When being RPW isn't enough

MissNietzsche · 2019-01-11T05:49:48+00:00

No amount of red pill will ever really fix a relationship where someone cheats on you. And remember, if some cheats on someone, it's never the fault of the person that got cheated on. There's literally zero valid excuse for it.

Try again, improve yourself, and catch yourself a man who is actually worth your time and love.

teaandtalk · 2019-01-11T07:16:48+00:00

This isn't me saying that RPW doesn't work. I believe it does. But unfortunately it can't fix everything, and sometimes it's all too easily taken as a means of deluding oneself that everything can be okay, if only I change every little thing that might possibly have caused a problem.

It's good that you recognise this pattern of thinking in yourself. There are women here who are absolutely making excuses for abusive men, and taking RPW to mean it's their fault that he's abusive.

Take care of yourself, and think of this as a blessing in disguise. You're still in your 20s, and you found this out before you married him. You've learned so much here, and now, when you're ready (and not a bit earlier) you can use the toolbox you've gathered to find and vet a new man.

Scorpioprincess83 · 2019-01-11T01:46:40+00:00

It’s not your fault sweet girl. You can’t help that you were young and naive when you first met him. Now you know better. Focus on what you can do now to move on. Starting all over is no fun, but now that you have more knowledge about vetting and RP values I think you will be on your way to a much happier future.

AnarchoNAP · 2019-01-11T01:21:25+00:00

I think that you will have more luck with rp when you are able to begin using it at the vetting stage.

Ramalavonda · 2019-01-11T03:51:21+00:00

As I see it it's quite obvious that the one who isn't red pill is him. A true Captain would never cheat on his wife who lays down her body for him and feeds him. Is a partnership of which you to take care of each other both emotionally and physically especially financially on his side. If he can't be a proper boyfriend or husband and is obvious that he wasn't the right choice and you have to find a better man

littleshroom · 2019-01-11T06:00:28+00:00

I believe you can't change other people, honestly. If rpw is a manipulation tactic to get your man to behave the way you want, it's not really cool (and I don't think you were doing this) . And it's not gonna work. You can't make a bird into a tractor. If you do it to be the best possible version of yourself - and for Yourself, first of all - then it's great.

I mean, most of the ideas from RPW are basic human values. I am currently studying a lot of Buddhism and I see these things even there. Be calm, enjoy your life, give, share, be kind. Be smart about your words. Assume the best. Accept how they are and what they choose. Care, don't cure. Etc, etc.

So honestly, you didn't have to do this on a throwaway account. I believe you shouldn't see a failed relationship as a failure. You learned so much from this and the most important, you did your best. You tried to be the best partner. You weren't perfect, but who is? It's a myth.

And what I like the most, is that you left. You had your red lines. And when they were overstepped, you reacted. Be caring and submissive in a relationship, but don't make yourself into a carpet for others. I really appreciate you think about yourself and care about yourself.

It will be okay! Don't worry about walls or stupid shit. You'll do things in your own time line.

Nuuvv · 2019-01-11T03:34:31+00:00

Amma be honnest, woman like you are few and far between. A lot of man would kill for a rp woman, theres so few of you left. Some things you just can't fix. You'll be married and have kids before you hit 35. Best of luck.

Zegiknie · 2019-01-11T03:41:04+00:00

Only truly great men deserve RPW.

At least you found out before kids/wall.

Take care.

[deleted] · 2019-01-11T01:58:24+00:00

No one is perfect, even implanting red pill philosophies. I can be difficult at times to deal with and my husband occasionally caves in. It’s all part of the game.

I believe some men are not meant to be monogamous just like some women are incapable of keeping their hypergamy in check.

The thing about trust... is that you don’t trust until there’s a reason to trust. This doesn’t mean you have “trust issues,” this means you’re preventing yourself from getting burned. I mean how many times have we trusted someone without good reason and come to find out we shouldn’t?

I had a friend from when I was younger who was cheated on and her husband told her this:

“I want the function of a dutiful wife, beautiful kids and lovely home BUT I also want a little somethin’ somethin’ extra on the side.”

It’s not your fault if you’re trying hard.

Also, I don’t know where you met this guy but when it comes to vetting, my humble opinion is that I can’t vet on blank canvas. I need to already know a few things about you. You can’t simply be a stranger in the beginning. I might get criticized for saying this but you just don’t know what people are hiding what their intentions are. Just my note about “vetting.”

light-----------dark · 2019-01-11T05:26:24+00:00

RPW can’t change assholes, it can only give one a lens to assist with sifting out and avoiding them.

Keep doing what you’re doing, stay up, and you’ll soon come across a man appreciates your efforts.

AnnaAerials · 2019-01-11T10:50:49+00:00

My heart feels for you. I used to tell my girlfriends that If you do everything you can right and it still doesn’t work, at least you can say it was not you. IT WAS NOT YOU. I hope fully that you find someone who truly appreciates your admiration completely. You are worth so much. I look forward to hearing updates. You are loved by the rpw community and thank you for sharing. Sending love

LookingForEquanimity · 2019-01-11T14:24:22+00:00

You did not drive your boyfriend to cheating. I think it would be a mistake to look at it that way.

You said he started doing this in the beginning of your relationship. This isn't a you problem. This says more about what kind of person he is then it does you.

I think you maybe mistakenly thought that this advice here would work with any man and any relationship. I'm so sorry you thought that. I am glad you're not together anymore and I hope you won't get back together in the future.

The advice on this sub will help you either strengthen an existing relationship with a GOOD man or help you to find a good man and know what to look for and let you proceed from there.

It is not that your best wasn't good enough. It was that your ex was a selfish, uncaring person.

Yes the goal of this sub is for marriage and self improvement in relationships however I think most of the women here would agree that it would be better to die alone then stay with someone like the man you describe above.

At least now the silver lining is that you have all the tools you need here to start over and be successful with knowing what you know now.

Wolfssenger · 2019-01-11T21:43:11+00:00

Sounds like an issue with the man. Blaming yourself is neither effective nor justified if what you say is true. It's a terrible situation, but life has a great capacity to be terrible. You must move on to cultivate what good you can. Best of luck.

curious_historian · 2019-01-11T10:53:28+00:00

One person can't carry the entire relationship. RP principles can lead to more succesful relationship if both partners are following them. That was simply a poor choice of man. Luckily you're young and with plenty of options

norahlady · 2019-01-11T16:49:39+00:00

Oh I'm so sorry. I know exactly what it feels like to live in denial like that, to spend years justifying to yourself that you're "doing things right" so it has to get better. When it finally breaks down it is so painful, and I'm sorry you're experiencing that now. It sounds like this breakdown has been inevitable for a long time, so the good news is that you got out before wasting your whole life. Now you can be free to go through this pain, grow, and move on. You should be proud of yourself!

You sound like an amazing girlfriend/partner/wife and someone who deserves much better than a cheater. In my experience, once I found a good man it became so _easy_ to be my best self for him -- he brought it out of me by showing appreciation, loyalty, and the same level of effort on his part. When you find the right man, it will be a joy to do your best, not a constant struggle of not feeling like you are enough.

Please stick around and continue posting here! Best of luck going through this heartbreak, but cheers to better times ahead. <3

banooty · 2019-01-11T16:02:20+00:00

Of course it's not your fault. Or red pill's.

The bottom line is, someone who doesn't want to be helped, can never be "fixed" (to put a word on it simply). If he has ulterior motives and has issues he's not committed to working on, no amount of outside help will magically cure him.

I went through an experience like this with a guy I dated for 2.5 years. I definitely took the role of submissive housewife for him, something I had to teach myself to do because I am by nature quite headstrong and independent. I worked 60 hours a week while he did only 40 and was active duty military at the time, saved up money because he was bad with finances, and then basically paid everything when he got out of the military and we moved back to his home state. I'd greet him with a cold beer and a massage the few times I wasn't working and he came home. I made sure to do everything I could to ease his stress. Doesn't matter. He'd been cheating on me the whole time and I was telling myself the nagging feeling in my gut was being overactive.

Now you know that no amount of perfection on your part guarantees everything. I suggest getting tf out of there and starting anew with a real man who deserves all you have to offer.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-01-14T22:23:51+00:00

RPW explicitly warns of this. Here's my go-to:

Fascinating Womanhood, p.34:

"You cannot compromise your self-respect by living with a husband who CONTINUES to be unfaithful to you. It will lead to emotional and physical ill health."

and

"Correcting these [non-redpill] mistakes will normally win him back, even in difficult cases. But IF HE PERSISTS, you must tell him to make a choice, or you will leave him. And BE PREPARED TO KEEP YOUR WORD. That is the ONLY thing you can do that will eventually bring him to his senses."

Emphasis in the original. You know what to do, but have let him slide. If you've truly been practicing RPW tenets and not neglecting his needs, then it's a big red flag and he is probably too broken to salvage. RPW is powerful, but it's not irresistible. Some men are stupid, others are addicts (sex, drugs, lying, etc), some have mental illness; plenty of men are simply not suitable to be Captain, and many of them never will be. And this can be as hard a truth to swallow as the red pill is.

Vellore992 · 2019-01-11T04:29:27+00:00

Skipping the stage of strict, careful vetting is not implementing RPW correctly. You can be the best wife in the world, but if you skipped step one and chose a shitty man then you're not doing it right.

Be grateful that he showed his cards now and not after you're committed with children.

wtfffffffff10 · 2019-01-11T01:44:38+00:00

Well you continued the relationship even though he cheated in the beginning. I don't think you can blame rpw for this.

PorkNails · 2019-01-11T11:10:05+00:00

Never bet on people changing. We almost never do.

Aylinna · 2019-01-11T16:46:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing! i come from a bit similar situation. i kept blaming my self for someone who was abusive mentally and physically but now i know what a real captain is suppose to be.

Title	When being RPW isn't enough
Author	throwme4444444444448
Upvotes	86
Comments	25
Date	January 11, 2019 1:12 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/aepy8u/when_being_rpw_isnt_enough/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-being-rpw-isnt-enough.167301 https://theredarchive.com/post/167301