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What makes a man who is looking for marriage have a long term relationship with a woman he doesn't plan on marrying?

September 29, 2020

I recently had a conversation about this with a few family members and it had me thinking. I personally know 2 different women who were in long term relationships where they broke up as soon as the woman started seriously talking about marriage. One of them was with this guy for 7 years living together for 4 of those years. They both were from the same christian denomination .

After she pressured marriage on him they broke up within a few months. He started dating someone new(from his church) after 6 months of ending it with her and within 2 years they were engaged and got married within the 10 months.

The second woman is the same story except its worse because it happened to her twice 8 years with the first guy and 5 years with the second . Everything was fine until she was serious about marriage . Both of the guys married another woman after being them less than 3 years. I am not super close to any of these women so I don't know exactly what when on in the relationship. It's not like these men are opposed to marriage they just didnt want marriage with them. The first man was even a religious marriage oriented man .

 I didn't think much about it at the time but I was confused when the same man would marry another women after a shorter amount of time dating. When this topic came up it seems like its more common than I thought.  I wanted to know what you ladies think about this.

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Post Information
Title What makes a man who is looking for marriage have a long term relationship with a woman he doesn't plan on marrying?
Author sammy_neutron
Upvotes 98
Comments 44
Date September 29, 2020 5:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–]sunny2weather83 points84 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I read a study a while back that said that couples that dated longer than 7 years before getting engaged or married, were more likely to get divorced. I think it's because if you date for so long without getting married, then it's because you really don't want to get married, but you're too comfortable to leave. Then when the guy feels pressured and leaves, he then decides to look for someone that he does want to marry. At that point who he's looking for will look different than who he was with.

[–]Faisaif17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Please link of the study if you can

[–]sunny2weather8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I couldn't find the actual article I read. It was about ten years ago. But here's this article that briefly mentions dating time and marriage.

[–]Tek_Analyst9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you date too long before getting married it’s because you don’t want to get married. - Yeah of course.

“But you’re too comfortable to leave”

  • I know couples that never got married and lived together their whole lives. Seemingly happy. Does that mean they weren’t in love and too comfortable to go find who they wanted to marry? Or is it possible some people can be just as happy outside of marriage?

In regards to OP, those guys just didn’t want to be with the original women they were with, but they clearly believed in marriage if they went and got married after.

[–]sunny2weather7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It could be a little of both. They get too comfortable to look for someone they want to marry, but their current partner doesn't match their ideal which may or may not even be realistic. Or maybe they are comfortable in a good way, which is fine too.

[–]dadudenines79 points80 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Considering the climate in the U.S., the average dude has become adverse to marriage in general and is fine with LTR and is just not broaching the topic hoping it will not become an issue. I know, crappy, but it is what it is. One reason why I advise female friends to pay attention to if a guy comes from an intact family, he will sort of see that as the normal direction in the first place. And as some commenters have noted, quality of woman is also a variable.

Often times the woman is deluded or afraid to touch the subject, thinking it will just fall into her lap over time and never overtly confronts the subject of kids, marriage, finances early in the relationship (1-6 months). I mind my own business when I see it happening, but any woman who is family and marriage minded should be nexting guys by 3-6 months in if they are not oriented in that direction solidly and not waiting 2 years for the issue to come up. I knew one woman who was great at vetting, at 30 she made up her mind she was going to be married with children and was not afraid to next dudes until she found someone that agreed with that. Also took care of herself appearance wise, the whole package. She did not kid herself for a second, was sharp at work too. SAHM now with a telecommute job living the mommy IG life.

[–]icanbingsu3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great tips.

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

RPW is not the place to argue for your personal issues against marriage. Please review the rules for men before commenting again

[–]LeanLoner2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The industrial society and it's consequences have caused men and women to need each other way less than in any other previous moment in time.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]rosesonthefloor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As someone who doesn’t ever plan on divorce, and who thinks adultery is one of the worst ways you could disrespect your partner... a world where divorce is illegal and adultery is “punishable” sounds frankly terrifying, and like a massive overreach of the state body.

[–]greenolivesaremylife57 points58 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If a man wants a woman, he’ll snatch her up ASAP, especially if he’s afraid of losing her.

Even if they’re anti-marriage.

They won’t propose, but they’ll at least throw hints and show some seriousness early on. Step up their game.

To me, these long term/no marriage relationships just show they’re comfortable and not afraid of losing the woman. Same for the women. They’re also comfortable and scared to rock the boat.

In my opinion, speak up. Bring up these topics in the first 3 months. The right man won’t be scared or pull away. It’ll just seem logical/natural.

And if he does get scared, just let them leave anyway. Never chase. If you know your worth, he’ll come crawling back or you’ll find another man who’ll step up and claim you.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]aussiedollface211 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men aren’t aliens. They like companionship and sex, just like we do. I just think they compartmentalise more. Men will happily string a woman long for years because he simply enjoys her company, just not enough to marry her. Keep your wits about you girls! xo

[–]vintagegirlgame43 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel like it’s the quality of the woman in combination with the man’s timeline.

It took us 10 years before we got engaged. He knew I was a quality woman that he wanted to marry, but he wasn’t ready to step into the role of a husband yet.

His brother (an alpha who is well respected in the community) dated a controlling shrew of a woman (from a rich family) for 10 years. He said he never wanted to get married or have children. They finally broke up and with the next woman he dated, very sweet and feminine, they were talking about marriage within months. Now they’re married and he is open to having children too.

[–]santarosa20206 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot would depend on the women in these stories. Did they have the skills to be a good wife? These women might have been pretty or been a fun girlfriend, but not have matched with what the men in the stories were looking for in the long term. 7, 8, and 5 years are all a long time to spend with a man before bringing up marriage.

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot of people date people that they would consider themselves settling for.

  • Maybe they hope that person becomes something better (for them) than who they currently are, and it never happens.

  • Maybe they’re afraid of being alone, and there’s nothing wrong with the girl. But then in a relationship where the positive is “there’s nothing wrong” becomes very difficult to leave, so they wait around for a reason which is marriage pressure in this instance.

  • Maybe they have low self esteem and believe the girl is the best they can do. If any of these are true then once they are met with the marriage talk they run away.

All of these instances are pretty much cases where the man either is, or perceives himself to be more valuable than his partner. Pretty much if you’re dating out of your league, I would say talk marriage within the first 2 years so you aren’t wasting your time if that is your ultimate goal.

Most people won’t break up with someone without a reason. Even if they’re not in love with the person. Marriage gives them an out of “I’m not ready” or something along those lines.

[–]bittersweet31126 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The fact is that if the men wanted to facilitate marriage, they would have. They didn’t though so they simply didn’t want it. For them to run the second marriage is brought up it means they never loved those women. People can last in a dating relationship for years for things like a comfort zone, loneliness, financial stability, sex, fear of leaving, family pressure, fear of breaking someone’s heart etc. They may have also perhaps been cheating on their girlfriends in that time you never know. All I know is that for them to run, means she’s not the one.

[–]IthinkItsLipGloss11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If he hasn’t proposed after 2 years, break up with him. Men know what they want and who they want to marry straight away.

[–]gotgame7403 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

2 years is too long. A man decides if your wife material within 6 months. He won’t necessarily propose in 6 months, but he’ll know

[–]IcarusKiki9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Idk I honestly think it’s just gut feeling for them. Some men just need to feel “ready” for marriage or maybe they just wanna have companionship and do like the woman but don’t actually see themselves being with that woman forever. Almost like a placeholder :(. Honestly pressuring for marriage is a bad idea. If a guy with no legitimate reasons not to marry (young age, job status, relationship length etc) says he isn’t sure about marriage and cannot make up his mind for a long period of time, you should be out the door. You’re either a placeholder or he doesn’t want marriage but still wants to string you along in a relationship. Don’t waste your time being a forever gf.

[–]saint-jezebel10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot of women fall into the trap of listening to words versus seeing actions.

If your timeline is not lining up with his, its a no. If he has no timeline but shows he is willing to change to fit yours, thats a yes. If he is showing you, thats a yes. If he isnt bringing up long term but you are and hes avoiding and it turns to a fight, its a no. If he is acting like he is trying to avoid your interests and life, its a no. Like, you should get along with his family but not the other way around. If he has a timeline but wont merge it with yours, its a no. If your presence cant motivate him to want to do better, or he doesnt naturally have the drive, its a no. If you dont have standards outside of looks and goals outside just not being single, you're a no. There are just things that let you know its a no.

When women dont pick up on the red flags, they get surprised later like it was really a surprise. Most get consumed with thinking they can change him, which is a waste of time or try to make something out the one that sticks instead of just looking for a man that likes you.

The reason it is said "he has to like you more than you like him" is because of this exactly. Remember, he has to like you more to make that move to secure your commitment; not the other way around. A lot of people hate that line "We HaVe To LiKe EqUaLlY" ok, you keep doing that and you be a forever girlfriend too.

[–]lavachequirie19 points20 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Men have waaaay more time to spend before getting serious. Women lose their looks but men just build money and capital over time. If a guy spend 8 years with a woman and then gets married to a different woman at 30, he’s doing well. He had someone to keep him company for a while and then when he was successful and ready, he left to find a serious commitment.

This is why you don’t move in together until you have the ring ladies.

[–]jayval903 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is why you don’t move in together until you have the ring ladies.

This cannot possibly be emphasized enough.

[–]SouthernGrass36 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think that there is a big difference between a man who is truly looking for marriage v. one who would consider marriage at some point under certain circumstances (ex: he realizes he won’t do better than the woman he is currently with and wants to lock things down, he is getting a bit older and wants to have kids while he still has energy to keep up with an active toddler, etc.)

[–]anothergoodbook10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Then they aren’t serious about marriage. You are practically married at that point... living together for 4 years? But that’s partly why he didn’t marry. Why would he at that point?

[–]thro_a_wey2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are practically married at that point... living together for 4 years?

100% agreed. This is more true than most people realise. If you're a man who is "dating a girl" for 7 years and wastes her entire youth, you ARE married - you just never had a wedding ceremony. You're just a bad husband at that point, you just don't realise it.

No other culture in history would have allowed this to happen, the parents would step in and seek blood revenge or something.

[–]CorneliusHardcastle5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I personally don't get it. I rejected every offer I had for a relationship (bar one - but I was 14), and there were quite a few, until I actually wanted to settle down and have a family (at 26- probably a little early, in hindsight, but I felt I wanted to). Anything less than that is just getting your nut out for pleasure, and for that a relationship doesn't make much sense. Jerking off makes sense, prostitutes make sense, hooking up makes sense if girls are dumb enough to give you that, but a real relationship should not be taken lightly and should serve a real purpose. I feel it's a devious lie if there is no intention for it to be real (which in my mind is having children). Dating should be looking for a real relationship and I wouldn't even do it before I personally was in a place where I was ready to settle down. To me this would be the logical way of doing things, but obviously I'm alone in my way of thinking.

[–]ban1chka10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are not alone in thinking this way, I completely agree with you. What is the purpose of dating someone if you are not ready to settle down and/or know that it won't be with that person? If you're lonely, work on your friendships. If you want sex, masturbate. Otherwise it's just heartbreak waiting to happen. You shouldn't use people like that.

[–]CorneliusHardcastle6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Totally the way I see it. It actually strikes me as mean/cruel.

[–]DunboyCastleInTheSky2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel like a lot of these men aren’t looking for marriage until they meet the right person. Things that keep men from marrying are him thinking can’t do better or being too comfortable with the situation. And then he meets a woman who he wants to spend the rest of his life with and he’s open about it.

I honestly think all men are open to relationships and marriage as long as it’s with the right person.

[–]newaccttrial2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My first thought is that it is a knee- jerk reaction, a rushed- into decision.

Sometimes ppl go to the other end of the spectrum with the next relationship than they were in the last.

The real tell is how long those marriages last.

[–]HarperL881 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was in a 2 year relationship where I loved the guy and he said he loved me. Once I started pushing marriage or even moving in together, he began pulling away and eventually we broke up. 1 year later I was engaged to the man of my dreams and we are celebrating our 5 year anniversary. Lose the guys who don't want to commit. Your wasting both of your times.

[–]chris_haga1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because having a partner is awesome. Marriage is a blend between the needs of the Man and the Woman. Being in a long-term, uncommitted relationship strongly favors the needs of the Man.

Only when he considers the act of locking himself down, and the seriousness of such a relationship like marriage (vows in front of friends & family, no more girlfriends), do his priorities become clear to himself. I was confronted with the fact that my then girlfriend had many other potential suitors - so I was left with a practical choice: Risk losing her or give her my commitment.

Although I'm married, I wouldn't have an issue with a woman who brings up marriage on the first date if it's that important to her. In fact, courageous women who know what they want are extremely high value to ambitious men.

[–]virtualreality_31 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think there is novelty in new relationships, once that wears off many men are in a place where they are comfortable, they have someone who usually splits expenses 50/50, splits the chores, meets their sexual needs, and provides companionship. Even if they are no longer excited about their relationship, as long as he doesn't have to give up anything else, why would he leave? I don't think men maliciously plan this, they just get comfortable.

That's why you should start things off on the right foot and have that conversation early to see his point of view on it rather than go along with the flow when vetting, also I think it should be obvious in any relationship that you are more than a convenience.

[–]zino1931 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe they aren't marriage material. Not all women are worth marrying.

If you have debt, if you are barely home, if you have a kid, if you don't want kids - there's plenty of massive red flags that require a huge leap of faith from the man. Leaps of faith that few men are willing to do, especially if they are high value. And even fewer women actually deserve it or will make it worth it.

Fundamentally, just like nobody owes men sex, or desire - nobody owes women loyalty and lifetime commitment.

[–]ManguZa1 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They probably wanted to marry them as soon as they would have shown the wife qualities they hoped for. But instead of working on themselves to deserve it, they choose to expect, ask and pressure for it, which failed obv.

[–]-Raksu-1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Without reading any of the comments in this thread to see if someone has already said this, I say it's possible this woman who got ditched when she later mentioned marriage, she gave sex too soon. Making her, in the man's mind, an unpaid whore (Dr Laura's words). He immediately saw her as non-marriage material when she gave sex before real commitment. It's one possible scenario for sure. I'm not saying he's right to think this way, but it happens.

I dated a guy very briefly who was a more devout Christian, like me. He said he absolutely agreed with waiting until marriage. We'd both strayed from our Christian paths in the past, neither were virgins. But we agreed that we're doing it "the right way" now.
I break up with him after not too much dating for reasons I won't get into.
Fast forward a month or two and he's got a new Facebook official girlfriend, a non-Christian (pretty sure) single mom of two. I'm pretty darn sure he's not waiting until marriage with her. Different woman, different standards, dunno why.

[–]zer1650 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What about marriage would have made these long relationships better than they already were?

[–]WhisperTRP Founder0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

After she pressured marriage on him they broke up within a few months. He started dating someone new(from his church) after 6 months of ending it with her and within 2 years they were engaged and got married within the 10 months.

The second woman is the same story except its worse because it happened to her twice 8 years with the first guy and 5 years with the second . Everything was fine until she was serious about marriage . Both of the guys married another woman after being them less than 3 years.

If only there were some sort of conclusion we could draw from this...?

Nah, it's just a total mystery.

Anyways, I'm off to badger my boyfriend for the great big shiny diamond I totally deserve for putting up with him. Toodles!

Later I'll drop by and we can have a big long chat about what's wrong with men.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Here’s two reasons: laziness or the sex is too good to pass up.

Laziness would mean that the man is happy with the ease of access to sexual gratification and doesn’t want the hassle of switching up. Ideal situation is to switch the existing plate every few months for a new one and keep it from developing into a LTR. However, this requires time, effort and a pipeline of women to be the replacements. Some see this as too much too bother.

On the other hand, the plate might be a freak in the sack but lacks the required looks, personality, or behaviours that would motivate him taking it further. However, she is agreeable enough to keep around.

[–]Huxleys_Island_Dude0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Convenience. She can be great to date but you know shes a gold-digger or would be a terrible mother. Takes time to find someone new.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


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