~ archived since 2018 ~

What a dumb, textbook mistake.

February 24, 2020

My husband came home from a long day trying to help his mother with her finances. He found out the situation is more dire than she let on— lots of debt.

He told me about their conversation and then explained a plan he had to save her house by selling it to him— or maybe trying to set it up as a rental property to get her a little money.

I, feeling my butthole clench at the idea of another mortgage, shot it down immediately. I asked what would we do if that house suddenly had an emergency, we don’t have enough cushion in our emergency fund, what if our roof goes at the same time as her furnace, what if we can’t find a renter, he already has so much stress at his actual job, he has no vacation days that aren’t already planned out to go deal with an emergency, what if the renters destroy the house...

I was so blinded by my clenching butthole that I couldn’t see how sad this was making him. I thought we were just having a hypothetical discussion, but suddenly his whole attitude changed. He said “I just came home from a day of planning for my mother’s death. I really just needed you to be on my side tonight.” He went from confidently explaining his ideas to totally shutting down.

And then I realized what a jackass I was being. What I just did goes against every single word of Laura Doyle and Helen Andelin I ever read.

He would have weighed all of these ideas eventually. He didn’t need ME to stab holes in all his ideas. He wasn’t coming home looking to intellectually spar with anybody. I should have put aside my clenched anus and let him talk about his ideas. I was so blinded by my fear of the financial risks involved that I really thought I was being prudent and helpful— I was actually being Completely Awful and didn’t see it clearly until it was already too late.

I promise I’m not always this dumb. I’m sharing this tale in the hopes that someone out there reading this, perhaps me, will STOP TALKING even when they feel their asshole clench— and remember the bigger picture!!!

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Post Information
Title What a dumb, textbook mistake.
Author zsadiist
Upvotes 118
Comments 19
Date February 24, 2020 1:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]anonkcthtk73 points74 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

“I could’ve put aside my clenched anus”

[–]anonkcthtk25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In all seriousness though, I’m glad you pointed this out. It’s so easy to shoot down your man’s ideas, he put it perfectly. He can poke holes on his own. He needs you on his side

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for sharing. It's great when people share their failures as well as their successes - we can all learn from this experience! Hope things improve with your mother in law.

[–]BePrivateGirl22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If it was as you said it was, and you just raised concerns, you can get past this.

Tomorrow is a new day.

As soon as you can: rub his shoulders and tell him that you trust him. Tell him that you heard him when he talked about his day that was full of trials. Tell him that you support him in his complex decision making.

If you got emotional but spoke to him with respect, then tell him that you got emotional, but that his mothers affairs are your family affairs and that you trust him.

After all, if his mothers furnace needed to be replaced, at the same time your washer leaked all over your floors, you know that family comes before any inconvenience. You can weather all storms with him. Right?

We all make mistakes. You made one. Big whoop. If this isn’t a pattern, if you weren’t cruel to him or her, then just apologize via your actions. This isn’t blow job territory. This is deep meaningful connection territory.

Just grow.

You got this.

[–]Wolfssenger28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A good lesson, if a bit heavy on the imagery.

[–]zsadiist[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m a regular goddamn Steinbeck

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–]zsadiist[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He’s definitely not doing anything concrete without talking to a lawyer and our financial advisor. :P

But we’re definitely going to need some Ramsey-esque advice to deal with the rest of his mom’s situation. Good reminder!!! Thanks!!

[–]twatwater5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would also highly recommend speaking with an accountant because this could have big tax implications depending on how it’s done.

[–]NationalMouse4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dave Ramsey saved my marriage before I even got married! God bless him

[–]xun17 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Haha i think it is funny, OP is obviously frustrated! This is a good reminder

[–]Pola_Lita5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Someone needs to explain this to me, please. How was OP to know that this idea should have been praised rather than considered logically? How long should OP keep up the ruse?

I understand the desire to give comfort but surely that still could have been managed without saying that black is white?

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–]Pola_Lita5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

That was a genuine response on my part.

[–]zsadiist[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

If that’s true, I apologize. Your tone and word choices didn’t come across as sincere in text.

It’s not a ‘ruse’. I will voice my concerns again if it comes up. There is an appropriate time and way to do this, and “unloading every fear on him and shitting all over his brainstorming ways to solve the problem as soon as he comes home from a horrible day” was not the right thing to do— but it’s exactly what happened.

[–]Pola_Lita0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your answer.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great introspection! He is lucky to have you ❤ Learned a wise lesson.

[–]starrial0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You could have but you did’t. At the end of the day what is more important, you and your husband or his mother? You are human. Not a therapist. Your concerns are valid.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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