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Vetted, Committed, but wants to see other people.

May 28, 2020
121 upvotes

Hello everyone,

I appreciate your advice in advance. I feel foolish to be so brokenhearted but alas here we are. I have been dating a man for a little over three months. Being new to this lifestyle and feeling quite empowered by everything I've learned from this forum, I hung back, observed him and his character, and watched as he lay the tracks towards relationship-ville. He called every day, made plans for dates. Showed acts of service, gave me a bike, helped my roommate move her belongings in, made dinners, brought hommade soup when I wasn't feeling well, introduced me to his friends, took me on a little mini getaway, shared his hopes and dreams and vulnerabilities...

All unprompted.

From all of this I gathered we were heading in a really wonderful direction. I had made it known on our second date that I believe in marriage and children and so he knew that from the start. Last we spent time together we went for a beautiful bike ride by the beach (all of these are his ideas) and then while back at home I could tell he was anxious. He then revealed that he would like to be "Ethically non monogamous" and that he still has feelings for his ex (They broke up last summer and from what he told me she was cold, unkind, and unloving towards him)

In the same breath, he said that he loves me, is interested in going deeper with me but would like to see other people. I am compassionate enough to understand that we all have our own personal journeys towards happiness but I felt completely blindsided. When I mentioned that if he would like to date other people then I will be his friend but will no longer be able to be his partner because I believe in monogamy and, quite frankly, you can't have your cake and eat it too. He seem dumbfounded and insisted that we have such a good relationship and that he doesn't want to lose me and wants to go deeper with me and continue the way things are. Now I feel like the bad guy for being "Unreasonable" Am I out of line to feel this is preposterous?

I refuse to vie for his attention and sent him a message today saying that I am thankful for the time we spent together and I wished him well on his journey for love and happiness. I don't plan on dating him. Old me would try to make it work but I have too much love for himself now and know better but I am truly hurt. He was so warm and comforting, so loving, and such a big part of my life. Because of quarantine we became so close. Was this the right thing to do? How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

Big love to you all.

EDIT: Thank you thank you THANK YOU everyone for your words of encouragement.💕 A little of the old me was worried I was being irrational (funny how the world conditions us to always feel like we are the problem) and it's so validating to have this community of wonderful women telling me that I did the right thing. Thank you all!

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Post Information
Title Vetted, Committed, but wants to see other people.
Author dottiejeann
Upvotes 121
Comments 73
Date May 28, 2020 2:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/vetted-committed-but-wants-to-see-other-people.669624
https://theredarchive.com/post/669624
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/grxokv/vetted_committed_but_wants_to_see_other_people/
Red Pill terms in post
Comments

[–]amadexodus149 points150 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

No, you made the right call. You value monogamy, but he doesn't. If you're dating for marriage, and you can't agree on that part of commitment, then that's a recipe for disaster. Frankly, I think it's awesome that you figured this out after only 3 months -- it could've been worse!

To prevent this from happening in the future, ask the right questions earlier on.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 39 points40 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I will certainly be asking about monogamy early on. I felt that my saying that I believe in marriage and want marriage and children, on the second date, was enough but now I know I need to specifically ask. Oh dating! What fun! haha.

[–]amadexodus11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For the record, whether or not you need to ask that question depends on what circles you're dating in. I live in the Midwest now, and my boyfriend and I are both religious. I never sat him down once we started dating and said, "How do you feel about monogamy?" I figured it out through talking about other values and ideas with him when we were just friends (for example, he and I both had a lot of the same criticisms of the sexual revolution in the 60s, we're both anti-porn, etc.). So I knew going in that we would be dating in a committed, monogamous context.

Back when I was living in a city on the East Coast, I was involved with a divorced man who was 10 years older than me. When things between him and his ex started to go bad, they opened the marriage at his insistence, and he began sleeping with a friend of mine who was my age. To make things even more complicated, he had kids at the time, and this friend was actually introduced to them. Later on when we were seeing each other, he explicitly expressed interest in non-monogamy, and was going on "not dates" with this friend of mine behind my back on the nights when he supposedly had custody of his kids (and therefore was not available). I would've dumped him within a month if I was asking the right questions, but I didn't and stuck around for 7 months.

[–]RinoaRita4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Non monogamous woman in a marriage with baby #1 with plans for 2 in a year or two. We know we are the minority and when we date we state that pretty much upfront to be ethical about it.

If he knew and kept that from you and hoped to spring it on you, the poly community would agree he’s an ass. Yes, I know “technically” monogamy isn’t the default but unless he discovered that he wants non monogamy while with you, he’s a jerk.

[–]kneesofthetrees0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s heartening to know that laying clear intentions from the outset of a relationship is the norm in the poly community. I am sure that this has prevented a lot of people — both monogamous and polyamorous — from getting hurt. Thanks for sharing that.

[–]victorinevien1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All this!

[–]Knnchwa132 points33 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are inviting the next man into your life. I know it sounds woo-woo but you are sending a strong message to something, whether that’s the universe, your subconscious, or the subconscious of a man you encounter. You will reap what you sow and what you are sowing is beautiful.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I believe in this.💕 Not woo at all. Thank you! I know what I want now and I am so glad this only lasted 3 months.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. This is very encouraging. 💕I'm also glad he was open about what he wanted. Everyone is entitled to what makes them happy (within reason) and so I don't judge him, it's just not for me. Lesson learned.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Love to you! Thank you so much!

[–][deleted]  (6 children) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 31 points32 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I believe in the old fashioned way. I assumed we were monogamous after he said he didn't want me to date other people. I've now learned never ever ever to assume. I felt so safe in this relationship and like the rug was pulled out from under me. I don't want to be jaded moving forward but I will certainly take a lot more time to get to know someone.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Crazymaking isn't it? Thank you so much! I will stay optimistic and hopeful.

[–]BlueBubbleGame10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Wait. He asked you to stop dating other people knowing that he wasn’t monogamous? How is that ethical non-monogamy?

[–]dottiejeann[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He was, or so he says, monogamous with me while we were together but on our last, and final, date he told me that he wanted to become ethically non-monogamous while diving deeper into our relationship because he “loves” me. So confusing.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What a sleazebag. When he inevitably makes overtures at you, backpedaling because he didn’t expect you to have a spine and thought you would accept his terms, please don’t listen to him!!!!

[–]ATrueLady8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wish more women would behave like your did when it comes to situations like these. Cheers for being true to yourself and not settling for a person who doesn’t share your value system when it comes to sex.

[–]SilkCyborg19 points20 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

He finally showed his true colors. You did the right thing. Don’t play the pick me game. It’s not about “preventing this in the future.” It’s about finding out whether the guy is high value or not. You found your answer.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He finally showed his true colors. You did the right thing. Don’t play the pick me game. It’s not about “preventing this in the future.” It’s about finding out whether the guy is high value or not. You found your answer.

Thank you. It's hard not to play the pick me game, but I have grown a lot and have this community to thank. The insecure part of me, and my ego, wants to prove that I'm the one for him but I refuse to do that. I deserve better. xoxo

[–]dontlisten657 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He seemed high value before they had the monogamy talk.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He really did.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I find it strange that he has nothing but awful things to say about his ex and yet, and you're right a year later, he still has "feelings for her"

Curious indeed. Not my problem anymore

[–]rplisalou3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

When I was dating, I noticed a pattern -- the men I knew who complained a lot about their exes usually ended up getting back together with them. I decided that complaining a lot about an ex meant there were still unresolved feelings there and started considering it a red flag for dating. It also doesn't really reflect well on a man's judgement if he stayed long-term with someone who was that bad, right? Now that I'm an old married lady, my relationship advice is to look for a man who doesn't dwell on past relationships and who neither idealizes nor disparages their exes. You want someone who can appreciate the positive aspects and things they learned in a past relationship but who is glad to have moved on!

[–]dottiejeann[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you this is wonderful advice. Noted and taken to heart! 💕🥰

[–]HappilyMrs5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

100% no. Having briefly opened up our 20 year marriage, I would happily get divorced before doing that again.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh boy, that sounds it must have been a lot. Big hugs. Thank you! 💕

[–]Kaisern2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You did everything right, you’re dating right and just keep at it for bit and you’ll find the right guy

[–]pickles-n-noodles2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You did the right thing, and I’m so happy you stood by it.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you 💕

[–]Shiningsilvergold2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes, the way you handled yourself was with grace and dignity. It actually probably has made you much more attractive in his eyes (although it's too late!) because it shows how you stand for your values and aren't easily swayed to change them for the benefit of someone else.

I am sorry you are hurt - I hope some of this encouragement in this thread helps with the pain. It does sound like you vetted him well, so please don't blame yourself.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. This thread has helped tremendously. The pain will go away. I won’t blame myself (though it’s tempting sometimes) and have hope for the future. Thank you for your kind words 💕💕

[–]RinoaRita2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If he wanted an ethically non monogamous relationship he really should have stated that from the start.

It’s impossible to know but if he knew ahead of time and he was hoping to get you attached and pressure you into it then he’s an asshole. If he started thinking about a serious commitment with you and realized the only way he could commit at the marriage and kids level is in an ethically non-monogamous relationship then he’s not at fault and it’s sucks that sometimes people aren’t as compatible in some key non-negotiable areas, even if they are compatible in so many other.

This is as big a deal breaker as kids. There’s no compromise and no one is the bad guy unless he mislead you like stated above. I say this as a woman in an ethically non-monogamous marriage with a sleeping baby on my chest. These two big things, non-monogram and kids were discussed at the beginning of our relationship before we decided to invest in it.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! That’s the thing, I don’t blame him at all for wanting an ethically non monogamous relationship, I have friends in very wonderful marriages with that as their lifestyle choice. What hurts is that he told me after three months. I laid down my wants and needs on the second date (marriage and kids) and he could have (even if he wasn’t 100 percent sure about it) mentioned to me then or soon after that it was something he’d like to explore. Oh well. Love to you and sleeping baby! So happy you’ve found your love 💕

[–]peculiarmiss0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m also ENM with a baby currently sleeping on my chest! I just wanted to second that if he knew he wanted any form of non-monogamy from the start, then he’s a huge ass. That is a first date or earlier disclosure. Anything less is unethical.

If he realized that was something he wanted to explore after the two of you were already committed, then it’s just an unfortunate deal breaker. I think you handled yourself very well and have nothing at all to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.

[–]RinoaRita0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Aww. How many months? Ours is 6, almost 7. He is like 20lbs.

[–]peculiarmiss0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow, ours too! She’s 6mo and like 19 lb. She’s been in the 96th percentile for length and height since birth

[–]BigBoiBahmani1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good for you

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That guy can eat a dick lmao. Good for you.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

In feb we met online and were dating other people (I was going on many first dates) he then made mention that he didn't like the idea of me going on other dates so we then decided to date exclusively end of feb. Again, all prompted by him. This is also why i'm so confused by him now wanting to date other people. It seems like he's self sabotaging but I wont stop him. If that's where his mind is then that's where his mind is. It's just frustrating.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I'm glad too. As Dr. Maya Angelou said "When you know better, do better" xoxo

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! To be honest it's all from what I've learned on this thread. My girlfriends would probably have given me the advice to keep trying with him. I bet you would have the guts but I pray you never have to :)

[–]ShootingDanks1 Star0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

How wonderful that you were able to stand up for yourself and stick to your boundaries after what sounds like some significant love bombing!

Another lesson learnt.

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

Look out for that "too wonderful" behaviour. It's often a predatory or abusive sign, grooming you, so that he can get away with bad behaviour later and then make you feel guilty for questioning such a wonderful man!

I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect some of those things during the first three months, I'm saying view such behaviour with clarity. Is he doing it sincerely, or is he trying to set you up for manipulation later? He'll show his true colours soon enough, so just wait it out, without getting overly invested if you see this again.

Good luck!

[–]chickenpants800 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

ABSOLUTELY the right move on your part. You're showing that you know your worth, and won't degrade yourself for him. That put your value up in his world. I had an ex in high school who broke up with me because he wanted to explore his attraction to men. He grandly declared he might be back, like I should wait for him. I said good luck, hope you find your person. He came back a couple months later and declared it was a big mistake, I was the love of his life and we were destined to be together. I told him I was no longer available. He was shocked that I hadn't waited for him like a pining fairy tale maiden. We spoke randomly a few months later and he said that his respect for me went way up that day.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is so beautiful to read. Good for you! 💕💕 I was falling head over heels for this man and he seems quite shocked that I’m making this decision and standing up for myself. Feminine, gracious and kind doesn’t mean lack of self respect. People often mistake my gentleness with lack of boundaries and are completely thrown for a loop when they realize I have some haha. Cheers to standing up for ourselves! 💕

[–]chickenpants800 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Absolutely! You should be very proud of yourself. I was proud of me too, since I'd spent my life being a doormat and had gotten out of an abusive relationship the year before (at 16). I was beginning to learn in the aftermath that someone else's failure to see my value doesn't mean I'm valueless. I met my husband shortly after that and he's truly cemented it in my brain. Your value is not lowered due to someone's inability to see it. You've shown that you know your value.

[–]fosho_away0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are a CATCH! Go find your captain!!!

[–]dottiejeann[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!!💕💕

[–]-Acta-Non-Verba-0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sister, he is not "committed". He told you how committed he is when he told you he wants to have sex with other people.

[–]werewolfgirlfriend0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then not vetted and not commited

[–][deleted]  (17 children) | Copy Link

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[–]dottiejeann[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I'll be there if he needs someone to talk to but he's not the one for me and I won't be dating him.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars15 points16 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Don't do it, you don't need to be a supportive friend to him. You are under no obligation to be friends with an ex, and doing so is often bad for your emotional health.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I suppose theres a little guilt for calling it off but you're right.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You called it off for a reasonable reason - monogamy/nonmonogamy is a dealbreaker for many (most) people. There need be no guilt - you told him what you wanted (marriage) and he told you that he couldn't provide that.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. You’re right. Sometimes hard to see it so simply when feelings are involved but you are absolutely right. 💕💕💕💕

[–]BigBoiBahmani3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You don't have to be ever be sorry for being a self respecting woman, woman. And the only way to completely let go of people is by doing just that, letting go of them completely. God bless take care.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I needed to hear this. God bless you too! 💕

[–][deleted]  (9 children) | Copy Link

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[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Advice must benefit the woman requesting it. She is not obligated to an ex in any way.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you 💕

[–]_-resonance-_7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She’s not throwing him away; she’s actually encouraging him. She just doesn’t want to hang out with him. She’s protecting herself from becoming invested in something that doesn’t serve her.

[–]dottiejeann[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you 💕

[–]dottiejeann[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm not throwing him away. I'll be there for him an am willing to remain friends, just not to date him. I don't see how that is problematic? It's not a disagreement about sex, it's two different lifestyle choices. He's a wonderful person and I hope we can still be friends.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m sure you have plenty of friends; you came into this looking for a future husband (which he knew) and if he’s not you have no obligation to keep him in your life. It’s also not possible to be friends if you’re still heartbroken over him.

As an aside, kudos to you for the walking away from this gracefully and with dignity. You’re a real lady and Mr. Right will be lucky to have you!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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