. If I were you, I wouldn't broach the subject until his career is more stable.

OTOH, you have a golden opportunity to provide him with your absolute love and commitment to him. If you stick with him now, he is way less likely to feel that you're only in it for his money.

He's going through a down period of time now. Be supportive of him. Shower him with as much love and acceptance as possible. Hold off family talk for better times.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree with you to not talk about it until his career is more stable. But here's where it's more complicated...we met abroad, he resigned his job and had to go back home because he cannot stay in the country without a work visa. And the new job is in a different country that's about 8 hour flight from my current working country (gosh globalization makes romance difficult!!)

So we are long distance for about one month before I go visit him in his home country for Christmas, then he moves to a new country for his new job and then I don't know what happens next. We talked about him going to see how the job is and if it's secure then I'll move there under his salary and freelance.

I'm just afraid of when he moves in January, we'll lose touch. Long distance is difficult. The next time I can take holiday is in April (I'm a teacher). That's 3.5 months before I can see him. It's a long time.

I'm willing to wait for him. I'm just afraid that even if he finds his job secure, there's a chance he still doesn't see me in his life long term.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hear you.

These are pros and cons which you have to weigh yourself and draw conclusions to decide what's the best thing to do.

[–]ckmtpm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is this as much of an issue if it's obvious that you don't need their money?

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What I wrote above isn't set in stone in all cases always. It's more of "this is more likely to happen if you that" kind of thing.

[–]Panasas1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I married at 24 but I had already been established 2 years in a good career with good promotion prospects. I couldn't have imagined myself marrying before establishing that initial solid base.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

How old are you and who are the guys that you're dating?

If you're still quite young or going after guys that are just starting out and not sure what their line of work will be, if they plan on staying in one place, or in a line of work (like a medical resident) that requires near 24/7 attention, then it's understandable if they don't want to tie the knot just yet.

But if the guy is saying he can't get married until he's Executive Vice President or lands on the moon, then it's more likely that he's simply not interested in getting married or trying to avoid hurting your feelings when he blows you off.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think there are a few different factors here. I met my husband fairly young, so naturally it was way before his peak financial years. To be honest, he still hasn't peaked in his career.

His lack of immediate financial success when we met never mattered to me, because I knew everything would work out fine. Here's why I wasn't at all concerned:

  1. He had a plan. He wasn't at the finish line yet, but he also wasn't just flailing around. A guy with zero motivation is very different than a guy who isn't quite there yet, but knows how he wants to get there.

  2. He was never unemployed. When we first met and he was in a very low paying job, but he worked like crazy. If he had to do doubles for three weeks straight, he would. I knew from his work ethic alone (so sexy, btw) that I never had to worry as far as his career was concerned. He had no problem holding down a job or working hard.

  3. He had a lifestyle that suited his income. Having a low income due to age (or changing careers/going back to school/relocating) is way more acceptable to me than a guy who makes an average-decent income but has $20k in credit card debt and doesn't save for the future. I'd have issues with someone seriously in debt, because to me that reflects a character (and possibly intellectual) flaw. I'd have trouble respecting a guy who couldn't even manage his own money, I couldn't be submissive to a guy like that because my trust level would be 0.

All in all we wanted the same kind of future and a similar lifestyle, so marrying before our most ideal financial period wasn't problematic at all. It's pretty special starting at the bottom together and supporting each other's successes and progress, but that only works if you're on the same page.

[–]CptButtertits 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

My wife and I(together for 5 years in March) got married when I was a student and she was fresh from being back in United States.

When we got married we didn't have a metaphorical pot to piss in. But she always used a phrase that her Aunt told her about men.


I like to think that she treated me like a stock. She did her research saw the opportunity for growth and that I exhibited great potential as a mate and a provider and pulled the trigger. I did the same although I would have preferred to have all my ducks in a row.

But life doesn't care about your plans. The struggle brings you together and if she had my back then as long as I remain a strong Captain she will always be my First Mate.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

LOL, that's a great story. :-)

[–]Mentathiel0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you can afford basic necessities of living together, this comes down to how much he trusts you and how much pressure your culture or you put on him to have children soon after marriage. Or an expensive ceremony, for that matter.

It's important to note that you should vet for someone with prospects, as people with no prospects are (generally) maladapted, not being able to integrate into society properly and find their place within it. But having future prospects and working towards them and being hard working and determined and being on the poorer side because of that isn't the same as just having no aspirations and blaming others for your problems.

But that aside, it's the best if you find both in one man, but I'd always go for one who isn't as secure, but is "the right one." And you'll have to make him realize that you're someone determined to grow and help him grow and not hinder him or leech on him or leave him in the time of need.

[–]rainyweathergirl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ideally you want a combination of both. A relationship won't work with a man unless you find him physically attractive.

[–]Othello3140 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Career reflects the man. If he's a mess, chances are it's for a personality or willpower- related reason. Don't distract him by letting the relationship continue. Let him pursue his dreams and goals without sapping his ambition.

This from a woman who married a nothing and got lucky with a successful guy. If we had met 3 years later, it would have saved 5 years of a miserable marriage. Net: gain 2 years of good marriage.

[–]ModernClassicLady-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think that usually guys that say they can't get married due to their career are using it as an excuse (exceptions for young students and the unemployed). Men generally see in increase in their earnings and career success after getting married (unlike women), so for a man to not get married due to his career is counterintuitive.

[–]801735-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What do you bring into the relationship?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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