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Weight loss: why self-love might be more important than self-control

silvernikki
August 15, 2019
100 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen

I've been in nun mode for about a year, and while I've successfully found hobbies and begun to wear dresses and put on makeup and smile at strangers, I'm still 50lbs away from my goal weight. But three months ago, I started online therapy, and my therapist recently helped me realize something mindblowing about my weight loss journey that I want to share with you lovely ladies: It isn't my lack of self control that's the problem. It's my lack of self-love.

Even though I want to be in a loving relationship with a high value man, and even though I know I need to be slim and look healthy in order to achieve that, on a deeper level, I don't love myself enough to feel like I deserve those things. Because of past mistakes, mean comments from classmates, and years-old parental criticisms that I've internalized, I have a mean little voice in my head that says "you deserve to be fat and miserable" or "you aren't good enough for anyone to love you" or "you don't deserve to be happy" every time I try to better myself. So, I self-sabotage every time I get close to achieving my goals.

Trying to diet and exercise away my weight is treating the symptom, not the disease, which is probably why I've been unsuccessfully yo-yo dieting since high school.

Now, instead of punishing my body with starvation diets and overzealous exercise programs (that don't work anyway), I'm working on being kinder to myself -- meditating in the morning, taking a walk in the sun on my lunch break, and listening to self-love affirmations during the day. I'm also doing my best to forgive my slip-ups instead of giving up and having to start over every Monday. It's a slower, longer process (and I still roll my eyes whenever I repeat "I love myself" after the calm, patient voice in my headphones) but it's helping. And I have faith that it will be worth it in the end.

Hopefully this helps you as much as it's helping me!

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Title Weight loss: why self-love might be more important than self-control
Author silvernikki
Upvotes 100
Comments 40
Date August 15, 2019 5:23 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/weight-loss-why-self-love-might-be-more-important.247785
https://theredarchive.com/post/247785
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/cqsxx7/weight_loss_why_selflove_might_be_more_important/
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Comments

[–]rachaelalys2114 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for this. Ive been having the same conversation with myself this week. Ive been meaning to get my free membership at my gym for FOUR MONTHS. I am forcing myself to go tomorrow.

I had the mean comments from family and friends too as a child and theyve stuck with me. It's hard to change that inner voice, but very doable. Ive been on that journey for a couple years.

[–]silvernikki[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ive been on that journey for a couple years.

For me, the hardest thing to do is accept that it won't be a quick fix. But I'm trying to take it day by day. And that's the best that any of us can do.

[–]dian_slay269 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I agree, the best results I had on my self esteem and my body was to love myself where I was first. Not saying self improvement isn't the goal of course. But just knowing that I loved myself with or without extra weight took the pressure off of me to just be thin, and shifted my focus on making sure my body was healthy and working as it should.

[–]silvernikki[S] 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

love myself where I was first

That's the goal! Any tips? I've just been meditating and listening to youtube affirmations, but I'm sure there's more I can be doing.

[–]HB32343 Stars10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Here are a few exercises. These things helped me a lot when I was 16 and recovering from an eating disorder in the hospital.

-When you catch yourself in negative self talk, ask yourself if you would EVER speak to your best friend in that manner. then apologize to yourself. I know it sounds hokey, but it does help.

-Imagine yourself as a kid. Ask yourself what that girl deserves when she grows up. Give her that... you are the only one who can.

-Remind yourself that one true test of your character is the love and tenderness you can show those around you... and this starts with yourself

-Remind yourself of all the accomplishments your body has achieved for you. Have you climbed a mountain? Run? Built something? Cared for a child or animal? Try to see those acts as love letters from your body to you, and reciprocate by feeding your body well and exercising it.

[–]silvernikki[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I love these!

[–]secretladyaccount0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

>-Imagine yourself as a kid. Ask yourself what that girl deserves when she grows up. Give her that... you are the only one who can.

I think about myself as a kid and the negative things that I believed then vs what my real qualities were (ie pretty, young, and trying hard), and I wind up feeling compassionate for myself in retrospect. It can give one a bit of a reality check that maybe the same thing is happening now and that it's just hard to see in the present.

[–]dian_slay262 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I recognized that all the times I thought I was too fat, I looked back at old photos wishing I was that size, but back then I thought I was too fat! So I was in a cycle, I know in the future I may wish I was this size again so I need to love myself and think I'm sexy now! Try keeping a gratitude journal, your body is a truly amazing creation and for it to be functioning as it does is really a miracle. Everything it does has value! Telling myself 'yes there are ways I can be taking better care of my body, and I'm gonna get there because I trust myself to care for myself.' Really taking inventory of the things I would like my body to be able to do, if it's touching my toes or doing a cartwheel or just walking around without my knees aching or standing straighter. Not punishing myself by doing exercises I don't enjoy, just keeping the discipline enough to know that if I would like to feel happy mentally and physically I have to make sure that I'm getting out and moving about for at least a 5 minutes. Stepping outside of my head when I want to sit at home and veg out and calling a friend or dancing to music or just walking in the fresh air for a bit. Loving how soft I am with extra weight, knowing that even if I don't feel sexy in that moment, I am sexy and still one of the most dazzling creations to walk the earth! Men would be very happy (and lucky) to cuddle up with my soft fluffy parts!

[–]secretladyaccount0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

re: love self first, I know that it can overlap with some unpleasantly SJW communities and I will likely get downvoted for this, but I think the body positive people and their content can be good for this kind of inspiration. Not everyone is against health modifications, just against shaming onesself or others for where they're at.

[–]bro_before_ho9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

punishing my body with starvation diets and overzealous exercise programs (that don't work anyway)

I very strongly agree with this. I have seen MANY woman who go this route, and then have terrible self talk if they fail or eat something "bad," say they're a failure of a person, useless, etc. It's extremely psychologically damaging and will absolutely lead to punishing themselves with extreme diets and exercise, yo-yoing and generally going nowhere and feeling worse. And feeling worse usually leads to eating worse and bingeing.

I have a lot of love for my body, and don't feel guilt or shame about myself or what I eat. I have no problem with not eating garbage and when I do eat "bad" foods I enjoy it and move on with my life. I do exercise and make sure I eat mostly well, but I never "fail," beat myself up, yo-yo, punish myself, etc. I don't even consider eating "bad" as a slip-up, it's enjoying life. I think having this healthy relationship with my body and food has done me VERY well in keeping my weight down and my fitness level up. The other people I know with healthy attitudes toward food and self love also have no problems with their weight.

Exercise in whatever way you enjoy the most, eat your veggies, and love yourself, and it all comes together in time.

Self improvement is good, but only when it comes from a place of loving yourself, otherwise it often comes with a mindset of being a failure, being inadequate, being broken, and holding yourself to ideals you don't meet and thus failing and feeling awful. The difference between "I am a good, lovable person, and I'm going to improve my fitness level and eat a healthier diet" and "I'm a fat lazy failure and unless I become really fit and thin and eat perfect all the time I'm worthless garbage"

I wish I could tell you how to love yourself though, it just... is how I am. What you're doing seems like a solid plan. Keep it up :)

[–]silvernikki[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's extremely psychologically damaging and will absolutely lead to punishing themselves with extreme diets and exercise, yo-yoing and generally going nowhere and feeling worse. And feeling worse usually leads to eating worse and bingeing.

The other thing I've noticed is that obsessing over weight and hating yourself for it makes you a miserable person, which makes you miserable to be around. An RPW wants to be light, and fun, and happy -- a soft place to land. That only happens with self-love, and a healthy attitude towards oneself and others.

[–]bro_before_ho3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The other thing I've noticed is that obsessing over weight and hating yourself for it makes you a miserable person, which makes you miserable to be around. An RPW wants to be light, and fun, and happy -- a soft place to land. That only happens with self-love, and a healthy attitude towards oneself and others.

YES! THIS! I had that idea in my head but couldn't find the words for it to put in my comment, you nailed it! Thank you!

And I know guys don't like to go on a date and have you having an internal meltdown over the menu, they can pick up on that. They want you to be fun and enjoy their company, and sitting there piling on self hate because the salad has too much oil for your latest obsessive crash diet is not fun, or feeling guilty the rest of the night because you ate a burger and are now a failure is also not fun. Even if you say nothing, your mood is not a positive one, and it's not going to be a positive experience for anyone.

One strategy I heard for dieting is to count success and not failures. For example: you can eat healthy all week, then have a burger and now you've failed your diet completely. Or, you can have 3 healthy meals Wednesday (great work!), 3 healthy meals Thursday (woohoo!), and 2 healthy meals and a burger on Friday (that's pretty darn good!). That's 8 wins for your diet! That's awesome! And on Saturday you get in another 3 healthy meals because you're killing it at your diet.

Weight loss requires you to keep a close eye on food/calories and minimize unhealthy meals, but this mindset helps avoid the "I've failed my diet therefore it's ice cream all weekend" trap and gives you a lot of positive reinforcement. And if your diet requires total perfection, you've set yourself up to fail.

[–]xoutofoffice6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m on a similar Journey, don’t underestimate the power of momentum when it comes to self control. Your self sabotage is simply a habit not an ingrained part of who you are and habits can be reversed.

[–]silvernikki[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your self sabotage is simply a habit not an ingrained part of who you are

Amen to that.

[–]secretladyaccount3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I feel that I have a similar situation with my messy house (in an LDR, so I'm not inflicting it on my man). I feel slobby and all over the place and don't have high motivation to fix it, but when I'm staying somewhere else nice, I feel all gung-ho to clean.

[–]silvernikki[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

An awesome analogy! I'm similar, unfortunately.

[–]Ringthrowaway773 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for this.

[–]silvernikki[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm glad I could help! Thinking about it as a journey of self-love instead of self-improvement was really mindblowing to me, so I figured it might be equally helpful for someone else.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It isn't my lack of self control that's the problem. It's my lack of self-love.

"Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping." - Jordan Peterson, Rule #2 for life

[–]MissNietzsche 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

As someone with BED, this is especially true for me.

[–]silvernikki[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My BED is the reason why I originally got into therapy. Eventually, you just get tired of starting over, you know what I mean?

[–]greybrik2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree here. I feel this is a line of delusional thinking that eventually leads one down an inevitable path where they deduce that they should love themselves, regardless of their weight, and then eventually decide to remain fat, or worse, convince themselves that being fat is actually a good thing and attempting to be fit is entirely the result of some kind of unfair societal pressure.

Losing weight and keeping it off is absolutely a matter of self control and I don't think it can be successfully done without a little self-hate and self-awareness to openly know and admit to yourself that you don't like what you see in the mirror and you're willing to change. Being fit and being the ideal person you want to be is all about constant self-control and discipline, and there is no way around it but to suffer and suffer again every day just to maintain it. Anything else is just Oprah-tier bullshit to me.

I hope I'm wrong and perhaps this is what you need to do to reach your goals, but in my experience psychological tricks like this are all just distractions and more forms of denial that inevitably cause a backslide. You can love or hate yourself all you want, but at the end of the day your weight loss is going to come from diet, exercise, and suffering.

[–]silvernikki[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's fair, and nothing works for everyone. I just know that I've spent a decade hating myself and my fat and my weight. I've spent time and money and energy trying to work on my self control and my discipline, only to give up whenever anything goes wrong because "I'm not worth it anyway."

For me, suffering is too attractive an idea. It's easy to berate and castigate and punish myself. And the easiest way to punish myself is to make sure I don't lose any weight at all.

Loving myself is the only way I've found to break this cycle.

But thanks for the reminder that all I'm worth is pain, self-hatred and suffering. I was getting a little tired of the self-love anyway.

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nah, everyone is different. Some people are motivated from rest, some from pressure. Some people do better with tough, some with gentle.

I do better with gentle "I deserve health" than "I need to be skinny", too. And I've been on goal weight basically all my life (excepting pregnancies and post partum).

[–]xmarixmasx1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is super! Good luck on your journy sister, you deserve to love yourself :)

[–]silvernikki[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you -- I'm faking it till I make it!

[–]trophyfriend1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is such an important discussion that should be had more and more! A lot of ladies (including myself for a long while) get stuck in comparing ourselves to an ideal that isn't sustainable, and beat ourselves up trying to be that girl that's secretly miserable trying to sustain her crazy diets/eating habits. Happiness doesn't lie on the horizon of your ideal weight, happiness is loving every version of you! Because every version is worthy of love. Sounds so simple in theory, but it's the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn

[–]silvernikki[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Happiness doesn't lie on the horizon of your ideal weight

So true! For so long I was the person who didn't buy new clothes, or try new things, or meet new people because I'd do it "when I got skinny." But the person I am now deserves those things too. A great way to put it.

[–]kewl_kitty1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Same boat.

[–]kewl_kitty1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

233 and I seemed to attract lots of 'high value' men from Insta when I had it. I don't use it anymore. But I just want someone who will stay with me and love me for who I am. Common interests. It takes time to be healthy and create self care plans and all that jazz. Where I come from (US) it's pretty hard to get mental health services and health services if you don't have resources (money).

[–]kewl_kitty0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just remember weight (usually) + depression is a result of socioecomic factors. If you're smart you can lose it. I just want a connection (plus the guy should have something to offer too) when I'm done with college, skin surgery + getting healthy. May 2020.

[–]kewl_kitty0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Edelweissfin is a good blog. Take my anecdote.

[–]pearlypearl121 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That is a great breakthrough and I am happy for you!

I went through a lot of yo-yo dieting in the past 7 years (I’m 25 now). At 19 I was able to be as little as 100lb at 5’1 but that went with me hating everything about myself and brute forcing the weight loss and restrictive dieting. I was also surround by very toxic people and reluctant to seek therapy. That lasted a good year before stress made me hate myself even more and I gain everything back.

This time around at 24, after plummeting into a depression, I sought therapy to work through my insecurities and to change the way I think of the world and myself. I lost the weight slowly and had this new confidence of being proud of how much I can lift over how I look. Law of attraction is real as I made new friends that gave me so much positive affirmations of the work I put in ( I was lifting 4x a week) and it boosts my confidence immensely.

I also changed how I look at food. I see healthy good as nutrition bombs, adding vitamins to my body, improving my skin and hair. I eat junk food every now and then and when I get too full I get into a self hating mentality. That is something I am still working on fixing.

And as a woman who lifts I will say I get a lot of attention from high quality men. But my mental mind still has insecurity and doubts to pursue them but it’s nice to be looked at now (when previously I would just be ignored).

[–]silvernikki[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I made new friends that gave me so much positive affirmations of the work I put in

This is good to hear! I don't have many friends in my hometown, so I'm hoping that the positive energy I'm putting into the world results in something similar.

Congratulations on your success!

[–]KathrynHogan0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Excellent insights. Congratulations on this incredible achievement on your self-knowledge and self-improvement journey. This is very inspiring - keep up the great work.

[–]silvernikki[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you! It's funny how my "find a man" journey has actually turned into a "find myself" journey.

[–]KathrynHogan1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Totally. It’s part of the process. Ultimately imo what’s so fulfilling about love and relationships and marriage in particular, is what you provide for your man, who you love so much. Knowing your strengths and being humble about your weaknesses is essential to that! You are on the right path. I wish you all the best!

[–]MissNietzsche 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yep, I do. Unfortunately, I’m still stuck in that cycle.

Being a RPW with BED is difficult because on one hand, I care about my weight because of RPW, but on the other hand, my therapists say the only way to recover is to not care about my weight >.< it’s impossible

[–]silvernikki[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's hard, I know! What's been working for me is only weighing myself once a week. Then, the rest of the time, I'm just focusing on building good habits. Have you tried something similar?

[–]secretladyaccount0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

.
content including restrictive eating disorders and weight changes ahead
.
.

I'm recovered from anorexia and during recovery, I had to be overweight for awhile while my body stabilized and got used to weighing enough that it didn't have to hold on to everything. I was substantially overweight off and on for almost 5 years and it was very upsetting since I had been anorexic and unused to tolerating even a normal amount of weight. However, it turned out to actually be true that ONLY through not screwing around with this all the time could enough time accumulate for my body to self-regulate, kind of like "sober time". You can care about your weight and figure in the long term but accept that there's a paradoxical route to it. I mean think about it like this, is what you're doing now working? Why not try something else, and evaluate it in a couple years and see if it's better or worse? You can always go back to what you're doing now. It is unlikely that you will float away into overindulgence lala land and completely forget to even check on your situation, getting fatter and fatter and never thinking about your weight again, messing everything up all because you decided to let go temporarily. You have an eating disorder which you may well be in lifetime recovery from, so I don't think you'll forget for decades by mistake. If you forget about it for a short period, that's good, that just "not obsessing".

It's one of those things that no one can or should push you into. But I am much, much freer now. Stuff I used to think was just a fantasy for me that only normal people could do but not me, like eating a sandwich with a friend without getting bloated, being miserable, or altering my weight at all, is stuff that I do now every day without even thinking about it, and I'm actually as thin as I was at some points in my ED (not the parts when I was dangerously underweight, but the parts where I was normal weight but trying to micromanage my body and being miserable).

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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