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Too soft a place to land

October 12, 2016

Has any ladies out there become so good at being a soft place to land that your boyfriend/husband has stopped taking you out because he's so eager to come home to you?

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost nine months now, and the first few months he took me out to dinner 1-3x/week and occasionally out to meet his friends.

The past month he's been eager in coming to my apartment to eat a home cooked meal and occasionally a massage/blowjob about 2-3x/week. Which I love doing for him, don't get me wrong.

However, I'm starting to have transactional thinking - he works 60 hours a week which is why I invite him to my apartment so often to relax, but he also tells me sometimes he's up late (like 3am) or going out with his guy friends (and smoking cigarettes, which I don't do and he knows I disapprove of it) when he's not spending time with me. So now I'm wondering why he chooses to go smoke with his buddies instead of offering to take me out to dinner especially since I feel like lately I've given him a lot on my end. For over one month he hasn't taken me out once.

So - is it appropriate to have transactional thoughts in my situation (especially him as a boyfriend not a husband) or should I just STFU/CTFO? We're slowly getting serious (have discussed meeting my parents and taking a trip together, just waiting for days off).

To give him credit he did mention taking me out to a fancy Japanese restaurant when he gets his next salary and lately he's been struggling with career dilemmas/life choices in which I've been supportive of. So I understand he's going through a rough patch which is why he might be smoking (he's not a regular smoker, he's a stress smoker).

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Post Information
Title Too soft a place to land
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 12
Comments 14
Date October 12, 2016 5:13 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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Original Link

[–]gunfetti 16 points16 points [recovered] | Copy Link

If he's having financial issues/a rough patch right now he might be choosing to go smoke with his buddies late into the night because it's cheaper than taking you out to dinner, and stressing that he prefers nights at home with you because he's feeling embarrassed he can't afford to do 1-3x weekly dinners out.

If not that, maybe he feels like staying in more is what happens when a relationship gets more serious. It might be a positive in his eyes, like, we're getting so much closer that our ratio of "official dates" vs "quiet time together" is switching. Just communicate with him. Tell him you miss spending time with him and his friends, or tell him you'd really like to try ___ restaurant.

Don't look at it as you deserving to be taken out because you have done X and Y so well for him lately. Cook him good food and give backrubs because you want to see him happy, and don't set up a covert contract in your head where you're waiting to be paid back. Then express that you miss interacting with him in an official date setting. A good man will then also try and make you happy.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I've noticed we're becoming more casual with each other instead of formal and polite so that's a good thing. Especially since home should be a safe haven for him, it's understandable to see him the his guard down.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

First off, you have accomplished your goal of being a soft place and having him feel comfortable enough to let his guard down. That's great! Don't ruin it by keeping score. Instead tell him what you want! That's Surrendered Wife 101. Say "I'd really like to go out on a date with you somewhere," and let him do the rest. He may just assume that you're as satisfied staying home all the time the way he is. Bring him your problem.

[–]kekerae 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

I immediately thought of the book too. I was going to say put the ball in his court by saying, "I'd love to go out for supper soon!" and then letting him choose a time that works with payday/work, etc.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great minds! 😀

[–]4Sken5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A dude might just think "Ok, spent time with buddies, spent time with girl, worked, took out the trash, got a blow, booyah. Time to go to bed"

All without worrying about taking you out because he already spent time with you, not thinking about what kind of time or where because to some guys, a mark of a serious relationship is not going on dates anymore. But they probably wouldn't mind going on dates anyways if you asked.

If you bring up you'd like to go out for lunch somewhere nice, I don't doubt he'd be more than fine with it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're right, I don't think he's thinking too carefully about what we do together as long as he's able to spend time with me. I also just haven't asked him to take me out...he did mention that the other day ("just ask").

[–]AriD23854 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, it sounds as if he's not actively courting you. You've crowned him king without first ensuring that he would treat you as his queen. It's not transactional thinking to ask why he doesn't do more with you because he isn't your husband. Don't put boyfriend/husband in the same category because they are not at all the same.

I think that you ought to be questioning what you are receiving from this relationship and whether it is leading toward where you want it to go. Focusing on fulfilling his needs without also ensuring that he is devoted to you tends to work against women in relationships.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am an occasional culprit of this same line of thought in similar situations. But of course I'm an RPW so I try to employ STFU/CTFO. Unfortunately, things don't always work out in my timeline that I made up in my head. As far as he knows, nothing is off because I haven't said anything.

Just as gunfetti said, mention wanting an official date. If he doesn't quite catch, plan a date, pay for it and have him come out. Let him see you in charge of your happiness because you are :D

I have, in one instance, asked him to plan a surprise date for us. IIRC, we had to cancel two dates in a row due to circumstances out of his control. I wasn't demanding it. He apologized, I asked him to make it up with a surprise date and winked. We got caught indecent in the woods by a ranger during the date. Good luck! Don't stay in your head too much. I think that's what I call hamstering. Life is a beautiful thing and even more with someone to call your own, don't forget the big picture and amuse yourself.

[–]nonnimoose2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Looks to me he's doing the male version of what TRP says women do to beta males. Isn't the male complaint that women will put out like porn stars until the ring goes on and then the sex dries up? Your boyfriend courted you into a nice little spot for himself, you take care of him when he's in the mood for you and the rest of the time he's living exactly the life he wants without considering your needs. Which is fine, you're not married.

I'm sorry, but I don't see the difference between what you're doing and what a plate does. My advice is to stop being his soft place to land. That's a wife's role and you are not married. Why are you slowly getting serious with this guy, what's in it for you?

As for the smoking: nicotine is highly addictive. A person can start off being a stress smoker and just become a regular smoker. If it's a deal breaker for you, move on. There are a lot of guys out there that are successful and manage stress without smoking. You are making a lot of excuses for this guy when instead you could be working on self-improvement. Self-improvement will lead to to higher self esteem will lead to understanding you can do better than this guy.

[–]rainyweathergirl 2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link

If hes working 60 hours a week then he really doesn't have a lot of time off to relax. It's probably the case that he's so busy and tired with work he wants to come home to you and relax. He cant really do that when he wants to go and see his friends. Where I am from the maximum work week they are allowed to ask you do to do is about 48 hours but people can choose to do overtime of they want. 60 hours is a lot and must be exhausting.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I 100% agree! However, some of my best memories come from times when I was too tired to do fun stuff but did anyway. It is always a fresh breath of air and rejuvenates me to break out of the norm. Then I can work harder, longer with a fresh mind. Sometimes it is our job as good girlfriends/wives to recognize these circumstances and keep them from being a "phase" in the relationship. Of course, men in our lives are different and sensitive to these things in varying degrees. So this has to be done artfully and without expectations, lest it comes across as something negative. A good jolt of adrenaline is a thing of efficiency to kill humdrum

[–]dunamis_energeia[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My boyfriend prefers to spend time inside rather then outside, when with me. We do sometimes eat out with friends, but most of the times he does it alone because it is his group of friends and I don't enjoy going out late as much plus I do feel he needs his privacy and time with them.
Last summer I struggled with the same issue as you, I couldn't remember the last time he invited me out to dinner without anyone else. So I told him that and he agreed to find someplace we never went to and dinner there. It hasn't happened yet, but it will soon, so I'm glad I told him about it, not like in an accusatory way, but more subtle and graciously.

[–]Moobx0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

i am new here, but is there a reason u cant take him out if he isnt taking u out?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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