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Things to have together before dating for a RP woman

May 23, 2020
  • Fitness, health, sense of style/dressing

  • Emotional wellness (past traumas dealt with, receiving/surrendered mindset, feeling positive, methods in place for dealing with hamstering)

  • Having found purpose/sense of meaning (could be education, checking off a goal you’ve wanted to fulfil, volunteering, community)

  • Communication skills (good listening skills, body language, articulation, being well-read in areas of interests)

  • Decent support system (feminine mindset friends, close relationships with friends and/or family members). Be kind to everyone, especially other women.

  • Finances (the ability to support oneself, clearing of debt or plan in place to clear debt)

  • 1 or 2 Hobbies (for yourself, not for a guy)

  • Basic cooking and domestic skills. Maybe know how to cook around 10 solid dishes well

  • Vetting - knowing how to vet a guy. Identifying prior toxic patterns in your relationships if necessary and recalibrating your picker.

  • Confidence - Writing down and setting personal boundaries/dealbreakers and trusting yourself and gut to follow through. Be willing to walk away when disrespected.

  • Availability - Making room for a new man in your life by sending right signals. This includes clearing out/limiting interactions with exes, orbiters, and politely declining invitations from pursuers you’re not interested in instead of leading them on. Getting rid of behavior where you hide that you want a relationship. Dating incompatible men in effort to change them.

  • Assertiveness - Understanding that RP submission is not equivalent to being a doormat and should be given gradually, according to how the man responds. Understanding “feeling bad” or having a meal bought for you or excusing a man’s disrespectful behavior as “he’s just a RP man” is not good reason to have sex with him. If you feel pressured to do anything, it’s a red flag, no matter how much chemistry you feel. The only good reason to have sex is when you have commitment (not just the status, but commitment preferably through time) and when you feel ready.

  • Sensuality - Being in touch with your own body, loving your own body and feeling sexy. Knowing what makes you feel good. Especially so if you’re a conservative woman so you don’t end up starfishing when you meet Prince Charming. Treating yourself to spas, luxurious body scrubs, bath and wine, and whatever makes you feel sexy.

  • Resillience - “hope for the best, expect the worst” mindset. Accept that there are still risks at the end of the day and that you can do everything right, but still have things not work out.

Edit: I wrote this list not to say “don’t date because [insinuating] you are not good enough” but more of this list is to say “this is the best position a RP woman can be in to empower herself in a feminine way and attract someone of higher value.” Also, this list is taken from reading this forum inside out and putting it together.

When you don’t have your shit together, you’re more likely to be desperate and put up with abusive relationships or fall for men who disrespect you/lie to you/use you as a plate but tell you otherwise.

Having your shit together is most importantly, FOR YOU. It’s to love yourself. IMO that’s what RPW are. We strive to be of value and know our value. We respect ourselves and are not automatically entitled to the universe without putting in the work. We put in the work and strive to be the best women possible, single or no. Obviously we have flaws, trauma, baggage, but we deal with them and make as little excuses as possible. If we have a captain, we know ourselves well enough to ask for help. There’s no such thing as perfection.

— If I’m missing anything from the list, do let me know.

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Post Information
Title Things to have together before dating for a RP woman
Author TranslatedSky
Upvotes 148
Comments 49
Date May 23, 2020 6:30 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

Emotional wellness (past traumas dealt with, receiving/surrendered mindset, feeling positive, methods in place for dealing with hamstering)

What if I never get there? This is a serious question. I can cook and clean, and my career and finances are in great shape, but I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and binge eating almost my entire life, and I've never really dated because of it. I'm 30 years old now, and doing only slightly better than I was 10 years ago despite a lot of effort and work on myself.

Should I avoid dating forever?

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars53 points54 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You need to at least be able to effectively manage your illness through healthy, strong coping mechanisms (and remain in therapy and on medication) before you have a partner in your life.

The analogy I make is this: If you were paralyzed and couldn’t walk, you might need to occasionally ask your partner for help, like getting up the stairs of a friend’s home. It wouldn’t be acceptable to ask a partner to carry you everywhere because you refuse to use a wheelchair.

It’s similar with mental illness. Obviously a partner should be willing and able to provide you with the extra support you might need and be understanding of your limitations... just don’t expect them to shoulder the full weight of your emotional burdens.

[–]dashdotdott10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That is a wonderful analogy!

[–]ihavenopeopleskills12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Absolutely not. Find a competent counselor or therapist who can assess your situation and give you tools to work through these issues.

We're all a little more FUBAR in the head than we'd like to admit.

[–]MoonagePretender30 points31 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

No. It's very difficult to get over past traumas sometimes and I think it's a lot to ask of someone. If the person is right for you then they'll accept who you are and help you to overcome them

[–]ihavenopeopleskills20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Everybody has issues. The deciding factor is whether or not said issues are addressed and, within reason, controlled.

[–]Iscarpia879 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My thing with traumas and mental health problems is simple. I don’t expect anyone to fix them or carry them for me. At the very least, I just want them to make an effort to understand them and how they’ve affected me. That’s it. I already see a therapist, and no one is responsible for working through them except for me. They should also never be used as an excuse for treating your partner poorly.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]MoonagePretender0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree that issues should be worked on. You make a good point. It's just at the same time, it's a lot to ask of someone to be completely sorted out and the partner should be someone who encourages them in improving themselves, rather than always expecting perfection.

[–]Cultivate_a_Rose5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Like most of RP, it is a toolbox not a checklist. I'd likely consider someone with like 80%+ of this stuff under control to be going very well. Everyone has their stuff. I know I can be an emotional basketcase sometimes, and I just try to deal with it like a mature adult. And honestly, it would be hard to muster respect for a man who couldn't handle me and point me straight again every once in awhile when I get very overwhelmed.

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well I’m not there yet either but working towards it. I’ve also struggled with anxiety and depression but made significant progress over the years. Now I am dealing with residue trauma on top of depression so I understand how hard it can be.

Generally I wrote the list not to say “don’t date if you’re not these things” but more of “this is the best place we can be in as single women, before dating”. To feel empowered and to believe in yourself. It’s great your finances are solid because mine aren’t, and I’m not a very good cook. We all struggle with different things on the list, but one of the goals of a RP woman whether single, dating or married is to be the best possible version of herself.

So not saying you can’t date before these things. But you and I both know that with trauma, we are at an disadvantage when dating and perhaps need to lower our expectations. Or worse, we think even less of ourselves so we put up with abusive men.

So I focus really hard to resolve my traumas, but I will most likely start dating again when I feel like I’m in a good place again. Good about myself. For me, feeling good about myself is having my shit together - most of the things on this list. You can craft a list that’s enough for yourself. For you another way to look at it could be that you have your shit together everywhere else, you only have trauma left to work on.

[–]lemonfluff1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm assuming you have, but have you tried therapy? As long as you are working on helping yourself please don't avoid dating because of mental health issues. It may need to be something you want to be upfront about but a good partner will support you in that and may actually help you manage the conditions.

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You have to accept that self destructive behavior, and lack of progress will disqualify you from a lot of high value men. But you can date.

[–]blaqrushin21 points22 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, it’s a great list... but not realistic. How many times in your dating life will you have all these things going for you and be able to find a man? Not very likely. Instead of having achieved all those things I would probably focus on working towards them. Sometimes it takes people’s whole lives to figure this stuff out. Doesn’t mean you can’t foster a relationship with a rpm before that. And just because you haven’t gotten through your past traumas or cleared student loan debt doesn’t mean you can’t get into a relationship. Maybe make it clear to the person you’re dating what you’re working on and how you’ll try and fix it ....

[–]daffodil-13-7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel like a lot of these goals are just as applicable when you have a relationship as they are if you’re looking for one.

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I rewrote it with a disclaimer at the end. You’re right that some of the things on the list are less important than others and can be worked on in a relationship.

I agree with girlwithabike that the level of baggage you have means you’re more likely to attract someone with similar baggage. That has been my experience as well. You are who you attract.

You don’t have to clear all your trauma obviously, just reach a level where you have a method to control it more than it controls you.

[–]goldensurrender1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree this is not realistic. This is a lovely list to always be striving for, and to remind oneself that having all these areas locked down is often a lifetimes work. I have a fair amount of this list mastered, and it's taken work, but something I've decided not to beat myself up over is the fact that I wouldn't really be able to financially support myself on my own, and I'm okay with that. So is my husband. I'm primarily a homemaker and it is my career. It adds immense value to my life and to the life of others. It has been a part of me truly owning my worth and my strengths to surrender the idea of me being the type of person who can fully financially support a healthy and thriving life on my own. I've given that struggle of shame over to God and I'm a better person for it.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

A lot of this is basic stuff that you should be well on track to figuring out for yourself in early adulthood. Further, the more of your own life you have together, the more you can expect a man who has his own life together. Otherwise, you will be looking for men whose baggage matches your own. Instead clear out as much baggage as possible and seek someone who has done the same.

Gently, your post history indicates that you are not in a good mental state these days. Perhaps this list seems unrealistic because you arent in a good place yourself.

[–]blaqrushin10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have a rp fiancé. Found him years ago. Unfortunately this list is unrealistic because the chances of you checking all of these off in your adulthood and finding someone before you’re 30 isn’t exactly easy...

I lost someone yesterday and my mental health has been bad during quarantine - not sure why I am being judged on that? Doesn’t mean I am not working towards these basics, or haven’t worked towards them before in my earlier life. Life is not linear - that’s why I think this post is an unrealistic expectation, that you can only date when you are 100%.

However I do really like the last bit about a positive mindset. That is achievable when these other goals may be far off into the future.

And to be honest. I’m glad I exposed my fiancé early on to my vulnerabilities. Showed me his strength and how much of a good man he would be to me.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm not trying to attack you. I don't think that having a handle on all these things is unreasonable so I was curious about a person who disagreed. When my immediate world feels chaotic, anything extra seems insurmountable. I don't think it's a stretch to say that your present mood may color your views.

It reads as daunting but having a solid start on some and having others under control seems to me a reasonable goal for a young person. I think we 'allow' too much leeway to float through your 20s without any goals.

We are human and will always have vulnerabilities to show our partner. However, I maintain that you will be able to demand more in the market place if you have more of your own life together.

[–]blaqrushin2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Respectfully, I think it was rather callous to mention my post history and to try to draw implications from it. It is nowhere near an accurate reflection of my life, as I’m sure yours isn’t either. There’s not a lot of people I can talk to about rough moments other than my fiancé and my sister. Sometimes reddit is a journal for me.

Disagreeing with this post is just entirely my opinion. I agree with it, in a perfect world we would all have these things checked off before we start dating. Some of this list isn’t just applicable to rpw but also everyone, right? I’m sure every single person would want these things checked off, regardless of dating or not.

However my point is, again, life isn’t a straight track. Some of these are lifetime goals, and require constant upkeep and maintenance. My concern is, focusing too much on yourself and bettering yourself is a long task, and by the time you get there, you may not be at the child bearing age.

When I met my fiancé, I was at 50%. My dad just passed. I was in horrible financial shape and I was extremely depressed, 10 pounds heavier, etc. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone as amazing as him. Actually, it was the longest time I had been single. Even though I wasn’t at 100% when I met him, I was definitely working towards it. These were goals I have always strived for. Things come up, and take me down a few notches, but I am always working towards it.

And while I complete agree - a woman who is completely independent, practicing these philosophies will be more in demand, I don’t agree that a woman should accept those limitations, which will incapacitate her dating life.

So to summarize, always work to better yourself, but don’t be completely involved with the idea of being perfect before meeting someone, because you will most likely never have everything under control. C’est la vie.

[–]Draculas_Wife0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I very much agree!

[–]LanaTownsend3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well-thought out list. I enjoyed reading it and will save this to glance at every now and again. Thank you 😊

[–]ilovemerlin2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not that I’m an expert. I got married young and wasn’t any of those things (or at least not most of them). I’m very thankful I chose a very good man though. We grew up together honestly. We both help each other grow and heal from past issues. I do like your list though. Things might have been much easier if I did those things first!

[–]Iluvalmonds832 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great list. I take this as a list of things you need to be working on as part of your self improvement before you jump right into dating and finding a partner. Goes without saying We’re not going to be masters in every aspect of the list and shouldn’t expect to be before dipping our toes into relationship searching,but should be cognizant of these goal posts and have a baseline in each nonetheless

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think that this is a very good list, but I also think that a lot of these items are going to be works-in-progress throughout your life.

Items like "resilience," or even "confidence," for example, can't just be achieved and checked off; they need constant attention. I'd say the same goes for "sense of purpose."

I'm guessing that's why some people are pushing back against the list. But probably OP just means that we should have a solid foundation in all these areas before we get into a relationship.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think the list and your defense of it are both excellent. 1 star from me. Good Luck in your nun mode journey :-)

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh wow, thanks! I stumbled onto here two years ago and never thought it’d alter my approach to life so much.

[–]quirkypinkllama1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is exactly why I’m not dating as yet. I’m just not ready. I’d rather wait and get married older (at around 25) than put myself in a situation where I have a husband and children but I’m depressed and that will strain my entire marriage and compromise my children’s well-being.

[–]UnDefinedLegacy1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I remember there being a blog post that broke down the superficial beauty stuff men pay attention to into a pie graph. Anyone with a link to that?

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There you go. Most controllable + important are weight, hair, makeup, fit of clothes and teeth. Don’t forget to neglect RMV, SMV without RMV is nothing.

[–]henryfw1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

From a guy in mid-30s: #2 on that list seems the most challenging. I didn’t even know I had issues until after 30. I find women who are working on #2 in early/mid 20s incredible. I would recommend the book “How to be an Adult in Relationships”. I think it’s more important to be on the path of growth and to find someone else also growth oriented than to wait until things are perfect.

[–]Animalcrossing4eva4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So basically never is what you’re saying. This is really bad advice. You should work on these things WHILE dating, but do not think you need to have the perfect life BEFORE dating. Men can do that because they have time. Women have limited fertility and you better off getting a man as young as you can. There will be plenty of time to improve yourself while married.

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I added a disclaimer at the end to explain. This is all advice pulled from the entirety of the forum. The basis is that the more you work on yourself, the higher value partner you’ll attract. It’s true women have limited fertility and time is constantly ticking, hence the importance to start getting your shit together while young.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

RPW is not for men's questions. Try the men's subs.

[–]theawaregirl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't really agree with this. Some of these take a lifetime for somebody to truly master, and anyone who reads this and interprets it literally is going to throw away what is possibly the most important factor in SMV... youth.

Good points, but it needs to be noted that this list is of things to work on, not to master, and that nobody has all their shit together right off the bat. Aiming for perfection leads to nothing getting done at all.

[–]pockettpanda0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just got out of a relationship and was getting overwhelmed thinking of where I need to be and what I need to improve on before getting into another serious relationship. Thanks for sharing!!

[–]organicsunshine0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is not how I define confidence

  • Confidence - Writing down and setting personal boundaries/dealbreakers and trusting yourself and gut to follow through. Be willing to walk away when disrespected.

This sounds very personal to OP. For me confidence is trusting your gut in the situation over drawing hard lines that you deem cannot be crossed. New relationships/people present challenges you never see coming.

Some times a little disrespect can lead to self reflection and a correction of ways. Often we women get so focused on ourselves and our feelings we forget how we affect those around us until the bubble is burst. There is a difference between a reality check and breaking someone down, I get that. But understand that often harsh truths are mistaken as disrespect.

Those truths take bravery to speak and I am thankful for them.

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Having boundaries is how a woman protects herself. Dealbreakers is how you know what you will not stand for or what is incompatible with your values (e.g. he regularly goes to the clubs) as opposed to looking out for a list of criteria a man has to have in order to date them.

Boundaries being disrespected is not the same thing as not being adaptable. If you set a boundary (“no, I prefer to know someone better before having sex”, “no, I need to be more comfortable before coming to your place”) and if a guy breaks that especially early on, it’s a red flag. It takes confidence in yourself and referring back to boundaries to be able to walk away especially if the man is alpha and gives the tingles. Which is why you see tons of posts here about “he’s soooo XXX just amazing, but he did YYY, should I leave? Is this a red flag?” When you decide to up and leave is trusting your gut based on boundaries set, especially so in emotionally charged situations. A lot of times as a woman we do have gut instinct, we just can’t follow through because we are already invested.

Conversely if a woman doesn’t have the confidence to follow through with boundaries, then the guy also writes her off as not being someone to take seriously and keeps pushing. Without boundaries altogether, then the floor is open for women to “rationalize” any behavior away from “he keeps insisting I’m lying about my ncount even though I’ve been reassuring him” to “he wants to go on a 3 month camping trip with his childhood female friend without further explanation” — both examples on the forum.

[–]organicsunshine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good points and I do not disagree. My warning to young women is that they are a chameleon to what attracts them, logic aside. Do not lose too much of yourselves in finding others. Boundaries are rarely black and white.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]TranslatedSky1 Star[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Search the forum, you’d find plenty more qualified tips :) you should especially find a great post in the sidebar.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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